


MAD LOVE

by alinova



Category: DCU, Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:47:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 106,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8681125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alinova/pseuds/alinova
Summary: This is a collection of the Harley x Joker roleplays my girlfriend and I have done. Please keep in mind that these are two people roleplaying with each other so it doesn't always mould together seamlessly and the writing style varies because it's not all written by the same person. Anyway, enjoy. I do not own the rights to Suicide Squad, the DCEU or characters beyond my OCs.





	1. One: Date Night

Tonight, was supposed to be date night. Of course, it wasn't openly called that by her green haired lover, but thats what she knew it to be, and thats what she referred it to as. Not that he seemed to care. Harley was bouncing about the apartment, ecstatic as can be and excited to spend the night with her Puddin'. She had bounced out of their shared bedroom, knowing Joker was waiting in the living area of their apartment, the girl dressed up in a pretty little gold dress with the new jewelry that he'd bought her scattered about her body, countless necklaces around her neck, rings on her fingers, bracelts on her wrists. She grinned widely as she skipped over to him, throwing her arms around his neck, her blonde, blue and pink hair curled into little pretty ringlets. "Oh Mistah Jjjj~" She sing songed as she basically wrapped her tiny body around his larger one, eyes wide with delight. "I'm reaaady~" She detatched herself for the moment, doing a little twirl to shower her tattooed self off to him, just to put on a little show in some attempt to get approval. "Do 'ya like it, puddin'?"

Joker stood with his back to that huge (ginormous, even) goddamn fireplace his harlequin had whined and begged him for in the days before they'd bought the apartment. Felt like a little bit'a home, she'd said. Right. All it was now was a distinct pain in his back, and a literal one at that. The only pain he was used to having in his back was his very own Harley, and even then she usually massaged out the kinks and tensions. He took a sip of whatever it was in his glass and surveyed her in silence. Deliberately, he took the time to swish the drink about in his mouth and to gargle it as if it were mouthwash. He raised his eyebrows at Harley a little, letting her believe for a moment that he was going to spit it up all over her and her brand... new... dahrESS. Nope. Think again, sweet little doll. Joker turned at the last moment to his right and sprayed the alcohol all over the nearest henchmen. The moment his mouth was free again he tipped his head back and laughed that insane, mad laugh of his, clutching at his chest he'd found it so very funny. Just like that he switched it up again. Never one to let go of the element of insanity and surprise, he dragged a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed at his mouth as if he were a dainty little cartoon character. He brandished it to the side and threw it away from him as if he had just presented it as a trick to his magician's act. J took up Harley in his arms and started to waltz her about the apartment, humming a madly distorted version of 'Swan Lake' by Tchaikovsky. Oh, how well behaved his doll was for him - always playing her part, always... rewarding him. He supposed it was her turn to expect the same,

"Aaaalmost as beautiful as me, peaches!" He exclaimed and then pouted as if he were insulted, "Could it be enough to knock me off the beauty queen top spot? Well, Harls?" J expected her to play along, of course. She always did.

Harley had almost pouted when she thought he'd cover her new outfit in the alcohol, but was more than excited when he took her back up in his arms. She burst into her own little giggles, the noises eerily creepy despite the happiness that bounced behind them. "Oh puddin," She cooed, leaning her body up to lightly peck his pale cheek. "Nobody could knock you off the beauty queen top spottt~" Her words were light and playful, though a hint of truth layered itself beneath it. In Harley's eyes, there would never be any other living person who was as beautiful as her Joker, her Mistah J. He had his quirks, and not everyone saw the beauty in him like she did, but she loved him. Every little thing about him, and while most cringed at the sound of his cackle light laughter, Harley marveled in the sound. It was like music to her, and she would always see it that way, she was sure. The smaller of the two clung onto him, her head tipped back so she could gaze up into his eyes. Her J looked real nice and cleaned up tonight, dressed up in one of his fancy suits and his hair was, as usual, perfect and pristine. "Where are we goin tonight, puddin?" She asked him curiously, he probably mentioned it to her earlier, but at this point, she'd forgotten, caught up in the very idea that they were going out. Of course there was very few moments that they were apart, she didn't think Joker much liked it when she was gone for too long, and she didn't like it either, but usually, it wasn't just them time. There was usually always business or fighting going on.

Joker sighed dramatically and took a hold of one of her hands, holding it to his chest. He cupped her cheek and drew his face nearer to hers, speaking to her as if she were a child now - pouting with his words to make her feel sorry for him. It always worked.

"Now, pooh. Tonight's gonna be aaaaall about perspective, y'see? Rooms and rooms full of people but they're not real, now, are they, Harley?" J shook his head to indicate to her what the answer should be, "And that is why, my dear, we are real. We're goin' to the club, baby, 'cause Daddy's got some business to take care of." Joker gave her a toothy, almost delirious grin and clapped her on the shoulders, "You gonna be a good girl, Harley?" He asked, his tone dropping oh so slightly to become menacing as he stared her down. Joker cocked his head at her, gaze almost steely. For him, the night didn't at all just SCREAM of romance until there was some kind of crime or mischief or grand scheme to it all. Harley was practically the only person he registered as an actual person other than Batman, anyway - so he hadn't been lying.

A pout came across the girls lips, Harley gazing up at him with her pouty lips as he spoke to her and touched her, giving her the little bit of attention that she required for the moment, though she wanted much more. As he asked if she'd be good, she noted the drop in his tone, knowing that her answer would most definitely have to be yes unless she wanted to get some form of a punishment. Which she didn't want on date night. She wanted his little shows of affection. "I'll be a good girl, mistah j," She said, her voice a bit quieter than it had been in her questions before her. It did disappoint her that tonight would also involve some business that needed to be done, but she was sure they'd get to enjoy themselves anyway. They always did. "We'll still enjoy ourselves, right Puddin'?" She asked, as if seeking the reassurance that the night wouldn't be a bust for them. Or well, for her. She knew he always enjoyed his days, or well, for the most part. Especially trips to the club, because it often resulted in him having to have some form of a fight or he got to threaten people, and she knew that he loved that. It was one of the things that kept him horribly, terribly happy. Terrifyingly happy, for the most part, except for the times where the people really, really pissed him off, and that usually left him in a fairly bad mood all day. Her hands reached out to curl her fingers in his jacket, leaning her little body up into his chest, her leg lifting off the ground lightly to gaze up at him. "We'll have lots'a fun, riiiight?" She asked again. Fun usually entailed lots of drinking, even if it didn't affect Harley, and for her, lots of attention from him. Which she hoped she'd still get tonight if she behaved herself.

Joker smirked down at her, marvelling at just how...

The word 'perfect' wasn't quite suitable because (just as he was) she was irreversably damaged and broken and undeniably, rather clinically insane. Off her rocker. But the word was something because the Joker was thinking of it and J was always thinking about something - but what had he just been thinking about? It evaded him. Anyway, his Harley...

"Harley-mine, we don't come home until we've enjoyed ourselves. I'll blow up Town Hall for you if I have to..." He wriggled and twitched his nose in consideration as he stared down at her. He hadn't returned her embrace, but allowed her to cling to him as it was, after all, DATE NIGHT - and rather, he thought of something he could let her do to satisfy her and put her in that good mood that usually meant she let him fondle her during business meetings. Joker gave out a sudden, amplified 'a-hA!' and raised his finger as if a lightbulb had just gone off above his head, "Tell you what, babyface - you can use your bombs tonight!" J prized her, squeezing her cheeks between his hands just a little too hard. He patted her on the head and then scooped her up and carried her out of the apartment bridal style, with a very loud chorus of, "Ohhh, we gotta turn up the craaaaaazy~"

Harley marveled in the way he looked at her, in the way he always seemed to look at her when he wasn't mad. Joker didn't know what love was, she was fairly certain, but if he did, then, well, he would be looking at her with some sort of love. And although his squeezing to her cheeks hurt a bit, she couldn't help the smile it brought to her face. Painful or not the attention was something she craved, she needed it. When he scooped her up, Harley let out a string of laughter that had started with a squeak, her arms holding onto him carefully to help keep herself up though she kne that he would easily be able to carry her as long as he wanted. A grin was spread on her lips, eyes wide with excitement and delight. She was happy that she'd get to use her bombs, and it also made her happy that they were going to spend the night together, and he would likely end up blowing stuff up to make her in that happy mood their date nights usually put her in. She kicked her legs a little for a moment as he sung out the few lyrics, moving to nuzzle his cheek with some form of a mock innocence. "Oh Mistah J you know just how to make my night~!" She exclaimed, and, it was true. Even if it seemed like he didn't pay too much attention to her, he knew all the little things that made her happy, like blowing things up, his attention, affection, ect, but it also made it so easy for him to punish her.

Arriving at the club was always a big affair for them. Joker insisted on it and he knew Harley adored it and seeing as she was a key part to the appeal of the place, it did no harm to show her off. Emphasis on the SHOW. Not TOUCH or LEER at or FLIRT with or STARE at for too long. His Harley was his and the henchmen knew his tells well enough by now that it was just Harley and J and Mike and Neil left when they actually entered the establishment because the rest of the guys were off murdering various members of the crowd who had annoyed Joker with their gawking at his gal. He loosened his collar even as they entered and slicked back his hair. Joker rarely did it but he needed the assurance (for some doolally reason he wasn't aware of) that she was still there. Joker tugged her in front of him, making her walk with his hands on her hips from behind, an arm slithering up to coil around her chest, his hand on her neck in the absolute lightest of chokes. One he knew she would enjoy, in fact, as he was the master of their bedroom. The masses of the club soon died down to their oh-so spectacularly regal entrance and carried on with their drug fueled dancing (really, how had nobody noticed the fumes about the place). Joker pushed Harley into the VIP area ahead of him and stood up on one of the tables, right infront of her. He put a hand to his chest and used his gun as a pretend microphone,

"Doolallies and Delinquents, you probably sit around and wonder just why, oh why I called you all here today," he began in this over the top magestic voice, gesturing with the hand he'd had to his chest, "but, you see, I have none for you! Didn't you know it's date night?!" He roared all of a sudden and started his hysterical laughter. Joker crumpled from the table and landed heavily in Harley's lap in the velvety wall-long booth seat. He reached back to curl an arm around her and pinched at her cheek, having put the gun away, "Harley girl, do you know why a raven is like a writing desk?" J cooed, stroking at her cheek now J cooed, stroking at her cheek now.

Harley was beyond happy with their entrance, especially the amount of physical attention she was given upon their grand arrival. Which, included, the little choke which she adored so much. Though, she was happy to be there, sat upon their booth, one that they were often at, which made it easy for clients to seek them out during business calls. Her eyes watched as her lover stood on the table, and she admired his posture and the way he moved, admired the sound of his voice and let herself become even more in love with him. He wasn't perfect, but he was her definiton of perfection. Really messed up, with a rather interesting dash of something on the side. She let him fall into her lap, having uncrossed her legs quickly before his fall having seen it coming. She giggled at his question, leaning into his touch just a bit as she proved to enjoy it a bit far too much. As she gazed down at him, she found herself getting lost in the way that his face was made. He was so gorgeous, and Harley almost forgot that he had spoken to her. Why was a raven like a writing desk? She let out a satisfactory hum, the riddle being one of her many favorites. She quietly responded to him, "Because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat." She saied quietly, before softly adding, with a bit of her outrageous laughter, "And it is never put with the wrong end in front~!" She answered happily, and moved to brush her fingers down along J's arm, until she could trace her painted finger nail along his jaw, bending her head to press a kiss to his lips. It was a brief, quick kiss, but it was a kiss none the less and Harley knew that it wouldn't be a big deal; Joker liked to do things that made it more than obvious that Harley belonged to him and only him, which was why one of their newer, new comers, was currently being slaughtered by one of his henchmen to the right. He'd been gawking at her a bit too much, and Harley kind of thought that she had heard a whistle from him too. "What can you not taste until you undress?" She recited a little riddle of her own, naturally it had more than one meaning, which caused her happy giggles as the girl moved to slick his hair back when she noticed a piece starting to stick up.

Joker groaned/growled in a manner that suggested all kinds of less than appropriate for public places type things and maneuvured their position so that she was lying along the velvety seat now, with him between her legs. He sat back on his knees and assessed her, making sure her dress covered her up properly because if there was one thing he could not stand it was others seeing the nakedness of his girlfriend. Riddles was their kind of dirty talk, and his eyes danced with the insanity behind them, far too wide and grin far too toothy and manic as he now hovered over her - hands planted either side of her head,

"Could it be the whipped cream I squirted straight from the can into your panties earlier?" J asked her in a devilishly mischievious way. The thing he probably adored about Harley the most was her ability to KEEP UP with him. Not even old Bats could do that, now, could he? No, no, no, no, NO. Joker hissed at her like the snake did to Mowgli in 'The Jungle Book' - Joker swayed from side to side, hypnotising her with his eyes and leaning down to kiss those perfect red lips. They were TOO perfect. He needed to smudge them. A knock at the door distracted him, and with a roll of his eyes Joker called for them to come in. The men looked away as fast as they could once they realised what they'd walked in on. They knew the deal with interacting with Harley Quinn. It was the riskiest business in the club - anything the Joker didn't like was an immediate death sentence. Joker did not sit up or hasten to be more appropriate. He lingered on his side now, leaning on one elbow with Harley's legs tucked up on his lap. He played with her heels - making sure the men across from them saw how sharp they were. Now the games... BEGAN. The Joker brushed Harley aside and let her fix his hair before he sat up properly at the table and grinned at the men,

"Welcome to the party, boys."

Harley bit her lip and shifted a little, almost shivering as he spoke to her, allowing herself to be encased by his body, the action actually quite nice to her. "Actually, Puddin," She said quietly, "It's a banana." She answered, her eyes sparked with amusement, though she supposed his answer was also technically was true. A grin was settled on her lips, but it was obvious that she was annoyed with the fact that the clients had shown up so quickly. Harley had let out a little huff of air, and watched as Joker shifted his position. She did as well once he finished bringing the attention to her sharp, high, heels. She moved to scoot over to him, fixing his hair so it was neat and perfect as he always liked it when other people were around, before she pressed a little kiss to his ear, followed by the lightest of nips. Her eyes looked back to the men across from them, grinning as she leaned back into their seat, her thin legs out on display as one crossed over the other. She usually kept quiet during their meetings, the only exception to the no talking was when she was giving her little tibits to the Joker about everything. After all, he liked her input and her intelligence. Her eyes watched the men first, they avoided looking at her the best they could, in fact, their eyes were locked on the table, not daring to lift their eyes in fear that they might glance at her a moment too long and upset the Joker- upsetting her Mistah J, especially by gazing at, touching, or flirting with, the things he owned, was never, never a good idea. But it amused her that she was one of the things people were so scared of looking at for too long. She leaned up against her Joker, caressing his arm, her all looks and no brain act coming out for the interaction, the men clearing their throat, one uttering softly under his breath. "We're sorry for.. Interrupting, sir."

Joker brandished his arms out in a grandiose fashion and placed a hand on Harley's leg when he dropped them. This was a sign for her to watch them. They were oddly knowledgeable about the way things worked in this club. In JOKER'S domain. This in itself was a shit stain on the whole thing as it meant the men had obviously been lyin' when they'd claimed they'd never stepped inside or heard of the damn club before. J cocked his head at the man who'd addressed him, and then brought up the hand from Harley's leg - as it was the one with the hideos tattoo of the mouth on it - and placed it over his own mouth, eyes glinting with pure madness and delirium,

"Oh, pal. You're not interruptin'. You know why that is, friend?" Joker questioned, elbows braced on the table infront of him, staring at them hard but still keeping up the clown type bravado, "'Cause it's date night! And on date night... nothing... exists..." Joker trailed off, staring at them each, individually. He coughed and suddenly smacked himself HARD upside the head and let out a shrill laugh, "Oh, wait! It's Date Night!" He exclaimed as if it had suddenly dawned on him, "Isn't that right, baby?" He cooed manically to Harley, cupping her chin for a brief exchange before gesturing for the nearest henchman to come over, "Bloo, take the nice man's jewellry, would ya? My harlequin's sat here on DATE NIGHT with no NEW JEWELLRY!" Joker exclaimed as if he were genuinely distraught by such a thing. This in itself was a test. They often played this angle. The Joker unleashed psychological warfare on them while Harley did her professional psychological crap. This was their equivalent to an interview. The man was clearly not reacting well to having his jewellry stripped from him but was doing his best to conceal his rage.

... Clever boy. J cocked his head at the man once again and unleashed his most savage smile, raising his eyebrows and letting them drop just once, "... Problem, precious?"

Harley had taken her cue, watching the two men very closely. Something was definitely off, she could already tell. They weren't suppose to know not to look at her, not to let any grins come to face when they saw what they had been doing, not to imagine her naked. They knew too much, too much about them and the club and how they worked. She let her eyes linger on the man whose jewelry was being taken, painting on a wide smile as one hand raised to press to her chest. "Oh puddin!" She cooed happily, moving to press a chaste kiss to his cheek but she kept her eyes secretly on the men, and when she parted, just barely enough, she whispered. "Somethings up." Before she slid her hand down over his side to pat the gun that sat there, a signal for him to stay alert and taken his gun into play, as there was a mild chance that the two would either pull one, or it would be a set up. She then leaned back from him and went back to assessing the man. The man watched with slightly hardened eyes. "No sir," He started. "Can't leave a girl hanging on date night." There was something so terribly fake about that sentence, Harley's eyes squinting slightly as she watched. The other one was starting to sweat though. Harley could note little beads of sweat dripping on his forehead, and as Joker was likely a bit more busy with the one whose jewelry he was stealing, she allowed herself to put most of her focus on the one with the sweat. He was shaking, an obvious sign of nervousness, which he didn't need to have if he wasn't planning on doing something that would quite obviously upset J. No one who came in here shook or started sweating unless there was something going on. At least, if there were two, one never played cool and one never sweated, it was either both on either or, so something was definitely up. As Harley began to assess them, she noticed the little things, slight stubble which had been missed, a tan line that would end with a uniform of the sorts on the neck, and the way the man who was speaking spoke, it had a sense of authority behind it. He knew what he was doing. He knew what he was doing and he seemed to be use to being in a place of authority, while the man sweating was a newbie. Harley decided, it was best to share this information with her J, and leaned to kiss at his neck for a few moments. "The taller one is use to being in a place of authority, definitely not his first deal, he knows a bit too much about us for this to be his first time, unless he did his research, and the shorter one is sweating through his shirt, he's scared. They're never scared on their first visit unless something is going to happen, Mistah J. The tan lines also suggest that they wear some fairly high collared shirts quite a bit." She whispered, just barely above audiable, before she bit at his ear agian, to add into their little attitude. The man had been handing it over, before quietly scoffing, the other one piping up, his voice shaky. "We uhm, we actually.. We actually have to get going soon, we wouldn't want to keep.. you two busy.. on date night. and uhm.. So.. Shall we get down to business?"

Joker had his head turned towards Harley, partly to return her affection and to listen to her feedback and partly so that the men across the table wouldn't be able to read what she was saying if any of them could lip read. Joker slid a hand across to rest on her thigh again, though it had no signal this time - this was purely possessive. J turned his head very, hauntingly slowly, clearly enraged by the gall the cowardly man across the table seemed to have. With a sudden slam, Joker slammed his custom hand gun down on the table in front of him, teeth clenched,

"Why so serious?" He asked menacingly. Joker darted up and slammed his hands down on the table, a sign for his men to close in and press their guns to the back of the mens' heads. Joker angled his head at a painful vantage and glared at them in a way that was beyond unusual - his eyes actually widened and took on the glint of toxicity and insanity mixed with deadly rage, "DID. YOU. NOT. SEE. MY. GIRL. WAS. TALKING?" Joker raged - having clearly snapped he snatched up his gun and shoved Harley aside, stalking around the table to lean down and hold the gun at a jaunty angle at the man's head. The guy was quivering. Joker did his notorious switch in moods and shot the man a disarmingly toothy and dozy smile before smacking him so hard around the head with the butt of his gun that he passed out.

"Harley!" Joker called and waited for her to come over and fix his hair before he circled an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her neck, "Harley, kitten, would you do Daddy a favour and fetch the switchblade from my pocket?" Once she had retrieved the favoured weapon, he guided her hand, one arm curled around her waist and used the blade to prise unconscious man's mouth open, "Darb, fetch Harley her bombs." Joker had odd names for all his henchmen. Bloo and Darb was just the beginning and they all changed daily - none were specific to any man. In fact he didn't care to remember the names and so called out a random word and relied on any random henchmen to respond to the order.

Harley watched with excited amusement, loving the sight of Joker being so violent towards the man. She could feel it, she could feel that tonight was going to be a wonderfully fantastic date nighjt, especially since she could have a few ideas as to what J wanted her to do with those bombs of hers, straight in this unconciousmans mouth. She loved it. She loved him. Her hand lingered on his with the knife, before she had easily closed up the knife and slid it back into his pocket, a bundle of little giggles as she slipped it into his pocket again. She was happily peppering little kisses along her lovers neck, cooing again this time but it was no information about the men, but simply her little nothings and about how she was enjoying their night more than any other so far. The other man, however, did not seem to be sharing Harley's excitement, as he seemed quite distraught at the sudden actions of the Joker, and quickly raised his hands slightly in a signal of almost... Surrender. Which seemed, rather odd. "Mister Joker, Sir, my partner didn't mean to intterupt your lovely lady here. I don't believe he realized she was speaking." He said quickly in an attempt to try to make things better, his eyes resting down on his partner for a moment, his eyes going to Harley then, and they accidentally lingered on her for thirty seconds. "He's just a bit nervous, we got spooked by the cops a bit earlier and I guess he's just strill shaken by that, he's not use yet to going through business deals. He usually stays home." He explained quickly, looking back to the joker quickly, quietly hoping that he hadn't just blown the deal completely, the rest of the gang was lingering about the club waiting for a signal of some sorts, and he was suppose to give it. He knew he shouldn't have brought a newbie, and now he felt like he was the newbie. they'd all told them that they weren't to look at the girl. The girl was a trigger for the Joker, it pissed him off when someone did anything involving her for longer than five seconds, which included looking at her or in her general direction. If they were cuddling they were supppose to focus on the floor, or on him.

Joker had, once again, been trying to focus on Harley and the things she had to say. She was one of the very few people who actually SPOKE a mad kind of language he could understand and while no-one else thought her to be valuable or vital the way that she was more than any other - he at least EXPECTED SOME KIND OF COMMON DECENCY. I mean, how difficult was it to just anticipate a mad man's every. single. move? Not hard. Harley proved that time and time again. Honestly. Anyone outside of Arkham Asylum (and a good amount of the sickos in it) was dumb as the mouse that attempted to clean the lion's teeth.

"You see..." Joker released Harley and goose stepped his way over to the man, squeezing his cheeks together so tightly that he could not speak, "the problem I've got with you kids these days is that you just..." J shot the man's foot as if he were batting at a fly and didn't even blink when he did it. Bloo had come forward to tape the man's mouth closed, "You've got no respect for the ones that have it aaaaaall figured out, 'n I don't MEAN the ones up in the fancy houses with the hAND on the politics pulse. I MEAN the ones who really figured out. Sweet cheeks; I appreciate tricks and gaaaags and even giggles! But y'see... your joke just isn't funny. I've been waiting far too long for the PUNCHLINE!" And the moment he said the word, he punched the man right across the face and then stepped back, gesturing upwards in a motion which called for his men to start beating on the ingrate who had been the 'top dog'. The 'alpha' of their misguided pack. The one on the left... now HE was for dear Harley.

The man had known he fucked up the moment Joker stepped towards him, and it was followed with a beating. Harley was watching with wide, delightful eyes. "Ohhh Mistah J!" She hummed as she tugged him over so she could press a long, lingering kiss to his lips. "You know I absolutely adore it when you get rooough!" She cooed against his lips, before she had sat back, grinning widely and leaning into him, but then, just as quick as that, one of the men returned with Harleys bombs, and she took them excitedly, moving to simply stuff one in the guys mouth. She pulled the pin once it was lodged nicely between his teeth, then moved to take her Jokers hand, tugging him to step away from him so that when the little explosion went off, they wouldn't be standing so close. Then, in a romantic, dream like manner, the girl moved to snuggle up into his side, hand resting on his chest with a small sigh of pure pleasure when the explosion went off. But then, there was some major chaos going on around them outside in the club, making her look up at her Joker with a quirked eyebrow. "Did they have back up, perchance?" She questioned quietly, her eyes trailing to the door. "Do we take our leave, puddin? A shoot up tonight just wouldn't be fun. I'm more interested in blowing things up today," She told him, her hands caressing his arms carefully as she spoke, knowing he was going to get a little aggitated that another gang had managed to infultrate their club. Of all clubs, theirs. "We can get 'em back.. Blow up their headquarters.. You know what they say," she began to purr her words out, kissing up along his neck. "Take out the Queen and the hive will surely die.."

Joker mimed shooting the guy with the explosives in his mouth with his gun, eyes wide and delighted - smile giddy while watching the chaos take place. The explosion itself was a war cry, and Joker sighed as it turned out they were surrounded on all sides. Exchanging a childishly exasperated look with Harley, he took her hand and led her through to the exit of their booth - only to find there were three men already gathered there with guns and knives. Joker grinned and squeezed Harley's hand - another signal sent her way. This PARTICULAR signal asked her to split off from him and surprise their attackers while Joker distracted them. Seeing as the booth did not connect with the ceiling, there was a good gap that was coincidentally big enough for Harley to crouch in. There was no ceiling to the booth, and so Harley did one of her acrobatic leaps and perched above the entrance to the booth itself. Joker's grin widened and he retrieved an entire card deck from his sleeve (well, it had been in his pocket but as part of the illusion the men didn't know that) - it was the Joker's favourite pack of cards as he'd had all the cards replaced with images of himself and Harley dressed up as the different names of the cards and the suits. Joker was Joker, King was Joker, Queen was Harley, Jack was BATMAN (the story of how he got THAT was always a good icebreaker) and for the rest it was just varied. Joker did everything with a flourish, with an exaggerated movement and with enough insanity that they would pay their entire attention to him and overlook Harley above,

"Gents, gents, GENTS!" The Joker cried excitedly, "Take a card - any card! Now, now, now, folks... is THIS YOUR CARD?!" And then he punched the guy (with the hand with aaaaall the rings on it) so hard that he was instantly down for the count. J then took up a pose while Harley dealt with the rest.

Harley had let out a little giggle as she watched her Joker distract them, but the moment it was her turn to jump in, she jumped down from her hiding spot, her little body flipping in the air, and when she landed, she had kicked one of the men in her fall. With the sharp point of her heel, it left a large slash across his face along with the fact that he was, well, probably not gonna get off the floor any time soon. It was her turn to have all the fun, people looked at Harley and saw some dainty little girl who probably couldn't hurt a fly, but anyone who actually knew Harley Quinn, like her Joker, knew that she was able to hold her own and everyone elses at the same time. She was a marvelous woman, and she kicked ass. Hard. The woman was enjoying herself as she dodged little attempts from those who weren't frozen with the shock and kicked at them, while she was little, she also had quite the punch on her. Some of them figured that out, getting a hard punch. After a few moments, the girl had reached down, ripping a knife out of her shoes, flicking the switchblade out and grinning widely. Her movements were swift and quick as she roughly jabbed the last standing two, about five time each until they were down and the pretty little thing was left there, coated in blood. She slid her tongue across her lips, standing straight and turning to look back at Joker, as if looking for some praise. "Shall we be on our way, Mistah J?" She hummed innocently, stepping over one of the bodies that had been laid on the ground, wiping some blood off her cheek, bouncing her body over to him.

Joker reached out for her, only breaking out of his pose once she had finished and made grabby type motions for her with his hands. He licked at his lips and yanked her closer to him once she was near enough, crushing her lips with the weight of his own and tangling his hands in her hair - pretty roughly. Joker didn't make a habit of kissing her like this and usually only did so once she'd beaten the absolute shit out of whomever they were facing. With a squeeze of her bum, he ended the union and turned to instruct the henchmen who were standing around waiting patiently. They were so well TRAINED! They stood there averting their gazes and looking only at the Joker. Of course they were ALLOWED to look at Harley because she also got to order them about. J clasped his hands together and then held his arms out wide either side of him, an overjoyed expression on his face,

"Boys! Boys, boys, BOYS! Any boo-boos? Any casualties? No? Exxxxxcahllent! Now THIS is quality service! Wouldn't you agree, Harley-doll?" Joker turned briefly to her for her confirmation and then held an arm out for her to take, "Any, uh, DESTRUCTION to the property?" J asked this a little more menacingly now, inferring there would definitely be punishments to be handed out if there were. Luckily for the boys...

Everything seemed in place, and apart from a few bloodstains and corpses (which were already being taken care of) - everything was untouched and just the way the Joker liked it. Harley had spent a long time deciding on the interior decorations, after all. She'd even chipped a nail!

Harley was a bubble of happiness after the rough kiss she'd recieved from him, her hands holding onto his arm as her eyes watched him, only straying from him to the boys once, then they were back to him. "Seems all went pretty well!" She hummed and looked behind them to study the bodies. "Oh what an exciting night it has been! This has been by faaaar the best Date night, Puddin!" She told him once the business talk was done, leaning her body up to kiss at him again, nuzzling his jaw after, giggling slightly. "Where to next, Mistah J? The clubs gonna get reeeeaaaallll borin now that all of our unexpected guest are done fooor~" Her voice floated that sing song tone as she held onto him happily, tightly. The excitement of the night, she assumed, was done. At least the fighting portion, there'd probably be more games and little chases that the Joker would throw them into, and he did promise to blow up the town hall if she wasn't having enough of a good time, and it was, definitely, something that she wanted to see. She grinned innocently and focused her eyes on her lover. He was so gorgeous, and he seemed to be outrageously happy with how the night went, and she loved that. Whenever he got delighted you could see it in his eyes, and that gorgeous smile that had- insane and twisted and dark, but oh so fucking beautiful.

Joker whipped his head around in one swift, erratic motion to look at her,

"Well, Harley girl... why don't we go poke a bat with a stick?" He proposed excitedly, practically hopping about from one foot to the other. "The boys will take care of the, uh, refurbISHMENT here, and we shall go out to play!" Joker snapped his fingers at the nearest henchman and pointed at him, "You're in charge, Bloo! Congrats! Just keep in touch, would ya? I'm takin' the missus out to see a deaaaaar old friend, see?" The henchman he'd pointed at (and has assigned to be 'Bloo') nodded vehemently, his panda mask bobbing about with the motion. Joker's grin doubled in size and he whacked the henchman on the knees with his cane. He set off for the entrance to the club, knowing the car had been parked out front, swinging his cane and whistling,

"HaaaaaaaaaarLEY!" He called for her to join him, assured she was doing so when he heard the quick tapping on her heels as she ran to catch up to him.

Harley quickly followed after him, shoes clacking against the ground as she did. When they got to the car, she grinned excitedly. she loved that car; it was a perfect color and a perfect design, and she always loved being in it. Going fast, practically flying! She had moved to the car, and then, when they arrived, one of the men out front had opened the car door for Harley after tossing the keys to Joker. She was happy, her eyes happy as she slid into the car and sat herself in the seat properly. The door was closed behind her, and she happily awaited her Joker to join, reaching over to slide a hand down over his arm innocently. "Puddin, I got another riddle for 'ya." She said sweetly, her mock innocence coming back into play. "You cannot enjoy me, until you spread me.." She hummed the words, their little odd sense of foreplay sliding into the light. The riddle rolled off her lips in the sweetest hint of a purr, a grin settling itself on her lips as she leaned back into her chair, knowing that the riddle wou would only hype him up to get the night really, really started. Which meant tearing up the city to the max before they finally returned to their apartment.

Joker leaned towards her in the darkness of the car, illuminated only be the dashboard and the lights from the club just outside,

"PEANUT BUTTER!" He exclaimed, slapping the leather of her seat rather uproariously as he laughed in sync with the motion, "NOW LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!" Joker slammed down on the accelerator - the car even skidded as it set off. Joker cackled and smacked the steering wheel a few times, letting his head drift from side to side as he laughed - eyes closed. There was an obnoxious beep from one of the other drivers and Joker didn't even bat an eyelid as he swerved to make them crash into a fire hydrant - which in turn caused the top to go flying off and the water to come cascading out in a steady torrent. J tipped his head back and laughed louder. Harley didn't know this but J had already had the city hall ready to blow - right from the moment he'd suggested it back in the apartment. Now he held the detonator aloft, deadly excitement glinting in his eyes, "Let's start the countdown, baby! 5... 4... 3... 2-" Joker cut himself off as he caught sight of a familiar looming shape in the wing mirror, turning to Harley with a contagious grin (truly like a kid on Christmas) and exclaimed, "We have got company!"

Harley was a bundle of happy giggles as the car moved about the road, going far over the speedlimit, that was for sure. She raised her eyebrows as she watched her lover dearest. She grinned widely at his words, her eyes flicking to look in the mirror to see the BatMobile behind them. "Batsy batsy batsy," She cooed out the little pet name as she looked back to her Joker, grinning widely. "We gonna play with em, puddin?" She asked, almost like she didn't expect him to say yes, but she knew the answer. She knew they'd play with him as much as they could, tease him and give him a run for his money. She leaned back into the seat, her fingers curling into the fabric of the sheet as she allowed herself to calm down and breathe in a little breath of excitement. Her eyes watched carefully, and she could hear that maniacle laughter, her favorite sound. But then, Batsy was landing on the roof. And while the chase was always fun, she didn't want him to be so close and personal with them, and she began to get annoyed. Her eyes went dark as she reached for the nearest gun. "Stupid Batsy," She started, moving to press the gun to the roof. "You're rUINING DATE NIGHT!" She exclaimed, and began to shoot up into the roof. Of course, this was hurting her favorite little car, but they were rich, beyond rich, and they could easily afford another one any time of the day.

Joker did nothing more than try his hand at some expert level steering to try and throw the pesky bat from the roof. He didn't even jump when the bat landed on the car the way that his Harley had. Listening to her vexations and shenanigans, he couldn't help but start up with the maniacal laughter yet again,

"Come ON, ya big freak show! Give us a RUN for our money!" He roared, eyes wide and grin all encompassing as he stomped down on the gas once again, "Harley-baby - peaches - Daddy needs you to undo your seatbelt and JUMP WHEN I TELL YOU TO JUMP!" He licked his lips in an open mouthed laugh, head tipped back once again. He didn't undo his own seatbelt - knowing either Harley or the Bats himself would get him out of the water. They approached the edge of the road before the pier, and thus the countdown began, "3! ... 2! ... JUMP, HARLEY, JUMP! ... 1!" And with that, the car crashed right through the barricade and went right off the edge into the black water below. The Joker was knocked out instantly, but laughing right up until the very moment he lost consciousness.

Harley looked to him, but did astold and unbuckled herself, and, on his command, leapt from the car. She tumbled, her arms and legs getting cut up in the process. She didn't care though, she was instantly too worried about her Mistah J, as he hadn't jumped. Of course he hadn't. Of course. She quickly moved herself up off the ground, panic pressing to her veins. Batsy seemed to disappear into the water as well, she knew he was fetching Joker from there. She needed to act fast so that he didn't end up thrown in jail. Her hands found some of the bombs that she still had on her, but these were different, little sleeping gas filled bombs and one real little bomb. She planted the real bomb and took a few steps back, hiding behind one of the poles until Batman had emerged with Joker, the bomb being set off just enough to startle the bat, before she'd thrown her sleeping gas out into the chaos, before she'd swooped in. She'd managed to catch Joker when Bat had fallen, and quickly supported him properly to get away, before she had propped him against one of the buildings in an ally, fetching her phone and quickly calling one of the henchmen to bring them a car. She finished and crouched down, studying his wet state and moving to press her fingers to find a pulse. Once she knew there was one, she lightly took his head in her hands and began to lightly slap at his cheeks. "Mistah J, you gotta wake up."

Joker woke with a grin on his face, blinking up at Harley. Ah, what a darling sight to wake up to. He was reminded of their 'Chemical Wedding' when she had jumped into the vat of chemicals he'd fallen in himself oh so many years ago. That was the day she'd been born as Harley Quinn - as who she really was. J grinned up at her, reaching up a smack gently at her cheek. She never even had to wear foundation, because her skin was now always bleached white and flawless. Joker patted her and turned his face into the hand she had by his cheek and pressed a kiss to her palm,

"Harley, baby, tell me - is my new suit ruined?" He asked, his voice croaky and affected by the salt water; yet still somehow just as peculiar and unique as usual, "where's Bats? D'you take out the Bat all by yourself, Harley-girl? THAT'S my girl!" He roared joyously clapping and wheezing as he rolled around and then suddenly he pitched over to the side and started coughing up water. "I'm at your mercy, doll. Take me home and fix me up- oh! But FIRST! The main event!" The Joker raised his arm once again to reveal he still had the detonator clenched in his fist - and pressed it without a momen't hesitation. A huge explosion set off a few seconds later and fireworks appeared in the sky along with the rest of the blast that spelled out 'FOR HARLEY'.

Joker spread his arms out wide and shouted, "DATE NIGHT!"

Harley had almost sighed in relief when he woke up, but she let him do as he wanted, giggling quietly as he spoke. "Bats is knocked out. Sleeping gas is a gals best friend." She said softly, before she had went to stand up, going to help him but then, he was exclaiming stuff again. Her eyes lifted at the sound of explosions, and her heart melted instantly. She spun to him then, pulling him to his feet and wrapping her arms around his neck tightly, clinging onto him. "Oh puddddddin!" She cried out, nuzzling her nose into his wet skin with a little muffled sniffle. "You actually blew up the town hall for me! What a dolllll! Tonights been the absolute best, Mistah J!" She cooed happily, beginning then to coat him in the sweetest of kisses. Then, she parted and studied him with a grin. "Lets go home, Puddin." She told him, taking his hand and tugging him to the car that stopped at the road, one henchmen getting out and Harley opened the passanger door to let her Joker in, deciding he shouldn't be driving after well, nearly drowning. "I'll fix you up realllll nice and good!" She promised him, a grin spread across her lips, excited to do so.

Joker shook himself off as if he were a dog - a clinically insane, criminal mastermind, bleached and thoroughly damaged pooch. Joker barked a laugh at the thought. Perhaps he should buy Harley some kind of a tail to wear with some of her outfits. He'd like that. Just like a pet. J jogged over, examining the (surprisingly limited) damage done to his gun and threw an arm around Harley's shoulder - not caring that he was still soaking wet. J was far too narcissistic to care about something like that affecting someone else. There were distant screams and crying in the nearby distance. No doubt the after effect of the blast they'd unleashed on City Hall - and Joker revelled in it. This was HIS domain. The Clown Prince of Darkness, they called him - and he was just that. He was sure they'd call him a terrorist on the news and that the police and not doubts good ol' BATS would come after him - but he knew something that THEY didn't know. None of them did. They didn't UNDERSTAND. This was what he needed. He needed to be feared by all - that way he had more obedient men, more respect, more money and clients less willing to try and trick him... This was what he lived and BREATHED and few understood that the way HARLEY did. That was why she was still alive - why she shared his bleached skin and slept in his bed and was covered in jewellry and all the luxuries she could want. She was just as demented and insane as he was, and she was his - he owned her. The Joker loved nothing more than possessing and owning THINGS and PEOPLE. That was the true mark of power - and he was all for power. Once they were in the car he allowed her to click him into his seatbelt, and waited for her to leave to walk round to the other side before unbelting himself and stretching out on the gap between them so that he could rest his head in her lap. He had to think up some riddles she hadn't heard yet aswell...

Harley had climbed into the car and had started it up just as he laid his head in her lap. She looked down to him, her dress covered in blood. She almost sighed at that. Almost. Her hand moved to stroke his hair, playing with the messy, wet locks as she began to drive back home. A sense of delight lingering there now. "How are you thinking we end off date night, puddin?" She asked him. "A back massage? You're definitely gonna be prettty sore in'a bit." She told him, her eyes dropping only for a moment to watch him before she had looked back to the road. "I could give you a nice loooong massage. I know you like them. And maybe you could have a quick shower," She glanced to him again. "You're startin to smell like seaweed, Mistah J." Her last words were a little playful, knowing he'd respect the playful tone she had with him. Her fingers were still idly playing with his green hair, driving quickly and swiftly through the streets. After a few minutes, they pulled up to their apartment, so she turned off the car, and pulled the keys out before she leaned back into the seat. "Maybe we can have some wiiine before bed too," She hummed sweetly. She had really enjoyed their night, from the little bursts of physical affection to his shows of visual and verbal affection, and the fighting and the murder. Of course, him almost drowning scared her for a moment, but she had gotten her Mistah J back in one piece.

Joker frowned at her incessant noisy chatter. Her high pitched, heavily accented voice got to be grating on his nerves a lot of the time. If he were a sane man, he wouldn't be able to stand it, but seeing as he had never... possessed all of his marbles...

He cracked one eye open to stare at her as she drove. What was the woman harping on and on and on about now? Seaweed? Oooh, he liked seaweed. Harley had once told him his hair looked like seaweed when it was in water (she'd told him this after they'd almost drowned once, but the point was still made). Joker wasn't at all listening to what she was saying, but if he swished his head from side to side on her lap he SWORE he could still hear the ocean. Thought he wasn't too sure about that - because of all the voices and the mayhem that presided there anyhow. What a hoot! He played absentmindedly with the hem of Harley's dress, and made a 'blegh' face when he got some blood on his hand.

"I'll getcha a new, uh, one of these..." he murmured, but knew she probably didn't hear him. He perked up at the mention of alcohol, raising a hand up so fast to point upwards like he'd just discovered the cure for cancer that he almost punched her in the face, "We're all stocked full of champagne, Harls! Riddle me this-" He wriggled about and struggled about until he was sat up once again in his own seat - not paying mind to the fact he'd nearly caused them to drive off the road again, "How do you stop a dog from barking in July?"

Harley had, however, leaned her head back in time to avoid the more than accidental hit. She raised her eyebrows at the man curiously, beginning to think carefully. "I dunno Puddin'. How do you stop a dog from barking in July?" She asked him for the answer to the riddle after a few moments of thought before she was takign the key out of the ignition and sliding out of the car, moving to bump the door shut and kicking off her bloodied heels, picking them up after with her hands alone and moving to the passanger seat, pulling his door open for him and tilting her head curiously. She couldn't quite figure out how one was suppose to make a dog stop barking in July, it was deifnitely one she hadn't heard yet. She knew that he would enjoy sharing a new riddle with her, and she figured she'd continue to tell him more riddles once they were inside and he was out of the wet suit and into his at home clothes and she was free of all the blood. She knew things would be equally as nice following up the exciting night they'd had, and she couldn't wait to finally get some just them time, all them, all alone! Finally! She'd been itching all night for that! She sighed happily and moved to take his hand, tugging him out of the car and into a sweet kiss.

Joker allowed her to kiss him - even reciprocating - though he was far too excited to tell her the answer to the riddle and so he stopped it short and grabbed her by the upper arms, giving her the answer directly to her with the excitement of someone who was telling a family member they'd just been promoted,

"You kill the dog in June!" He yelled and then fall back against the car laughing and waving his hand about randomly - the other was clutching at his chest. J never found anything half funny. It was either hysterical or simply not worth his time. Eventually he was done, wiping tears away from his eyes. It was then that his mood switched and his face dropped all sign od joviality. The usual smile dropped and his eyes became quickly dark and fathomless. His red mouth turned down in a nasty grimace and he fixed Harley with a cold glare, taking deliberately heavy and loaded steps towards her. J forced her to back up until she was near enough to the wall that he could grab hold of the front of her dress and smash her back against the wall itself, "Remember Arkham, Harley? No, see, Harley wouldn't remember THAT because this was before HER time. This was Dr. HARLEEN, uh, remember her? Do you recall sitting across a table from me? From your very own Joker? While I sat there, uh, STRAPPED UP? Remember that, Harls? YOU LET THEM BEAT ME, HARLEEN. YOU DECLARED ME INSANE. THEY PUT ME. IN. SOLITARY. BECAUSE. OF. YOU." Joker roared right in her face. Her stupid, obnoxious face. How had he FORGOTTEN the things Harleen had allowed them to DO to him? And she CLAIMED to love him?! Such betrayal was-

But then again her skin was the bleached white colour of his skin, and she had 'ROTTEN' tattooed along her jaw and- oh, looksie- right there was that dainty heart he'd tattooed on her cheekbone. This couldn't be Harleen. This was Harley. His Harley. Poor kid stood there and took it all and still loved him. Joker pursed his lips, cocking his head at her curiously. What had he been doing? Oh, that's right. It was date night. J stepped away from her and slicked his hair back, adjusted his suit and then strolled over the premises into the lobby for their apartment, whistling just like he had before they left.

Harley had winced as she was slammed there, the pain vibrating in her back. She knew what was coming, but just as quick as it began, it was gone again. She swallowed, a bit thicker than normal, and took a moment to regain herself. He was strutting off and it left her there with a sore pain in her back, which only left her feeling the rest of the pain on her body currently too. The cuts and bruises that were definitely forming on her perfectly white skin from jumping out of the car, the banging ache in her shoulder from the impact. She cringed. She brushed it off though. Tonight was date night. Tonight was their night. Nothing was suppose to get in the way of that, especially not some silly thing like pain! If anything, that should make it better!... Right? She shook the thought too and quickly pushed herself off the wall and sprinted after him. She entered the apartment with him, her hands dusting at her dress. It was definitely ruined now. She could even see some tears in it along her body, surely there was more tears along her back in the dress as well. Utterly ruined, and it had looked so nice too.. She supposed she could always get a new one, however. "What would you like to do for the rest of the night, Mistah J?" When she asked that time, she left it at that. Her voice wasn't as chirpy as the previous moments, her eyes assessing the damage that had been done to her dress, her legs and her arms, and then what had been done to him. She couldn't see any knicks on his face, no bruises or scratches, but his suit was definitely ruined. They'd need to get him a new one of those too, she decided. Asap, because she knew he liked that suit, or at least, he seemed to. He seemed really into it. His fancy, pretty suit, and she couldn't wait to go shopping again. Of course it would mostrly be for her. It was always mostly for her. She discovered that shopping was usually his way of little apologies or attempts to make her not mad or upset. Usually, it worked.

Joker pivoted back to look at her, hand in his pocket while the other swung aimlessly at his side. They were in their own apartment, now. Though they owned every single apartment in the building - the penthouse suite was the one that belonged to THEM. Their love shack, as Harley had labelled it in the early days. Joker's expression was still dark, but in a different way now. His stare was smoldering and his grin was knowing as he took his time to make his way towards her. He kept his hand in his pocket even as he circled an arm around her waist and tugged her closer to him. J stroked his free hand down the side of her face, doing an exaggerated pout at all the cuts and bruises from where she'd jumped out of the car. At least it had been Bats' fault this time. He pouted still as he reached around and very slowly tugged the zip of her dress down. He pushed the straps of the dress over her shoulders and tugged at it until it fell to her knees. Joker inhaled sharply and licked along her jawline, snarling possessively.

"It's bath time, kid." He informed her and then dragged her along to the bathroom. The bath they had in there was so big that it took up a whole entire room of it's own and was always full and always pre-heated. Joker jumped in fully clothed, creating the world's smallest cannonball and laughed like the loon he was.

Harley's body instantly became putty under his touch, her eyes falling half lidded as he licked along her jawline, her head tilting slightly as a small sigh left her, the dress falling leaving her in a nice pair of pink panties. She'd dropped her heels in the process as well, but followed him to the bathroom. She moved herself to get towels for them, laying them out for when they were done. Unlike him, she was going to get proper for the bath, after all the cuts she'd recieved would.. Need it. She moved to pull some bobby pins out of her hair, as she used it to keep some back from her face. Then, she hooked her fingers into the waistband of her panties and slid them off, before she was carefully sliding into the hot water, a sigh of relief leaving her as the warmth soothed her aching muscles. She'd suffered quite the beating from- the ground. The ground had literally bested her. Well, she'd blown lots of ground up! So it was fine! She shook the thought as she sunk herself until she was up to her shoulders in water, her multicolored hair becoming wet as it dipped into water, her eyes clothing for a moment as she dipped her head back, allowing herself to enjoy the moment before they opened and she moved over to him, one hand on his chest, the other somewhere in the water as she leaned to kiss his cheek gently. "Tonight was real nice puddin," She told him, despite the little incident that happened down in the front of the apartment.. The night had been fantastic! Harley couldn't focus on those little moments, they were bound to happen, after all, he was insane, and he wasn't entirely wrong. But, again, she couldn't focus on that! She had to focus on ther est of the night! Like how he blew up CITY HALL for her! "The explosion and fireworks at the end were a reallll nice touch,"

Joker grinned right back at her, all jovial and giddy. To those around him, it looked like he was just on drugs all of the time. That was why it was so terrifying to them when they found it he didn't even NEED drugs to be like this - that he was just insane and unbelievably intelligent to boot. J drew her in by fixing her chin between his thumb and forefinger, and pressed a fleeting smooch to her lips. She'd been a very good girl tonight, after all. His mind had genuinely blanked out the encounter in front of the apartment already. This was part of his issues, just as Harley had discerned when studying his case. Sometimes he suffered blackouts and a slight lapse in his character. Of course, it wasn't UNLIKE him to manhandle or threaten her, but it was unlike him to call her Harleen or even be bothered by how things had been when they first met. He made an 'aaaaahhh' sound and made a grandiose motion of crossing his arms behind his head,

"Help me get the suit off, would ya, peaches? It's, uh- it's- I can't- I'm feeling choked-" He started to struggle with the suit a little. Sometimes he'd forget how much he'd hated the straight jackets he used to be forced to where. Back at the time they'd felt like home to him because he'd MADE HIMSELF think that way. In the form of traumatic memories they were constricting and the weight his suit now had when soaked through with water was eerily familiar. HE NEEDED THE SUIT TO BE OFF ALREADY.

"Of course puddin," Harley said quickly, and moved then to help him, sliding his jacket off and tossing it out of the tub, undoing his bowtie, then unbuttoning his shirt, sat close to him as she stripped him free of the shirt. Her eyes were watching him carefully. "That better, Mistah J?" She asked him softly as she moved to pat his chest a little, finger pausing momentarily to trace over some of his tattoos, her eyes soft and curious. Then, she paused. "Do y'want out of the pants too?" She questioned, simply curious if they were as uncomfortable as the shirt. She assumed it wasn't as bad for him to have the pants on as the shirt, but it was a bath and it would probably be much more enjoyable for him if he didn't have them on. Which made her wonder if he thought he should have taken them off before hand, not that she asked him afterwards. She shook her head a little and moved to press a gentle and loving kiss to his cheek, her eyes soft as she watched him. "Y'okay now, puddin?" She asked quieter, it worried her when he got those little bursts, and she didn't like the idea of him reliving anything that happened to him in the past, which is what had happened just then. She sat on her knees next to him then, her bust on display barely above the water while she dotted on him.

Joker stared unblinkingly haunted at the ceilings, eyes searching and mouth slightly ajar. His bright green hair floated about in the water exactly like the seaweed Harley had likened it to all that time ago. He uttered something inconherent but undoubtedly absolutely insane, and brushed Harley's worrying hands away. He was fine. He was The Joker. Clown Prince of... whatever. Everything. Nothing. Something - and that ain't nothing. J ground his teeth together for a few contemplative seconds and then, finally, he managed to snap out of it. Joker jerked upright, water sloshing about, and it seemed like he'd forgotten Harley was even there. Upon learning Harley was there...

J 'mmmd' his consent and wriggled about to help her get him out of his suit trousers, watching her all the while. She was disturbing. Beautiful. Equal. Disturbing. He cocked his head at her and watched the worry in her eyes. Why were they there? Nobody worried about him. Nobody cared. She didn't. She couldn't. The girl was just as insane as he was. J advanced towards her in the water, drifting almost uncomfortably close. Joker let his eyes probe over her face, lips purse - almost pouting. Joker didn't know what intimacy was, in reality. He didn't understand how intimate this was. He was unusually calm just then - more willing to allow her to be close to him.

Harley's worry morphed to happiness when he snapped out of the little state he'd gone into, and it left him in front of her, so close. So, very close. Her eyes stared up into his before she smiled softly. "Now ain't that more comfy, puddin?" She hummed, moving to wrap her arms around his neck, their bodies pressing together, bare chest to bare chest. The blood and dirt that had coated her body was now washed away, and all seemed to be fine and dandy, the two were now okay, now fine in their little moment, and Harley loved their little moments. Sure, he dind't know what he did or why he did it, not when it came to these intimate or romantic moments, but she did, and it made her, of all people, happy. She assumed that if he knew what it was that he'd be pretty happy too. She let her fingers curl into his hair a little, playing with it lightly as she did. Then, she leaned forward to place a soft kiss to his lips with a small hum. "I'm forever glad to be yours, Mistah J." She assured him after a moment. She knew that the worry hadn't come up; when it did he didn't even realize it. But it was obvious in his jealousy that he feared that there was a chance that she might leave him to be with another, to be happy, and sometimes she knew it was just nice to tell him that she enjoyed being his possession. His Harley Quinn. His little monster.

Joker was still disarmingly close - close enough that their noses would be touching if he hadn't angled his face the way he had. Why was she so comfortable being this close to him? Why was she not scared or disturbed? Why was she different? Why did she stay?

"Why are you here?" He asked quietly, in a tone that was almost a growl - but not an angry one. He was confused. Well, J was always confused, but this...

He was just stuck in those rare moments when he had a little clarity. It wasn't that he didn't want her there, because he did. He would be lonely without her at this point, and she was entertaining and fun to look at and useful and... something niggled at him but he slapped it away. He slapped at his chest.

Joker knew that of all people, the only person that had a chance of knowing him better than Harley Quinn did was Batman, and even then - Harley might still have the upper hand. There was something beautifully ironic about the no.1 psychopath in Gotham having a professional in psychology as a girlfriend, and J absolutely LOVED irony. What had his point been? Oh, yeah. He wasn't sayin' he wanted her to just get out and LEAVE. No, no, no. He wanted to know why she stayed. Why she was different. Why she claimed to love him. He wasn't sure if he believed she really did or not. Didn't know if such a thing were possible. What even was love? Pesky thing, from what he'd seen. For some reason, anyhow, Harley Quinn had been obsessed with him and for seven years she had not left his side (excluding the breakups they had on a somewhat regular basis). She always came back. It made him curious. It was like the longest running joke and he just couldn't figure out the punchline.

She blinked when he spoke to her, and her eyes softened. It was like some of her insanity had melted away then too. She smiled softly, her hands moving to caress his neck gently. "Because, Mistah J," sHe started quietly. "I'm so horribly in love with you. You are what keeps me utterly insane, and I quite like it that way.. Besides, if I didn't have you, who else would let me put bombs in a mans mouth?" She murmured and moved her hands to begin stroking his jaw gently and lovingly. Harley couldn't begin to explain to him why she was still there, why she hadn't left him ages ago, she couldn't do it, she couldn't find the words past thatshe loved him. He was what made her, her. "I wouldn't be Harley Quinn without my Joker." She explained to him, and her fingers danced along his jaw carefully. "I love you, Puddin. I don't intend to leave 'ya anytime soon." She whispered the last little bit and closed the tiny bit of distance between them to press a soft and loving kiss to his lips.

She knew that it was a rare moment, so she was letting herself bathe in it, enjoying the feeling and the words, the idea that they were so close, and Harley could almost feel how much he actually appreciated her. Love, maybe not so obvious, but the appreciation was obviously there. Which left her happy anyway, because it was something, and something always meant everything to her. She moved her hands to pat his cheek. "You're my Joker, and I'm your Harley Quinn. We wouldn't be the same if we were apart now. People do view us as a package deal," She pointed out, and then, carefully, she moved to stand from the tub, carefully taking his hands aned placing them on her hips, waiting for her to follow the suit of her as well, and stand.

J frowned, plated teeth chewing on his lower lip. His mind would never ever stay still long enough for him to understand, but he got the point. So maybe the crazy dame did love him. That couldn't be such a bad thing. It was about time SOMEONE actually did, anyways. His mother never did, and his father... well his father had-

His mind blanked on that. Couldn't remember the face. Shame. So Harley loved him and he-

He supposed he needed Harley. He CREATED Harley. He OWNED Harley. Harley was his right hand nutter. She was his doll, his accomplice. He admitted he wouldn't have been able to escape Arkham Asylum as many times as he had and so quickly too if not for Harley Quinn. Eventually, he just rolled his neck, letting his head do a full rotation, teeth gritted and lips pulled into a silent snarl. Sometimes he just didn't feel chatty. Oddly, he was reminded of something he'd heard one of the goons say before, that 'everyone has seen the Joker laugh but only Harley Quinn has ever seen him cry'. He'd concede that point. She had indeed seen him cry. OH, AND THERE HAD BEEN THAT WONDERFUL RUMOUR THAT HE CRIED BLOOD! Joker clapped his hands and cackled to himself. Almost obediently, as if on autopilot, J allowed Harley to guide him about while he was stuck in his own head. This was just how they had to work sometimes, and they were so used to doing it that J just let her get on with whatever she had in mind because he always ended up where he needed to be, anyhow. Harley was good at that. A Doctor had once asked him during the many, many, many times his case had been taken on at Arkham, if he was in love with Harley Quinn. He didn't remember it clearly because he never remembered anything CLEARLY anymore, but he'd said something about a firetruck and then he'd headbutted the man. To be rather brutally honest - he hadn't had an answer, and still didn't.

Harley watched him, he seemed pretty out of it off and on tonight, but she guessed that he did almost drown and that had to count for something. She shook her head a little and kissed his cheek, before she got out, wrapped herself up in a towel, before she helped him out and dried him off so that he wouldn't be wet when she coaxed him into bed. She took his hand and carefully led him through the doors until they were in the large bedroom they shared, and she gently nudged him into it. "Maybe we should get some sleep now, Puddin." She told him softly, and moved to dry herself off before tossing the towel into a bin, then, she proceeded to slide on a nice pair of black panties and one of the over sized shirts that Joker had surprisingly allowed her to take from him; the ones he didn't wear anymore out in public so she was granted permission to sleep within them, which she liked obviously. There was something about sleeping in one of his shirts that just provided her with some form of comfort, and it was nice to do so. Plus the fabirc was well- really nice. She relaxed a little and moved to climb into the bed next to him after, pulling the covers up around them and letting out the slightest of sighs as she melted into the soft mattress that laid beneath them, rolling her small body onto her side and gazing up at him, fingers dancing across his jaw once more. "We'll reak some more havoc on the town in the mornin. Sound good, mistah J?" She asjed him, though she knew he would probably agree. It had been a long day and he likely wanted to sleep.

Joker had once again been staring at the ceiling, though this time he was mouthing something to himself and had been gesturing about with his hands. He smacked himself in the face and let out a bizarre, completely out of place cackle. Where was he? Oh. The bed. Which meant Harley should be...

Ah, yes. Harley...

Joker's thoughts all collected on the one thing he had in front of him. It was easier this way, sometimes. It was such a mess up there he wondered how he ever slept. With a violent, snappy shake of his head he brought himself back to reality. The one he was in now, anyway - and wasn't that a bizarre thought? Harls was wearing one of his shirts again. Joker looked at her the way a shark might look at a baby seal. It was there only a moment, though, and gone the next. Suddenly he was grinning again - randomly in that good mood he had been just before they had left the apartment,

"Harley, baby!" He exclaimed and then jumped up to throw himself on top of her. Ignoring her giggles and squeals, he tickled her and then flipped himself over so that he was lying on her, one leg crossed over the other at the knee and his arms folded behind his head. He grinned at the ceiling, now. No more vacant stares. His moods or states came and went like this. Harley was probably the only one to ever actually see the state he'd just been in, mind. Perhaps those at Arkham had, but he'd had no choice then. Joker grinned harder when she spoke. Had he mentioned he liked Harley? She was his favourite. What a top gal, that kid was.

Harley had to catch her breath, his tickles had made her squeal and giggle, leaving her out of breath when he finally stopped what he was doing and simply laid on her. She smiled softly and moved to begin playing with his hair, her eyes soft and gentle as she gazed down at him. Her fingers did little swirls in his hair, watching him with a sense of contentness. She was use to the mood swings, the change in personality, she was use to it. After all, she knew Joker inside and out, she knew him like the back of her hand. After all, she had been his doctor, and now she spent nearly every moment glued to his side. She knew that it would be awhile before he fell asleep, so she began to hum a little. "Puddin, I got one last riddle before bed," She said after a moment. "I'm the highlight of many dates. I'm especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?" She recited it, one of the few that came to mind. She figured that it was the best one to finish of Date Night with, after all, it was about dates. She smiled fondly as she waited for his response, fingers trailing over his arms then. She just liked to touch him, her eyes and fingers tracing out every tattoo on his body, some old, some new, some done by her, some done by him, some done by someone else.

The Joker flipped himself over (not too gently either) and settled himself down between her legs. Elbows propped up either side of her waist, he passed his face from hand to hand, an obscene expression on his face as he thought. He couldn't. The connotations were too much. Eventually he gave up and propped himself up on his knees. His hands fell to improper places, skirting between the lace of her panties, he circled her a few times with his fingers to get her all wet - but she was anyway! What a good, good, GOOD GIRL. J grinned devilishly and took the liberty of inserting a finger, and then another... and then another. For once, he was content enough to pump them slowly in and out of her - because it was part of a joke, see! He couldn't focus on speed or hilarity when he was about to deliver the punchline to a joke! He'd fetch the whoopee cushion later. Joker watched with menacing delight as Harley came undone beneath him, and with a mere tickle of his fingers, too! What a woman! What a gal! What a good sport she was. He decided she was just about ready to hear the punchline and curled his fingers to hit her g-spot, making her moan and writhe. His eyes lit up with the thrill and the power (if there was one thing J could say he truly loved, that would be power) - and his grin doubled in size, glinting in the dimly lit surroundings of their bedroom,

"HARLEY QUINN!" He cried, as a response to her riddle.

Harley's face melted with pleasure at the feeling of his fingers inside her, she could already tell what his answer would be for the end of the night. She curled her toes a little, her fingers moving to curl into the sheets beneath her near her hips, lips parted in a happy little moan, though the more he moved them, the more he curled them, her moans grew a bit louder. She whined out when he finally responded to her riddle with herself- a sense of silly happiness in her chest, after all the beginning of the riddle started with, 'I'm the highlight of many dates'. She let her tongue slip out from between her lips, darting over them to wet them, red lipstick smudged from the earlier kisses. "I mean, yes," She breathed out quietly. "But the real answer is bowling ball." She told him, her voice light and airy. After all, Joker may have been off the rocker but he was more skilled than any man she'd ever even seen! And he knew exactly how to make her purr. Her hips made the slightest of little rolls, wanting a bit more friction, naturally. She was use to him being much, much faster. And harder, than he was being at the moment, and she was so use to him being fast and rough with her, that she craved it now. It was all she could tolerate. Slow, she couldn't tolerate slow. It was like torture for her, though she knew that he definitely enjoyed to torture her, in every way.

Joker paused, stopping his gentle pumping to sit back on his heels and ponder the answer to the riddle. Huh. That was a GOOD one. J frowned suddenly, something rather unpleasant occurring to him. Like a cobra striking, he suddenly had his hand around Harley's throat, his fingers picked up speed and went straight back into motion,

"Tell me, Harley - where do you get these RIDDLES from, hmm? Edward, uh, NIGMA?" He asked but it sounded like a threat. The jealousy spiked within him, impossible to ignore and furious and insecure and fierce. So she was messing around with The Riddler, huh? No. He'd not allowed that. She was...

She was...

No.

His.

J wasn't strangling her in a way that actually hurt her, mainly because he wanted to hear her answer to his accusations, but also partly because it WAS Date Night, after all. A spiteful idea came to him and very swiftly, he removed his fingers and instead used the free hand to pull on her hair, drawing his face closer to hers to inspect it. She was a professional in psychology but he'd picked up a few tricks himself, just from working with her so long. He could read faces and tell when someone was lying. For her sake as well as most of Gotham, she better have a pleasing answer for him.

Harley squeaked at the sudden actions he took, a loud whine falling free of her lips at the faster motion, not to mention his little choking, it always drove her crazy. Though the lack of his fingers left her quivering beneath his every touch, her lips parted slightly trying to catch her breath, shaking her head a little. "No, Mistah J.." She said, looking up into his eyes so eh knew she was being completely honest with him. "You brought home one of those books once, remember? A joke book, but it had some real nice riddles in it." She told him, her body squirming slightly, as she had been on the brink of an orgasm before he stopped completely. "I also found a book the last time we went shopping that had a buuuuncha riddles in it. Its in the drawer if ya wanna check," She told him, her hand reaching out to trace down along his side, her eyes flicking over his face carefully. "I wouldn't be messin around on ya, puddin. Especially not with someone like the Riddler.. Ain't nobody but you who can make this kitten purr." She told him, her voice quiet and holding the truth behind it. Of course, quite a ways back there had been a few incidents. When she was with Poison Ivy, being one. That one time she pretended to be into Batsy to make J jealous. But she didn't intend on doing anything like that, not like wha the thought. And with Edward NIGMA? He had some pretty interesting riddles, but he couldn't even come close to comparing to HER mistah J. And he happened to be the only MAN she wanted. Though she supposed the fact that he was jealous suddenly should be something good for her. Because it meant that he was still completely interested in her.

J tilted his head at her very slowly, eyes probing and scanning for any signs of deception.

... Hmm. The girl might just be telling the truth. Abruptly, a huge smile appeared on his face, his eyebrows unknotted and rose up and his eyes shone with affection,

"THAT'S MY GIRL!" He exclaimed and, seeing as he was already naked and hard enough to knock down an entire house with just the swivel of his hips, he eased Harley's legs further open. Her flexibility was something he could never get enough of. With a SLAM he entered her and then, one hand still around her throat while the other curled around the headboard in a scary display of strength, he popped a kiss on her nose and brought that terrifying grin right up close to her, "Buckle up, Harley-girl! The ride starts soon! Keep all hands and personal belongings INSIDE the vehicle at all times and do NOT try to exit the ride while it is still in motion!" And with that, he started to thrust into her at an almost manic rate, "The best part is... Harls..." he panted out, his slicked back hair coming loose and falling into his face in places, "you don't cum until Daddy says so!"

Harley had just about came the moment he slammed himself inside her, but she forced herself not to. Her eyes stayed on his face, body shaking beneath him from the pleasure that was starting to rumble in her veins. She already knew how it was going to go down, and it made her beyond excited. Her eyes rolled back slightly though when he began to thrust again. She had already been so, so painfully close, and now she wasn't even allowed to let herself feel the pleasure of climax. Her hips jerked slightly, toes curling while her head tilted back slightly, eyes squeezing shut. A loud moan fell from her lips, followed by a cry of pleasure. "OH!~" The noise was a little airy, from the pleasure and his hand curled around her throat. It was beyond hard for her to keep herself from orgasming, but she was a good, good good girl, always a good girl for her mistah j, and he was especially in charge right now. If he said that she couldn't cum until he said so, then she wasn't allowed to cum until he said so, and it left her quivering and twitching beneath his body. One hand fisted the sheets, tugging at them to try to get some sort of distraction from the pleasure before she burst. "M- Mistah J~" She whined out, her voice stuttering for a moment. Boy, he really knew how to end off their date night. This was FANTASTIC! Harley never could get enough of him. Her legs bent a little squeezing against his hips in the slightest.

Joker withdrew from her suddenly. He was always like this in the bedroom - always spontaneous and just as insane as he was outside of it, too. J rolledher over so that she was curled over, and scampered off to retrieve his gun. He ran his hands up and down the back of her thighs for a little bit. Joker knew in essence what it was he wanted to do but it was just... how did he want to carry it out? Which would be the most bizarre...

What fascinated him the most about Harley was the way in which she trusted him. It was unwavering, never faulting. J lined the safety of the gun up with her clitoris and drew it back until it nudged the sensitive spot. He chuckled to himself - fascinated by the sexual exploration. He turned the gun around and drew the safety back again, but this time he trapped her clitoris between the safety and the gun itself. It wasn't painful, just a little tight and he accompanied the feeling with the lightest flickering of his tongue. This would do it. He had a FEELING. This was why he was so good at making plans and carrying them THROUGH-ah.

"Aaaaaaaalright, Harley-girl. Time for the next act!" This was her cue to allow herself to reach her climax. He drew the safety back and let it go, springing it against her most sensitive spot.

Harley had easily transitioned into the position he put her in, naturally so able to do it because of her flexibility. She bit down on her lips though, waiting for him to continue pleasuring her. Her eyes watched him intensely, before she felt the gun against her, a small moan leaving her. Her head tilted back and she squeezed the sheets in her hands, her thighs twitching and quivering beneath his every slight touch, though, she was finally allowed to cum, and he was snapping the safety against her clit, it was impossible for her to not. She curled toes roughly, tightly as she came, her ankles even curling inwards as she let out loud little whines. "Oh-Oh Puddin!" She cried out, finally allowing herself to feel the release of her orgasm, andd then relaxed into the bed, her body slipping out of the position he'd placed her in. She had her knees slightly pressed together, gazing up at him with her pleased eyes. She leaned up slightly, her lips connecting with his for a moment, before she nipped at his bottom lip, then bit a bit harder, enjoying the feeling of being so close to him. Their sex always did that to her.

Joker hummed in a very gravelly, very throaty fashion. He spread his arms out at each side and ran both hands through his hair before letting them drop to hang in the air - as if he were accepting applause from an audience, palms upturned. His arousal was trapped between himself and her navel, but he wasn't too concerned with it. If she wished to finish him off then he would let her, but if it was overlooked then that was fine too as he was a man who was too easily distracted and impatient to linger on one thing for too long. When it came to sex he enjoyed (of course) the feeling, the power, the dominance, the possibilites... but he only enjoyed sex with Harley. She entertained all of these things - AND the girl was exceedingly and impressively flexible. J looped his arms around Harley's fairly sweaty back and splayed his hands out over her back all possessively. She had such beautiful skin, his Harley. When they parted he attended to fixing up her pigtail, tugging on it a little,

"Remember the time I fucked you with a loaded gun?"

Harley had sighed out a little, she leaned into him slightly when he tugged her pigtail, giggling slightly, tongue darting across her lips. "Yeah," She said quietly. "I do," She breathed, a little out of breath from the previous orgasm. But she could very well tell that he was still hard, so she moved her hands to push him back from her a little bit, then her free hand traced down over his chest, her fingers curling around his erection, gazing up at him as she slowly began to pump him, knowing that she needed to get him off- or rather that she wanted to. She saw it unfair ifn she got off and then he didn't, and he always made sure she got off, but he didn't much care about himself unless he was really, really ahrd in the first place. She began to pump him harder and faster as she relaxed herself. "You reallllly enjoyed that," she told him, her eyes locked on his. "That was a really rough session.. We need to do something thaaat rough agian," She told him quietly. "Maybe our next session can involve someeee..." She began to wonder, continuing to pump him. "Maybe you can tie me up next time, hand cuffs.." She said quietly. "Maybe a gag.." She grinned, knowing that he always loved to mess around with new things and even old things.

Joker was busy tying her pigtails together above her head so that he could hold both of them in one hand. He was frowning in concentration as he did so, the only sign he was responding to her pleasuring him (and really this was a very indicative sign for those who knew him and his attention span) was the way his hips moved in tandem with the way she was pumping him. Joker was not the kind of guy who could focus on something like this. He definitely FELT the pleasure and would give little responses to feeling it build and build and he always came when Harley worked on him, but he wasn't really capable of responding to it all the same way others would. The Joker was, after all, not very willing to think of himself as human. He would remain distracted right up until he was just about to come, (apart from very rarely - when he would be fully engaged in it the whole way through) and would always be at his most vulnerable right after he climaxed. Harley sometimes received an 'I love you' at times like this. It kicked in then, and Joker grasped the joined pigtails tight in his fist, his other hand was locked around the curve of Harley's jaw - at the very hinge of it. He allowed his head to tip back, his lips to part and a guttural groan to leave him. He even trembled as he came, hands going slack and losing all their strength. The Joker always felt everything very intensely or not at all. As soon as he could regain control of himself he brought his head back up and locked eyes with Harley. It was surely out of character for him to insist on this but he DID, whenever they were making love he always insisted he and Harley maintained eye contact unless he got distracted. J wanted this now. He needed this. Harley was the only source of intimacy and comfort he had, and he lowered himself down until he was level with her, his hand still secured on her jaw, eyes flitting between her own. No sounds permeated the silence apart from their own breathing as it slowed down.

Harley whimpered out at the feeling of him gripping her pigtails, and she let him have his orgasm, her eyes locked on his face. It was so erotic, she always loved watching him cum. It was so.. He looked so vulnerable. She felt his cum splatter up over her stomach, over her breast. She grinned a little, looking up at him, eyes trailing over him momentairly before she locked with his again, allowing the intimate moment linger between them. Her free hand gently trailed up his chest, curling around his neck for a moment as she guided him close, kissing him gently and sweetly. "I love you, puddin." She told him quietly, knowing that these were one of the rare moments where she might have been able to get the words back in return. She remained laid beneath him, sticky and covered in his cum, not that she would ever mind it or care, she was so use to it anyway. Her hand was still lightly pumping to ride him through his orgasm til he was done and then, she rubbed her hands along his sides, his chest, tracing his tattoos carefully as she did. She didn't dare say anything else though, knowing how easily he got distracted from everything and anythign all at once so easily. She rubbed her hands along his skin, just appreciating him so gently with a smile on her lips, not moving her eyes from his either in the moment that they were laid there.

J looked as if he were struggling with something. Often when he returned her sentiment it was a reward or something he was testing out. He always knew SHE was going to say it, he just never knew whether he would intentionally respond or not. J just...

He didn't know.

What was...

He didn't say it. Instead, he gently prized her hands away from him and scooped her up off her knees. He crawled over with her to the head of the bed - and without a word - he began to tuck her in under the covers. Joker himself rolled over and rested his head on her lap, he took up her hand and began to flip it about, examining it.

"Harls..." He murmured, and then placed her hand in his hair. He doubted he would be able to sleep very well that night unless she helped him slip into it. Something was niggling at him. It was like he was, uh...

Buzzing? Buzzing. More so than usual. What was the gag this time? Was he sick? Nuhuh. A man so fulla life didn't get sick so easily. He was distracted, though, by Harley massaging at his scalp and playing with his hair, "Harley-girl?" He yearned for her attention, pawing at her with his eyes closed, "I love you, kid." J had murmured it and he'd no clue that he'd even said it. Perhaps it was one of his subconscious insane ramblings. Who knew? He had so many of those damn things, how was he supposed to keep tally of all of them?

There was a way to get some of their toxic serum into the city's water supply through the tunnels Killer Croc lived in, he was sure...

Just like that, he was already distracted by another thought - his mind taking him off on a tangent.

Harley had beamed at the words and moved to begin massaging his scalp for a quiet moment, and continued to do it until he was seemingly more relaxed. "I love you too, Puddin." She told him with a soft tone, relaxing into the bed carefully. "Any plans for tomorrow, Mistah J?" she asked quietly, knowing it would be awhile before he managed to sleep, if it happened at all. She leaned carefully to get the tissues at the nightsand on her side, wiping the cum off her chest and off her stomach before she moved herself to toss it into the garbage, trying the best she could not to move too much and accidentally make him uncomfortable. She didn't want that, she wanted him to get him comfy so that she could let him sleep. She was happy that he had said that he loved her, because it was so undeniably rare that it only happened at certain times, and she never knew if he knew that he ever said it, or why he said it, or what he said. Though, she couldn't complain. Even if he had no idea, it was so delightful to hear, especially with how their relationship worked. She closed her eyes and began to drift a little, almost falling asleep but forcing herself to stay aware and alert to listen to his breathing to find out if he was sleeping or not. Of course he was meant to answer the question she asked, but he didn't entirely and completely need to, nor was it a gurantee that he would.

Joker stirred at the air with his hand. The motion was somehow vague yet erratic at the same time. He sat up ram-rod straight after a moment of thinking - completely and fully awake once again. Sure, J was BAD with his memory at times but he always, always, always remembered his calendar - events that he could exploit and make his own - holidays and reasons to cause mischief. Society never saw it coming, no matter how cliched or predictable it was.

"Tomorrow's only the greatest day of the year, pet! Bats' birthday! Oh, the old freak must be about 80 already! All the PRESENTS we've got waiting for him, doll... all the trickery..." He turned to her with a savage grin and then in one (miraculously speedy) motion, he secured himself under the covers and rolled himself over to her side of the best. They always slept like this. The Joker settled down with his head on her chest, his arms wrapped around her waist - and she would always stroke his hair. It was the only known thing that worked to calm him down. That and, of course, letting him ramble on about his maniacal plans and ideas for pranks to play on Batman.

Harley had welcomed him into the position, kissing his head gently, before she began to stroke his messy hair, which had come undone in their session. His sex was always one of the few things that managed to mess up his hair. She ran her hand back through his hair, her eyes still shut. "We'll make it a fantastic ol'day, puddin.," She promised him before she had relaxed into the bed. After a moment of some hours of him rambling on, she finally heard him fall asleep and had allowed herself to fall asleep too. It was nice, sleeping after he'd allowed her son much pleasure, not to mention that well.. It had taken a lot out of her, their date night. Her body was still kinda achy but she decided that the tnire night as a whole was a whole lot better than just that one moment of her jumping from the car. When she woke the next morning, her precious Joker was already up by the seems of it, though he seemed to have only recently woke up as he was still on her chest, snuggled tightly up into her. And attemtping to resnuggle into her, almost like he was itching for some more sleep, which she totally udnerstood, but he was excited for the day the night before, so she figured it was best to get up and get ready for the day before she forgot herself. "Good mornin puddin," She cooed quietly, her voice soft and cracking from the morning.

Joker didn't bother to pretend he wasn't irritated. He felt like death. Well, he ALWAYS felt like death. He meant this in a more 'inside his head' sense, and that STILL wasn't outside of the ordinary. J grumbled some sort of vaguely insincere threat and hurled one of their many cushion at the direction had voice had come from. He only did this when she was out of the bed, though. He was not a man fond of sabotaging himself. Self preservation came first. Although... he couldn't exactly sleep without Harley in the bed...

"Do me a favour, would you, kitten? Get your dainty little baseball bat and KNOCK ME OUT WITH IT!"

Unexpectedly, he slammed his fist down into the mastress and reared up, his hair all messed up and roared the last part at her. The Joker was bad enough when he'd slept well, but his sleep deprived days were...

Sometimes he made his henchmen carry him around as if they were all parts of a giant human throne, or as if they were one of those big... parade floats...

That gave J an idea. He'd need to look into that.

What was Harley doing? What was she saying?


	2. Two: Kidnapped

The thick smoke that could only come from fire and destruction billowed from cars and the mall in general as it loomed behind them. J wasn't too fussed about the guys from the police squad who were currently trying their oh, so very best to detain them to take back to Arkham Asylum. It wasn't that J disliked it at Arkham...  
Who was he kidding? He couldn't even keep a straight face as he tried to THINK that sincerely to himself.   
And he'd just set Harley's entire collection of stuffed animals up in a bonfire! SOMEBODY had to make up for that before Harley went on her OWN rampage. Sometimes there was just no talking to the kid. When it became apparent that his henchmen were failing to do their job, he swiveled and turned to face all involved, stuffed animals clutched in one hand, cane in the other,  
"Is it really that HARD to just knock a guy out? Don't you know we're on a time frame, here? Do you need me to DEMONSTRATE how to do YOUR job?"   
There was a heavy, ashamed silence from all the goons. Joker sighed bitingly and stepped towards one of the cops very sharply, smacking him so hard upside the head with his cane that there was even a noticeable dent in the side of the man's skull. Automatically, the henchmen started to clap, though it was the kind of jilted, terrified laughter of hostages trying to appease their captor. J didn't pay mind to all that and simply gave them an overly grandiose bow. He glanced down to the plushie in his other hand. HARLEY'S plushie, and tried to wipe the blood off of it. He couldn't very well hand her a stuffed unicorn covered in blood, could he? Or would she appreciate that kind of thing? She was unpredictable. Sometimes she turned her nose up at things and sometimes she did a little twirl and went 'oh, mistah j! you treat me so good! you're so ROMANTIC, mistah j!'.  
J was obviously aiming for the latter. She hadn't even given him a goodbye kiss before he'd left to go raid the mall!   
Shocking behaviour.  
Well, he'd raided an entire toy store and three makeup stores for her now.   
He grew tired of all the WALKING, so he made the henchmen carry him back to the massive truck they'd filled to the brim with makeup and jewellry and hair dye and stuffed animals. Joker was SUDDENLY reinvigorated enough to want to drive it and bounced around happily in the driver's seat as they ventured to make the journey home. His little harlequin couldn't stay mad at him after THIS.  
Arriving at him made him even bouncier and jovial than usual. He petted and cooed at the henchmen and looped his arm through on of theirs and squeezed at their cheeks on the walk up to the apartment, and immediately separated from them once he had reached the penthouse. He knew Harley would be in her 'shoes room' because she was SULKING and when Harley sulked, she got all... materialistic. Fun, right? Not for his credit card.  
"Haaaaaaarley! Daddy's got a surprise for you, peaches!" J called out, and tried not to double up laughing at the sound of her trying to maintain a slow pace as she walked over to him. Rounding the corner, she was wearing one of her most expensive outfits, and pouted and lingered by the doorframe. He held his hand out and beckoned for her to take it and led them down to the massive moving truck outside. She frowned in confusion, her delicate little eyebrows knotting,  
"We movin', puddin'?"  
"No, kid. OPEN IT UP, BLOO!"  
And so the storage part of the truck was revealed, and stuffed animals by the hundreds spilled out of the back. Harley's reaction was priceless. J just stood there looking all smug and superior, examining the head of his cane.  
Of course she was mad! He'd burned her stuffies! She couldn't just let him get off with that! Though when the containment's of the truck was later revealed, her mouth dropped open at all the stuffed animals pouring out of it. Excitement grew in her chest, doing a happy little twirl before she was taking hold of him, dragging him into a tight hug. "Oh Mistah J~!" She cried out happily. "You're such a ROMANTIC!~" She was undeniably happy now, pressing a big, happy smooch to his cheek before she had swiveled on her foot and happily bounced into the sea of toys and make up, picking up a large stuffed teddy bear, hugging it to her chest and falling back into the pile of teddies, happily squealing as she rolled around in them, legs kicking in the air before she looked over to her Joker. "Ohhhhhh Puddin! How could I ever stay MAD at you!?" She called out, sitting up in the middle of the pile before she was getting out of it and hoisting herself up into the truck, her eyes looking about the filled truck, wide and excited, filled with insane delight at the fact he was getting alllll these for her! Just for her! What a romaaaaaanitc! She beamed happily and began to look about the truck, pickinng up some stuffies and then tossing it to pick up another, then picking up arm fulls and swinging herself around, happy, maniacal laughter falling from her lips. How GREAT was her Mistah J for going through ALL THAT TROUBLE just for her! What a fantasttttic lover! She was just ecstatic sitting herself in the middle of the open part of the truck, crossed legged as she began to look through the make up, her curls bouncing still from her excitement.  
J stood by and mimed her as she went through her little "Oh mistah J! You're such a ROMANTIC!" routine. What a gem that girl was. He was half tempted to take her by her pigtails right there and have his way with her in that sea of fluffy-  
Nah. He didn't have his whoopee cushion to hand. And it was no fun when he had to worry about the others seeing her coveted bits and bobs. Joker cocked his head. Something was off here....  
Men were missing. At least... three of them. Come to think of it... something had been off the entire night. SOME of them simply hadn't been as obedient or receptive as usual. Didn't even know to respond to 'Bloo' or 'Darcy'! Amateurs!  
Or...?  
Rats. RATSRATSRATSRATSRATS. SEWER RATS.   
Very abruptly and very dramatically, the shutter to the back of the truck came slamming down, trapping Harley in the back. Joker's eyes widened, he unconsciously reached out for her so sharply that he was sure he'd almost dislocated his OWN shoulder (what a hoot!). Joker lunged forwards but the REALITY of THIS reality was that he was too late and nOW THE TRUCK WAS PULLING OFF.  
Harley.  
They had-  
They took her.  
Harley. Harley? Harley. HARLEY.  
HarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarley-  
J swiveled to look to the nearest henchmen,  
"Where is she?" He asked, sounding very much like the devil himself. "Where's Harley?" He growled and then slowly turned back around only to beat the living shit out of a leftover stuffed animal with his cane.  
When he was done and a plan was formulated in his mind, he straightened up, sorted his suit and hair out, he fixed the dark road ahead of him with a disturbing grin.  
Of course she was mad! He'd burned her stuffies! She couldn't just let him get off with that! Though when the containment's of the truck was later revealed, her mouth dropped open at all the stuffed animals pouring out of it. Excitement grew in her chest, doing a happy little twirl before she was taking hold of him, dragging him into a tight hug. "Oh Mistah J~!" She cried out happily. "You're such a ROMANTIC!~" She was undeniably happy now, pressing a big, happy smooch to his cheek before she had swiveled on her foot and happily bounced into the sea of toys and make up, picking up a large stuffed teddy bear, hugging it to her chest and falling back into the pile of teddies, happily squealing as she rolled around in them, legs kicking in the air before she looked over to her Joker. "Ohhhhhh Puddin! How could I ever stay MAD at you!?" She called out, sitting up in the middle of the pile before she was getting out of it and hoisting herself up into the truck, her eyes looking about the filled truck, wide and excited, filled with insane delight at the fact he was getting alllll these for her! Just for her! What a romaaaaaanitc! She beamed happily and began to look about the truck, pickinng up some stuffies and then tossing it to pick up another, then picking up arm fulls and swinging herself around, happy, maniacal laughter falling from her lips. How GREAT was her Mistah J for going through ALL THAT TROUBLE just for her! What a fantasttttic lover! She was just ecstatic sitting herself in the middle of the open part of the truck, crossed legged as she began to look through the make up, her curls bouncing still from her excitement.  
J stood stationary for all of two minutes, that horrifying, promising smile lingering on his face until he had a plan secure in his mind. He knew what he needed to do. He was also fairly sure he knew who'd sprung the foolish, idiotic attack. Hacking into his bank account? Barely a nuisance. Tattling to Batman and asking him to come beat J up? Child's play. He did that daily. But to steal Harley? HIS Harley? The only person who actually, genuinely cared about him had been whisked away from him, right from under his nose.   
It had been clever to disguise themselves as henchmen. Unfortunately for those BUFFOONS, that was APPARENTLY where their level of intellect hit the ceiling with a BAM and a cloud of oily testosterone and... general... grease. Rats were a filthy, filthy bunch. J pinched at his nose and then ran a hand through his hair like a RAKE. There was a cutesy, batshit insane, adorable psycho-maniac who was prone to hysteria waiting for him.   
At least she had...   
Did Harley have any weapons? Harley herself was a fairly deadly weapon. HIS secret weapon. But when faced with too many...  
There was just too much room for error.   
"Bloo, Darcy... others; bring the ice cream truck round front!" He yelled, examining her PUDDIN' necklace - it was strewn along the coffee table in the living room. She must have taken it off to make a statement. The darling girl had even positioned it in a way that he would have no choice but to see when he entered the apartment. What an established trickster she was!  
He scooped it up and tucked it as carefully as he was capable of in the pocket of her big, purple leather trench coat. On his way back out to the front, he grabbed his cane and a few of his favourite switchblades. Without any further hesitation he did an action movie type jump into what he and Harley liked to call 'the ice cream van' - because that was what it had started it's life as. That was until The Joker had gotten his hands on it. Now it was a fully weaponised offensive vehicle. Harley would LOVE being rescued by this. She'd be over the moon, she'd-  
He missed her already. Joker's teeth ground together, even with the grills on, and his knuckles turned a dangerous shade of white around his cane. The henchmen knew they needed to prove themselves as useful to him, especially while he was in such an unstable mood. They needed to prove they weren't expendable when he decided to take is anguish/fury out on them later on. The inside of the ice cream van was decked out with the newest and most dangerous and unique armory. Even the ice cream storage vats were chock full of grenades and other various deadly weapons. Joker occupied himself with loading up his gold plated AK-47.   
HarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarley-  
Fortunately for the henchmen who was driving, he'd managed to tail the (extremely out of place) van as it pulled into some kind of... was that supposed TO BE A HEADQUARTERS? HAVE SOME PRIDE AT LEAST! THIS WAS THE PLACE THEY HAD PLANNED TO KEEP HIS HARLEY?  
For some reason, that was what drove Joker over the edge. Before the vehicle had parked up he kicked open the back door and jumped out, stalking with a shaking, trembling frame - trailing the group that anyone less intelligent and enraged than The Joker wouldn't have been able to see in the darkness. He kicked open the warehouse door, too - far too angry to do something as menial as use DOORS. Those in the warehouse clearly hadn't been expecting him to turn up so soon. They were still TRANSPORTING HARLEY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!  
DIDN'T THEY KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY KIDNAP SOMEONE? HIS GIRLFRIEND HAD BEEN ABDUCTED AND MANHANDLED BY A BUNCH OF AMATEURS!  
The Joker trembled with the dark FURY that surrounded him. The henchmen appeared to surround him in their default defensive formation - and one of THE BLESSED GOONS HAD EVEN BROUGHT THE ICE CREAM CONE ROCKET LAUNCHER FROM ATOP THE VAN.  
My, my, my~ He'd brainwashed these men WELL.  
Joker's savage grin returned at the shock and fear on the opposition's faces. He sunk into a deep, mocking, grandiose bow - that haunting grin never leaving his face,  
"Did no-one ever teach you not to take what is not rightfully yours, gentlemen?" He asked, sounding even more insane than he looked. J was CLEARLY disturbed. There was none of the glamour and the charisma now. It was pure evil and unguarded darkness. They were all quaking in their boots - about ready to piss themselves. He could tell. What. A. Hoot.  
Naturally Harley had been struggling against them. They had her handcuffed now with tape over her mouth because she tried to bite one of the men who grabbed her, and she had successfully broken ones nose, and the other was bleeding from the lip. The ones who weren't bloodied, were holding her tightly in their hands, and Harley could feel the bruises coming. She was trying to flip and kick them off her, but they were holding her legs, holding her. Though, it wasn't long before the doors had been kicked in, and Harleys head whipped up to see her Joker. Her mistah J!! Dressed in that purple trench coat- and no shirt! She loved the sight, he had come to save her, and from the looks of it, he'd come in the icecream van.. She wriggled excitedly, her muffled little attempts at calling out for him in some form of praise on his entrance echoing about. The guys seemed shocked that he'd gotten there, and the bleeding ones were already starting to retreat. "Sorry, Joker, but we can't hand back this little girl until we get what we need." He said simply. Harley wanted to punch him for calling her a little girl. The only one allowed to remotely come close to that was Joker. Only him. Plus their hands were in places she didn't want them to be; she was fairly certain one guy was holding her ass too. She wriggled and jerked in their hands, kicking her legs as they had been holding her off the ground. "We'd like some cash for your little lady." The man told Joker, raising his eyebrows, while the other men holding Harley seemed to be struggling to keep her in place. In fact, they'd actually dropped her. Her wriggling had made them drop her. She landed with a thud, face first. Her head bouncing against the cement flooring, causing her to let out a muffled groan. She'd been about to try to push herself up when one of the men grabbed her pretty little pig tails in his hands, and yanked her head back, revealing the anger that laid hidden in her eyes, and the bloody nose she'd given herself from her wiggling to be free. She stared at her joker, hoping he'd free her and leave those men to her. No body was allowed to touch her hair. No one except for HER PUDDIN. No one else had the right to DO IT. The man had leaned down, and if harley didn't have that tape on her mouth.. The things she'd be saying to him. Her hands ripped at the cuffs, wanting to just hit this guy already, He'd been about to speak; about to kiss her ear, obviously the one who was more stupid then the others trying to stay silent, and thats when she took the opportunity to bash her head back, smashing it back into his. This was probably her signal for Joker to get her out of those cuffs as soon as possible.  
Joker's eyes twitched. The fear that resonated in the eyes of the man who had been moronic enough to request MONEY in exchange for his Harley as if she were some ITEM to be bargaining over. No. And then she- And then they-  
His mind, as damaged and messed up as it was - simply could not comprehend what had just happened to Harley.  
SHE WAS BLEEDING. HARLEY. WAS. BLEEDING.  
RATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATSRATS.  
He was in a room FULL OF RATS!  
HarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarley.  
J clutched at his head. This was messing with him. He needed to focus. Or, rather, actually- maybe it was better if he DIDN'T. Yeah, that was RIGHT! CHAOS UPON ALL OF THEM. J held his hand out towards the henchman who was holding the ice cream cone rocket launcher, and accepted the weight of it when it was handed to him as if it were nothing at all. He raised it to aim but then paused and handed it off to the henchman again. He held his arms out and waited for one of the others to take his expensive coat off for him. Now he was BACK TO BASICS! That chilling grin ran through his features again, and as he accepted the ice cream cone he noted some of the members of the opposition taking a few steps back. Joker raised the ice cream cone rocket launcher at them,  
"HarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarley," he growled, licking at his red, red lips and frowning as he concentrated on the aim. He didn't need it to be exact because of the impressive blast radius but HarleyHarleyHarleyHarley was there...  
J didn't used to care about whether Harley was hurt by any of his jokes or pranks or schemes but now...   
She was priority numero 1 today. J cleared his throat and slowly altered his gaze from the man he was preparing to blow up to Harley. He snarled. She. Was. Still. Bleeding. Others were not ALLOWED to make her bleed. Others were not ALLOWED to touch her or PULL ON HER HAIR or make her CRY. Joker's resolve was set in stone then, and he hoisted the ice cream cone up onto his shoulder,  
"They always want MONEY... why do they ALWAYS want money?" He spoke aloud, "I get the material desire and the, the, the- the NEED to be greedy, but to come face-to-face with someone like ME and DEMAND money? What's with all the suicidal people these days?" Joker SNARLED that. It was oh, so satisfying to see the man's adam's apple bobbing as he gulped, "And... to... have.... the.... preposterous.... IDEA.... that.... taking.... my....... HARLEY..... will.... Better. Your. Chances! HAH! Nah, buddy. You're worse OFF now...." Joker's grin returned and he closed on eye, finger flexing on the trigger, "For any of you still TOUCHING what is MINE - I will spend eight weeks torturing EACH of you - starting with the blessed removals of your filthy HANDS!" Joker roared, not at all able to focus with what was going on in his peripherals. As soon as the RATS all jumped away from his Harley he stretched and cracked his neck, gritting his teeth, and JUST as the man (the HEAD HONCHO) had opened his mouth to plead, or whatever - J simply blew him up. It was rather impressive, the outcome. J'd aimed it perfectly so that he went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over the walls. But only the walls to the right of him, just so that his Harley and the men handling her wouldn't be covered in the itty bitty BITS! After all, he'd be handling all of them at some point, right?  
HhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHhahahahahahahhHhHAhahhhhahahahahahhahahahahahahaha  
Now.... for.... HARLEY. J strolled towards her, his henchmen darting out from behind him to run over and capture the remaining opposition before they escaped. Joker came to the middle of the room and simply stood there and opened his arms, tattoos and chest on full display, and grinned at her as she ran to him. He helped her out of her bindings (not all that carefully - but he wasn't in the most stable state) and held her to him, stroking her hair and fixing her pigtails. And thus, she was HIS again.  
Harley watched the scene unfold, before she could go straight into her Jokers arms. He'd taken off her bindings- which was such a relief for her, and now she was able to hold onto her Joker. She clutched to him, nuzzling her nose into his chest like she usually would, but instantly cringed at the pain that radiated from it,she'd also gotten blood on him in the action. She leaned herself back, hand raising to brush against her nose in an attempt to wipe away the blood, but it just smeared across her face. Her nose was stinging, she hoped she hadn't broken it, though she guessed if she had that it would hurt a lot more than it was. "I got.. Kidnapped.. By a bunch of Armatures." She breathed out slowly. She was mad. She was :: p i s s e d :: and it was obvious in the way her eyes were settled with a darkness hanging over them. She was glad to be back in the arms of her J, but... She was still :: m a d ::. Her head turned in an eerily slow manner, looking to the henchmen who were dragging the men who taken her back. Her tongue darted out over her swollen bottom lip, before her eyes darted back to her Joker. "I want to be the one to finish them off when you're done playing with them, Puddin." She told him simply. It wasn't left open for him to accept or deny. It was fact. If there was one thing Harley couldn't stand, it was bleeding. "They :: d r o p p e d :: me." She stated, and whirled around on her heel. Moving closer to the men who had been holding her, she was swift about her movements, taking turns kicking each one of them in either the stomach, or the nuts. The Henchmen being polite enough to hold them in place so she could do it until she was satisfied. Then, she spun back to face her puddin, moving back to him and kissing his cheek. "Sorry for bein such a BORE about my stuffies, puddin. You know I can't stay MAD at you." She hummed, her arms wrapping around his neck, letting their bodies press tightly together, reveling in the closeness.  
J smirked down at her, remaining silent while she raged on and on about being kidnapped. He frowned, pouting slightly. It had been HIS fault. He hadn't done anything about the strange behaviour from the henchmen that day. He had practically ALLOWED Harley to be kidnapped. Perhaps the darkest (and ALL of Joker was pretty dark) was simply craving the chaos it would bring. He whipped his head from side to side, forgetting that train of thought. He was the Joker. He didn't make MISTAKES. The kid was fine. SHE was currently kicking and yanking at the RATS. Joker snickered. My, my, my... someone certainly knew how to turn their boyfriend on....  
Joker simply stood there and watched her, watching the RATS and their reactions to her prodding and abuse. Their reactions, after all, would determine how bad their punishment would be. THAT one had tried to spit at her. OFF GOES HIS TONGUE. Now he had 64 whole weeks ahead of him torturing each individual. He had, in fact, promised each of them 8 weeks individually, hadn't he?  
J didn't break his promises.  
Harley skipped back to him then and he curled himself over her and around her. He pulled on her pigtail and slipped his arms around her in the most possessive, all encompassing fashion he could manage. One hand rested on her butt while the other held her to him around the waist. He patted at her bum after a bit, a signal for her to jump up and curl her legs around his waist. He carried her out, having instructed the henchmen to follow them home with their prisoners in the van full of stuffed animals.  
"And if any of them BLEED on the plushies, tell me and I'll add another 8 weeks to their individual punishments!" He'd called out gleefully, and then took Harley home in her beloved ice cream van.  
Harley had done as the signal asked, jumping up and hooking her legs around his waist. She held onto him, still looking at the men as he carried her out due to her positioning. She used one hand to hold his neck, the other arm extending and making a gun out of her fingers, closing one eye to aim, and pretending to shoot at them with her finger gun. Then, that arm joined the other with holding onto him, nuzzling herself into his neck, her lips pressing little kisses along his exposed neck, then up along his jaw slowly, she'd missed him, what else was expected!? The two weren't normally apart. Not in these situations, they didn't happen, and while it was shorter than their partings when Joker would go out to do things for her (like rob a toy store) that was entirely different. She missed him then too, but not quite as bad as when they were forcefully taken apart. She couldn't stand that.  
"I missed 'ya puddin," She told him, continuing to pepper him with little kisses. "I wanna watch you torture em.." She whispered softly into his ear, before lightly biting at it. She was just allowing herself to express the affection she had for him, which built up over you know, ignoring him for awhile because she was mad and then getting kidnapped and seeing him rescue her like that! Oh boy! That was so- fantastic! It was violent and amazing, and definitely quite the rescue mission! A grin settled on her lips as they arrived to the van, giving him a smooch straight on the lips. "I love y'a choice in vehicle, Mistah J." She cooed.  
Joker sat them both down in the driver's seat - letting her sit on his lap. Yes, he did intend to drive like that. He didn't plan to separate from her for the rest of the week, in fact.   
"Knew you would, peaches," he murmured into the nape of her neck where he'd immediately started to nibble and peck at. The sound of the van roaring off towards 'The Funhouse' elicited a grin from The Joker. He'd ordered them to do that. He needed some time to properly reunite with his 'little lady' as the man who was now all over the walls of the warehouse had called her. J bit at her neck, and then drew back as a thought came to him,  
"You should get a tattoo of a hickie I give you, sweetheart," he whispered to her, as if he were telling her what he surprise birthday presents would be. Joker laid back against the seat and examined her for a little bit - he'd already cleaned up her nose and now was time to examine it. He angled her face about and prodded the nose. It wasn't broken - she'd just had a nose bleed. J licked some dried blood from her top lip and then beckoned her closer to him with a finger. Fuck intimacy issues. He needed to REUNITE with his Harley. Joker placed his hands on her hips and then drew them up, marvelling at how tiny her waist was. He secured the hem of her tiny shirt between his fingertips and drew the shirt over her head. It was pretty clear by now what his intentions were.   
Now here was the interesting thing - Joker may have been the most insane man and the deadliest criminal in all of Gotham, but he would never FORCE sex on anyone. There was no fun in that. There was no room for connection or shared exploration in that. Didn't it say a lot about rapists that they were WORSE than The Joker himself in that aspect?  
Harley was marveling in the attention. Maybe she should get kidnapped more often-.. Probably not the best idea or way to earn all the affection and attention. But she supposed that it was a perk of being kidnapped. He would be all over her for the next week, and she loved it. She was a bundle of little giggles and a big smile was on her lips from his attention to her neck. "A tattoo of a hickie?" She hummed, almost thoughtfully. "Only if you give me the tattoo too." She hummed, allowing him to move her body in any way he wanted, simply following what his hands were doing. She locked her eyes on his face, her arms raising a little to help the shirt slide off her body. It left her then in her shorts and bra; the garmet a nice purple, probably one of her favorites.   
She was happy to be reuniting with him like this, which is why she didn't complain when he moved her, Harley wasn't one to keep quiet about what she wanted and did not want. That was one thing she always made clear. Her hands reached out for him, going up his arms and then down his chest, fingers tracing the smile that was on his belly as she leaned forward to begin biting and kissing at his neck again. Now that she had the chance to be back with him and enjoy the moment, she was going to take it. Of course, it wasn't the most comfortable spot to be; front seat of an ice cream van, but that didn't matter right now. Nothing mattered right now except for them, them sat in that moment, just appreciating the fact that they have each other.  
The empty car park around them ceased to exist, much like anything else did for The Joker. Everything except for Harley. She was hard to miss, hard to forget, anyhow. He'd made her like that on purpose. Helped design the way she would like when spending her time with him like that on purpose. So that she wouldn't shift or budge in his mind. If anything blended into the background and didn't stand out, Joker would just forget about it. He didn't care about it. This was why Batman was so... interesting to him. This was why he was 'OBSESSED' with Bats. He forced Joker to remember him. He punched him and beat him and locked him up time and time again. He took part in the games J started with him. Good ol' BATS. They'd been GOOD AS GOLD on Bats' birthday. J had lined them all up outside the drug store Batman had been raiding Downtown - all chained up together and ready to go to the Asylum. Bats had said something like, "today isn't my birthday, Joker" - just like he did every single year, and J had said, "don't be stupid, Bats! my calendar says it is!" - and then they'd got taken to Arkham Asylum. They'd escaped the next day, of course, but they'd been GOOD for Batsy's birthday. Good times, the best of times....  
Speaking of which, J was glad he'd taken his big purple leather coat in the warehouse (even though it matched Harley's dainty underwear) because now there was SO MUCH LESS WORK. He rolled his hips up to meet her, giddy for the friction. It was one of those rare occasions where he was entirely focused on the intimacy, and YES he HAD just been thinking about Batman, but TO BE FAIR - he was FOCUSED apart from that. He tugged on Harley's pigtail pretty harshly with a savage little chuckle. He was hard already.  
Harley's head jerked to the side at the harsh tug of her pigtail, a small whine leaving her, but it wasn't at all bad. High pitched and needy. Almost like she'd been asking for more. She always loved when he pulled on her hair and used those pigtails of hers. Her hips rolled back down into his, also looking for some sort of friction, growing uncomfortable from the wet panties she was now just sitting in. It sucked! She wanted them off.. But then again she wanted everything off, not just from her but also on him! She wanted them both to be blissfully naked already. Her fingers tangled in his hair on one hand, the other ghosting back down to fiddle with the button of his jeans, then she sat back a little and gazed up at him, biting her lip slightly. "I want out of these shorts, Puddin." She told him simply, her hips moving in another swift movement to grind down against him again.  
Joker always liked to be the one to undress her. She believed, if she remembered correctly, that one time he mentioned that it was because she was HIS- almost like a PRESENT some times. And what fun would it be, if the present, unwrapped ITSELF? No fun at all! She supposed thats why she enjoyed undressing him so much too- besides he was a little distracted most times when they were undressing and would be too focused on other things to worry about getting out of his own clothes. not that she minded, she loved undressing him. Her body shifted slightly, hips sitting then so that she was sat directly on the bulge in his pants.  
Joker actually GROWLED, nipping at her like a dog. Oh, he hoped she wasn't TEASING... that would only get her severely punished. Joker cocked his head at her, frowning with his lips all pursed and angsty. His present was practically DEMANDING to be unwrapped. Never taking his eyes away from hers, he undid her little hotpants with one hand and kept his other hand on her pigtail. It was the pigtail the RAT had tugged on. Joker's lips curled back from his teeth in an angry grimace and he tugged on it again - much lighter this time. It was almost affectionate. As affectionate as he could manage. He was wearing the tracksuit bottoms he'd been wearing the day he'd tortured Harley (when she was still Harleen). Harley hadn't let him through them away, claiming they were "just fulla memories".   
"Harley-mine..." Joker growled, "take the rest of it off. Now." He was too angry to undress her. He'd hurt her if he tried. J's hands were shaking. They'd tried to take his Harley. The ONLY person who actually cared about him. The only person HE cared FOR. They were holding her ransom, as if she were some OBJECT to hold over his head. They had been TOUCHING her and PULLING ON HER HAIR and... and...  
He knew what else they would have down. The thought made him hiss, made him curl around her protectively, even while she was trying to take their clothes off. J was shaking. Something wet trailed down his cheek and he frowned. He was shaking. Why was he shaking? Was Harley shaking?  
J held her back a little to look at her. No, Harley was about as fine as she could be...  
So what-  
Was he CRYING?  
"H-Harley?" J was bewildered. Why was he crying and shaking. What kind of a joke was this? This wasn't funny! How did he make it stop?!  
Harley had stayed still for him to undo her shorts, adn then, began to take off her clothes as he had ordered her to do so. She looked up from their laps; as she had been trying to get the shorts and panties off as quick as she could, when he spoke. She'd noticed his shaking, but Joker always shook when he was mad. She studied him for a moment, noticing that he was crying. Her face softened and she instantly moved herself further into his lap, her hands raising to hold his face, leaning to begin pressing little kisses where the tear had fallen, pressing little kisses there and rubbing his arms to try to soothe him. He didn't even seem to know what was actually completely going on, but he was crying and Harley couldn't stand seeing him sad. He was the Joker for gods sake! He couldn't be sad! Harley didn't like it. "Everythings okay," She said after a moment to him, her hands rubbing his jaw gently. "I'm right here, and I'm allllways gonna be, right here." She murmured, pressing a little kiss to his nose. "Those men are gonna suffer too, Puddin.." She whispered to him, kisisng at his neck. "they arent woooorth these things, puddin. Not at allll." She told him as she rubbed at his arms and moved to kiss his lips after.   
She smiled at him, her eyes soft as she gazed up at him. "We wouldn't wanna waaaste away the day focusing on theeem right?" She hugged his neck after and moved to rest her cheek against his, a sigh leaving her as she pressed up to him, just wanting him to calm down.  
J sat motionless beneath her all the while, just blinking with that same confused and bewildered look on his face. He didn't really remember his life before he'd fallen in the vat of chemicals, but he was sure he'd cried back then. He always prided himself on the fact that he had only ever cried twice in his LIFE. THIS LIFE. HIS REAL LIFE. He'd. Only. Ever. Cried. Twice. So why was he 'crying' now? Harley's reaction to it had confirmed it. Dazedly, he placed a hand on her back, petting her like she was a cat. So...  
The two (now three) times he'd ever cried, Harley had been there to comfort him. She was the reason he knew what comfort WAS.  
He needed to be inside her. Like the good little girl she was, she'd stripped both of them, so it was only a matter of lifting her up a little and lowering her down onto him. God, it felt like nothing else. The only thing that beat this was killing.  
Maybe being punched by Batman...  
Hmm. He had a plan.  
They'd need Ivy and Croc and possibly Scarecrow and Penguin and...  
She was so tight it was like fucking a straight jacket.  
His attention switched and shifted just like that.  
Plan.  
Harley.  
PLAN.  
H A R L E Y.  
Pl-   
Harley.  
Harley.  
Harley.  
Obsession.  
Harley had watched him for a moment and peppered kisses over his cheeks, his neck. But.. Then.. She shivered. She allowed hereslf to sink down on him, biting her lips a small moan leaving her as she sunk down completely. Her hands held his shoulders, thighs quivering as she moved her hips for him, bouncing her hips a bit slow at first, knowing that it would be the best idea to start that way, working her way up to her faster bounces. Her eyes stayed on his face, after all it was always key for their sessions that there were complete eye contact. She squeezed his arms again, whining out loudly at the pleasure that the movements gave her. It was beyond unreal, and Harley knew that she was suppose to cherish this moment of being in control, after all, Joker never, :: n e v e r :: let her be in control. It was only once every blue moon! It was because of course, he didn't ever like to admit that he liked this little bit of not being in control. She closed her eyes though, her head falling back. She carefully sat herself so that he was as deep inside her as he possibly could be, carefully rocking her hips, rocking a bit harder than she had been. Her hands trailed down over his chest until they rested on his stomach between then, lips parted, loud moans fluttering from her lips.  
Joker shuddered, closing his eyes and letting his head drop back to hit the seat. It was IMPOSSIBLE to focus on anything else when she was in such close quarters like this. His obsession with her, as warped and exaggerated as it was... only grew stronger with every passing second he spent with her. A self satisfactory groan left him and he ventured forwards to attack her neck. Oh, how GOOD he was with her neck! Hickie after hickie was left at devilish levels of speed and efficiency. Joker let his hands leave her momentarily only so that he could plant his hands on the seat either side of him. Ahhh, yeeeeeees.  
The right tactic.  
With the extra push behind the motion, he managed to thrust himself up into her with a great SURGE. Her head even bumped the ceiling! This van was surprisingly resourceful. J kicked at the button he knew would get the signature ice cream music to sound. The very creepy and distorted CUSTOM version he and Harley had made themselves. THERE IT WAS. Harley's giggles drove him further into his lust, the amazing soundtrack to their lovemaking caused them both to laugh, which caused INTERESTING things down THERE. Joker shivered, the pleasure was so AMPLIFIED to him. They spent hours and hours in that carpark just... REUNITING. J still refused to let her be dominant for very long, so he did most of the fucking, but pah-LENTY of fucking there was. DAWN was actually breaking by the time they were done. If they were any longer, they'd be caught by workers arri-  
A knock at the window.   
Joker grabbed the gun off the dashboard and shot the guy in the head without hesitation.  
Harley pushed herself into him a little, of course, now that they were both done, they were both still lingering in the afterglow; Harley still completely naked and sat upon his lap. So, of course, she had instantly curled her small body up in his chest when the knock came, followed by a shot. The guy got killed; effortlessly. Well, he probably shouldn't have knocked on the window, now shouldn't he! She relaxed, and nuzzled her nose into his neck for a moment. "Mmh.. I'm glad to be baaaaack." She stated, and it was true. She was beyond happy. She had only been gone a max of an hour! If that. But she had MISSED her Joker! She pressed a kiss to his lips and then she moved off his lap and began to promply redress herself before someone else came along and it became a biiig bad situation. Joker hated people seeing her naked. Dead or not it would put him in a mood. She didn't want that.  
So she got dressed, fixed her pig tails, and plopped into the seat next to him, pulling the mirror so she could examine her neck, coated in hickies. "Which one d'ya wanna tattoo on me?" She asked him simply, reaching up to brush her fingers along the many marks. She would never make an effort to cover them- she loved to show off the love marks that he gave her.  
Joker hummed as he ran his fingers tiredly along her neck. So many to choooooose from!  
"The first one I see when I wake up," he told her in a husky murmur and then snapped his teeth at her in a playful manner. Her giggles were enough to bring him back into a good enough state of consciousness (he considered) to drive.  
"Well, Harley-baby. Home time!" He called out and (somehow - pretty miraculously) he got them home.  
Joker landed face down on their bed, completely exhausted. He'd walked into the apartment naked, too. Not that he needed to be TIRED to do something like that. It was exactly the kind of thing he was absolutely SHAMELESS enoigh to do!   
He grunted as Harley landed on his back.  
"Massage...... please..... kitten....." he murmured (or rather HOPED he murmured) into the sheets.  
Harley smiled at that, tossed her shirt off and then her shorts, sat on his hips in her panties so that when she finished massaging him, there'd be less things to take off for when she went to bed. She placed her hands on his shoulders, starting there first considering thats where a lot of his tension was held. She moved her hands in a slightly rough motion to get the knots out, rubbing his shoulders, massaging them nice and slow. Then, she carefully began working her way down his back, her eyes resting on her love. "Is this good, Mistah J?" She asked him him gently, continuing to massage his back in slow movements so that he would feel every ounce of the relaxation that she was attempting to provide him with. He always enjoyed massages after long days, and she guessed after he had been well.. sat up like that, fucking her, that well... His back was PROBABLY pretty sore.  
Joker GROANED luxuriously into their covers. What even was ON their covers? Lollipops? Was that seriously what they'd gone with? Oh, that was right... it went in rotation. Sheets of Harley's choosing and then sheets of Joker's choosing and on and on and on...  
It was Harley's turn. They were cute lollipops. The red ones even looked like blood!  
Had he mentioned he liked Harley?  
"Mmmm..." was all he could give her as a response. He was falling asleep right there. His shoulder was still sore from where he'd been holding up the rocket launcher last night. Joker reached back to let his fingers carress briefly at her knee before just letting his arm drop back down onto the bed. It even bounced a little - which indicated how ludicrously expensive their mattress was. Eh, he could afford to fall asleep, he reckoned...  
He had Harley-girl to tuck him in.   
Harley had hummed a little, and let him fall asleep, her head cocked to the side as she continued to massage him until he managed to fall asleep, after she slipped off him, shifted him carefully to tuck him in, and undressed herself, then climbed in with him, knowing that Joker liked skin to skin contact while he slept, which meant that they slept naked, all the time. It was very rare for Harley to wear any clothes to bed, and when she did it was usually taken off before they fell asleep, because J just needed the comfort of skin to skin for him to actually, properly sleep. And she respected that, and so thats why she helped him. Thats why she always did it, because she loved him.  
Plus it helped that it was pretty, pretty damn comfortable to be naked with him and she always found that she slept better when he was there with their skin to skin contact too.  
Joker stirred occasionally in his sleep. Rifts and slivers from his past came to him from his subconscious to disturb him as he slept. All the murder, all the... crime and the psychological warfare got to the sane man who was buried deep, deep down inside him - at the very core of him. That man was all but gone, but he was still there.... hidden away. J cried out, an agonised kind of a yell. He didn't want to accept this. He couldn't accept the things that came to him and visited him in the night. He KNEW that he was not a well man, not a SANE man - but he had never accepted that he was HUMAN. He just wasn't. J stood for JOKER. The man who jokes is not a man who CARES or FEELS. He lived to cause enough chaos to disrupt society, to SHOW the civilised people what a JOKE they were all living. They were blind to it and none of it was even REAL. Few actually saw that, and the ones who did... they were cast out, labelled criminals, HUNTED by the pesky law and by old Batsy. In his own way, even BATMAN got it. He had heard the punchline somewhere along the way. Harley and The Joker himself...  
They knew it best of all. Joker stirred further, and actually, for the first time, let out a SCREAM. His insides were BOILING.  
Harley startled with a jolt at the scream, instantly sitting up and looking to her lover, quickly moving to nudge him a little until he would wake up. "Mistah J?" She questioned before she shook him a little bit harder. "Joooker." She only ever called him the Joker if she was well.. worried or mad. And now, she was worried. She didn't want him to be in pain or suffering. She shook at him again, panic starting to burst over her until he actually woke up. She wanted him to be okay. She wanted him to awke up. She guessed after he woke up she'd probably get him some candy and that should, hopefully, help him calm down from whatever SHITFEST had just gone on inside his mind. She knew he struggled some times with the things he did. Tehre was a sane man somewhere in there, just like there was a sane woman somewhere in her. After all, Harley was kind of schizophrenic. Harleen was still a voice inside her mind, not a prominante or dominate, one, but still one, none the less.. It sucked sometimes, because Harleen knew things that Harley refused to accept, but sometimes she was.. Useful.  
Joker reached out for her while he was still sleeping, but it wasn't that he was fast asleep now, it was more like he was... trying to wake up. He was on his way out of the horror, and the first thing he longed for and needed and clung to was HARLEY.   
"HarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarleyHarley-" he gasped again and again until he was holding her and his eyes were awake and he knew he was himself and in their bed and that he was covered in the tattoos that commemorated the life he had built for himself. Still shaking, he clung to Harley (perhaps a little too tightly) and rocked back onto the bed, hiding his face away in her neck. He was sweating like the MAD man he was, and the shadows of the dreams were still lingering in his mind a little. He needed to get it out. He needed something to-  
J already had the best distraction right there in front of him.   
H a r l e y.  
"Harley," he gasped again and then secured his hands either side of her face and brought himself away from her enough so that he could stare into her eyes and focus on HER and take solace in her. The things he dreamed of weren't real. They were just imagination.  
The things he chanted to himself inside his mind were never true.  
Harley calmed down when he was awake, holding her and she allowed herself to calm down even further then. She let him focus on her, her hands raising to gently rest over his, her hands rubbing gently at his wrists and down his arms, holding his forearms in her arms. "T'was just a dream, Puddin." She told him, looking up into his eyes to try to help soothe him. She knew that his nightmares happened. She knew that a lot of the time, she managed to soothe him down. It was nice, that he saw her as an anchor of some sorts, and that she could calm him, she reveled in that. Her fingers danced against his skin and she gave him a small little smile in an attempt to help calm him further.  
"You're right here with me, and things are fine, and your dream was just that." She assured him and leaned forward enoughn to give him a kiss before she leaned back to sit the same amount of distance away from him, so that he could continue gazing into her eyes so that he would continue to come down from the little episode he seemed to have had. Her fingers caressed and rubbed at his skin in a comforting manner, her body shifting close to him.  
Joker pushed himself forwards so that he could rest his forehead against hers, but he was still unstable and so he accidentally very lightly headbutted her. He was in no state to notice and probably wouldn't have anyway because violence just didn't register with him as impactive or shocking. J tilted his face towards her so he could kiss her (he rarely initiated it so this was a surprise even to him) and very slowly, but somewhat forcefully, got them both to lay down again. He pressed a lengthy kiss to Harley's forehead and held her head to his chest, hands still planted either side of her face,  
"M'not.... supposed... to feel....." he murmured something like that, anyway, he was never quite sure WHAT exactly had ever come out of his mouth. With a lengthy, anguished sigh, Joker frowned too hard when he tried to fall asleep again and found he was too wound up to do so so quickly.  
Harley frowned as she hugged into him, kissing at his chest and peppering little kisses to him. "You know, maybe we need to have a SNACK before we go back to sleep." She suggested to him. "We still got pizza in the oven from earlier if you'd LIKE to eat that. Maybe a couple drinks would make it easier for you to get some sleep?" He usually slept the hardest after a couple drinks. She relaxed and pet his arm, his back, wanting to help soothe him into a state where he could sleep nice and soundly. Of course that was harder done than said, and it would probably take a good hour before he could close his eyes and not think about what he was feeling, but.. She'd stay up all night with him if sh e had to. "We could watch a mooovie! People always fall asleep during movies." She reasoned.  
A smile came to her lips as she tilted her head up and looked up at him. He was such a gorgeous man, and he was such a little shit sometimes, and there were times where she wanted to hate him, she wanted to hate him :: SO BAD :: but she physically could not bring herself to do it. She'd love him til the end of time.  
Joker pinched at the bridge of his nose and nodded until she made noise to let him know she'd seen it,  
"A reeeeaaaaally boring one, Harls. Like, The Notebook or literally ANY film that doesn't involve violence in it at all, 'kay?" He murmured to her, managing to sound an awful lot like a child who was ill and using it to get whatever he wanted from his mother.  
He was too good at that. Whenever he did it Harley would do quite literally anything he wanted.  
Mind you... she was like that all the time-  
Joker hummed at that. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the voice-  
But still- he had Harley wrapped around his finger and it was pure bliss from time to time. Had he mentioned that he liked Harley?  
Harley, Harley, Haaaaarley, Harley-Harley, Harley, HarLEY, HARLEY, H a r l e y, Harley.  
His Harley.  
"Haaaaaarley? Baaaaaaaaby? Can we possibly have some ice cream, too?" He whined out to her, knowing she had a distinct weakness for the stuff, and even in his sleepy, anguished state, managed an evil little grin when she succumbed to his woes.  
"We can have allllllllll the ice cream you want, puddin." Harley agreed, nodding her head. She carefully slipped from beneath him and stood up, running a hand through her hair and moving over to get a shirt from his wardrobe, a nice button up that she liked to steal on him :: a l l :: the time. She put it on along with some panties, because she didn't know if there were still henchmen lingering around. Joker had high security since the whole kidnapping situation. And if one of them had seen her naked, they wouldn't see anything else. She turned to look at him, tossing him a pair of his boxers with a smile. "Cmon, lets go get some iiice cream. And then we'll find a real boooorin movie to watch until you fall asleep. Maybe we could watch one of those dull DISNEY movies. Or that cheesy IF I STAY movie. Theres nothing interesting in any of THOSE and you should be bored to sleep within moments! Of course you'll have to finish your ice cream first."  
She was sooo wrapped around his finger it was unreal. He could oh so easily make her to absolutely anything he wanted or needed. All he needed to do was :: a s k :: and she'd do it. In a heart beat. In HALF a heart beat! She was a real sport when it came to that, but it usually resulted in some very very INTERSTING things.  
The boxers landed on his face. When he finally dredged up the will to remove them and look at them, he snorted at them. They were his Batman custom boxers. Purple and Yellow with loads of little bat symbols all over. A monumental tribute to ol' Bats. Oh, how he adored those boxers. Right, better do as the missus says...  
What DID the missus say?   
Something about staying and boredom. Hmm. She clearly had no clue what she was doing. What an amateur!  
Joker got up and wriggled into his boxers. He prided himself at the sight of them in the mirror, and stumbled off in search of his Harley. Where had she got to?  
The kitchen?  
She had been talking about ice cream...  
Ah, there she was. Like an annoying, criminally insane sloth, Joker drooped himself annoyingly over her back, arms dangling over her shoulders, face crushed at the back of her neck.  
Harley bent slightly at the sudden weight on her back, and almost instinctively went to bend over completely, his weight there just- she shook the thought and straightened slightly again. "I thought I said to stay up staaairs." She hummed as she moved to continue dishing out their icecream. It was vanilla, the only flavor left at the store, she got mad at one of the henchmen when he brought it home. Kicked him pretty hard in the shin. But he'd brought chocolate sauce and sprinkles so she wasn't TOO mad. She was humming a little as she put it out in bowls, and then proceeded to get the chocolate sauce and SMOTHER THE ICE CREAM IN IT. Then sprinkled over the sprinkles and smiled as she had to wlak about the kitchen with Joker basically laying on her back, getting spoons for the both of them before she had turned a little and raised her eyebrow at him, pressing a little kiss against his lips. "Back upstairs, Mistah J."Joker gestured for her to go right ahead,  
"Carry me up there, doll," he joked, but pretended to be deadly serious for a minute or two before, finally, he scooped her up like SHE was the ice cream.  
(such wonderful imagery there, isn't there? - he thought this to himself, of course, no-one else was allowed to picture that)  
Once back in bed, he slumped into the pillows and let Harley run around to set everything up. The girl had even lit CANDLES on her side of the room (talk about NO TRUST when it came to flames, hmm?) and pressed play for the GOD AWFUL movie. Very slowly, and very shamelessly, Joker made his way over to her side of the bed to sprawl all over her. He hadn't been kidding when he'd said IN HIS HEAD that he wouldn't be letting go of her all week. He was at his clinging stage. Harley helped him sleep. In fact, he couldn't actually sleep at all unless he felt her lying there next to him, which was why they always woke up at the same time.  
Harley had hummed And welcomed him ontop of her, while he was a lot heavier than he looked or thought, Harley didn't mind at all. She was rather use to it, actually. So she let him lay across her while she ate her ice cream. She had it done in NO time and had set it aside to begin playing with his hair. She tilted her head to look down at him, watching him curiously. She knew that he needed her there to sleep. If she couldn't sleep, he couldn't, and vice versa. It was kind of cute actually. They were a package after all, and they always ran on the same amount of sleep. Granted, Harley usually waited to make sure he was asleep before she'd fall asleep, so it put her a couple minutes behind, but it was still basically the same.  
How she loved her joker. What an amazing man he was! She smiled and moved to press a kiss to his head. "This movie boring enough, puddin?" She asked, knowing that if it was SO boring he'd fall asleep in NO TIME! An that's what both of them wanted, was him to fall asleep.  
Joker grunted,   
"There's a car crash. That's no fair. People are dying. That's not boring at all! I LIKE it when people die!" He whined exasperatedly. Had she done this as some part of a twisted plan to keep him awake with her? What romance! All that trickery just for his attention? Had he mentioned that he liked Harley?  
"Harley-cakes," he spoke into the duvet on her lap, making it come out all muffled, "This movie's too exciting, kid."  
J wriggled around a little more, trying to get comfortable. There wasn't enough CONTACT. He needed the-  
He needed-  
J snarled at nothing in particular like a wild, caged animal and jumped up, tore the covers back off Harley and settled himself down on top of her like a body length body warmer, his head nestled at her chest. Better. That was-  
Ah. Better.  
He'd completely abandoned his ice cream by now.  
Harley let out a little squeak when he'd taken it on himself to remove her blankets and lay on her. She patted his back, playing with his hair with a little giggle. "Are you more comfortable now, puddin?" She asked him quietly, gently. She knew that things were always strange wen it came to JOKER, after all, that's who he was. But, she could deal with it, ykno? She could HANDLE it. Harley was built for it. She had looked to his ice cream, untouched and melting. Whatta waste! "Puddin.." She started, cooing down at him. "Can I eat your ice cream too? It's gonna meeeellllt:" and he knew how badly she love absolutely anything sweet. Her sweet tooth was every tooth in her mouth for gods sake!  
Joker merely smirked and waved his hand aimlessly in her direction,  
"Take it all, you leech," he mocked. He was too tired for real scolding, so light insults would have to suffice. J allowed her to rest the bowl on top of his head, however. He was half asleep! He didn't have time to trifle with such things. It was important that J got his beauty sleep! Who cares if he did it with a bowl of ice cream resting on top of his head?! He'd dealt with things far more into the realm of the bizarre. Besides, it was nice and cold...  
No longer did he have to frown over that headache he'd had building.  
Harley beamed nice and wide at his response, taking it and resting it on his head, began to eat away happily at it. What a good sport he was tonight! She shifted in the slightest to get more comfortable on her pillow and ate the ice cream quickly before it melted further. Then, she set it with her other bowl, and went back to lightly playing with his hair. Twirling it around her fingers and petting it. She was enjoying being able to do basically whatever she wanted with him. He was half asleep, always better half asleep. She moved one hand down to pet his back too, the motion soothing her too. She let her eyes rest on him and then moved to look at the movie. So the girl was a bloody ghost now? If you died did you actually become a ghost? If that was true. There was more than once ghost in that house. Probably thousands!! She shook the thought when it began to disturb her. She refocused on the joker. He was pretty cute hen he was trying to sleep, especially with how he was.. Well.. Sleeping on HER. Some times, she wondered what made him need to do that. What made him require her at such a close proximity before he went to sleep. It was the main reason why she couldn't go anywhere early in the morning- joker would wrap his arms tight around her and keep her stuck to him.  
As if he'd heard her mental ponderings, Joker shifted about and did his best to drag her closer to him, even though he was quite literally draped all over her. It had always been a mystery to him... THAT.  
Why did he NEED her to be in his grasp before he could sleep? Some kind of twisted NEED or an illusion of a need? He knew that if ANYONE would know it would be HARLEY with all her psychology experitse. Why didn't the girl just go ahead and tell him?!  
Because he hadn't ASKED... that was WHY. J didn't want to know. THAT was too much. TooTooTooTooTooTooTooTooTooTooTooToo-  
Too.....Too......Too...... Too much. Toomuch.  
Hazarding a guess would mean to say the elephant in the room which was the size of a...  
... a circus tent...  
... he needed her there... comfort. Comfort.   
Only comfort he had.  
Harley giggled a little at him trying to get closer to her. There wasn't much closer he could get. She wrapped her arms around him, nuzzling her nose into his hair lovingly. "Night, puddin." She cooed to him. She couldn't even figure out what was so important about the fact she needed to be close to him so he could sleep.. Perhaps it was something to do with his secret fear that she would run out on him in the middle of the night. Maybe it was because he needed the comfort Harley always, always supplied. She wasn't sure. She nuzzled his head and rubbed his shoulders from her place beneath him, her own eyes closing as she waited to see if he'd sleep.


	3. Three: The Plan

It'd been the start of their plan, finally beginning! The plan, was to take over Gotham! She couldn't wait to go on with it, but the issue was the people they had to get to come help them.. Well, there was Ivy for one, who Harley would have to... Sweet talk considering Joker had annoyed her with his pranks to the point she couldn't stand him, and then there was CROC.. Croc was the worse, in Harleys mind, considering they had to well.. Climb through a SEWER to get to him. He was a DECENT fella, Harley decided, but there was nooo way she was gonna go into a SEWER for that man. Couldn't he COME OUT? She stood at the entrance to it, her arms crossed and eyes hard as she stared up at Joker, a pout clear on her lips. "I'm noooot doin it." She stated, they'd been stood there for about five minutes with Joker trying to get her to come down- well, he'd gone down first and then tried to coax her to follow him and she repeatedly denied so he came back up to try to talk her into it. "I am NOT walking through a sewer. Not in these BRAND NEW HEELS." She announced, gesturing down to the brand new shoes he'd bought her the other day after she had broke a heel on her favorite pair running from Batsy. After joker irritated him. So naturally it was his duty to buy her more, and she'd worn them that day- solely because she knew they had to go down in a sewer and she did not want to go down in a sewer.  
Joker huffed dramatically, rolling his eyes and throwing his arms out to the side in exasperation,  
"Harley, cupcake, sugar, petal... just come down into the sewer," he pleaded, clasping his hands in front of him. He shook his joined hands at her and tilted his head imploringly, ".... Please? How about a new handbag? A dress? Some bling?" Joker offered, trying to bribe her. Really, his girlfriend was being more troublesome than usual. If she wasn't so annoyingly, mind numbingly GORGEOUS and USEFUL he doubted she would still be around to nag at him in such a way. Joker GROANED and ran an annoyed hand through his hair like a damn CLAW and gritted his teeth, throwing his hands down in fists by his sides. Eventually he snarled and barked at her, turning around and offering his back.  
"Climb on, party pooper."  
Harley stood her ground until he'd offered to give her a piggy back ride. Well, that would make things a lot better. The smell would still kill her but, at least she wouldn't have to walk, or walk through it. She hummed a little and studied him for a moment before she moved to swiftly hop up onto his back, locking her legs around him and holding onto his shoulders, resting her head against his carefully. She scrunched her nose up a little again and relaxed her body carefully. "I can already smell it." She groaned quietly. "I hope you know I'm not going to be going anywhere for at least three days after this. I'm going to take residence up in our bathtub." She stated with a little huff, nuzzling herself away in his neck to attempt to block the smell of the sewer out with how good he smelled. He always smelled nice; thanks to her anyway. She always sprayed him with this real nice cologne because, god knows he'd never remember to do it himself. He'd also forget to bathe if it wasn't for her... How did he LIVE without her? How did he SURIVIVE? He definitely wouldn't survive without her NOW.  
Joker rolled his eyes. What a DRAMA QUEEN.  
"How very selfish of you. How am I supposed to get anything done when you're naked for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT?" He bellowed, partly doing this to garner Croc's attention, and partly to further exaggerate words. He wasn't kidding, either. He needed Harley to be by his side when he worked - usually on his lap or drooped over his shoulders. Her presence grounded him and helped him concentrate on what he was doing. Selfish, selfish kid. Joker had come in his tracksuit bottoms alone. He'd come to learn that Croc responded to him better when he seemed more... respective of his life choices - his lifestyle. J had brought along the severred hands of the men he still had locked up in the Funhouse for kidnapping Harley. Croc ate humans, so...  
It would do as a nice and tiiiiiiiiiday peace offering, let's leave it at that.  
Joker was lucky his girlfriend was a legendary gymnast, as he only had one hand free to hold her up with - the other was needed to hold the cooler with aaaaaall the hands in.   
"Harley-baby, whaddya think would be a nice joke to make about the hands? I'm thinking... verging on offensive... something we can juuuuuuuust about get away with, you know what I'm saying?"  
Harley rolled her eyes in tune with his words. But, she began to think up jokes they could make. "Hmmm.. We could takkkke theeee..." She thought a little deeper into pattern, head cocked to the side. "We could go into the self pleasuring side. Something about thinking he might have needed a couple extra LEFT HANDS seeming as he's down HERE all the time. Don't suppose theres too many people willin to crawl through a sewer for a hook up." She pointed out, the only one that really came to mind. "And right ones if he PREFERS to use that hand." She shrugged, looking down at him from her little perch on his back, resting her head against her arms and studying his profile. What a gorgeous evil mastermind! And a funny one at that. What was that saying- a girl always loves a man with a sense of humor? There was also that they love a man of authorityy. Why didn't Joker have more girls wanting to climb into his bed? Probably because absolutely everyone knew that he was with her; that she was his girlfriend and that she was also PRETTY PSYCHOTIC herself, and would proBABLY kill them.   
Yeah. She guessed that would have been enough to stir any other psychotic bitch away from trying to get on his good side at the very least. After all, Harley was pretty damn sure there was NO ONE quite as crazy as she was; except for Joker. But that was ONLY HIM. She shook the thought and focused back on him. "How's that sound puddin? I mean, its offensive and rude, but noooot rude enough for him to try to eat you for it."  
Joker had to stop walking in order to laugh. He wanted to KISS her, that blessed girl!   
"THAT'S IT! That's what we'll go with, peaches! And you know what, kid? YOU can even DELIVER THE JOKE!" What a rewaaaard that was! What a lucky gal. She was all warm against his bare back. It was nice. Toasty. Comforting. There was a very quiet splash that echoed from up ahead. Ahaaaa~! The sound of a certain humanoid crocodile sneaking back into the water after listening to that little TID-BIT of conversation between them. WHAT AN EAVESDROPPER THAT SNEAKY CROC WAS!  
Well, well, well, well, well...  
Better give him something juicy to gossip about with the OTHER scaled amphibians of the underworld~  
"Haaaaaarley...." Joker growled seductively, "Do you remember the time I fucked you with a loaded gun~?" He sang cheerily, bopping about with her on his back as he waded through the shallow parts of the sewer. He started to giggle as Croc could be heard swimming closer and closer and at SUCH A RAPID RATE!  
J leapt out of the water on to the side, dangling the cooler over the water where Croc had emerged, "Croccy boy... don't be so moody! We brought dinner! Looksie!" Joker offered the cooler with a nice bow, even with Harley still clinging to his back. It was the best time for her to tell her joke, after all.   
Harley was holding tight to Joker, giggling as the bow put her eye level with Croc. "Its some extra LEFT HANDS! Yknow, we figured since its pretty LONELY down here!" She grinned. "Theres some right ones in there too so you can MIX IT UP." Then, she was bursting with laughter. Hell, she almost fell off jokers back after catching a look at his EXPRESSION! Oh boy, that really was the perfect joke! She could still feel Croc SCOWLING at her! Well, at them, because it had been both parties who decided on the Joke to be used. She patted at Jokers shoulders, her laughter falling into giggles as he straightened himself up. It was quite the day, and while they were in a sewer, at least they managed to get a fantastic punchline across! And Croc didn't look AT ALL impressed, which, Harley had learend, was the only way to tell if you'd told a good joke! So it was! Croc however, did not think it was a good joke. But, he took the cooler with the hands anyway. "What do you two want?" He had asked, and Harley figured that well... He was a smart ol'croc considering he knew that Joker would only bring an OFFERING when he needed something. Now, she wasn't sure how well he'd agree to their plan, but she figured that WORLD DOMINATION would follow after ruling gotham and what EVIL VILLAIN can pass that up?! NONE! Thats why it was so likely for allll of the offending people they needed would likely agree. Except for Ivy. Ivy would agree because of Harley. Not world domination. That wasn't her speed anyway.   
With a grin, she patted at Joker's cheeks a little. "Tell him your AMAZING plan, puddin!" She encouraged him, wanting to hear it over anyway. This was by far is best plan! And it also was partially her fault- in her mind- considering it came to him during their REUNITING.  
Joker had been chuckling full force right at the filthy, dirty sewer floor. Harley's deliverance was always PURE GOLD. That girl knew how to crack a joke nearly as well as he did - with absolutely NO tact! Bullseye!  
With a second bow and an embellishment of his hand this time, Joker held Harley up on his back with two hands now, so he needed his EXPRESSIONS and full body actions to really sell the plan to the big old reptile before them,  
"Croc-adoccy, you and I are the kind of MEN who could never be content with just.... THIS. Our LOT needs to be much more than..." J cleared his throat and sang "this provincial liiiiiiiife~" just like Belle did in Beauty and The Beast. What a fitting reference. Here they were! Himself and Harley were STUNNING BEAUTIES and before them... THE BEAST. Exciting, huh?  
"Get. To. The. Point. Joker." Croc snarled out. The poor guy had never had much patience. Joker fixed him with an annoyed look and rolled his eyes but carried on anyways, "Me, you, Harls, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow and Penguin. NOT a likely team BUT a killer one nonetheless! This plan I've got, uh, STEWIN'..." J tapped at the side of his forehead, "it's got us takin' over ALL of Gotham!"   
Crocsy didn't respond this time, which was a hell of a good sign. It meant he was LISTENING, and Killer Croc was just NOT the kind of guy who stopped to LISTEN. "Remember the LAST time Pammy and Victor worked together? They created a toxin that could control MINDS. You help us administer it to ALL of Gotham... and it's ours! Along with aaaaall the lady crocodiles and aaaaaaall the oceans and large, GIGANTIC stretches of water and ALL of the human bits and pieces you could ever want! Apart from that of myself and Harley, of course... so.... whaddya say?"  
Harley grinned, and tilted her head to the side at an awkward and probably creepy angle as she listened to Joker spewl out the plan and then waited for Crocs return on it. Naturally of course, she hoped that he would agree. If they OWNED the city, then- she could have WHATEVER SHE WANTED without having to worry about Batsy throwin her Puddin away! Oh the things that they could do with such POWER! Then they'd really be King and Queen. Croc seemed to nod his head for a moment before he actually spoke. "If you can actually get the other three in on it, then I'd be in on it." He said after a moment. He began to leave then, but paused. "Joker," He said, turning his head, "the next time you decide to come into my sewers, leave your sex life at home." He stated, before he was gone again, quick as that. But, Harley guessed being a hungry human eating croc, he wasn't too big of a PEOPLE PERSON like they were. "Well that went SPLENDID, Mistah J!" She praised, and patted at his cheeks again. "Now, lets get outta this place before my sense of smell is completely destroyed." She hummed and tightened her legs around his waist.  
She could probably squat a watermelon between her thighs. She needed to try that eventually.  
Her head tilted back to nuzzle her nose into his skin once again, taking in his scent once more, it was still the only thing that she could even begin to tolerate. It was the only thing saving her poooor nose at this point! "And then we can go get Ivy! Though, I dunno how wiiiiiiiilling she'll be to agree if you're arrouuund."  
Joker sneered in a happy, laughable kind of fashion,  
"If I limited my sex life to home... there'd be no sex LIFE to speak of!" He called after Croc cheerily. Hoisting Harley back up onto his back and getting a better grip on her, he turned rather obediently and galloped off to the entrace to the sewer like the greenest, most tattooed horse in the world.  
"We need a wash first, cupcake. You know how KEEN Pammy's sense of smell is!"  
And they did just that.  
Bath sex can be pretty funny when a rubber duckie is involved.  
Primped and dressed and under strict instructions, Joker waited for Harley in the car. As he was BEHAVING, he'd stolen the most eco-friendly car he could find just to please old Pammy. What a PAIN that woman was. Venomous, controlling ECO FREAK. Joker growled quietly and smashed his head lightly against the window to his left. Harley wasn't too long after that and then they were off.  
"HIYA, PAMMY-PEA! WE'RE HEEEEERE!" Joker called out, strolling right through Ivy's front door - having picked the lock, of course.   
(He was doing his best to insult her in as many ways as possible without outright doing it)  
He had Harley's hand all intertwined with his own. Ivy's glare was practically able to MELT right through his face! Hooh!  
Harley's tuuuuuurn. He nuzzled at Harley's cheek with his nose.  
Harley had been about to bounce over and outright HUG the woman! After all, Ivy was probably the only woman that she could get along with. But, Joker was holding her hand nice and tight; meaning she wasn't allowed to go anywhere. AND he was being oddly affectionate. Probably because it was IVY they were talking to, the woman who Harley had had a bit of a THING with. She guessed it made sense for him to be that way. She moved to lean up against him though, deciding that she'd accept the affection while it was happening. "Iiiiivy!" She grinned, her free hand waving erratically. "We got a PROPOSAL for ya!" She announced, placing her free hand on her hip.  
"Ya see, Puddin here has got this AMAZING plan brewing up in that MASTERMIND of his. And its not just ANY OLD PLAN! It's a fantaaastic plan to take over Gotham! But, in order to go through with said plan, see, we'd need ya help." She explained. "I mean if you wanna take over a town who better to ask than the moooost fantasssstic woman with some pretty amaaazing poisonatic skills? But it wont just be you workin with us which means you wont have to deal with Mistah j too much and he promised not to do any OUT OF THE WAY pranks, he's gonna behave himself!" She promised her. And if he did, Harley would probably think up of a way to punish him (which would likely be making him sleep alone.) "So it'll be us, and then Croc and Scarecrow and Penguin. I'm PRETTY SURE the plan is to brainwash the entire town which is where you would most definietly come in handy with all that BRAINS and POISON!"  
Joker was doing his best at nodding all keen and sincere-like, giving Ivy his best well behaved face,  
"Pammy-baby... my hair is your favourite colour! What more could you ask for?"   
"I want all of the green space in Gotham," Ivy bit at him, folding her arms over her chest. Joker giggled and slung his arm around Harley, holding her close to his side. "Then you got it, Pamzabee!" Joker cheered, leaning forward to shake her hand.  
"Stop calling me that! YOU are not ALLOWED to call me anything other than Poison Ivy. Got that?"   
".... spoilsport...." Joker murmured very, very quietly in an aside to Harley. He was SUPPOSED to be behaving and he WASN'T meant to be talking. Ah... well...   
He was TRYING to be nice. It wasn't HIS fault old Pams just straight up didn't like him, was it?  
"Well, Harley-cakes... we have a suited Penguin to go talk to! Later, Pa- I mean, uh... Ivy.... cakes.... okaybye-" and then he dashed out of there with Harley at his side. He ducked when the bright green mug came flying at him. Really, that woman had NO sense of humour!  
Next up was Penguin. Didn't take them long to get there, either. The Penguin's henchmen looked almost as ridiculous as his OWN did! Shit. Anyhow, J strolled right up to one of them and took his walkie out of his hand,  
"Would you like the white wine with the fish, sir?" Joker called into the walkie and then dropped it right back into the goon's hand. He took a step back to be by Harley's side again and smiled as pleasantly as he could (which was actually highly sinister) at the henchmen.   
When they were finally allowed in... He let Harley get the introductions done with. The night was going well! They were just a well oiled machine at this point. How PROUD he was.  
Harley had done the good ol routine, told him alll about how they were going to take over, the details and such, and when he agreed, she had bounced right back out with her puddin! The night was going well, things were working fine, everything was so fantastically well working! She moved herself then to bounce up so that she had her legs wrapped around Jokers waist, arms around his neck. She leaned to peck his nose lightly and let out a small string of laughter. "Your plan is gonna be sooooooo fantastic, puddin!" She told him with a grin on her lips, Then, she kissed his lips slightly before she was hopping away from him again and bouncing over to the car. "Now onto scarecrow, riiight?" She was excited. It'd been awhile since they did a REALLY GOOD PLAN like this one, and besides, it would make her Joker happy- and when he was happy, SHE was happy! It made a lot of sense, didn't it? She thought so!  
A smile spread across her lips as she looked back at him before climbing into the car. It seemed that what she thought was gonna take a LONG LONG TIME was actually being really really quick! they'd gotten Ivy, Croc, and Penguin in the span of JUST THREE HOURS. And thats WITH THEIR BATH TIME! Which was actually quite a long time due to the fun they had in it as well.  
Joker was in an ESPECIALLY good mood so instead of batting and shoving at her or yelling at her or snapping at her, he reciprocated in kind and laughed REALLY REALLY loudly, tipping his head back and skipping along with her in glee. Whenever things were going really well for him financially or power-wise or just... in general... he was always really affectionate with his Harley. It was a well known fact.   
"Harley!" He called to her as they sat all tangled together in the back of the limo, "One to go, baby! Now, Victor might try the old... illusion... powder... THING with us, but we're immune to it. HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. We gotta pretend it affects us, 'kay? The guys LOOOOVES power and he really, really HATES Bats. We gotta capitalise on both, sugar." He glanced up from where he'd been looking down at her, stroking her hair. She'd had her head in his lap, experimenting with bubblegum, "We here?" He asked the henchman who'd tapped on the door. Confirmation was given.  
Scarecrow's hideout was... sinister.  
"Someone failed to find a good interior decorator, am I right?" J murmured to Harley as an aside as they were escorted through a dimly lit corridor to Scarecrow's lab. Harley had always been a little afraid of the guy, and it was NO FUN when his Harley wasn't enjoying the joke, so he kept her locked to his side, an arm around her waist.  
"Scare-face!" Joker greeted. Scarecrow turned very slowly to look at them and then groaned.  
"What do you want, J?" He asked in that horribly distorted voice of his.  
Harley was instantly uncomfortable when they arrived, stayed glued to Joker for the fear that if she got too far away something would happen. Scarecrow scared her. Completely made her unable to behave normally. Her hands clutched at him, eyes staying on their feet. Standing before him, made things ten times worse. She was almost trembling. She was hardly ever scared, but this guy just had.. Had a look to him that freaked her out beyond comprehensible. She remained clutching to Joker as Scarecrow began the conversation; his voice was creepy too. The man was creepy. Everything about him was.. Creeeeeepppy! Of course it gave her a sense of safety that he couldn't really use that illusiony stuff on them, which meant that she had complete control over herself right then and there- well not really. She was quite insane. She never had complete control.  
She waited for Joker to talk. There was no way that SHE was going to do the talking in THIS situation. Not with him. She couldn't do the talking. Joker was better suited for the creepy ones. Which is why she dealt with Penguin and Ivy! Because she was good with them. Of course, Croc didn't SCARE HER. It was just that he lived in a sewer and Harley didn't want to open her mouth down there as much due to a fear that some flying insect would fly in her mouth. God knows whats in sewers! So Joker dealt with THAT ISSUE and he would also deal with THIS ISSUE, and Harley quietly sat there and prayed that she didn't have to talk to him too often.  
Joker could feel his poor little girl trembling at his side. Maybe he shouldn't have brought her... her obvious fear wasn't going to look good for their image...  
Alright, then. He'd make it QUICK.  
"Sack-face, we've got a plan to take over. You in?" Joker started to stroke at Harley's side, fingers trailing up and down the curve of her waist as soothingly as he could manage. With his free hand he reached for the pigtail nearest to him and began to play with it very softly, twirling the ends of it around his finger and then letting it go again and again. She always adored it when he played with her hair, he just didn't do it very OFTEN because he never knew what to do with the FEELING it gave him. J blinked at Scarecrow.  
Scarecrow blinked back at him and then waved a hand at him,  
"And?"  
"And what, pal?"  
"What does it entail?"  
"Oh, uh, mind control, mostly."  
"Is that ALL?"  
"We've got Mother Nature's evil sister, King of The Flipper People and the Underground's most famous Snake's Cousin on board already!"  
"....So... Ivy, Penguin... Croc?"  
"Precisely!"  
"Is this seriously your entire 'get on board' speech?"  
".... The plan involves killing Bats?"  
"I'm in."

"That was easy!" J exclaimed to Harley on their way out.  
Harley had relaxed once they were back to the limo, rubbing her arms a little. "That guy gives me some serious creeps," She mumbled, though she must admit, the little attempts of comfort Joker had given her.. Well, they helped her a little bit but she was still trying to shake the vibe he gave her. "I don't even know what it is he's just.. scary. Like. One of those creeps you'd dream about as a kiddo." She mumbled and shook her head. "Scarecrow should change his name to the Bogeyman." She puffed her cheeks, climbing into the limo and curling up on the back seat, shoes kicked off and waiting for her Puddin' to join her. She was still trying to calm herself down; still trying to make herself realize that she does NOT need to be scared anymore, they were out of that creepy place and away from that creepy man and now they could go home and talk about ruling the city and things would be fine and dandy and she'd be fine and everything would be just FINE.   
"I'm not gonna have to like.. Be around 'em, will I?" She asked Joker once he got in, her head tilting back as she gazed over. She probably looked like a child right now, knees held to her chest, pig tails hiding her face slightly as she hid herself away in the slightest as well, her hands were still kinda shaky, but she was starting to calm down. She guessed that Joker wouldn't make her spend too much time around that creepshow, after all he knew how badly it messed her up and well, that didn't look very good on her image if she was.. SCARED of SOMETHING or SOMEONE, right?  
Joker sighed and tugged at her pigtail until she crawled over to sit in his lap. He smacked at her butt,  
"Chin up! Why you so scared of a man with a bag for a face, kid? You don't get to be SCARED if he can't DO anything to ya!"  
This was seriously his version of trying to reassure and comfort. But.... why WAS Harley so afraid of the freak? Did she find him scarier than J himself?  
J pulled back from her and smacked her sharply around the face. It was pretty soft but it was still a smack and she hadn't been expecting it. "Quit it, Harley. There's no ROOM to be SCARED when you're at the top, understand?" J snapped at her, face very strict and unrelenting. He stared at her until she looked back up to him, making sure she understood.  
She'd talked about childhood. J never wanted to think about his childhood.   
He pushed her away from him and turned to lean his head against the cool window, staring out of it pensively. Joke retrieved one of those stress balls from his pocket and began to squeeze at it. He never used it for stress. It was something to do while he thought. Something to keep his blood flowing so his mind would stay sharp and so he could THINK.  
"Bloo!" He called out to the front, "Home."  
It was all he needed to say, and off they went.   
Yes, power... the power was exhilarating. It was all he needed.  
Harley winced a little at the bit of a cold shoulder. But, she kept quiet after that, trying to shake the uncomfortable feeling that she had. She curled herself up on the opposite side of the limo, fiddling with her hair carefully, her head resting against the window. She was actually kinda.. upset. Yeah, that was probably the best word for it, but it wasn't like she could just say that. No, that was something she was meant to keep quiet. She was putting twiirls in her hair, fiddling with the locks until they'd basically come undone and she had to go and put it all over again. She didn't mind though, fiddling with her hair was how she calmed down for the most part. Though, when she got home she had a wonderful, big hammer that was going to do a lot of work to make her feel her normal, giddy self again. Joker was different than her; he could get giddy in an instant no matter what happened, but Harley...  
Some things put Harley deeper into a sprout of mood than others, which made it all the much harder to get herself back out of it, and it resulted in her hiding away and smashing things. This wasn't a BAD mood though, this was just her trying to shake some weird psychological border that made her unable to be comfortable about the scarecrow. Joker was right; she shouldn't be scared, he couldn't do anything to her.. Nothing at all, she was safe from everything he could do unless he stabbed or shot her. But anyone could do that, and she wasn't scared of anoyne else... So.. Why him?  
Anyone who didn't KNOW Joker would claim he was in a foul mood or that he was grumpy. Joker would LAUGH at those people. The reality was that he was simply focusing on THINKING. It had never been an easy thing for him to do - to just FOCUS on one thing alone. It was why he was ignoring Harley so entirely. Sometimes she helped him think but sometimes she was just... a distraction. It depended on the level of obsession he had at any given time with her. He exited the limo without helping her out or even indicating he remembered she was there. Joker used his cane as he walked, face set into a steady, focused expression; eyes fixed directly ahead. He made his way up to their bedroom. He knew Harley would follow. J was distracted as he dressed down, too, so impatient that he forgot to let Harley undress him and simply (accidentally) tore at his shirt instead of undoing the buttons one by one. He eventually got it off and threw his gun along with it's holster across the room. Joker fell back onto the bed with his arms spread wide and let his henchman hand him the ringing phone,  
"This better be good news, Harvey..." Joker crooned to the man on the other end of the line.  
Harley trailed into the room, shoes discarded. She noted the torn shirt and shook her head a little, picking it up and tossing it into a bin. It was probably fixable. She moved then to sit on the bed, not bothering to undress, especially since well, the henchmen were in the room and she couldn't let them see her naked. It would piss off Joker, naturally. She laid out on the bed, propping her elbow up and resting her head in the palm of her hand as she gazed at Joker, waiting to see what was happening. He was thinking pretty hard, which meant that there were things that was going on and he would likely be trying to focus really, really hard to get him to talk or anything along those lines because well.. When he actually did focus, it was a big thing.  
She relaxed into the bed slowly and tried to calm herself down, she was enjoying the night, her fingers dancing across the blankets that were between them for the moment, her eyes drifting about the room until they landed on her hammer. And seeing as he was on the phone she couldn't quite ask him if she could go have some fun with it.. So she decided to do that on her own. Bouncing off the bed and snagging the hammer while she could hear the faint sound of Harvey talking on the other line.  
Abruptly, Joker threw himself up from the bed and roared into the phone,  
"YOU'RE FIRED, KID! TURN AROUND AND ACCEPT THE BULLET TO THE HEAD UNLESS YOU'D PREFER TORTURE!"   
Joker then threw the phone with such force at the wall that it blasted right through, and clattered (as much of it as was left, anyway) onto the floor tiles of the first bathroom (they have eight - who doesn't?).  
Joker paced back and forth as he quaked for the first minute, and by the second minute he'd shot three henchmen in the head. By the third minute, he'd stabbed a fourth in the chest and kicked him out of the open window. Joker was still trembling. How. Much. Money. Were. These. Morons. Going. To. Make. Him. Lose?  
EVERYTHING? WOULD THEY BE CONTENT WITH EVERYTHING?  
Joker had killed all of the henchmen they had in the room, and more had come running to dispose of the bodies of the dead ones (or they knew they'd be next) so he was now, as he started his insane life... ALL ALONE.  
Even Harley had abandoned him to be off somewhere else. God knew what she was doing. She'd probably run away from him again.   
Joker kicked viciously at the bed and then, once that hadn't helped him release any anger, he found the largest, emptiest room in their apartment and started to do what he always did when he couldn't control what was inside of him, and started to arrange absolutely everything in a gigantic circle. Everything. Even the light bulbs from the lights dotted around the room.   
Harley was gone about thirty minutes before a henchman had contacted her and said some pretty bad stuff had gone down; so she'd made her way back home, bloody hammer on her shoulder as she waltzed in and set it aside before she followed the maniacal laughter. Why did Joker laugh when he was mad?  
... Right, he was insane. That was right.  
She shook the thought and made her way into the room, noticing the way he had decorated it. She had some blood on her clothes, a bit smeared on her face. Her pigtails were down, messy and frazzled everywhere. "Mistah J?" She asked, entering the room carefully. "What happened?" She questioned, moving to the steps that entered the room, but she dared not go any closer. She knew how he got when he was mad, and this was the safest spot for her right now in a distance where she could still hear him. He might throw a knife or something at her, but thats okay. She'd easily be able to dodge it from her.  
She watched him carefully, cautiously. She didn't know what could have happened when it came down to well.. Details, but she knew that Harvey couldn't have had anything good to say, because Joker was really mad. He'd killed a bunch of henchmen, and.. Well, a lot of bad shit was now going down, she knew it. She knew things were only going to get worse and worse and worse too, until he managed to come down from his quickly ascending rage.  
Joker stiffened, a lightbulb was crushed in his palm, and he was STILL vibrating with anger. He hadn't been expecting them to toss Harley at him. That wasn't fair. He didn't want to hurt Harley. Not consciously, anyway. He bowed his head and closed his eyes, pinching at his nose with his free hand while he dropped the broken up lightbulb from the other. He'd been fortunate to have been handling it in his gloved hand.   
"So... much.... money...." Joker murmured, tossing glass over his shoulder. It landed and scattered itself over the roses he'd laid on the outskirts of the circle. The dangerous stuff was aaaaall in the middle, and he would be at the very core - the crux of it, acting as the most dangerous thing of all. It all had to be PERFECT, of course. His obsessive need for it to be had him lining everything up at least 23 times over and over until he was sure beyond a doubt it was perfect.   
"Where have you been?" He asked darkly, still not turning to look at her. J wouldn't admit this, but Harley was the only person he would be willing to talk to right about now, and thank the HEAVENS ABOVE for her return because J didn't consciously accept it but he suspected he may have been on the verge of one of his infamous breakdowns. Joker turned to glance back at her and stiffened once again, lip curling,  
"That better not be your blood."  
Harley blinked a little at him. She honestly didn't expect him to ask her if she had been hurt- in a sense. She shook her head, eyes dropping to examine herself. Her hand raised to wipe the blood off her cheek. "Nuhuh. Not mine." She told him. "I went out and had some fun with my hammer. You were on the phone so I didn't wanna interrupt you to tell you I was going out for a bit-" She paused. "I asked one of the men to tell you when you were done but.. I think you shot him in the head before he could." She raised her hands to mockingly point a finger made gun at her temple. "I was just down the street. Bloo called me and said some pretty nasty stuff went down, so I thought best I come home." She hummed. "Besides, murder is so teeerrrribly boring without you." She hoped that he would begin to calm down, her arms crossing carefully beneath her bust.  
Of course, Joker was always terribly unpredictable when he was mad. So she wasn't sure what was going to happen just yet. "I think Darcy has Harvey over at the funhouse. Would you like to go deal with him?" She asked. Of course, she knew the henchmen's names. For the most part- well, she knew the older ones. The ones that had been there from the start, but she always used the random names that Joker did, because it wouldn't make a difference if she said Andrew or Robert.  
Joker said nothing at first but got to his feet and dropped the hammer he had been lining up with the rest of the inner circle. Slowly, he turned to look at Harley, and then cocked his head, eye twitching. That was the only sign of his barely veiled insanity, the only indicator of how badly he'd snapped,  
"What kind of a lunatic doesn't go for the gun to the head over extreme torture?" He asked in the form of a rhetorical question. Of course, knowing Harley (and he DID know Harley - very well, in fact), she was likely to TRY to answer it anyway. That girl had never really understood rhetorical questions. She was good with riddles, though, so that trumped THAT, and so on, and so on...  
Joker stared at her for a little longer, teeth grinding together, jaw flexing and twinging. Finally, he rolled his neck and cracked it, then did a small upper body stretch. His expression shifted in a BLINK - grim and fatalistic turned to giddy and excitable. He skipped and hopped over the various objects laid out and grabbed Harley's hand, leaning down to lick some blood off her cheek,  
"Come along, Harley-girl! Time to use your hammer on the man who lost Daddy lots and lots of money!" He called out to her even though she was literally being pulled along behind him so he could have whispered and she could have heard him, but....  
There's just no SHOWMANSHIP in that, is there? Not at all. NOT. AT. ALL.  
No siree.  
Ah, The Funhouse. Also known as Joker's Eden. He always felt miles better when he got there. Harley had been right, too! There was Harvey - juuuuuuust being strung up. J let go of Harley's hand and accepted his favourite carving knife at the same time he planted a kiss to Harley's cheek. Upside-down-Harvey gave out delirious, terrified muffled screams from behind his gag, his eyes wide and bulging. Joker ran the blade down along the curve of young Harvey's jaw and finished the cut off at his temple, grinning at the long line of beautiful, dripping blood that followed. At least the kid was good for SOMETHING.  
"Has anyone ever told you, Harvey, that you bleed well?"  
Harley was kind of amazed that he had turned moods so fantastically quick. she was almost worried that he would throw that hammer at her head. Not that it would've been a first. She shook that, and had gone with him to the funhouse, watched as he cut the boy open, her head cocked to the side. She did snag her hammer before they left, though she knew that there was a major chance Joker would mostly want to torture him himself, where as she would be there to watch him do it. Not that she minded at all - she loved watching him torture people, kill people. There was something so erotic about it, so facinating,. She loved it. She leaned against the wall as she watched, Harvey struggling against his holds. Harleys guess was that the henchmen, being the smart ones they were, didn't give Harvey a choice and brought him back for torturing because Joker would be ten times calmer if he could put the man through intense pain HIMSELF.  
Naturally, of course.  
She smiled a little and crossed her arms, hammer at her side as she watched the blood begin to drip up his face and onto the floor, licking her lips carefully. "He does bleed well," Harley mused in agreement.  
Joker turned to revel in the chaos with his Harley. It was always so vital to him that she were THERE when he did things like this. He needed someone who understood to be there, to share it with him. Someone who loved it almost as much as HE did. And there she was, his little Hell's Angel.   
"Tell me, Harvey-kins, what KIND of an idiot? A full out, bat shit crazy, certified MENTAL CASE lets their very powerful, very rich, very scary, very INSANE boss get scammed out of millions and millions AND EVEN BILLIONS of the dollars he's worked so hard to rob and scam and generally trick OTHERS out of, hmm?" Joker held his hand out and accepted a small yet wieldly, powerful hammer and began to hit very, VERY hard at Harvey's already shattered kneecaps at the point of every single punctuation in his next outburst, "What. Kind. Of. An. Imbecile. DOES. THAT. HARVEY? WHO. DOES. IT. YOU. DO. HARVEY. YOU. DO!"  
Joker dropped the hammer with a clanging, his chest heaving and his muscles rippling. His shirt was off, of course. He never tortured with his shirt ON. J stepped back, gesturing with a sweep of his hand to his lovely lady, "Now poor Harley's going to suffer for your big, big, MONUMENTAL MISTAKE. How am I supposed to spoil her when I don't have the money to do it?! Let him see how upset you are, Harls!" Joker beckoned her forward. It was Harley's turn now. What he'd said hadn't strictly been true. Even with Harvey's big fuck-up Joker could still DEFINITELY afford to spoil Harley over and over again for at least 98 different lifetimes. He knew that and Harley knew that, but Harvey didn't.  
Besides, it was more about the sting of the betrayal, anyhow.  
Harley watched and giggled occasionally at the blood shed, but when she was beckoned over, she put on a fake pout and approached her Joker. "Mistah J's righhhht, Harveyyy~ Now I wont be able to get annnny new jewlery!" WHAT A TOTAL LIIIE! If he couldn't afford it, he'd steal it! Not that he couldn't still afford it. She had hummed as she approached Harvey, studying him and thinking about the best thing to do to him, something that would make her Joker ecstatic. She patted her finger against her lip curiously before she had moved to take a nice knife, press it into his belly button and twist it violently, making erratic screams leave Harvey. She parted the knife from him and tossed it aside before she gestures for one of the henchmen to pull him back, and then push him, like a swinging child. Harley also stepped back, and when he came forward, she kicked him hard enough in the chest to sned him back hard enough that he smacked into the poor henchman! and knocked the poor guy over.   
Mockingly, she raised her hand to her mouth. "Oh- whoopsie!" She giggled before she looked over to her Joker. "How painful do you think it is to be stabbed in the bellybutton?" She asked him, turning her eyes back to assess her work. "Do you think that its.. Level ten, or more pain? What do you think by the SOUNDS of his SCREAMS?" She asked her equally psychotic lover as she moved to brush ehr fingers over his arms.  
She could only assume how painful it was to actually get STABBED IN THE BELLY BUTTON. She didn't even like when Joker accidentally poked her there while tickling her!  
Joker, of course, clapped and jumped up and down like a very excitable child on Christmas morning,  
"Who's to tell, Harley-mine? Maybe ask HARVEY, hmm? HE SEEMS TO KNOW!" Joker danced forward and leaned down a little to be nearer Harvey's eye level as he swang, holding a finger gun to his own temple as he spoke to the victim, "You know, kid, sometimes I think teeny tiny Harley over there enjoys this shit more than I do! Whaddya say? Y'think so?" J licked at his lips and gestured for Harvey to answer in some form. The idiot nodded. Joker slapped at Harvey's destroyed knee caps and poked playfully at his absolutely savaged abdomen before cackling at the ceiling, "WELL THEN YOU'D BE W R O N G, HARV! You know, kid... when an animal- say a fox or a WOLF gets caught in a, uh, hunter's tah-RAP, it'll chew it's own leg off to escape? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YA ANIMAL INSTINCT, HARV? YOU'RE JUST LETTIN' US COME AT YA WITH KNIVES AND BATS!" And as soon as he said the word, Joker kicked at Harvey again to really get him SWINGIN' and then hit him with a deafening SMACK right round the head with an aluminium bat absolutely covered with spikes. What a BEAUTIFUL sight THAT was!  
Harley had gotten sprayed with blood when it happened, but she couldn't find the time in her to CARE. She started laughing instead! actually burst out laughing and couldn't STOP! He'd had a point, her Joker. it was weird how he just took it and screamed, he didn't wriggle too much, especially after the beating had only just STARTED. She shook the thought and watched as he swung violently, now limp in his restraints. The kid was probably dead. Definitely dead. Especially after that last blow. Harley moved over to Joker, a pout settled on her lips. "Well he didn't last long at alll!" She said almost disappointingly. "Guess he wasn't good for much," She puffed her cheeks and turned to her love. "How d'ya feel now, Puddin? Lil bit better?" She asked. "We could go have a nice baath. Be real nice after the daaay we've had." It'd also be the second bath they had that day. The one after the sewer, and then this one. But was harley going to complain about bathing more than once a day? No! she loved that bath! and loved getting in it! She couldn't actually WAIT to be in it.  
Of course that was his call and Harley wouldn't try to coax him into it considering he was in a bit of a mood and that never ever ever went very well.  
Joker's chest was still rising and falling sporradically and his hands were shaking with such force that the bat was visibly shaking about from where he had his grip on it. J was stuck staring, nonplussed, at the NOW dead body of Harvey the nitwit. Already dead? He didn't get to DIE so easily. Not just like that! Where's the divine retribution? The KARMA?  
Joker snickered a little to himself and wafted his hand through the air - oh was he EVER one to talk about KARMA. It wasn't like-  
Hmm. No. That was blocked out for some reason or another. Why couldn't he SEE that?  
Oranges on Sunday. Oranges...  
"Oranges on Sunday," he spoke out loud this time, sounding wonderfully maniacal. His voice had simultaneously dipped and gotten shrill just then. A shrill laugh left him and he took a moment to push hair back into perfection. Why hadn't Harley taken that initiative for him? Oh, the kid's hands were covered in blood. Good shout. Speaking of the little blonde thing over there-  
He was sure she'd said something just now. Some part of him had even heard it. How crazy is that? Not that he could willingly or easily call it the the front of his mind. Who even cared? Joker wasn't sure if he did or not. On that note.... he swiveled in an alarmingly swift motion, causing some of the (leftover) henchmen to startle (these guys were newbies - the older ones were used to all sorts of shit).   
"Cremate him. I want Harv up with the fireworks by tomorrow night." J spoke this to the henchmen and then beckoned for Harley to follow him, "We have a world domination type plan to attend to, peaches. First part gets carried out TONIGHT!" Joker torrented at her as he stalked ahead of her. They'd need to wash first, of course (why hadn't Harley-kid suggested something sensible like THAT?) - and then they could be OFF to go see Croc again. He WAS expecting them, after all, just maybe not... tonight.  
Harley raised her eyebrows, shaking her head a little as she quickly moved to follow behind him. "We gonna see croc?" She asked him, rubbing her hands against her shorts to try to free them of the blood there. She moved to walk at his side, the shorter girl looking up at him curiously- why was she still so much shorter? Probably because she was short to begin with and her joker was fairly tall. She shook the thought and followed him back to the house, entering the bath room and turning to him. She knew he'd be thinking so she was the one to finish undressing him, moving to push his trousers down, then his boxers so he could step out of them, placing a sweet kiss to his cheek before he had atripped off her shirt, then her shorts and undergarments. She climbed into the bath, sighing out happily at the comfort that it provided her with. What a delight!! She was so happy with it. So happy with him!  
Joker held his hand out for his gun and holster, ignoring the look of terror on the henchman's face when he handed it to him. They'd been aware of the risks when they took the job, and he paid them! HE COULDN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T TAKE OR ACTIVELY RUINED A JOKE!  
J sneered nastily at the henchman and steered Harley off along with him towards the bathroom. The henchman was left behind SHAKING in his little boots. Joker was focused and he was in a foul mood, SURE, but he was never one to ignore Harley when she was NAKED - so for the second time in the same day, they had rigorous bath sex, AND they used the rubber duckie again. MIRACULOUSLY, J's mood was very slightly improved when they left the bathroom. There was simply NO POINT in dressing to the nines for ol' Croccy, because they'd be wading around in filth anyway (well, apart from Harley, who had whined and begged until Joker promised to carry her the whole time and buy her candy afterwards). When they left they were all dressed up in workman's jumpsuits (custom purple and green ones, of course, so that they were AT LEAST representing their public image) and layers and layers of socks and with heavy waterproof boots and gloves, too!  
J was waiting in the driver's seat, fingers tapping on the wheel. His bright purple jumpsuit with the little joker's insignia on the pocket fit him just right. AND being The Joker that he was, he'd left the front mostly undone, right up until his navel, so his chest and his tattoos were still on show. There was a part of him so animalistic that he couldn't bear to WEAR clothes fully. Harley eventually slide into the passenger's seat beside him in her matching bright green jumpsuit and after she'd given him a little kiss on the cheek, off they went!  
Harley was quite happy to wear what she had, it meant that she wouldn't ruin any new clothes- and she was still being carried about by her puddin, which is what she was hopin for! She curled up in the front of the car, hair up in her normal pigtails, more hickies and bites lining her neck from their session in the tub. "Think he's gonna be GRUMPY that we visited twice in the same day? She asked him, her head falling to the side as she gazed up at him. Then, she shifted about until she was comfortable.   
She had that man as wrapped around her finger as he did her. Allll she had to do was pout and ask him preeettty please to carry her around down there- and he agreed! Man, what a man! Harley knew it, joker knew it, everyone knew it. She was SPOILED ROTTEN! Which might have been the second meaning to the ROTTEN tattoo she had.  
Joker tipped his head at her knowingly,  
"The man has spent his life as a freakish, humanoid crocodile-cannibal, Harls. Of course he's gonna be grumpy." J informed her as he drove, "Now, sweetcheeks, what did we learn about handbag head from the last time we were there, huh?"   
"You gotta annoy him until he shows up?"  
"Precisely, pooh. P R E C I S E L Y."  
Joker offered her an affectionate little grin when she bristled with pride at having got the answer right. Joker rolled his neck and cracked it before he got out of the car, expecting Harley to follow. Just when they reached the bottom of the ladder down into the sewer, he felt an obnoxious tapping on his shoulder, and turned to see Harley blinking at him all expectantly. With a psychotic groan, he bent and offered his back for her to hop up on. REALLY, now. He was The Clown Prince of Darkness! The No.1 Mastermind in all of Gotham! What was he doing carting his old lady round on his back, reduced to a glorified donkey!  
He wasn't sure why he put up with it. Just then, Harley cracked a FANTASTIC joke and he laughed so hard he forgot aaaaaall about his mental ramblings.  
Croc was taking his time to present himself this time. Maybe they'd caught him when he was sleeping? Joker ventured further and further into the sewers but there was no stirring. The big old reptile must have been slumbering!  
So much for top notch more-than-human senses!  
Harley beamed as she was welcomed onto his back, snuggling up into his chest, a bit of laughter fluttering into his neck. She waited to hear stirring, but there was nothing. No movement except for them. "Mayyyybe he's usin those extra HANDS we gave 'em!" Harley hummed, the joke making her giggle into his neck again, where she was hiding once more from the scent. "How deep do we gotta go to fiiind him?" She complained with a pout. "It really smells down here!" She puffed her cheeks and rested her heaed against her arms, lcoked around his neck- but not in a fashion that would make it painful for him. She loved choking! But it was only if he was choking her- in the bedroom or whatever they endedd up MAKING their bedroom!  
She looked about, but thats when she heard it, the quiet movement in the water and she tapped at Jokers cheek. "Stay still for a second, puddin. I think I hear somethin," She told him, tone hushed as she whispered it into his ear, and then turned her head to lift her ear to the water and listened closely, just to jump a little and burst into a squeal when the croc burst out of the water and it went ALL OVER THEM  
Joker blinked rapidly, harshly, staring deadpan at the huge reptile-man in front of them. He was NOT impressed. Just for that, J hopped out of the water onto the side and tossed an electric shock frag into the water. He chuckled and let Harley attend to his hair as the big Croc friend and frazzled in front of them. What a show! They sure were having a hell of an entertaining day.  
"DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN AND I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE, CLOWN!" The big scary glorified snake roared at him. Joker tossed another electronic shock frag into the water and stood in politely amused silence as the big old crocodile fried before him. Very leisurely, he brought out a vial of some very DARK green substance and a very pointy, very impressive knife. Where had he even been hiding all of this? Who knew? He didn't!  
As soon as Croc was free from the fry, he went to launch towards Joker but froze as his supreme animal instincts picked up on the smell from WHATEVER IT WAS inside that vial. J looked up from polishing his knife and glanced between Croc and the vial,  
"OH, this? Funny story - this - I, uh, stole it from Ivy! Deadliest poison on the planet, this. Pretty shade of green, right? I was thinking maybe my hair-"  
"Are you threatening me, Clown, or is this show and tell?"  
"Yes! Let's host the world's DARKEST Show and Tell down here in this dirty, creepy sewer! Go grab your severred intimacy hands and we'll get started!"  
"I WILL KILL YOU-"  
"Look, I don't know WHERE your ears are, but I ASSUME you have some, yes? I JUST said I had the world's most DEADLY poison in this cutest little vial, here-"  
"How do I know that's a fact?"  
"Well, poppet, would you like to try it out? You could be the world's biggest, freakiest, scaliest guinea pig!"  
"UGH! Fine. I get your POINT. WHY. ARE. YOU. HERE. CLOWN?"  
"Do you have some time to talk about our Lord and Saviour; Jesus Chri-"  
"I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU, JOKER!"  
"Geez, Croccy. Take a joke! But if THAT'S how you wanna play it and NEVER smile.... EVER... Harls and I are here to get started on the whole city domination thing."  
Harley gripped onto Joker, watching the two converse with her head cocked to the side. The conversation was amusing, and Harley couldn't help but giggle at it. She held tight to her Joker, humming. He wasn't holding her up at the time, she mostly used her legs to keep herself on his back, her hair was damp now and she smelt like sewer. She was definitely SOAKING in the bath for a day after this. She pushed up into Jokers back, humming quietly. "We were HOPIN to get step ONE of the plan completed! Well step two technically, step oneee was getting eveeryone to agree."  
Croc didn't look impressed. She guessed if she had gotten frazzled like he did, she wouldn't be ALL TOO IMPRESSED either! She shook her head and snuggled up to her Joker, shoving her nose into his neck and breathing in his scent. She had sewer water on her and it STANK. "Well then," Croc started, impatiently. "Whats step :: t w o :: then?" He questioned, annoyed as per usual. Harley guessed that the guy didn't get enough vitamin d!  
She almost cackled to herself. Sunlight typically made people happy. Someone who LIVED IN A FUCKING SEWER wouldn't be too happy, she guessed. She shook the thought and looked back to her Joker, bumping her nose against his cheek happily. "Where are we startin with step two, pudddin?"  
"Well, Harley-barley, we're mapping out the sewers to try and find the best place to dump our toxic surprise once it's made! We gotta get into the main water stream, you know!" He answered cheerily. Really, the two of them interacting in front of others was like watching a performance each and everytime. They were the perfect double act and they worked so well together, like the world's most efficient comedy machine that it was just flawless each and every time. Reluctantly, it seemed, Croc rolled his huge, crazy eyes and told them (very grumpily) to follow them,   
"Hey, Croccy boy! I was just thinking about your whole human flesh shtick, and I was THINKING... why don't we link The Funhouse up to your sewers so you can have all the nasty, messed up remains when we're done with them? Whaddya say?"  
Croc gave an affirmative growl. Joker reached around behind him (in an impressive display of his flexibility) and smacked playfully at Harley's bottom - simply because he'd missed the feel of the peachy thing.  
"No heavy petting in my sewers, Clown Couple," Croc ordered and J turned his head to give Harley a look. WELL, then. SOMEONE was jealous. Joker couldn't help it, though, because being told NOT to do something made him DESPARATE to partake in the forbidden activity! He gave Harley's behind a very tiny pinch and did his best not to giggle like a little schoolgirl with a crush. He was in a MUCH better mood now. All the torture and the banter with Croc and the ELECTROCUTION of a huge half human-half reptile had set him up to be cheery for the rest of the day. The only thing that could make him any happier right now would be BATS showing up! And as J knew VERY well, there was ALWAYS a good chance of THAT happening.  
Croc lead them a long way into the sewers and then pointed down a gloomy "corridor" as he called it,  
"Down there. If you don't come back I'll swim up and treat myself to your remains."  
"Love you too, Croccy."  
Harley let out a squeak at the pinch,a dn giggled into his neck after. They'd made their way down, Harley playfully waving back to Croc as they went, aned she could see him rollin his eyes. "I think he needs to get ouuuut more." Harley joked. "Quite the GRUMPY fella. Wont even wave back!" She puffed her cheeks mockingly, and then proceeded to rest her head on his shoulder, her eyes slipping shut in the moment and she allowed herself to completely become content, there cuddled up on her Puddins back. "How QUICK are ya thinkin it'll take to have eeeveeeryone in the city posioned?" She asked him, obviously curious about it. "We'll even have ol'batsy poisoned! It'll be a blast!" She hummed and patted at his shoulders gleefully. She couldn't wait for the plan to be set into motion properly.  
Harley was well- she was pretty twisted herself, and she was reaaaaaaall excited for basical world domination- in fact, she was over the moon! It wasn't often that Joker had such a fantastic plan that she could tag along for for EVERY PROTION! a lot of his plans involved things that Joker deemed unfit for Harley to see- and gave her other little tasks.  
She later discovered that it was because he thought she'd get real hurt or something along those lines.   
What a romantic!  
"He DEFINITELY needs to get out more, cupcake! He should join us on a night out on the town!" Joker answered in delight, bopping about in the sewer water he was wading through with her perched safely on his back. Croc gave them no more than a growl in response, "Oh, pooooooey," Joker said sticking out his tongue and blowing a raspberry.   
"I hope you die." Killer Croc growled at J, turning to shoot a hungry glare back at the poor loon. J pursed his lips and pouted full force,  
"That's just mean. D'you hear that, Harls? You wanna leave young Harley a widow, Croc?" Joker implored, whining just the right amount. Poor Harley-girl wouldn't be able to COPE, would she? Croc was SNEERING - Joker could TELL the rotten snake was SNEERING.   
"Mm... maybe I wouldn't MIND her being single."  
The smile left Joker's face in an instant. He stopped walking, stopped dancing through the water. Joker's lips curled down at the corners in a horrifying grimace - his face was that of thunder and his fingers dug into Harley's thighs. J stepped right out of the water and brought out another one of the electronic frags. He held it right over the water, thumb ready to flick the lever. Croc turned to find out why they'd stopped. Joker dropped it in and stepped back to watch Croc FRY with a otherworldly DARK expression. He patted Harleys' bum as a sign for her to hop down off his back. Joker slowly brought his very sharp, very impressive knife and polished it. He then retrieved THAT CUTESY LIL' VIAL he'd pilfered from old Pammy. Eyes trained on Croc (he didn't need to bother with worrying about the poison affecting him because he was immune to it all) and tipped the vial over to coat the knife with the poison.  
Waiting unusually patiently for Croc to finish with all the frazzling, he stepped into the water shortly after, and silently slid over to Croc, knife poised at the giant reptile's throat, eyes like bullets and muscles straining in his face - he trembled all over,  
"The moment I want you dead, you're dead," Joker spoke like death itself, and he spoke the truth. No matter how strong or powerful Croc was, Joker could kill him. He could do it. Any moment. Any time. It would be as easy as stepping on an ant. And now...  
Now he had the motivation....  
It was hard to read the feelings of an overgrown crocodile but there was no mistaking the pure FEAR in the animal's eyes now.  
"Mine is mine, Croccy." Joker pressed the blade lightly against Croc's neck. Any contact with his blood and he'd be dead before any of them really realised it,  
"She's yours, she's YOURS!"  
"I know."

It took a lot of appeasing and apologising and reassurance but eventually Joker agreed to let Harley hop up onto his back. They parted ways with Croc, venturing into the sewer system corridor to find the answer to stage 2 of their plan.  
Harley watched with amused eyes as her puddin got defensive and jealous. Oh how she LOVED IT! She snuggled herself up into his back, a bundle of giggles as she pressed little kisses all over his neck. "I looooooove when you get like that, Mistah J!" She whined out, her nose nuzzled up by his ear after. He was so DAMN HOT when he was possessive like that! Harley knew she probably SHOULDN'T like that. She recalled Ivy saying that it was a little UNHEALTHY how possessive Joker was over her, but she LOVED IT! She couldn't help it, she just adoooored when he got like it! How could she not? She adored his attention and constant affections and being possessive over her just proved that he loved her! He couldn't stand to lose her! The thought of her with someone else drove him MAD!   
She sighed dreamily, hugging into his back happily. Her night had just been MADE! It was always like that after one of these outbursts. Croc had reaaaalllly been asking for it though, saying such a thing about her- to him! Mayybe the old creature was just loookin to be killed! But then again the fear in his eyes when Joker began threatening him would say otherwise- but why else say something so silly?! Besides, even if her puddin ever did die- which he never would- she would NEVER be with another man! She was a one fella gal, and that wouldn't ever change. She belonged to Mistah J, she had it tattooed on her body, she was forever his.  
Joker had been deadly in his motions, stalking through the water so heavily that there were LOUD splashes with his every step,  
"You wouldn't get with a FREAK like that anyway! I mean- you could- what if you-" Joker was supposedly talking to Harley but was clearly off in his own world now, mulling it over in his mind. He came to a sudden halt and brandished a finger aloft, like a lightbulb had just appeared above his head, "THAT'S it! You'd trick him into becoming your new handbag!" He exclaimed proudly, and suddenly, with the next step he took - there was a spring in his step and the water now merely trickled around him rather than splishing and sploshing and splashing. Joker had managed to convince himself that was the only possible reason Harley would ever be with Croc in any shape or form. For his scales! That girl was a one fella kinda gal. She'd told him as much time and time again - HE'D TATTOOED IT ON HER BEFORE, EVEN.  
So there was nothing to worry about. No qualms to be had. No doubts. No betrayals to be expected. Harley-his was HIS. SHE HATED THE SEWERS. OF COURSE SHE WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE WITH CROC!  
He'd been so occupied with worrying over her that he'd forgotten to answer her. He paused, trying to remember what she'd said,  
"I need a new leather jacket, anyhow, pooh!" Joker JOKED.  
Harley listened to his little ramblings about how she would never get with him. It was true, she'd neeever get with anyone! Let alone CROC of all people! No nononono! She belonged to Joker, ONLY joker! She hummed and kissed at his cheek happily, relaxing against him. "How much furtha do ya think we oughta go, puddin? the smell gets woooorse and wooorse the further down here we go." She complained quietly with a little pout. "Howm any times we gotta come dooown here? were never gonna get much done if we keep takin baths!" First time, it was cause they came down there, then the blood, and the third one, would also be because they had been dragged down there again- not to MENTION Crock had spLASHED THEM WITH SEWER WATER! Harley had it in her perfectly pretty hair too! She wasn't gonna wanna leave the bath tub for two days. Even if Joker vlaimed they couldn't quite stay in for TWO DAYS, not that he HAD to get in with her for two day,s but if she was there, that meant for sure he would be there too.  
Harley also knew that more bath times meant more changes in clothes, and she was starting to think shed make Joker buy her a nice new outfit for getting her soooaked by coming into his place, and the stench was definitely starting to stick to her skin. Not to mention there were some pretty scary, giant rats down there that made her beyond happy that her Joker was bringing her about on his back.  
Joker rolled his eyes,  
"The SERVICE here is awful! I've never had such poor service in my life! Tell you what, dear, I shant be giving this place anything more than 1 star online!" He announced very loudly to the sewers around them. No, they would certainly not be coming back here. J would come alone next time. Harley was NOT coming anywhere near here again. It made her whiny and petulant and demanding and it meant he had to carry her around the whole time and there was some pervert guy down here parading around as a crocodile! When the time came for them to slip their mind control thingy into the main water supply, he would go with Victor and Pammy and Croc could come if he wanted, but J couldn't promise he wouldn't FRY the guttersnake. He doubted Penguin would want to come down here. All his furs would get ruined, and Croc would just have to LICK the tiny little guy in order to devour him WHOLE.  
That could be an entertaining thing to watch and experience, actually.  
Hmm... so maybe try to convince Cobblepot to show up...  
J would come along to supervise and remind them all who was in charge. He had to pay Cobblepot and Crane, too...  
Leeches. Vultures.  
Not quite rats, though. He could tolerate birds of prey and slimy little bloodsucking monsters. Fire dealt with both pretty well, and J had a special affinity with the flame.  
"No more trips to the sewers for you, kitten. Your paws are all dirty and your coats all smelly. We just have to.... locate..." Joker came to a standstill and looked very sharply upwards with an accompanying point.   
"There we go! See, Harls? It says Gotham Waters on it. That's our pipe dream, kid!"  
J brought out his very expensive all knowing, all seeing, all doing location device. A little purple and green spot blinked furiously with another little pink and blue spot right on top of it. That was quite clearly them. He set a GPS location riiiiiiiight here. "Mission success!" He cheered, and off they set to go bathe and find new ways to copulate in a room sized bath tub.  
Harley was glad to know that she wasn't going to be forced down into these nasty sewers again- truthfully it was probably because Croc had made that comment about not midning if she was single- Joker likely didn't want her to be ::around:: him anymore. In fact, she'd probably not be allowed around him at all through out the mission and as soon as he was, proved to be unuseful again, Joker would dispose of him, quick as that. She knew he wasn't joking about that part- Joker never lied about killing people in these situations. Once they'd gotten to the house, Harley excitedly stripped free of her clothes and JUMPED straight into the tub. Staying undenreath the water rubbing roughly at her hair for about a minute before she had popped up and pulled in a sharp gasp of air. No way was she going to be getting out of there anytime soon. "Hey puuuudddin," He hummed as she sat in the tub, wet hair against her as she moved to get some shampoo. "Can we go out somewhere niiiiiiiice tonight for supper?" She asked him with a little pout on her lips. "Some where reeeeeeeeal nice to make up for being down in that dark, diiiingy sewer." She hummed, and began to massage the shampoo into her hair, it was a real nice pink thing that was suppose to smell like cotton candy- it was her FAVORITE shampoo, and she had the conditioner AND the body wash to match it.  
Needless to say, she usually smelt like cotton candy. And she loved it! It was one of her favorite scents. Her eyes stayed trained on her lover, awaiting his response. Joker liked to go out and show her off, of course after the incident the other day and then the one with croc today, she wasn't sure if he'd want to SHOW HER OFF in the instance someone had gotten a little too into the show.  
Joker undressed slowly - he had to do this so that he could focus on it and make sure he didn't just tear through his clothes in his quest to get them OFF. He was an impatient man who had spent a LOT of time in an asylum. Could he be blamed for getting a little desparate to feel free after a long day of working and trekking around with his whingy girlfriend on his back?  
No, not really.  
Luckily, all he had to do now was unzip the jumpsuit, now that he'd gotten the buttons undone, and then he was as NAKED as the day he was born and free to cannon ball into the tub - which he very promptly did. His hair had already been green, so he hadn't really noticed the slime from the sewer water affecting the colour of it.   
It had been a different story for Harley.  
Hmm, Harley...  
Joker drifted over to her and tugged her over to him and sat her in his lap so that she straddled him. It didn't HAVE to be a sexual thing, but it could be. In all honesty he was looking to get pampered. She LOVED to wash his hair and his body and take her time to give him a massage and everything. The best thing about their bathtub was that it was constantly draining and replenishing itself with new water to fill it - and so the water was never dirty for long!  
"Anything you want, sweetcheeks. You've EARNED it." He responded indulgently and EVEN pressed a kiss to her lips.  
Harley let him move her into his lap, a wide smile appearing on her lips. "Aw puuuddin.." She giggled, pressing a loooooong kiss to his lips. Then, she nuzzled his nose gently and giggled happily. "You're so GREAT!" She said happily, and then moved to tug him back slightly, getting his hair a bit wetter and rubbing her fingers through it to get some of the slime out before she added shampoo. Then she got his shampoo- of course they had seperate bottles, Joker once claimed he couldn't smell like Cotton candy because the henchmen would think she was coming instead of him! So she took his and began to massage it into his scalp, humming happily as she hooked her legs around his hips so that she could sit a bit closer and wouldn't have to have her arms stretched further than she needed. She hummed a little tune, rubbing and massaging the shampoo into his hair- now they were BOTH full of suds! and their hair was both in need of a rinsing. Harley, being the flexible little thing she was, just pushed Jokers hands to rest on her hips and completely laid herself back and held her breath as she disappeared beneath the water, rubbing her hands against her hair until a majority of the suds was out, sitting herself up and moving to then get the shower head that they had and flicked it on, rinsing the rest out of her hair before she moved and began to rinse it out of her lovers hair as well, a grin on her lips.   
"Puddin could we take the mustang tonight? It's been tooo long since we took 'er out for a spin, besssiiides.. You know how the fast cars reaaallly revs up your harley," She purred, leaning to kiss his jaw after she finished rinsing his hair.  
Joker nodded along, his eyes closed,  
"Mmm, but you know me, cupcake, I like to get things done sooner rather than later..."  
The show of her flexibility had been too much for him. She was RIGHT there on his lap too, all soapy and perky and.... acrobatic...  
How was a man ever supposed to focus and get WORK done?  
He was The Joker - he had people to do his work FOR him for a reason.  
Immediately, he attacked her neck, however he got distracted by the thought of something else and pushed a hand up from her abdomen to rest just below and between her breasts, causing her to arch her spine backwards and bare herself to him once again. Completely at his mercy now...  
The POWER.  
Intoxication.  
Joker swirled his tongue erratically around each of her nipples, paying special attention to both breasts. She came back up to meet him again and he flipped them over in the water - intending to bend her over the side of the bath and-  
Distracted. Again.  
Joker curled his arm around her from behind, his chest pressed to his back and his back and his hand around her neck. The choking was very light but the moan it elicited from her told him it was enough.  
"Time to make the choice, Harley," he growled into her ear, "dinner or sex?"  
Harley was letting out little noises as he licked at her, her body quivering beneath his touches, but then she was bent over the side of the tub, moaning out as he choked her. Her face hidden behind her hair as she shifted her hips back slightly. She was all wet now! It wasn't fair for him make her CHOOSE between dinner or sex! Of course, she would always choose sex over dinner with him. Harley wiggled in his hold, her hand moving back to trace down his side slightly to tease him a little more. "Hmmm... S... Sex." She mumbled out, her body squirming. "You've got me alll revved up now! I can't just.. Leave it.." She puffed her cheeks a little, just letting him choke her, touch her. This was what, the third time he would've fucked her in the bath that day? Yes, third time. She guessed neither of them could really HELP it. They were crazy, and cRAZY attracted to each other! They couldn't keep their hands off each other once they were naked. And not to mention there were some things that Joker did- put his hands in certain places that had meant to be innocent, but she was so use to it meaning something sexual that she just..  
Well she did the sexual thing instead of the innocent thing. Was she to blame?  
No.  
It meant she was well trained. And Joker loooved a well trained person. Right? right. And this was the whole reasons he almost bent over every time her back was against his chest, because this was often the position he put them in when it happened.  
Joker slapped her hand away from him,  
"You're not in charge here."  
J slapped at her right breast, too, "Hmmm.... you know what, kid? If you're all good and tah-RAINED up! I'll take you out to dinner ASWELL."  
Joker bit at her earlobe and then ran his hand up her back to make her b e n d over. This was such a common thing for them now that they responded and reacted to the slightest of movements from the other. They moved in sync and met where they needed to and P A R T E D only when both were ready and satisfied. This obsession he had with this henchwoman of his had come... so very far. Too far? Everything Joker DID went too far. Harley Quinn had been the only insane venture to stick around for SEVEN YEARS. Joker wasn't sure that could entirely qualify as a mistake. He'd said it once and he'd say it again; making love to Harley was like fucking a STAH-RAIGHT JACKET. Phenomenal.  
Somewhere outside the BOOM BOOM BANG BOOM of FIREWORKS were sounding. Oh! There goes HARVEY!  
Good old Harvey - the kid hadn't even lasted five minutes in The Funhouse! That had to have been some kind of record, right?  
Possibly. Probably. Likely.  
His loyal henchmen had cremated the guy and sent him up with the fireworks. Aw.  
J grinned hauntingly and rested his hands Harley's shoulders. Joker drew back and with one, stunning thrust, he drove himself back into her. DEEP into his Harley, where no other man had been since she'd been born as who she really was. The thought of that alone turned him on even further and upped his stamina to a new height. Poor Harley would be sore for dinner.  
Harley instinctively bent over properly for him, her body aching already for him. And then- then he was back inside her. Oh, oh how she LOVED the feeling. Before she became Harley, HARLEEN didn't even have that big of a sex life- oh no nonono. She'd barely slept with four guys- barely. It was mostly just messing around. And then she became HARLEY QUINN, Property of THE JOKER.. And she hadn't been touched by any man in the last seven years, that wasn't him. She squirmed a little and and hid herself away in her hair as he fucked her. She was so- he was so good! He was so perfeeect.. They fit together like puzzle pieces, and it was so- so perfect for her! She whined and let out a couple loud moans at some of his movements, her hands tightly gripping at the sides of the tub.  
She couldn't even rbeathe right- this was so much different than the last few times they'd been together that day. AFter all- he seemed to have found a bit of a harder, faster pace this time- Something seemed... Different.. Maybe it was the whole situation with croc that made him want to really, really assert his dominance over her.. mayhbe that was it,m it made sense, and she wasn't about to complain- not yet anyway. Once they finished; she would complain because god knows she'd be sore.  
Joker slid his hand down one of her legs and helped her raise it up... up... up...  
It always facinated him - the things she could do with her body. Nobody was more talented, in his opinion. And of course not! The Joker only had the BEST of the WORST on his side. J ran his tongue up her arm and over the curve and up her neck, finishing off at her cheekbone,  
"Looks like I'll have to carry you to your seat," he murmured into her ear, taking another bite at her earlobe. With such rough treatment, they were both HIGHLY overly stimulated, so it wouldn't be too long now. He fucked her to the rythm of the fireworks outside, and hard enough for it to be believable that THEY were the cause of the crashes and explosions in the sky. "If you cum quickly we can get to dinner quicker... that means we'd have enough time for puddin'..." he promised her, all husky and seductive. He KNEW what his voice did to her. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.  
Harley let out a loud moan as he touched her, his thrusts making her quiver, her body jerking a bit against the tub, knowing she was gonna have bruises on her pretty pale hips from his thrusting. "Mistah JJJJJ.." She whined out the name, her eyes squeezing shut as she rocked her hip back into his, she knew his words were true and she knew that she wanted to go get food- especially puddin.. She quivered, growing too excited, his voice almost making her cum right then and there.. God, he was so fucking hot. so hot- so good! sosososososo gooood!! She wriggled her body around slightly, but then he made one certain thrust- she didn't know what was so good about it- but it made her :: s q u i r t :: against him. The action made her embarrassed, curling up over the bath a little and whimpering quite loudly, embarrassed by her action and she could already feel the smug aura coming off Joker for being able to make her d o such a thing with ONE movement.  
Joker's grin was all encompassing, and what a SCARY grin it was. The kind that made little kids weep and cry out for the mothers he'd just murdered before them. It was aaaaaaaall so reminiscent of Batsy. Joker hushed at Harley, stroking at her hair and then pushed back from the shallower part of the tub so that he could soak them both in the warm, soapy water to clean them off. That should help with her bruises too. He could detect them, even if he hadn't seen them yet. They were there, for sure. Scattered all over that... perfect... porcelain....  
J ran his fingers over her thighs and removed his hand from the chokehold around her neck, wrapping it around her waist instead. He hushed her again, simply because he was feeling all nurturing and protective. J realised then what EXACTLY he was in the mood for. Harley's favourite mood. He was in the mood to SPOIL HARLEY.  
Abruptly, he rose them both up and escorted her to the side, throwing a towel with abandon at her head. He smacked at her bum to hurry her up,  
"Come on, peaches! I've got this credit card burning a HOLE in my wallet!"  
Joker didn't know whether he would use it or not, tonight. It was never pre-determined whether he would actually pay for a meal or kill until he got it for free. It depended on the service, how he felt... blah blah blah....  
"Dress up real nice, Harls. The place we're going serves diamond instead of ICE CUBES!"  
Harley whined out as he pampered her. She had carefully gotten out, drying off, whining at the little smack. "Puuudddinnn," She whined. "I'm all sore now," She puffed her cheeks, moving to carefully finish drying off, she looked down, noticing the bruises that were starting to appear on her hips, rubbing at her hips a little and moving over to him, peppering little kisses to his neck for a moment. "D'ya want help dressin, puddin?" She asked quietly as she moved herself into the bedroom and moved to the dresser getting out some underwear and a bra and then moved to put on one of her reaaaaaaaal nice black dresses. She fixed up her hair, a slight limp in her walk as she put her heels on as well. She moved herself then to get one of his niiice suits for him, and his boxers, and happily dressed him, but then she was wincing again, rubbing at her hips again, looking up at her lover carefully with a little pout. "Maybe we need to put padding on the side of the tuub... If you keep fuckin me like that, I'm gonna break somethin, Mistah J." She told him with a little pout.   
Naturally, though, she hardly expected him to go through with it, he probably got off on the fact that he could put bruises on those soft pretty hips of hers without actually, hitting her. She wiggled slightly and moved to kiss at his neck as she helped him dress until he was fully dressed, then took a few steps back, watching him carefully. "You look greeeeeeeaaaaaaat Mistah J!"  
Joker watched her, eyes roaming her pretty, pretty dress; his head cocked to one side as he considered. Did she not understand? Did she not get it? Bruises are... perfection. The little symbols to tell you that you're REAL and that you're managing aaaaall the chaos! They appeared in pretty patterns of purple and green.... really, could it be any clearer that bruises were made for HIM. Joker watched Harley struggle to walk and smirked a little despite himself. He hadn't even needed to use his hands. C h a o s .  
He slowly turned around and lifted up the back of his suit so that Harley could see all of the beautiful little badges/bruises (and the BIG bruises too) as they absolutely littered and COVERED his back. He wasn't complaining, now, was he?  
"You have to wear them like a badge of HONOUR, Harley. It's the only praise you get in this business."  
Joker genuinely believed this. He grabbed Harley's hips, ignoring her wince and the hiss of pain as he hoisted her dress up in order to admire the bruises.  
... Beautiful. They weren't quite at the PURPLE stage, yet, but when they were....  
J ducked down to press a kiss to each of her bruises, like he was pressing a kiss to each of his children's foreheads. He didn't understand how Harley couldn't have any PRIDE in her bruises. Didn't she get it? See the beauty? She usually understood things like this...  
Hmm... perhaps Harley-girl was getting soft....  
Joker frowned down at her as he thought. He hadn't even raised a hand to her and the girl looked afraid. What was she so afraid of? He'd thrown her from a SKYSCRAPER before when she'd pissed him off enough! Bats had swooped in to preserve her... precious... mortality, of course, but the point WAS that the girl had had MUCH WORSE!  
Joker hummed and stepped forward into her space, a hand going to cup her chin, tilting her face up towards his rather sharply,  
"What, you afraid of me now?" He asked in that DOOMSDAY voice of his that had (genuinely) caused a police officer to shit himself before. Was Harley-girl going to soil her drawers, he wondered? J narrowed his eyes, lips pulling back to display those nasty golden grills of his, "You wouldn't be scared of your Joker, now, would you, Harley? Frightened of old 'Mistah J'? Of 'Puddin''?"  
Joker bit at her, teeth snapping. Hmm. Looked like this trooper needed more up to date training. That settled it. He wasn't paying tonight. They were going to eat their meal and then Harley was going to massacre the place into the ground!   
"I'm not afraid of ya, Mistah J." She replied simply, even moved herself closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself so that she was fitted perfectly into his body. "The idea of breaking my hip bone against the side of the tub is whats displeasing." She told him, leaning herself up to press a kiss at thecorner of his lips, tongue even flicking out to flick against his lip. She was hardly ever afriad of the Joker. Just in moments where he- you know.. Really wanted to hurt her. Their sex usually wasn't exactly PAINFUL, it was amazing, actually, it was the fact that she could probably break her hip on the side of the tub-  
He'd probably laugh.  
She shook the thought and nuzzled her nose into his neck. "I don't miiind the bruises, Puddin. I'm just all sore now," She told him, head tilting back so she could look up into his eyes. "Someeeeee... Red wine, should make it feel a little less stingy." She announced, and took a step back to grab her purse that matched the dress. She didn't really NEED IT. It had her own custom gun in it, that was the only thing in it except for her phone. After all- she didn't need money on her.  
Joker hissed at nothing in particular, amused. So it was the pesky breaking of BONES she was so caught up about! He could understand THAT. She had a point, there. Those pointless structures inside of her always took so LONG to heal up again.  
(he didn't want to admit he also had bones because that would imply that he too, was human)  
"Bring some... knives, Harley. Give Bloo your bat. You'll need it later," he sang to her and then scooped up his cane, adjusting his shirt so that the buttons were open all the way down to his navel. He loved to just watch people's reactions to his appearance. They always started with the HAIR - and then it was the skin (good lord, that man must NEVER go outside!) and then it was the makeup and then the GRILLS and then the FACIAL tattoos and then the TATTOOS on his chest-  
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA stared back at him in the mirror. J adjusted his shirt a little so that at least the majority of his jester tattoo was on display. That was his logo. His ID. He tapped at the 'J' on his cheekbone with his right index finger.   
He turned to Harley. She was following his instructions like a good little girl.  
J headed downstairs to meet the limo. The driver already knew where to go. He'd said "the fanciest place in town" and what was fancier than Bruce Wayne's own main restaurant in his restaurant chain?  
Bats sometimes showed up there if Joker and Harley misbehaved enough.  
Harley hummed happily, getting some of her favorite knives, then she moved herself carefully to grab her bat, puttin git up on her shoulder and fixing her dress where Joker had tugged it up. Then, she headed out andgave it to one of the henchmen, before she'd gone out to the limo as well. She climbed in, fixing her dress again as she sat down so it didn't roll up her thighs. She leaned up against her puddin, her hands tracing along the open part of his chest, tracing tattoos carefully. "Where we headin to, puddin?" She asked, curling herself up in his side carefully and setting her purse off to the side. She was actually excited to get out to whereever they were going, it meant that they were going to dine and demolish! Tear the place apart! She loved those types of outings with him, the ones where they could do anything and have anything. She grinned a little and rested her head against him, gazing up at him. Like any other outing, her pretty locks were curled around her shoulders. It was for special things. Naturally, Harley loved doing anything with Joker, but she especially loved killing with him. It always put him in the best of moods, and after all, tonight he already was in the best of moods! The mood to spoil her rotten just like the tattoo on her face said.   
People always gave her pretty interesting looks too for her own tattoos, her skin. But most people overlooked hers. they saw some dainty, sexy little thing beneath the freakish tattoos and whiter than white skin, the opposite side of the spectrum than her lover who- well.. People knew who he was. They knew to fear him. He also just had that AURA about him.  
Joker pet absently at Harley's hair, playing with the curls, flicking at them and wrapping up between his fingers before allowing them to spring F R E E.  
Something Harley would never be.  
"Can you say you've ever been to a restaurant before, in your LIFE, where the food is exquisite, the service is GOOD, the decor is over the TOP expensive, and BATMAN turns up at the end if you cause enough trouble? No? Well, there's one you can tick off your bucket list, sweetheart. THAT'S where we're going!" Joker enthused, taking her hands up in his own.   
They played pat-a-cake the rest of the way there.  
The door was opened for them when they arrived, and as was Joker's preference, Harley stayed in the car until he'd made his way around from the other side to help her out - just like a PROPER lady of his deserved.   
Stares. Shock. Horror. Disgust. Just how he liked it. Joker gave the entire restaurant a very over the top bow, and displayed his grills. He winked at an old lady as he passed her and snickered at her whimper of terror.   
"T-Table for, uh, t-two, Mister Joker?" asked the waiter in a very shrill, very stuttery, very high pitched voice. J didn't turn to actually look at the guy, at first - focusing instead on the people around them who had stopped to stare. He hissed and snapped his teeth as a warning at a man who's gaze was centered on Harley's dress. The guy actually hid under the table. Joker put a finger gun at his head and mimed shooting his brains out to deter the other onlookers. When he was ready, he turned to answer the waiter, and with a gesture for the man to carry on, they were led to their table. Joker had offered Harley his arm outside, and of course she'd taken it.  
He even pulled Harley's chair out for her, and then sat across the table, bringing out his lighter to light the candle. SUCH ROMANCE.  
Harley loved arriving to places like this, because it was always fun. joker would make people uncomfortbale, people would stare at her, and then Joker would make them piss themselves, it was always fantastic. She happily took a seat and rested her head in her hands as she gazed across at her Puddin, of course when he took out his Lighter, she leaned back from the candle just the slightest so her hair wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. He'd lit her hair on fire on too many occasions that now she expected it. She then went back to relaxing into the seat, a small hum on her lips as she played with her own hair. "We realllly know how to make a entrance, don't we, Mistah J?" She grinned, all eyes were on them, every single head turned in the slightest to give them either nasty or scared looks.   
But even if they were dishing out nasty instead of scared, Harley could smell the fear from them.  
She reached over the table to take one of his hands in hers, tracing her fingers over his skin ebfore she locked hands with him, a grin settled on her lips. "You think we could put this place up in flames once we're done here?" She asked him, though she knew that Joker probably planned it already, he loved to light things on fire. Adored it. It was most defnitely one of his favorite things to do-  
Could she blame him? No. Harley always lit people and things on fire when Joker wasn't paying the right amount of attention to her. One time, she even lit a henchmen who was talking to him on fire.  
He'd loved the show.  
Joker had taken the booth seat, one arm slung out across the head of it, one leg crossed over the other, his free hand rested loosely on the table and his fingers tapped at the cloth. He shook his head at Harley, eyes closing momentarily,  
"We leave the BUILDING standing. Can't have rich boy Wayne actually PROFITING from our mayhem, can we? He'd make enough to dry up old Croccy's sewers with the insurance! No, no, no, no, no.... we set the STAFF on fire. Don't damage the interior, 'cause he gets PAID for that. Damage the PEOPLE." Joker taught Harley knew things every single day.   
What a good, nurturing boss/boyfriend he was. Showed those who said he was nothing but bad, bad, BAD for her.  
The waiter approached them shaking all over and SWEATING, too! Joker assessed the child with a raised, shaved eyebrow, "Something's wrong with the ATMOSPHERE, wouldn't you say, Harley? Oh! And I'm also feeling like the staff are treating us DIFFERENTLY to the other patrons, darling, wouldn't you?" J asked Harley very loudly.  
Harley plastered a fake pout on her lips.; "Yeah, puddin, y'right. Ain't it considered discrimination to treat people differently based on their appearance?" She feigned a mockingly, hurt face. "I feel, pretty singled out here, puddin- startin t'hurt my feelins." She announced. And everyone understood what that meant- people knew Joker always pampered his Harley, and if anyone was going to hurt her in any way, it was only allowed to be him. She usually justused it as a reason to get Joker to murder someone for her, because she got off on watching him assert his dominance and the violence of it all. She ::adored:: it! So she often faked to be hurt or offended or violated by someone to tick off Joker and send him into that position..   
Which is why the poor kid began to tremble in his boots, almost choking. "Oh- I'm.. I'm sorry, Ma'am, I didn-didn't mean to make you f-feel that way.. I'm just- very very... new here.." He tried to explain, hoping to save his own ass so that the pretty little lady would sick her boyfriend on him.  
Joker's face betrayed no distinct emotion, head tilting very slowly to the side as he watched the boy interact with Harley. The thing was he needed people to be NICE to his Harley - but there was a FINE LINE between what he considered to be 'polite' niceties and outright (in his opinion) FLIRTING. This kid was toeing the line with his ass kissing. And look! Poor little Harley's lip was quivering she was so offended by the treatment they were getting! Intolerable!  
Abruptly he laughed and clapped his hands, leaning towards Harley to stage whisper,  
"It's SO intense!"  
Cackling, he leaned back into his previous position, smile and laughter quickly melting off his face. Suddenly he was in CRIME BOSS mode again.  
"You're new and we don't like your service so you SEND OUT YOUR BEST, GOT IT?" He yelled at the boy. The waiter turned on his heels and fled. Joker rolled his eyes and flexed his fingers, cracking his neck as he rolled it. Pouting slightly, he turned to look at Harley for some attention,  
"They didn't even put roses on our table!"  
Harley shook her head, resting her head in her hand. "The service here is soooooo terrible, puddin. Guess we'll have to wait til the food comes to decide how much they need to be taught about GOOD SERVICE." She said, even paused to lean over the table and give him a quick kiss. Everyone in the restaurant were clearly uncomfortable, stealing glances but not daring to look too long and send either of them in one of their mood switches. The people KNEW Joker to be violent without reason- but Harley? She was a like an out of control bullet, it only took one little thing for her to shoot through you. And you really didn't expect it from her- short, cute, SMELLED LIKE COTTON CANDY, and she was ALWAYS happy. You never saw Harley Quinn without a smile on her face- at least, not very often. When you did, that was when things got worrying.  
Those two were bad enough when only one was mad, or when they were apart, but together? The people in the establishment had good reason to be terrified. The worse thing? They KNEW they were deadly. They KNEW the type of fear they put in people, and the people who know what they're capable of, are the worse ones.  
Joker was staring back at the repeat offenders. The ones who had had their customary two or three glances, but were now r e a l l y pushing it by turning to shoot them looks every minute or so. He cocked his head them, too. Lips pursed. Brow furrowed as if confused about what they could be looking over at himself and his girlfriend for. Yet another BUG in society. There was such... stigma around every LITTLE THING. It didn't work. This was where the chaos needed to come in. With a fed up huff, Joker brought his hand up and covered his mouth with it, letting the tattoo do the horrific smiling for him. The effect was always monstrous like this because the tattoo itself was so LIFE LIKE and Joker's eyes always remained fathomless and shrewd like the bullets they were. The grin turned into a real one as he brought his hand away - satisfied enough that he'd freaked them out enough to make them stop with their outruly behaviour.   
J enjoyed the facade of looking for things to dislike about the restaurant, as they BOTH KNEW they were going to fuck it up, anyway. Regardless. The restaurant had been doomed from the first time Joker had visited it weeks ago. That was the time BATS had turned up to throw him through a window!   
"This is THEIR fault, you know..." Joker told Harley as he got up out of his seat to wonder leisurely over to the bar. He spent a minute or two simply perusing the drinks available and then swiped up two bottles of red - just as Harley had requested. The bar staff were hugging the walls furthest away from him, and he pivoted slowly to give them an odd look, "Come do your jobs, kiddos!" he gestured for them to bring the wine stuff and some glasses and strolled back over to Harley. He handed the bottles off to the staff members he had following him and picked a bright red rose right from it's vase on a table he paused. J tucked the rose between his teeth and sauntered back over to Harley, offering the rose to her. He cupped either side of her face and placed an indulgent kiss to her lip and then took his seat - taking up the same position as before. The staff members blinked at him in trepidation. J blinked back at them,  
"Does this place just not train you?"  
As soon as he spoke they blurred into action, setting down glasses and pouring wine and scattering petals over their table. THAT was better! If you need something done just do it yourself.... honestly!  
Harley was a bundle of giggles at him, his behaviour. She was, she was quite enjoying it actually! Being pampered and being given these affectionate gestures that he was handing out so freely tonight, She knew tonight was bound to be perfect, puddin was in a good mood, she was in a good mood, and they had the entire town at their mercy. With the exception of Bats, of course. Though, he had a tendency to just act like their disappointed father- everytime he showed up after they did something it was a series of, 'really? r e a l l y guys?' which was funny too! She watched the wine being poured before she cooed a playful thank you to the waiter, and took her glass at the stem, raising it slightly in his direction with a grin pressing to her lips. "A toast, puddin?" She offered.  
She couldn't wait for the night to fully begin, but then she was pausing a little, her head tilting to the side to look down at their table, then her lips pursed. "Why, we haven't even gotten the menus yet!" She esclaimed in sudden realization, a pout coming across her lips again as she turned her head to the side to stare at the waiter expectantly, who didn't seem to catch on right away. "WELL?" She raised her voice this time, the girl hardly ever doing it- usually it was at batsy or actually, at J-. The waiter startled, and bowed a little before quickly running off to get some menus for them.  
Joker snorted in proud amusment. THAT'S his girl!   
An idea struck him and he raised his walk talkie to his mouth,   
"Bloo! Bring all the guys in and take up all the other tables. Dinner's on us!" Joker discontinued the connection between their walkies and shot a nearby waiter a savage grin. They were going to be the guests from HELL and there was NOTHING the restaurant could do about it. The BEST thing was their only choice, in reality, was to call up BATS - but THAT would just be giving J exactly what he wanted - and they knew that! Explained their reluctance to do so, huh? Well, maybe it was because they hadn't really MISBEHAVED yet.   
"Order up everything on the menu times two, baby!" Joker cheered to Harley, clapping in delight. This was part of his plan. Joker sighed and cleared his throat, slicking his hair back as the waiter approached them. He waited for Harley to order as he'd asked her to and then he did exactly the same. Right on time, every single henchmen on their payroll simply walked right in to the restaurant and took up all the free tables around them. Joker shot the waiter a cheeky little grin and pulled a bomb down on the table as if it were a gift. He pressed the activation and the countdown started for an hour.  
"Tell you what, Jonesy, you get all the food cooked up and brought out before the times up and I'll disarm the bomb! Sound fair? Of course it dooooes!"  
The waiter's name tag said Tim, not Jones. Joker didn't care.   
Harley was giggling again, happily ordering some normal food and then basically every sweet thing on the menu. Of course she would, its not like it mattered to them waht they ordered. She looked to her Joker, watched him order, a sickening grin appearing on her lips when she saw the bomb come out, followed by what the plan was. Oh boy, he was quite the man. Of course she knew he wouldn't let a bomb go off considering the advice he gave her earlier- no damage to the building, just the people. Was it actually a real bomb? More than likely, it was, but it would probably be disarmed before the hour anyway, and it was likely just a tactic to make them more afraid, to call batsy, and also for them to get their food a lot quicker than they normally would've given a normal resturant. Her legs crossed beneath the table and she took her glass, bringing it to her lips where she tipped it back so that the red liquid flowed into her mouth perfectly, smoothly, the taste amazing and Harley felt herself melting, forgetting the woes of the day.  
"OH, Mistah J," She stared, grinning. "Do y'think we could bring home some left overs from the kitchen?" By that, she meant if they could basically steal all of the sweets and maybe some of the real normal food if it tasted good enough, but definitely she meant the sweets, probably she'd go straight for the ice cream and the chocolate sauce and the candy bars-  
Maybe she needed to slow down.  
Joker cocked his head at her, a steady grin on his face,  
"If that's what you want, kitten. I'll get Darcy to empty out the kitchen when they're, uh.... DISTRACTED later," he promised with a little kiss to her cheek. He leaned right over the candle to do it, too! Such dangers and risks he encountered and took for his love!  
Hmm... There needed to be some... poison... or something...  
It just wasn't EXCITING enough. Sure, there had been some screams when he'd brought out the bomb and SURE people had called the police, but J already had snipers on the roof ready to take them out. It had been set up so only BATMAN could get to them. He had an hour, anyway, so it wasn't likely that he would be showing up IMMEDIATELY.   
J needed to up the stakes. Thing was... he'd used all the poison on the knife he'd threatened Croc with in his little fit of rage. He'd gotten through all the electronic frags, too. What could he use...  
J blinked at one of the henchmen, who immediately rushed over,  
"You got any landmines on you, Krill? You HAVE? I knew you were my FAVOURITE for a REASON! Go set 'em up by the front doors, would ya? There's a good boy...." Joker watched the guy go off to follow his orders with a delighted little grin, clapping and bouncing about. Sure, he'd said he wouldn't damage the building, but he had to make them believe he was serious about detonating the bomb on the table! Some minor explosions wouldn't get Bruce Wayne too much on the insurance front.   
Harley was a bag of grins, nodding her head a little and watched as the henchmen went off. "If we can after this we could go for a quick shopping spree~! I need a new dress after all, my favorite one got all ruined the other nightt.." She hummed and patted her finger against her chin a little in thought. She wasn't lying, her favorite one got ruined when they had that run in with batsy last time and she jumped from the car. She shook the memory and went back to sipping at her wine happiyl, free hand moving to take Jokers in it, fiddling with his fingers lightly as she relaxed into him. "And maaybe get some new sheets." She hummed, "Your turn to pick them." They always rotated. Jokers was usually more.. Darker themed or clown themed while Harleys was always candy related, or something likle that.  
One time she got unicorns and Joker refused to sleep in the bed.  
She laughed at the thought, which amde her look a bit more psychotic then she was after all, she just randomly started laughing for no reason- no reason at all! Not that they knew of anyway, and they all knew she had these VOICES in her head- often they were hinting at her murdering the entire room, but tonight they wer ebehaving themselves.  
Joker grinned back at her - all toothy and dark promises.  
Everytime she asked something of him it was like making a deal with the devil.  
"Anything you want, my little Hell's belle," he murmured, eyes scouring the room for signs of the staff making plans to try and best them.  
... How boring. They were actually trying to get all the food made within the hour! Why do that when you could call Batman?!  
Joker had half a mind to just blow them all up just for behaving differently to the way he thought they would. What good were guinea pigs if they behaved like hamsters?! J gritted his teeth, snarling quietly to himself, he bashed his head against the wall he sat against. Making odd little delicate motions with his fingers, he sat right there and plotted up the best way to get them to-  
YES!  
POLICE SIRENS.  
The astonished looks on the faces of the other patrons (turned hostages) told him they hadn't expected him to be so DELIGHTED to hear the police were coming. THIS WAS GOOD! THE BLESSED GPD! As soon as they'd all been taken out, more would come and it would ESCALATE until BATS showed up to make him behave. The bomb squad were probably coming, too. Joker LOVED those guys.   
Well, whaddya know? Seemed the staff were preeeeeetty competent, after all! Dishes were being brought out for each table they took out (which was A LOT). Naturally, food came to them first. Lobster!  
Joker had never bothered with the stuff. What was the POINT?  
He liked his food all prepared and ready to be eaten as soon as it got to him. He didn't pay (well he wasn't going to pay tonight) to pick at a crustacean!  
Joker stood and slapped the dish out of the waiter's hand so that it would absolutely drench him. Joker whiped his hand off on the next table's tablecloth.  
"Harley Quinn is ALLERGIC to lobster," he told the waiter as if that should be something known worldwide. It was true! THEY WERE LITERALLY TRYING TO POISON HIS HARLEY IN THIS RESTAURANT!  
Outrageous.  
And THAT was when BATS showed up.  
"Joker."  
"Bats! They tried to serve Harley LOBSTER!"  
Harley had puffed her cheeks and watched the scene unfold, but the look on Batsys face when Joker pointed out the lobster, was enough to send her in a fit of laughter. She stood from her spot and took the bowl of ice cream a waiter had been stood there with and began to eat it. People were giving them REAL weird looks now. Joker talked to Batman like he should care that they tried to serve her lobster, while Harley literally just began to eat ice cream. Bat man, was after all, there to take CARE OF THEM, aka, LOCK THEM UP, and they were both just diddlydaddling. but, what more do you expect from The Joker and his Harley Quinn? Not much more, of course they're both going to behave so oddly like that. She turned on her heel and moved to stick herself up under Jokers arm, moving to kiss one of the patches of skin he revealed.  
She never did find out why he loved to be shirtless, but she guessed it was something you'd like after being in a straight jacket.  
Not that she was complaining either- she thought he looked best shirtless.  
But she couldn't flat out say that right now considering she had a spoonfull of chocolate ice cream SHOVED DOWN HER THROAT.  
Joker pinched at the bridge of his nose with the hand connected to the arm that WASN'T around Harley. He turned to her and pointed at his mouth, waiting to be fed some ice cream. Batman was still trying to talk to him. J held a finger up to the costumed freak to signal for him to wait a moment. He swallowed and made a full on stereotypical 'bellissimo' gesture, kissing at thin air and holding his fingers up in an ace gesture.   
"Batsy you gotta just-" Joker grabbed a spoon from the table behind him and scooped up a large bit of Harley's ice cream and tried to feed it to Batman.   
"Just try it, Bats-"   
The ice scream was swatted out of his hand the way the lobster had been swatted out of the waiter's hands. Such wonderful parallels.   
Batman grabbed Joker by the front of his shirt and liften him off the ground. Harley made an outraged/dismayed noise of petulance somewhere behind him. J could FEEL that his hair had been messed up. Hmmph.  
Joker held a finger up, eyes locked on Batman. WHY did that man wear so much KOHL around his eyes?  
"Batsy, there's a bomb about to go off. I'll be with you in just a minute-"  
J smack Batman hard enough to make him drop him, kicking at him simultaneously. Harley caught J before he could drop to the ground, and he instantly attended to his hair. THERE. Perfect for diffusing bombs. Bending over to deactivate the bomb, Joker swayed his hips from side to side a little. Hearing a wolf whistle come from Harley, he turned to wink to her. UNFORTUNATELY, that teeny tiny distraction had been enough to make him 'mess up' (this was all very much planned) the diffusing of the bomb and Joker sighed, smacking at his own forehead.   
"Here, Bats-" Joker turned with the bomb and handed it to Batman, "hold this, would you?" Joker patted Batman on the shoulder and then scooped up his dinner jacket and offered an arm to Harley. Once she'd taken it, he turned to the henchmen and ran his thumb across his neck. Darcy was already in the kitchen raiding all their ice cream supply for Harley. J turned and strolled right out of the restaurant with Harley. There were no DOORS for them to use - they'd been blown up by the landmines earlier. Huh! All the GPD did was DESTROY. Joker whistled at the destruction, pointing at it with his cane,  
"Can you BELIEVE the lengths people will go to in order to get into restaurants, these days?" He asked Harley.  
They left Batman to his attempts to diffuse the bomb.  
Gunshots indicated J's orders had been followed to a TEE - executions were taking place.  
"Whatta desperate bunch," Harley had tsked, cuddled up into her Joker, the two making their way back to the limo, henchmen following after them not long after. A grin was relaxed on her lips, climbinginto the limbo and sprawling herself out against the seats, legs stretching out as she let out a satisfied hum. "I wonder if he'll manage to get that thing disarmed or not, guess we'll find out soon enough,' She laughed and stuffed a hand under her head, the other resting on her belly as she watched Joker, studying how he looked. "You look rrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaallll good, puddin." She told him, reaching to tug his hand, sitting up and pressing a kiss to his lips as she let out a low hum of satisfaction. "You should wear this suit more often it realllly fits ya perfectly," She grinned, and began to press little kisses down his neck. Harley was usually extra affectionate when he was in the process of spoiling her rotten. It was just how she was, and she really,r eally loved doing it.   
Besides, she wasn't lying, he looked fucking fantastic- so good- so perfect, so delightfully ironically amazing.  
She grinned and sat herself on his lap so that she could stay there while they drove, cuddled up into his chest, tracing all the tattoos on his chest in a slow, happy motion as she rested her head against his chest as well, already satisfied with the night, but she knew it would just keep getting better and better.  
Joker swatted at her at first, feeling a little suffocated. Quickly, though, he got all distracted by the prospect she'd mentioned - of Bats getting all blown up. There was rarely anything as entertaining as that, now, WAS there?  
So he let Harley pet at him and cling to him and be as affectionate as she liked. She'd put on a perfect show back there, anyway.   
He was still a little stung that the restaurant had tried to POISON her.   
Joker accepted her kisses as he was just simply far too distracted to deter her or do otherwise. He didn't pucker his lips or anything, just watched out of the window and waited for the BOOM.  
AND THERE IT WAS!  
... There goes the restaurant. Looks like rich boy Wayne would be getting his insurance cash, after all.   
They'd be calling him a terrorist on the news tomorrow, he was SURE. Even if it had been BATS who'd ALLOWED the bomb to go off! Pfft. Political bullshit.   
"Harley-baby, remember that time Vicki Vale tried to chat up your Puddin'?" He purred, pouting in a way that implied he'd been upset by her trying such a thing with him. Vicki Vale was notoriously Gotham's no.1 news reporter and journalist and Harley DESPISED her. She was blonde and skinny and... pretty (?) to those who LIKED that kinda thing. She was too... too much of a SHEEP for his liking. She fed into the whole societal bullshit. He would have hated her if he cared enough or even could remember who she was for long enough.  
THE FACT WAS - Joker was bored and so he'd brought up the time he'd been about to kill little old Vicki Vale, and the woman had tried to FLIRT and SEDUCE her way out of it. Disgusted, Joker had been about to kill her just to get her to SHUT. UP.   
.... when Batman (obviously) came along and distracted him.  
So, Joker was basically trying to get Harley in a mood to MURDER. He felt like MURDER would drag him out of his boredom.  
Besides, he KNEW he looked good. Harley herself had picked out his suit. He didn't need to be told.  
Harley's lips instantly fell into a pout at the memory. "I remember," She huffed, sitting up on his lap and crossing her arms beneath her bust, nose turning up slightly. "I don't like her." She announced simply. Truth was Harley was :: j e a l o u s :: because no one was allowed to flirt with, or try to seduce her Joker out of doing anything- no one but HER. That was HER THING. She was the one who was suppose to be all over him, flirting and acting all seductive when he was doing things, not that blonde little barbie doll that Bats had saved. She couldn't stand that girl, and she still couldn't. She wantedd to END her. Wanted her gone! But how would she do that if she didn't exactly know where to find her? After all she was still alive, that much she knew, but was she still in Gotham? Or had she left town?   
Harley was growing annoyed and it showed on her face as she began to think, then, she flipped herself off his lap to grab her purse, reaching into it and pulling her custom made gun out, her fingers dancing over the mold carefully as she began to think. Now this was something she would be stuck on for the rest ofthe night. Where was that freak show of a woman and when could harley end her? Huh? WHEN? She just wanted to know. She just wanted to DO it. To make her regret ever being born, let alone flirting with HER mistah J. What was his reasoning for bringing that up right now?  
Harley began thinking again. Joker probably wanted to put her in a mood, she just wasn't sure which moood he was aiming for.  
Joker pouted right back at her - playing along. He trailed his fingers down her thigh and scooped the limo's TV remote up off the seat next to them and switched it on. Vicki Vale, of course, popped up on the screen, doing a report right outside the restaurant they'd just left.   
Huh.  
Coincidences.  
Joker raised an eyebrow at it, and then switched his attention to Harley. Ooooh, she was practically VIBRATING with fury. Joker didn't blame her. The Vicki bitch was infuriating. What a brainless DRONE.   
"As you've been a very, VERY good girl tonight, cupcake; Daddy's going to give you a little present! KRILL, TURN THE CAR AROUND AND HEAD BACK TO THE RESTAURANT!" He ordered, with a 'wOOOOOOOOO!' as they did a very, extremely illegal U-Turn and sped right back to the restaurant. Joker hopped out of the limo first, slicking his hair back while he walked - right up to Vicki and her camera. Appearing behind her in the shot, Joker blew a sinister kiss to the camera man (who was desperately trying to tell Vicki without disrupting the footage). J tapped roughly on Vicki's shoulder, and offered her a huge grin when she turned to face him. She actually SCREAMED.  
Well, he couldn't really say he wasn't USED to it.  
"Vicki, honey, my girlfriend here has-"  
Harley stepped out of the car. Joker fell silent and simply patted at Vicki's back and took a BIG step back. This was gonna be GOOD.  
Harley was INFURIATED. The girl didn't even come out through the open door, oh no. She FLIPPED out through the sunroof, and then proceeded to stand on the edge of the limo with her eyes alive with anger, flames pratically jumping out at them. She jumped down onto the ground, landing in an impressive crouch with her head cocked to the side at an awkward angle. Some people probably thought that she was well.. Possessed. "You SLEEZY good for NOTHIN barbie WANNABE!" She had hissed, her voice almost as poisonous as the elixir that Joker had threatened Croc with earlier in the day. The soreness in her hips had been completely forgotten about now that she was reminded of this :: f a k e :: bitch. Harley pushed herself off the ground, and the cameras went to her, her face fixed into a snarl. Vicki seemed obviously displeased, almost dropping her mic as she stumbled backwards and Harley took a couple slow, long steps towards her, silence had fallen from the crowd, the only sound now the clicking of her heels against the pavement beneath them. "I'mma tun that pRETTY LITTLE FACE OF YOURS INTO :: M U S H ::!" She yelled. The threat was enough to make her attempt to flee from the scene, what a dumb move!  
Harley was faster.  
The girl had simply USED some other bystander to push herself off the ground, sending her flying through the air in those impressive flips of hers before she was landing, back on, in front of the blonde WHORE. Harley cracked her neck much like Joker usually did, before she simply began to bend her body backwards in an arch, both of her hands landing on the floor but then she was bringing her leg down in a rough, violent motion. Her heel connected perfectly with Vicki's shoulder, knocking her down while Harley just pushed herself to stand up again. The flexible little thing's hair was a mess, and she simply blew a piece of her hair out of her face.   
Her body turned to face the girl on the ground, roughly kicking her in the side, which elicted a loud scream from her as she tried to roll away. Harley had a sickening smile on her lips at that moment, staring down at her. "Who the HELL do you think you are, VICKIE?" She crouched down, pressing the gun to the girls head. "Thinkin you could flirt with MY PUDDIN? and you WOULDN'T DIE?" She snorted. "WHAT A STEREOTYPE YOU ARE!" Her voice shrieked and she stood, shooting the girl in the feet before she paused and simply tossed her gun at a henchmen. "BLOO. Get me my HAMMER." She demanded, hand out with one of her pretty heels positioned at the girls throat. Fearing that they would get punished by either Harley or Joker if they didn't do it, two henchmen went off to grab her hammer from the limo, and one gave her the famous hammer to her.  
Harley hummed in delight, twirling the large weapon around in her hands. "We're gonna start REAL SMALL." She told her, before she pulled the hammer back, smashing it down into her knees, once, twice, THREE TIMES, screams and sobs echoing about along with the sound of CRACKING BONES.   
Not even the cops dared to do anything, everyone froze in their places. "TRY GETTIN ON YOUR KNEES FOR PEOPLE NOW :: W H O R E ::!" She cackled, but the rage was obvious in her movements as Harley began to get reckless and more violent. The next thing she began to smash was her hands, then, the girl took a step back, panting heavily as she stared down at the still alive girl.  
She wouldn't be that way for much longer.  
"I promised to make your face mush, didn't I?" She smirked then, a sadistic look on her face as she raised her hammer above her head, Vickie struggling to catch her breath, unable to move her hands or any of her. "PLEASE," She begged, but Harley was already bringing the swing of the hammer down before she'd actually HEARD her beg, and began to violently smash the hammer against the girls head, cracking of bones surrounding her along with the evil, maniacle laughter that she had as the blood and BRAINS shot up and splattered against her dress, her legs, ruining her clothes.  
Joker, for once, stood towards the back, henchmen fanning out around him protectively, guns at the ready.   
Harley was in her.... 'MAYHEM' mode. Nothing could stop her. What a work of art, that girl was. He'd created her to be a masterpiece and a masterpiece she WAS.   
He needed something to DO...  
Where was BATS? Injured by the bomb from earlier? Possibly.  
Hmm.  
Something to do...  
Ah! Joker slipped around behind Harley and snuck up behind the cameraman, and without a moment's hesitation he stabbed the guy right in the neck. Blood fountained and people screamed but Joker was more concerned about the camera. He caught it before it fell and with a gleeful cackle he turned it on himself,  
"HELLO, CITIZENS OF GOTHAM! VICKI VALE'S LOOKIN' A LITTLE PALE RIGHT NOW! STAY WITH US FOR LIVE COVERAGE OF HER DOWNFAAAAAAAAALL!"  
Shots were fired but none hit Joker so he didn't much care. Bodies hit the floor to the left, so at least his henchmen were dealing with the ongoing problem which was the Gotham City Police Department.   
J flipped the camera around to focus on Harley, now.  
"HERE WE HAVE THE WORLD CHAMP, HARLEY QUINN, TAKING ON AND ABSOLUTELY :: D O M I N A T I N G :: OUR VERY OWN VICKI VALE!"  
Joker gave out a manic laugh, head tipping back, forgetting to keep the camera trained properly. The shot went to the ground. J sighed and wiped a tear from his eye,  
"All THIS in the very MOMENTS after BATMAN is TAKEN OUT BY AN ITTY BITTY BOMB! Man, I just love home videos.... and, OH-! ISN'T HARLEY QUINN JUST :: F A N T A S T I C :: !"  
Joker had to duck, then, as someone was FIRING AT HIM.   
God, he hadn't even thought to take his gun. He'd been too busy thinking about taking control of the camera. Joker dodged and ducked until he reached Harley, curling himself around her, sliding an arm around her waist and taking her gun from her discarded purse, where it hung at her hip. J pressed his lips to Harley's neck and held her flush against him, aiming expertly at the remaining policemen and civilians with guns. He fired until they were safe again. The backup from the henchmen certainly helped.   
Maybe they were due a raise-  
HAH! J made himself laugh.  
Out loud.  
Harley leaned back into him, letting him kiss at her, her breath was rising and falling in heavy pants, her eyes rested on the mush that was now Vicki. She turned her head, pressing a bloodied kiss to her jokers cheek before she had wriggled away from his hold, taking up the hammer and resting it on her shoulder again, a grin settled on her lips. "Lets go do some more killin, puddin." She hummed. And the news report was all live, so she couldn't wait to get home and rewatch what she had done. It was ONE thing to well, live it, and see it from her point of view, but from the tv she would see what everyone else had seen, heard what everyone else had heard, the noises in her head had blocked out quite a bit of the noise around her. She flicked her tongue over her lips, and began to walk back to the limo. She'd noticed a cop reaching for his gun, he'd been hit and was lying to the ground, so Harley promply raised her hammer, and then BASHED IT OVER HIS HEAD TOO.   
Fuck the police.  
She hummed innocently and then tossed the bloody hammer to one of the henchmen before she climbed into the limo and sat with her legs crossed, arms crossed, face looking still moderately annoyed. "Definitely need a new dress now. I have that sleezy barbies blood and.. other.. remains, all over it." She complained, with a roll of her eyes. She wouldn't have minded it as much if it had been anyone less DISGUSTING.  
Joker slid into the back of the limo, next to her, still panting and running a hand through his hair.  
He glanced at her, watching her pant - covered in blood the way she was. God. Damn. It.  
Joker lunged towards her and dragged her towards him, a hand tangled roughly in her curls, a hand anchoring her face to his, pinching at her jaw. His kisses were too much. They were hungry and lustful and seeing as he GAVE them to her so very rarely, they were overwhelming in their fervor. Eventually, his haste subsided and he sat back, brushing some lint off of his trousers. He left her gasping and reeling, trying to recover. He'd NEVER kissed her like that before. NEVER. Joker tapped on the window that separated them and the driver,  
"The Mall, Krill," J ordered, and then stretched himself out, tipping himself over to rest his head on her lap, his feet somehow touching the ceiling. Joker wriggled his eyebrows up at her, "Aaaaaanything you want," he hummed to her. He wasn't even TIRED yet! He was far too energised.  
Harley hadn't been expecting him to pull her into a kiss like that, and once it was over, she stillhadn't been expecting it. Her eyes fluttered open when he spoke, blinking down at him and grinning, her lipstick smudged now. She grinned a little and leaned down to press another kiss to his lips. "Annnnythin?" She hummed innocently, though, lord knows that woman was anything and everything BUT innocent. She could act it! But good god she wasn't actually innocent. She leaned into the seat annd moved her hand to begin smoothing his hair back slowly, fixing it to be perfectly slicked back, as the action had made it fall out of place a little bit too. A grin was on her lips, head cocked to the side. "I'll deffffiniitely be getting some new TOYS." She hummed, and relaxed, wiggling into the seat further. "And definitely a new set of heels, new dress..." She pursed her lips before she slid her figner along his jaw. "Maaayyyybbbbbeeee I'll take it upon myself to get some nice new lingerie..~" She hummed in thought.


	4. Four: Separation Anxiety

All was going well, all was going fantastically well, actually. the two were having a grand ol''time doing their usual routine and robbing some bank. They didn't particularily NEED the money, but it was nice to have when they wanted to bribe people. NICELY. Harley was bouncing about the bank, bags of money thrown over her back impressively as she moved to give it to some of the henchmen, and then there was the fact that she had her favorite gun, shooting lights and walls, things that were unimportant and just to scare people further. "Oh puddin!" She called out, moving over to him. "Batsy is gonna be showin up soon!" She hummed, her head tilting, the alarm was going off and the cops were already on their way, but, they never stopped even if the cops came. They were a team who didn't ever quit, and it didn't mean anything to them even if the cops did show! A woman was reaching for the phone, Harley catching the movement out of the corner of her eye and raising her gun to the side, simply firing a shot off and getting the lady right through the head. She was an impressive little thing, people always thought that, she knew it. But they couldn't have people calling for help now could they? They didn't have TIME for that.

Joker bounced around the place like a deadly flea. Money bags flew between him and the henchmen. YES, BATS was coming, which was why they needed to get ALL the money in the vans and ready to go before he ARRIVED!

Speedy exits were ALWAYS THE KEY WITH BATS.

And if that ain't his motto...

A Batarang rebounded off the wall across from Joker and he only just managed to throw himself out of the way in time.

WHY DID THE STUPID BAT NEVER JUST PLAY ALONG LIKE A GOOD OLD SPORT AND SHOW UP WHEN HE WAS :: :: TO.

Joker swung a punch at B-Man, dodging and ducking and diving. It was impressive, how long he managed to last in a fight against the Bats these days. J prided himself on being the world's greatest distraction - buying time for the damn GOONS and Harley to get the rest of the money in the vans.

BOOM. BAM. P O W .

A brave bank clerk pepper sprayed Joker RIGHT IN THE EYES.

HE ROARED IN FURY. WHO THE F-

Batman's right hook knocked him unconscious and left him to be handcuffed and slung over Batsy's shoulder.

... Rats.

Harley had been tossing bags upon bags to the henchmen hurrying them to quickly go out, but thats when she looked to find joker, only to see him handcuffed! Old batsy had ACTUALLY gotten him, and now he was..

Prisoner.

She felt her chest tighten for a moment and in her distracted moment, one of the police officers who had shown up, TASERED HER! How DARE THEY! But Harley, unfortunately, was not immune to being well, tasered. Her body fell and began to convulse from the action, the officer to take the moment to move and slap handcuffs on the girls wrists.

Rats.

The officer had pulled her up once she had stopped convulsing, and then roughly lead her way to the cop car. He made sure to check her for all sorts of weapons-

And she could've gotten free, if it hadn't had been for BATSY, who had advised the cop to put a mask on her too.

So he did.

Fantastic.

Joker woke in his least favourite place (apart from, perhaps, a WORLD WHERE JOKES DIDN'T EXIST).

Arkham fucking Asylum. And wasn't that juuuuuust PEACHY?

Fucking BATMAN. He was only fun up to a certain point, and the trick with the pepper spray had CROSSED A LINE.

JOKER. HAD. BEEN. TAKEN. OUT. BY. A. CIVILIAN.

Nothing put Joker in a worse mood than having his pride hurt or diminished.

AND WHERE WAS HARLEY?

Stretching out on his oh, sO FAMILIAR prison bed, he strolled the VERY short distance to the EVERYTHING-proof glass. He had INSTANTLY been put in the highest security section! For a measly BANK HEIST!

This was an outrage. The system was RIGGED.

He couldn't really BLAME them. J had broken out of Arkham Asylum more times than he could count. More than THEY could count. They never even bothered to put it on record anymore.

And thus the endless cycle continued.

Joker tapped politely on the FUCKING glass, and gave a coy little wave to a prison guard,

"Uh, yes, hELLO. Just to let you know, Stan. If you put me in a straight jacket I will SLIT YOUR THROAT." He promised very, VERY kindly, with a lovely little smile.

"Shut it, Clown. No more from you."

"Oh, and could you call HARLEY and tell her she has three days to get me out or I'm setting fire to everything I bought her in the last month? Thaaaaanks, Stan!"

"I imagine it'd be pretty hard for Miss Quinn to break YOU out when she's stuck in here WITH you."

Joker pushed his face up against the window, pleasant expression switching to demented, snarl nasty and deadly. The guard took an instinctive step back, swallowing, "Put HARLEY in a straight jacket and I'll slit not only YOUR throat but the throat of every Tom, Dick and Harry you've ever MET, Stanley~" he sang like a creepy child from a horror movie. Joker slammed his hand against the barrier, cackling far too loudly at the security guard's startled reaction. J fell back onto his bed, clutching at his chest and LAUGHING away.

But little Harley, was already in a straight jacket after she tried to strangle three of the guards. In fact, she was on the other side of Jokers wall, strung up on her bed trying to manuver her way out of the damn straight jacket. Princess there, wasn't use to it, and of course, she could see the guards standing outside her own window, three rubbing their neck and one, who had wrestled her into the damn jacket, stood there nursing his BROKEN NOSE. Harley had put up quite the fight, but in the end she'd been forced into this damn jacket.

It wasn't even a pretty jacket! The only JACKET she wanted to wear was the one saying she was the property of joker!

ThAT was at home. Where she would much rather be. Stupid, stupid batman! She'd kill him one day, she promised it. Even if Joker didn't want her to- she'd kill him with him! That oldd creature was starting to GET ON HER GOD DAMN NERVES.

Now she'd be locked up here with people calling her HARLEEN and treating her like a she was a child and they were the disappointed parent because DOCTOR HARLEEN WENT INSANE!

Doctor Harleen, didn't exist..

Doctor Harleen was just a cover up.. Just an attempt to get closer to all these INSANE PEOPLE to try to figure out just how INSANE SHE HAD ALREADY BEEN.

Harleen. Harleenharleenharleen.

such a stupid, stupid name.

being kept up there was starting to make her antsy, and she couldn't move her arms. She waddled and wobbled until she was standing on her bed, letting out a loud, terrifying scream. "SOMEBODY BETTER GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN CONTRAPTION OR ILL BREAK MORE THAN NOSES."

Joker woke up in a straight jacket.

A straight jacket.

A straight.

Jacket.

A.

Jacket.

Straight.

STRAIGHT. JACKET.

Instantly, he couldn't breathe. Of all the YEARS and MONTHS and DAYS and SECONDS he'd spent in a FUCKING STRAIGHT JACKET - this had to have been the worst. Did Stanley the security guard not know that Joker ALWAYS kept his promises?

Stanley the security guard was standing outside the cell, smirking at Joker.

Joker THREW himself right up against the divider with all his strength, cackling when Stanley flinched backwards and stepped away, clearing his throat in an effort to cover up his desire to SCREAM.

And BOY, was Stanley the security guard going to SCREAM.

"Tick-tock, Stanley. You have at least a week to live." Joker promised, grin broad and eyes twitching. His hair was in disarray, appearing in the sides of his vision like demented branches that he couldn't brush aside. The forest was closing in - swallowing him whole.

A I R.

He needed AIR.

He couldn't BREATHE.

JOKER COULDN'T BREATHE. SCREAM. FINGERS CLAWING AT WALLS. BLOOD. D.

CUCKOO CLOCKS.

BATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATS

HARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEY

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER

STANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEYSTANLEY

Joker ROARED in outrage, kicking at the walls, headbutting at the glass and the walls and snapping and howling.

He went on like this for several hours.

And then he was calm.

And then he was patient.

And then he simply stood there, demented smile on his face - locking eyes with everyone who passed.

Nobody came by twice.

Harley threw fits the entire night, until she'd given herself a nosebleed and they had to come clean her up and give her a new straightjacket. She behaved herself while it happened. But this time, she made it so that she would be able to get out. She innocently pinched at the front, which gave her roughly three inches of space spared, and tensed her body up so that when she relaxed, it would be looser. She knew enough tricks from watching magic acts- why didn't Joker watch magic acts? she couldn't remember. But she did! and she knew how to get out of these pesky things. Of course, she'd never tried it, she just knew the general steps to follow, and hoped that they would work.

But not yet. Oh no, not yet.

She sat on her bed, able to faintly hear the hissy fit that her Joker was throwing next door. In a desperate attempt to get his attention, Harley moved her feet to the wall, and began to roughly kick at it, hoping he'd hear her once the noise on his side had calmed down. Of course, FRANK was the security guard outside her little cell, the one whose NOSE SHE'D BROKEN. And he'd been given her some pretty dirty looks.

"Harleen, stop kicking the wall."

She continued.

"Harleen."

More kicking.

"MISS QUINN."

Extra hard kicking.

Frank gave up, and went about his rounds considering her kicking the wall wasn't going to break it down.

Not yet anyway.

Joker had this faint thudding sound in his head constantly. He had no idea where it CAME from but it was a constant presence. Of course, because his head was so LOUD AND BUSY anyway, he wasn't all that bothered by it. Simply curious.

It felt like it was coming from behind him.

Hmm.

Joker turned to look at the lower part of the wall. He had been about to crouch down to investigate, when there was some kind of petty commotion outside in the corridor beyond his cell.

"God, Ken. I'm tellin' ya, the broad will NOT STOP KICKIN'! I hear this happens when they separate 'em, you know?"

The two guards peeked at him with raised eyebrows. Joker pretended to be asleep.

"So... what does HE do?"

HE? He as in HIM, HE? Joker?

They were staring at him again, like he was an exhibit. So the he WAS HIM.

"I heard that he went absolutely MENTAL for the entirety of the first day, and then he got all calm and creepy..."

"He sure does CREEPY well."

"You know he once killed a guard here by tearing his throat out with his TEETH?"

"No fucking way-"

Joker had risen out of his bed and was now standing very, very close to the see through barrier. He'd done this in the time they weren't paying attention. Very loudly, he snapped his teeth together and mimed tearing flesh away from neck with ANIMAL ferocity.

"H-holy shit."

Joker grinned at them and said nothing. He waited for them to speak again. He needed them to talk about HARLEY.

It took them a while, but once Joker was once again turned away and pretending to be distracted by his feet, they started up again.

"Joan in CCTV says that if you watch their cameras at night, Joker sleeps facing the wall with his back to the glass, and Quinn sleeps on the opposite side, back to the wall."

"Force of habit, I guess."

"Even THAT, they manage to look creepy doing."

"Be careful. He might be able to hear you!"

"He can't."

"He heard us before, Chris!"

"Coincidence."

"Whatever. Anyway, did you hear? Quinn's already in her second straight jacket an-"

Joker was at the glass again in a flash. He headbutted it savagely until the two MORONS turned to look at him in horror,

"WHAT did you just say, Freddie?" Joker growled. The young guard was CLEARLY terrified. How had Joker known his NAME?

Joker knew everything. When were people going to LEARN?

"T-they, uh- NOT US- T-they put her in a straight j-jacket, but-"

"Who? WHO?"

"H-Harleen-"

"WHO?" Joker roared, face pressed right up against the glass now. His stare was captivating in the sense that it was TERRIFYING. It PARALYSED people.

"Y-your girlfriend?"

"MY GIRLFRIEND'S NAME IS :: :: !" Joker screamed at them, headbutting the glass again.

She couldn't breathe like HE couldn't breathe.

NONONONONONONONONONONONONO-

"HARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEYHARLEY-" J roared over and over again. He kicked and headbutted and rushed at the walls, struggling and choking and wheezing and ALWAYS screaming HER name over again. SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER CAME TO SAVE HIM. SHE ALWAYS HELPED HIM BREATHE.

NOW SHE COULDN'T BREATHE.

WHO COULD BE SAVED HERE?

As he was clearly behaving this way for attention, the guards tried to ignore him at first - but it was clear he had no intention of stopping. Eventually, they muscled their way into his cell and knocked him out and handcuffed him. It had been much too risky to place him so close to her. So, while he was knocked out they escorted him to a cell much further AWAY. They made the stupid, insensitive mistake of taking him the route that passed directly infront of Harley's cell, and while HE was knocked out, HARLEY could see everything.

They were practically feeding the girl incentive to escape and wreak havoc.

The funniest thing was, Joker could have sworn he'd heard Harley weeping as he'd been about to pass out.

Harley had started to cry in her process of kicking at the wall, she wanted to be over there, with HER JOKER. She wanted to be next to him, enjoying his presence. And then, they were transporting him in front of her window. She darted off the bed and moved to the window, headbutting it roughly to try to gain the guards attention, she had tears in her eyes as she saw that he was in a straightjacket too.

He couldn't breathe.

Harley couldn't breathe.

She began to panic. She needed to get her puddin outta there. She needed to get her puddin out.

Plan. She needed a plan.

Harley dropped to the floor and began to think. Food time would be soon, all plastic utensils. Plastic could hurt. Robert was a newbie, one who would b enough to seduce, or threaten, into doing whatever little miss Quinn wanted.

She would take advantage of it.

She sat there, an hour waiting for Robbie to bring her, her food, and when he got there, she was sitting all lolly dally on the floor, humming and swaying.

He sat with her because he had to FEED her.

Bad move. She began eating normally, but then things started to get started ande she would make little noises, flick her tongue up the side of the fork. Little things that had poor baby Robbie hard in his uniform. "robbie, if you did me this oooooone favor, I'd do whateeeeever you wanted.." She cooed innocently, shifting onto her knees. A hint at what she meant. Of course she never actually would, but it was needed to be done. Robbie stuttered out a, "Yes ma'am." "I need you to call mine and Jokers home.. Ask for Daryl.. Tell him that we've been cooped up in here and need a LAWYER." aka, kill a guard and become the guard.

Robbie had reluctantly agreed to do what she said, and left. This left Harley grinning madly. Oh, oh she ha n.. And she'd get her puddin out of that pesky straight jacket within the next day.

Joker woke up face down on the cold, COLD floor. He shivered. He was trapped and trapped within the trappings. He couldn't even roll himself over.

They'd put him in the next LEVEL straight jacket. No.

Nonononono-

Enough of that.

Enough.

Joker exhaled through blown up cheeks, kicked at the wall to give himself some momentum, and then FLIPPED himself over.

Okay. So he was on his back now. J still couldn't get up. He wriggled about, trying to push himself towards the wall so that he could use it to help himself up again. There was something TIGHT and restrictive around his ankle. He struck his leg back in a violent motion. A clanging, harsh scraping of metal and a BANG sounded. He used up his stamina in trying to throw himself upwards long enough to see why he couldn't move. They'd only gone and cuffed his ankle to the wall.

He wasn't allowed to stand anymore.

He had to lay there like a DEAD person.

There was nothing, absolutely nothing Joker hated more than not being able to move. He HAD to move, otherwise he was stuck with all the mad energy and thoughts rocketing around inside of him.

HE. NEEDED. AN. OUT. RIGHT. NOW.

Joker opened his eyes a few hours later to find a keen young intern watching him from a crouched position on the floor. Oh, what LUCK he had. She was the young, impressionable kind,

"Emily..."

Joker had the girl enraptured in the space of half an hour.

She was off to talk to Harley, obviously.

Joker grinned savagely. Oh, how he wished he could BE THERE to witness THAT disaster. The jealousy from both sides would be... delicious. He wondered how Harley would end up killing young Emily.

Ah, well. He'd ask her later.

Harley was impatiently waiting for DARYL to show up, when a little brunette intern entered her room. Her head fell to the side, the girl standing there with her arms crossed. "Hello, Harleen. I'm Emily,"

"Harley." She corrected simply, leaning to sit back against her bed, raising her eyebrows. "Are you also the one who dealt with my mistah J?"

"You mean, The Joker. Yes, I was." She'd barely said anything, but Harley was already annoyed.

"Where'd they tae him?"

"thats none of your business, Harleen."

"He's my BOYFRIEND. It IS my business."

"Oh, Harleen. You're delusional. Do you actually believe he cares for you? The Joker just uses you to get what he pleases, and he'll flirt with the next prettier young thing that comes along."

Was she saying that her Joker was flirting with her?

That-

That skank.

Harley was growing mad, nose twitching as she began to shift about, pushing her stronger arm back up to the opposite shoulder, standing up and twisting her arms above her head until she could bite and fiddle with the hand strap til it came free. She continued wiggling until she had the straps off, stepping on the sleeves after and ripping her arms free. There was surprisingly no guards around. Hm, she wondered why THAT WAS. Oh Daryl, the genius with timing. She smiled mockingly at emily. "Pardon me but I don't see him getting mad everytime any man looks at any woman he sees as temporarily useful." She stated, picking up her straight jacket, moving then slowly towards her, and she began to back up. Harley took the sleeves carefully, and moved until she could take the sleeves, kicking Emily in the stomach so she slid down the door, then tightly began to wrap the sleeves around his neck.

She snmirked and roughly pulled the sleeves until Emily became lifeless. Then, she switched clothes with her, coincidentally, they were the same size! Harley stuck HER in the straightjacket, and stuffed her up under the bed.. A grin on her lips as she put her hair up, put on some glasses, and exited as EMILY THE INTERN. She'd slipped off to find the staff area, keeping her ehad down until she was there, using the conceler she found in one ladys purse there to cover up her facial tattoos before she began venturing down the hall.

there, she found Daryl and Ron, both dressed up as- Robert and Frankie! She giggled and nodded, making them follow her to the Jokers room.

She unlocked the door using her FANCY NEW CARD, and entered.

"Oh Mister Joker, seems your girlfriends gotten herself into some trouble," She said with a fake accent-

She could play the role of a sane lady pretty well.

Joker grinned up at her from his position trapped on the floor.

Ahh, she was FREE.

"Well, don't you know, that's JUST the way I like her!" He cheered back, snickering joyously.

Oh, she was a SMART one - his Harley. It took them a little while to get him out of the straight jacket, of yorself, seeing as he'd recently been upgraded to the top TIER one. It had been a shame. He'd just about nibbled through to the middle of the other one.

Spoilsports.

"Get this, Harls! I'm so DANGEROUS they chained me to the fucking WALL!" Joker leered, parading about on the floor as if it were a competition he was winning. He wriggled about and whined restlessly while they worked on the ankle chain.

Eventually-

EVENTUALLY they managed to get through the chains, but the glorious ankle bit REMAINED.

He'd wear it like a trophy.

So now, for the thirteenth time this MONTH, Joker was strolling around Arkham Asylum topless, completely free from his cell.

Nobody seemed to notice, either.

J even turned to wave pleasantly at the security cameras.

"Harley, Harley, Harley, Harley-mine; how are we getting OUT?"

"Thats what bloo and darcy are here for," Harley told him with a hum, having gotten rid of that stupid doctors coat and the glasses as soon as she could."They have the henchmen surrounding this place breaking in as we speak. And that means were going to murder EVERYONE AND GET OUT!" It seemed eerily like the time she'd been strapped to a bed as Harleen.

Not that she could focus on that right now.

She grinned and leaned up against him, sighing quietly. "I missed ya puddin," She said quietly, moving to press little kisses to his jaw. "You didn't HURT y'self in there did ya? Y'okay?" She asked him quietly as the goons began setting up little bombs on the doors that would be locked, just enough that the locks would be BLOWN OFF which is what they wanted. No one was in the halls. The ones on this round had been killed. They were good, for now. Now it was a metter of getting the rest of the gang in there and getting tHEM out, thjats alllll it was, alllllll it was! "I broke a guys nose cause he tried to put me in a straight jacket. But I broke his nose so I think thats fair-" she paused. "And then bloo killed him and stole his identity and I think that he got what he had comin to him."

Joker pouted down at her as they walked, curling an arm around her. Something flared up within him (it was all so random, but that's how everything was for the joker).

He twirled her around and made her jump up to wrap her legs around his waist. Joker crushed his lips to hers and backed her up until she was back against a wall, and immediately began to ravage her neck.

"They must have, uh, done a lot of touching to get you in that JACKET," he explained, panting. J smacked at her bum, waited for her to jump down, and then just carried on as if nothing had happened. It was as if he'd never stopped walking. Reunion done with.

After all, they'd had guards talking about them as if they were something from a fucking romance novel.

No. Not when it came to Joker's reputation.

Regardless, Joker grabbed her hand to make her walk faster. He knew this place like the back of his hand!

His LEFT hand, that was, because he always wore his PURPLE glove on his right one. He missed that glove.

Where was his glove?

J made a beeline for lost and found, grabbed all of their gear and made Harley get changed with him in one of the cubicles in the staff bathroom.

Where WERE all the staff?

Some kind of a commotion could be heard very BARELY but it was still there - muffled by the distance and the many walls. Hmm. That wouldn't do. He'd promised old Stanley he'd slit the throat of everyone he'd ever known.

Joker had been about to exit the stall but froze. He'd glanced at Harley and seen Harleen.

Joker's scowl was LEGENDARY. He marched her over to the nearby sink and hold her in his iron grip while he filled it up, then forced her face into the water. He knew how long she could hold her breath for but decided to push it a little, just to keep the girl on her toes.

(she was of no USE if she was WEAK, now, was she?)

Joker let her go and sauntered off without her.

Where, oh WHERE was his buddy Stanley?

His eye caught sight of the name from the corner of his eye and then latched onto it. Stanley Wickers, Cell Block F. So that's where Stanley was SUPPOSED to be.

Just then, six guards ran into the room.

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Harley!" He barked. Like an obedient little guard dog, she was by his side at an instant.

... Right. He didn't need to communicate with her verbally for the plan to be made. He'd take the tall one and small one and the muscular one and she'd take the tall one and the fat one.

Harley had understood why he did it too. Which was the sad part. Once she'd been allowed to breathe, she coughed a little and sucked in acouple deep breaths before she rubbed her face off, making the tattoos there visible again. Along with her perfect white skin. She quickly trailed with him, she tilted her head, looked up at Joker, and shot him one of her crazy little smiles.

She also paused to pinch his hip. Which was almost her way of betting him that she could kill her two before he could. Loser usually got tattooed by the other one. She then moved herself to jump up, locking her legs around the tall guys neck. When he began to spin to get her off, she took it to her advantage to grab the fat one, dragging him in to head but him roughly before she had sat up and jerked her body, keeping her thighs locked around the guys neck. The jerk caused his neck to twist at an awkward angle and took him off guard.

She used that too her advantage too. Using all her body weight she swung herself forward a bit more to latch onto the fat one, who stumbled to get out of her grip and in the process, caused her POWERFUL FUCKING THIGHS tO SNAP THE GUYS NECK. Perfect, one down, one to go. Harley had rolled from the falling body and snagged the gun and baton off his hips in the process, standing and clearing her throat. She pointed her gun at his feet, shot them a couple of times before she proceeded to sit on his chest and CHOKE HIM WITH THE BATON.

What a little sadist.

Joker, as was their routine, allowed Harley to go first and act as the little distracting spectacle that she was.

Ah, that girl...

He used his targets' shock to his advantage. Ducking and snaking around Harley and her victims as she worked on them, he used a biro to stab right through the tall one's hand - essentially pinning her right to the table. She screamed in horror and immediately just, right then and there, fainted.

Why on EARTH had she taken the JOB, then?

Joker blinked at the guard, ducking casually to avoid Harley as she went flying over him, still latched onto her prey. Joker snatched up the taser and the handcuffs from the fallen guard's belt. He ducked once again - this time to avoid the bodybuilder guard's right hook, and sidestepped him just as casually.

Really?

Was this Arkham's SECURITY TEAM?

How were the people supposed to feel SAFE from people like HIMSELF and HARLEY?

Joker tutted and used a paperclip to jam the taser and keep it going on CONSTANT full lethal mode. When J had sidestepped the bodybuilder he'd tripped him, and now he simply dropped the taser onto his back, as if he were discarding an empty crisp packet. Joker wiped his hands off on his prison bottoms, and glanced up to the remaining guard, who was standing there staring at her fallen colleagues.

Was she really not even going to TRY?

Joker punched her in the face and grabbed her knife. Harley was still strangling the second guy at this point. She'd be a little while.

J took this precious, precious time to properly slit the throat of every single security guard in the room. He'd made a PROMISE to his friend, Stanley.

Joker always kept his promises.

As he was feeling extra generous, he decided to cut their faces off and pin them to the bulletin board.

There! Now they could watch over their darling staffroom forever.

Harley finished strangling the guy and stood up, bouncing over to admire Jokers art work. "Nice work, puddin." she told him with a grin on her lips before she turned on her heel, placing the baton, covered in blood, on her shoulder as she left in those cute shorts and the nice tank top she came in. Which was also covered in blood. Her eyes danced about the hallways, humming as she did. She even had a little SWING in her hips- something that only ever happened when she was happy! She was happy now, happy that she was reunited with her joker, that she was free of that pesky thing. "Ykno puddin, in the off chance we end up back here, y'really gotta learn how to escape those pesky jackets," She told him. "The key is when they're puttin it on ya, if y'concious, tense up reaaaaaaaal hard, and nip it together in the front. It gives y'extra room when you relax and you release the pinched part." She told him. "Then its just a matter of wiggling around until the damn straps are gone.."

She explained basically how she got out. "I strangled little miss EMILY with the sleeves of mine.. Kinda IRONIC as she was probably one of the ones who SUGGESTED IT." She hummed. She spun around to face her Joker, walking backwards. "She had this.. this IDEA that you'd toss out your Harley whenever some other preeettty girl comes along." As if he didn't need her.

He needed her. She knew he needed her.

He did, right?

She felt a bit uncomfortable then, shoulders going a bit slacker and she turned so she was walking properly again, just dangling the baton at her side as she began to think.

Joker was walking ahead of her, rolling his eyes at her paranoia.

"How DID you take out PRETTY, young Emily?" He asked. He was winding her up. He knew he was winding her up.

Honestly, he didn't even know why he was doing it.

EMILY had been pretty, but she'd ALSO been the type of person to find SANE people attractive. She'd been STUPID enough not only to directly approach and be manipulated by The Joker, but to go right up to Harley Quinn and make the woman JEALOUS.

And EMILY had thought HIM insane?

Joker was barely listening to Harley's jealous, paranoid ranting now, he was scanning the surroundings for clues as to WHAT could be going on out front.

They rounded the corner to find the CCTV office. Oh, look - Joan was sat right there.

Joker slit her throat.

He slit all of their throats.

There wasn't TIME for the faces.

Joker pressed at a few buttons, still ignoring Harley's clinging and rambling and questions and what-not.

He was THINKING. Nothing else was REAL when he THOUGHT.

"Huh," he said aloud, though it was barely audible above Harley's insanity. He'd switched it to the outside cameras - only to find hundreds of their very own henchmen just about ready to breach the gate.

Joker borrowed Harley's bat and smashed up all the equipment in the CCTV room.

Upon arriving outside to find all (but three) members of Asylum staff dead on the floor, he raised his arms up and shouted,

"EVERYONE GET'S A RAISE!"

Joker's luck really WAS turning around, because THERE was his best friend STANLEY! He'd shit himself upon seeing The Joker.

What fun he'd have in The Funhouse.

Harley had huffed a little, but had followed him nonetheless. The small girl grinned when all the henchmen seemed to get happpy about the announced raise. She moved over to pat at Daryl, who was still dressed as poor Robert. "Why thank ya roBBIE for helpin out with the plan and breakin us free of this nutter" She praised him, went as far as to ruffle his hair like she would if he was kid.

Even if "Robbie" was almost a foot taller than her.

She was HARLEY QUINN. The henchmen bowed down to let her ruffle their hair.

They were trained nicely, Harley decided, and turned to her Puddin. "Well then, Puddin, whats the first thing you wanna do now that you're a FREE MAN again?" SHe asked him. He'd probably want to get into some normal clothes. Then cause some more chaos, or maybe he'd want to go home and try to get a real nice SLEEP.

Harley hadn't had a good sleep in days. Constantly awake cuddling that pillow for dear life wondering if he was sleeping well. Constantly worried if he was going to be okay. Constantly worried about him being in a straight jacket. She was constantly just.. Empty and full all at once and she couldn't sleep when her mind was alive and buzzing like that.

Harley decided she would like to go home and have Joker lay on her like he always did, and to play with his hair until they were both sleeping, good.

It wasn't until they were actually AT home that Joker remembered WHY they had been robbing the bank in the FIRST PLACE.

"Harley-kid," Joker spoke in a sleepy, husky tone, half asleep with his head on her lap, "what happened with Operation Banana Split?"

Quite obviously he meant their mind control scheme. The fucking BANK HEIST had only been a blasted cover up for the others to get the drug into the main water supply.

SO. HAD. IT. WORKED. OR. NOT?

Joker scrambled up from the bed, grabbed up his phone, and-

"Pammy-doll, did it-"

Ivy was (predictably) not willing to talk to him, and so Joker rolled his eyes and threw the phone at Harley's head. It smacked her (not that hard) and bounced off into her lap. It laid there until she picked it up again and got the answers Joker had been looking for.

Joker grumbled indistinct things about venomous plant-women and kicked at the prison clothes they'd left laying around on their bedroom floor.

Very, VERY quickly, J got bored and needy, and so he sprawled himself out on Harley's lap again, trying to listen in on the conversation Harley and Ivy was having. No such luck. Hmm.

Still eager for more attention, he began to draw invisible things on Harley's legs. Only remaining INVISIBLE until he actually went and got a pen. It was fairly obvious that if Harley didn't stop him, he would quickly make the leap and go fetch the tattoo pen.

Harley and Ivy had started chatting away about shopping, of course she hadn't asked her about the operation yet because she aws BUILDING UP to that. Then, Ivy had switched the conversation to their prison time. Harley wiggled at his touch, swatting at his hand when he tried to draw on her thighs with the pen.

"How was it?" Ivy asked, Harley letting out a huff.

"They put me in a straight jacket," Harley mumbled with a deep frown, hand brushing back over Jokers back sloiwly with a low grumble.

"Did'ya kill em?"

"Obviously."

"Obviously- so I'm guessin you wanna know about how the operation went?" Ivy inquired.

"Of course I do, Pammy! Puddin's just iiiitttcchhin to know whats goin on!"

"Mission successs."

Harley beamed and excitedly patted at Joker, tossing the phone up in the air.

"Mission sUCCESS PUDDIN!"

Joker let out a "wOOHOO" and ran over to squash his face up against the window, hands places flat against the glass, too, trying to spot erratic behaviour from their penthouse apartment.

Oh, well would you look at that-

City Hall was on fire again.

It seemed like they never quite manage finishing the rebuild on that thing before it gets destroyed again.

Still pressed up against the window like a toddler hyped up on sugar on Christmas Eve, Joker began his slow, terrifying cackle. He stepped back from the glass and threw his hands up above his head, eyes closed. Oh, what a TIME TO BE ALIVE!

"Grab your favourite weapons, Harls. We find ourselves the newly appointed conductors of The Mayhem Parade! Lets just hope My Chemical Romance don't see us on TV and fancy a lawsuit!"

Yes, The Joker DID know who My Chemical Romance were. He liked their single 'Blood'.

That was about as far as Joker's appreciation for music went. The stuff was always chock full of ulterior motives and it always just DISTRACTED him. As many, many knew - J was distracted ENOUGH.

Arriving outside and dressed up in his favourite, BESTEST suit - Joker was delighted to receive his gold plated AK-47. Ah, these brainwashed piglets knew this clown so, SO WELL!

He'd offer them another raise if he was a man who followed the law.

Harley began to laugh a little, then louder, faster. She bounced up off the bed and got herself dressed in those cute, tiny shorts of hers, and the 'Daddys lil monster' shirt she FAVORED SO MUCH. She put her hair up in pigtails and moved her body to grab her "good night" hammer and quickly followed her Joker downstairs, where she was given her custom hand gun too. She beamed happily and moved to kiss Jokers jaw gently. "Oh tonights gonna be sooo fun puddin!" She grinned, and had bounced outside after, her eyes flicking around. There were sounds of explosion, screams and sirens. She turned , putting her bat along her shoulders and holding it on each side of her head, a grin on her lips.

"We gonna run this city tonight?" She hummed the question, very well already knowing the answer to the question as she fetched some bubble gum from one henchmen, popping it into her mouth and chewing it until it was good enough to blow a bubble.

And she did, when it popped she simply sucked it back into her mouth, turning on her heels to begin walking towards the car, one of the henchmen quickly running after her with her 'Property of the Joker' Jacket- Joker would probably not be too impressed if she was running around showing off too much and not promoting the fact that she was very, very much taken.

He'd probably be pretty, pretty mad.

But he'd also be killing people and causing chaos and mayhem and it probably wouldn't matter too much. He might not have even noticed- but the henchmen knew that they still had to make sure she could cover up if she needed/wanted to- otherwise they would get into quite a bit of trouble.

Joker found he didn't have enough hands so he held a grenade in his mouth. What had he even done THAT for? What had he been planning to-

Joker averted his gaze curiously down to the hand he'd freed up and found a very dangerous, very expensive and (currently) unlit firework. Oh. The Joker was a man who astonished even himself very frequently. What a mystery he was to himself.

He'd still need a free hand to light the firework...

Completely forgetting the henchmen (they were that inconsequential to J) that were following at a decent distance behind them, Joker skipped over to Harley instead, and held the firework out for her to light. Seeing as it was the GENTLEMANLY thing to do, and ALSO that his lady love's pigtails seemed to be extremely, very HIGHLY flammable - Joker handed the firework off to a henchman and very hastily dragged Harley out of the way.

Quite predictably, the henchman blew up along with the firework.

Now, with what happened next, Joker wasn't sure if it was the extremely LOUD and raucous combined sound of his and Harley's maniacal laughter, or if it was the firework ITSELF acting as a flare, but SOMETHING they did attracted the attention of the newly mindless MASSES.

What a perfect opportunity for him to use this damn grenade he'd been holding on to. Dragging the pin out with his teeth, Joker tossed it at the small mob very casually, and wiggled his fingers at them,

"Bye-bye!" He called out cheerily, and (as is a GOOD boyfriend's obligation) extended an arm out to shield Harley from the blast. Joker himself grinned right at the face of the explosion, he cocked his AK-47 up moments later and dealt with the stragglers.

BOOM. Headshot.

BOOM. HEADSHOT.

He'd ALWAYS been good at target practice with TIN CANS! Shooting this lot was practically the same thing, now that their minds were empty in a more LITERAL sense than they had been before!

He could have written a poem about it.

J was reminded of the time he'd gifted Harley a snake. He'd even left her a little love note!

It had read;

"Dear sweet Harley,

Enjoy my snake. It is long and skinny and easy to take!"

Ah, he was such a HOPELESS romantic.

Harley was watching him, giggling and clinging onto him, Then, she was moving to shoot people herself, loving it, and loving the chaos of it all. She leaned her head back a little and let out a loud laugh. Things were going to be an absolute blast tonight! Harley couldn't wait, she could not wAIT.

She moved around carefully, moving around her JOKER and kissed his cheek happily. "Lets move deeper into town, Puddin!" She explained, and tugged him off. The closer they got, the more mindless came after him, and she was excitedly shooting them down. Then, she threw off her gun to a henchmen and whipped out her bat, beginning to violently bEAT PEOPLE DOWN! Oh she was having SOOO MCUH FUN! TOO MUCH!

"Oh Mistaaaaaaah JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ~" Harley sing songed happily, head tossed back a little and grinning widely. "Whats the next part of the pLAN? We uh- we can't.. exactly.. Kill everyone in the city if we wanna RULE them~" She pointed out, lifting a bloody bat to rest it against her shoulder, hand falling to rest against her hip.

She'd been waiting when someone had quite literally fallen against her back. Harley took a couple steps forward, in the process removing the bat from her shoulder, turning and swinging it roughly. It took the guy in the head, and sent him flying over. Poor guy didn't have any ability to stand in the first place but seh just made it way worse.

Joker raised one of his immaculately hairless eyebrows at the individual who'd had the gall to droop themselves all over Harley's back. He'd wanted to shoot him, or SOMETHING, but Harley was being selfish with her toys and not sharing. Well, TWO could play at thatta GAME!

Joker raised his gun and sprayed an inordinate amount of bullets into the chest of the woman who Harley had just been about to smack over the head with her bat. Harley gasped and narrowed her eyes at him. Joker raised his eyebrows back at her.

See? The game was played. There were TWO PLAYERS.

He gave her a nasty, GOLDEN grin.

She did have a point, though, that clown girl. They needed to stop murdering their drones.

"In order to RULE them, Harley, we simply need to give them the idea that WE are the authority! These morons have spent their lives under a GOVERNMENT and as active members of SOCIETY and so they are programmed to obey and flop around like helpless fish until they're given some BIZARRE sense of ORDER!"

With that, Joker hopped up onto a nearby car and became the ruler of the masses.

It was no fun all alone, though, and he liked his slaves to obey Harley, too, so he hoisted her up onto the car with him,

"RANDOM, DEAD INSIDE CITIZENS OF GOTHAM; WE ARE YOUR RULERS. IN OUR NEW HIGHLY :: :: 'SOCIETY' WE DEMAND NOTHING BUT GAGS, GIGGLES, THE AUTOMATIC ASSAULT ON ANYTHING TO DO WITH BATS AND A MINDLESS NEED TO DO EVERY LITTLE THING WE SAY! GET IT?"

They got it.

Honestly, this lot were like... zombies. It was pretty thrilling! And-

WAS THAT WOMAN ACTUALLY /DROOLING/?

Well! Such high standards, his new slaves had!

It was pretty unfortunate that Batman had chosen that exact moment to show up and start bossing people around. The horde immediately turned on him and began with feeble attempts to beat him up.

Joker cocked his head in disappointment. He thought they'd somehow be more effective. Instead, they were like... nothing...

J supposed they'd work as a distraction.

Harley was all curled around him and quite obviously weak at the knees after his speech, so she'd probably be pretty useless in THIS situation. Joker sighed and lit a firework and threw it into the crowd.

Batman got out of the way just in time and THE SAINT even took as many DRONES with him as he could.

Rats.

"Joker! What is this?!"

"The Revolution, my dear little Batsy!"

Harley was happily swooning over her dear puddin, hands on her cheeks. But of course batsy was interfering again. Her smile dropping into a frown as she dropped down from the car, bat on her shoulder as she glared over at him. "C'mon batsy! Stop being so MORAL all the time!" She complained, swinging her bat to trip one of the mindless with a giggle, henchmen at the ready to try to help take down bats. She then moved to trail her fingers up jokers arm, a small hum leavin her. "Maybe we should make them slightly less incapable of fighting. Train them like we do our henchmen," she hummed and tapped her chin. "Think we could get ol' batsy under our spell too?" She grinned, and batman shot her a disapproving look. "Just imagine it, puddin. BATMAN, doin our dirty work!" She encouraged him excitedly.

Joker tilted his head at the sight in front of him, Batman being lightly wailed upon by useless... spineless type people. Harley was right. They needed training. But how to-

Who gave a shit? Batman had just survived a DIRECT firework attack! What a champ!

"Batsy, have you ever considered a career in wrestling? No?"

Joker ducked to avoid Batman's right hook, frowning. "Come ON, Bats. Relax a little! We're not doing anything WRONG-"

"You're somehow controlling the minds of every single person in Gotham!"

"Mmm... mhm, yeah. I suppose that's right, Bats, but, uh- do you just not DRINK WATER? DO YOU BATHE?" Joker yelled at Batman all shrill and insane-like (the way that catches him off guard) and basically distracted the poor fool long enough for Harley to sneak up behind him and whack him over the head with her bat. The freak hadn't even realised he and Joker had been standing on the cliff's edge! Now he had NO choice but to become a minion. Gotham's water was VERY highly contaminated. Joker sighed breezily as he stared down at Bats just floating around in the water below like a little, freakishly large - possibly on steroids ANGEL.

"Harley-baby, have I mentioned that I like you?" He cooed, cupping her cheek for a moment. Joker stepped away from her, and in one overly exaggerated motion, crossed his arms over his chest and tapped at his chin with his index fingers, "Hench-goons, find some way to train up the useless drones, would you?" He called out to the henchmen IN GENERAL and then offered his arm for Harley to take.

"You and I have some business to attend to with Penguin. Seems we owe fish-face some money."

Harley began beaming as he spoke to her, leaning into his every touch carefully. Then, she looked around and nodded her head. "We gotta pay Pammy a visit too!" Harley told him with a small smile on her lips that just kept growing. They'd done it! Taken over Gotham! It was theirs now! They could do whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted and get away with it! Unless it was one of the few they were working with.

Briefly, Harley remembered joker had promised to killCroc for wha he said about her.

What a romantic!

Harley grinned and hooked her arm happily with him, bouncing off with him while one of the henchmen tried to give her a jacket, mumbling something like "miss Quinn please just cover up" while she batted him away.

Literally.

Joker had selected his personal favourite (he had no idea who was who or who they were) henchmen and got them to take himself and Harley directly to Penguin's... lair... thing.

It was that stingy old museum Downtown with the full-to-scale ice room where the penguin exhibit had been. Of course, NOW, they had a REAL Penguin exhibit in the form of one Oswald Cobblepot. The tiny little bird-man sat there all day just... eating fish WHOLE.

What a weirdo, right?

Blegh.

Still, they owed him some money and Joker was a man who NEVER broke his promises (except sometimes to Batman - like the time he'd promised he WASN'T going to kill the hostages and then did, and ALSO like the time he'd PROMISED Bats he wouldn't cut the cables to the elevator Batman was in but then DID).

"Would you like the WHITE WINE with the fish, SIR?" Joker yelled as loudly as he could. How could he be expected NOT to? Everything ECHOED in the ice room! As was expected, the silence that followed was then punctuated by Harley's maniacal giggles. And what DEVILISHLY HEAVENLY giggles they were. The mirth of a MADWOMAN.

Cobblepot was NOT impressed. He was NEVER impressed. He WAS exasperated, though.

"Where's the dosh you owe me, then, JoKER?" - He always, always, always pronounced J's name like that, with the little rise and the 'JokAH!" type thing at the end.

Joker grinned and bowed,

"Relaaaaaax, Cobbles, my lovely assistant here simply needs to press a button and the money is IN YOUR ACCOUNT!"

"What's wiv' all the waitin', then?"

"Ah, ah, ah! Your money is but a PRESS OF A BUTTON away!"

"For fuck's sake, JoKAH! Get your silly broad to push the damn button, then!"

"Oh, Ozzy! Were you a DOCTOR at Arkham Asylum?"

"Wot? 'Course not!"

"Have you ever outFOXED Batman?"

"Why, yes I-"

"No, Cobbles! You haven't! Tell me - were you AWARE that this 'silly broad's' IQ is greater than the total sum of steps you've taken in your life?" Joker gestured towards Harley with his thumb as he spoke, putting a hand next to his mouth as if to cover it to hide a great secret,

"You insultin' me, JoKAH?"

"No, no, no, no, Cobbles! I was SIMPLY teaching you a very, VERY valuable lesson in NOT antagonising those higher up on the food chain!"

"You sayin' you're BETTER 'an me?"

"Say, for example, you are, of course, the PENGUIN and I am... the POLAR. BEAR." Joker shot a bullet into the chest of the two henchmen Cobblepot had lurking when he said the 'POLAR. BEAR.' part. I know! HE thought it was full of drama and flair, too!

Poor little Cobbles was shaking in his seat.

"Alright, ALRIGHT! I geddit. I won't go slaggin' off your dame again. Just gimme my money!"

"Pinkie promise, beak face?"

"You wot?"

Joker skipped forward and held out his pinkie. "Pinkie promise."

Surprisingly, Cobblepot agreed to the pinkie promise. Unsurprisingly, Joker broke his little finger.

"OW! JUST GIMME MY DAMN MONEY, YOU FREAK!"

With a flourish, Joker signalled for Harley to press the button, and then the debt was PAID.

With Harley on his arm, they skipped right out of that creepy old museum.

Harley had grinned at her lover as he casually defended her, sending a wink in penguins direction. As they left, Harley moved herself perfectly out in front of him, kissing him nice and slow for the moment, leaning herself up against him and draping her arms over his shoulders. "We did it puddin. We got the whole town at our mercy- even batsy himself! If of course, he didn't drown." She shrugged and began to pepper kisse along his neck. "Were at the TOP OF THE FOODCHAIN! Ain't nobody who can take us down now," she giggled delightfully, nuzzling her nose into the skin of his, happy as can be and totally head over heals for her evil mastermind. "Y'such a GENIUS mistah j!"

Joker put a hand to her back and wrapped another up in one of her pigtails. There was a certain amount of affection he could APPRECIATE and then in extension to that he could TOLERATE and then there was the level Harley was getting to that made him NAUSEOUS. He yanked roughly at her cutesy little pigtail to make her CUT IT OUT. Mouth positioned in a grimace, he brushed himself off, fairly sure her candy floss perfume was lingering all over his suit.

"WHY do we have to go see Pamela?" He asked - he sounded actually very PROPERLY formal, for once, not jovial or humourous or like a presenter or a circus master - he sounded SANE.

He disliked Poison Ivy that much.

His nose wrinkled up at the thought of her.

He could always let Harley go see her alone, but then...

Nah. That couldn't happen.

"Well she DID help with the plan, puddin. We sorta owe it to er." She pointed out, reaching up then to fix her pigtail from his tug. "We oughta thank her!" She decided with her arms crossing after, spinning on her heel and moving to the car, pulling open the door to look at her joker. "I can go in alone if you don't wanna be around er puddin. I know how much you two don't reallllly LIKE each otha. I mean maybe if you stopped prankin her she wouldn't hate ya so much! But we all know that ain't gonna happen annnny time soon." She sighed and patted her chin with her finger. "The ONE thing a girl wants is for her best friend and her boyfriend to get along, but at least yous can be civil.. For the most part." Harley knew why joker didn't like ivy. Because Harley ran off with her once when they broke up.. They were a good team and ivy no doubt still liked Harley. And Harley knew why ivy didn't like him- because he 'didn't treat her right' and because he was a psycho maniac and because she deserved better and well, more things further down that lane

That and... He always pranked her.

Joker narrowed his eyes at the suggestion and, wordlessly, got into the car. He sighed and knocked with a ratta-tat-tat on the separator glass - signalling for them to get going. Bloo knew where he was supposed to take them.

He eyed Harley suspiciously as they drove. She was her happy-go-lucky self, but he just... couldn't tell... if she was...

They passed a dead body and he was instantly distracted.

Joker supposed it said a lot about how much he disliked the plant woman that his attention returned to the current conundrum. The THING that IRKED Joker the most about that grass snake was that she liked to harp on and ON about how Joker ABUSED Harley and didn't treat her RIGHT and smacked her AROUND sometimes and that Harley deserved BETTER and yet...

Joker knew for a fact that Ivy had ALSO smacked Harley around and treated her like dirt when SHE got as annoyed with the girl as the Joker sometimes did. The KEY DIFFERENCE was that Ivy... would always... put her plants... above Harley...

Joker would never save a daisy instead of his leading lady. What did THAT say?

The point was the venomous bitch was not ONLY venomous but a raging hypocrite who had USED and ABUSED his favourite TOY. It said A LOT about Harley's... influence... on him that he hadn't killed the woman a LONG time ago, just for that. Joker began to shake a little with the RAGE that came over him at the thought of Ivy slapping HIS HARLEY around.

"Harley..." Joker began, but immediately felt nauseous over what he had been about to say and gagged instead, shaking his head viciously and turning to stare pensively out of the window - nails tapping creepily on the window.

Harley paused and looked over to him. She'd been attempting to rub out some blood on her underwear like shorts. "Mistah j?" She asked curiously, shifting to crawl across the seat and plant herself perfectly next to him, her head falling to the side as she gazed up at him with a small hum of curiousity. "Y'okay?" She questioned. She was wonderin what had made him start gagging a little. He obviously ha something to tell her but the idea seemed to make him sick,

Was he about to tell her that he loved her? Sometimes trying to that made him sick. She moved her hand to wipe a bit off blood off his cheek with her thumb, simply sucking it off her thumb after she got it off, a smile coming to her lips. "We don't gotta go seem Pammy if you ain't feelin up to it, y'know. I can always give her a call when we gets home if that'd be more favourable for ya." She reasoned quietly. Of course she'd rather go SEE Pammy, but.. Her joker came above her friends.

They'd already pulled up outside Ivy's greenhouse. Joker sneered and bashed his head against the window.

With a ferocity behind his movements, Joker turned to Harley and pointed at her, wagging his finger,

"Don't you get it twisted. Poison Ivy is JUST. LIKE. ME." He seethed, shaking quite visibly with the anger (?) behind his words. He'd heard Harley talk about him smacking her around before, but not ONCE had he ever heard her talk about Poison Ivy in the same way. Still shaking, Joker took hold of Harley's hands, not meaning to, but definitely crushing them in his vice like grip. His eyes were wide and urgent, "SHE hits you, too! She calls you names and COMPETES with you and USES you! You see, Harley," Joker was CLEARLY unstable, "If there were two speeding cars SIDE BY SIDE LIKE two peas in a pod and were BOTH about to go RIGHT off the edge. Just READY to tip RIGHT off, Harls - SHE would save the one filled with plants! Don't you fall for her CRAP, HARLEY-"

Joker had been about to ramble on some more in his unusually vulnerable and desperate state, but a vine had just yanked the door open and Poison Ivy was standing there, hands on her hips, glaring down at him.

"Take your hands off her."

"Hello, Pammy," Joker growled darkly and stepped out of the car. He drew out his gun and aimed it directly between the plant-freak's eyes.

"You have NO shame, do you, J? You'll just smack her whenever and wherever."

"Didn't your plant-parents teach you not to fuck with crazy people? It's NO different just because YOU hit her with VINES."

"Oh, we BOTH know who would win in a fight between US."

"Oh, YES. Batman!"

"Your obsession with Batman ENDANGERS her every single day!"

"The QUEEN of plants doesn't have much ground to stand on, dear. Come down from your high and mighty throne before I BURN you down to size... it'll all get PRETTY UGLY when you realise just. how. alike. we. are."

"Don't you EVER liken me to YOU!"

Joker reached into his jacket and brought out a 'dummy's guide for dealing with being a hypocrite' and threw it at Ivy. Yes, he really did have that made and carried it around in case he'd ever need it. This moment was, in fact, a blessing.

Ivy screamed in rage and shot a plant towards him. Without even blinking, Joker shot it right outta the SKY.

"Treating me to a little TARGET PRACTICE, Ives? NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A CLOWN, BABE!"

The manic laughter began. If Harley didn't interrupt, it was clear this would escalate into a full blown WAR.

Harley watched with wide eyes before she quickly darted out between them, pushing Ivy back from Joker, placing her hands on her hips as she stood between them. "Ivy he wasn't doin anything wrong- he just doesnt realize sometimes that he's got a bit more strength that I do when he does specific actions- it doesnt :: ::." She told her, before she spun towards Joker to look at him. "Mistah J, please, calm down." She asked, her tone a bit softer than the one she used with Ivy as she took a couple steps towards him. "I know what she does, how she treats me, trust me, I lived through it." She paused, she didn't know how to finish that off. "I don't favor her over you, Puddin. If thats what you think, then you're very, very wrong. I wouldn't ever favor ANYONE over you. My choice will always be you, as long as you let it be that way." She told him. Her little bursts of saneness had come back into her words to try to get him to realize that she was telling the truth, she'd always go back to him as long as he'd take her back.

"Yeah, we fight a lot, and you do smack me around.. And theres times you don't exactly treat me like the best.. But there are times that you do! Lots of times. Even if you don't.. Even if you don't say it a lot, that you love me, I know you do. You just don't always know how to express it," She then paused. "And I know if you had to choose between me and someone else your choice would be me-" she recalled the incident with Ivy, when she'd tried to get Joker too. "And if I ever did, if we ever did break up again, and I got with well, say, Ivy. I know you wouldn't try to get with her just to prove to me that you could," Her eyes turned to Ivy.

"He does have a point, y'know. You haven't exactly treated me too well either.. That's why you'll always be considered a friend and nothing more in the future, Pammy. Because even if you don't treat me right all the time, and you slap me around sometimes.. Just like him, but, he can admit he does it.. And the real difference that keeps things from changing, is theres very few circumstances where my Joker would choose something or someone else over my life. Where as you would choose something as dainty as a flower, and leave me to die."

Joker's grin had turned from chaos loving to SMUG. Ah, his wonderful little Harley. Where would his ego BE without her? Where would HE be without her? SIX FEET UNDER, MOST LIKELY!

As he was concentrating on being smug, J resisted the urge to cackle out loud at the itsy bitsy joke he'd told himself in his head.

He curled an arm around Harley's shoulders,

Rash-freak was saying something now,

"Harley..." she tried in that overly sugary, sultry voice of hers. Joker wrinkled his nose up again. The SMELL she exuded was getting to him. "Harley, don't you see he's controlling you?"

"What would be the fun in THAT?"

"I'm not speaking to you, Clown."

"If I so WISHED to control Harley, I'd have her drinking GOTHAM'S water, instead of BOTTLED water from overseas, fungus-brain!" Joker cheered. Even with all the madness in his words, it was clear he had made a VERY good point.

"... Fine. You'll regret this, Harley. You know you will."

Joker rolled his eyes. This wasn't even HUMOUROUS drama! This was just...

He was so uninterested in it he'd forgotten what he was going to say about it all. Sheesh!

Harley was allowed to say her piece (simply because he found it boosted his ego and entertained him ENOUGH) and then he shepherded her off into the limo again. Hadn't they come to say thanks?

Oh, YES!

"THANKS FOR ALL THE GOOD WORK, PAMMY! TOP JOB WITH THE MIND CONTROL!" He yelled and then stuck his tongue out at her, pressed a button that opened the shutter to the huge van the henchmen had parked up while they were all talking - hundreds of blatantly EMPTY recycling boxes poured out of the back - and then Joker jumped into the back of the limousine with Harley and hollered to Bloo to "STEP ON IT!"

They could hear the outraged shrieking for a while even as they made their hasty retreat. TALK ABOUT A DRAMA QUEEN!

Joker turned to Harley and petted at her cheek all affectionately,

"You really ARE a one loon kinda gal, aren't ya?"

Just because she had been SO good and loyal - Joker even pressed a kiss to her lips and then to her cheek and then her nose.

He ruined it a little by patting at her head like she was a dog and then spraying her with the water in his fake lapel flower.

Harley grew instantly happy at the love and affection, but then came the patting and the playful squirt. She scrunched her nose up at him and began to let out little giggles, rubbing her face. "Oh Puddddin." She cooed, smooching his cheek happily before she moved herself to carefully lay down, resting her head in his lap. She reached her hand up, taking his hand and beginning to fiddle with his fingers absent mindedly. "Of course I'm a one loon kinda gal," She told him. 'I got y'name tattooed on me- in lots of different places. You've tagged me as yours, hell I even wear a jacket that says I belong to you, Mistah J." She pointed out. "If I was unhappy with you, if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be here." She told him simply. "It's not like you don't give me the option to leave at times, to leave and not come back. Every single time we've fought and broken up you've given me the option to get out. I do take it, most of the time, for at least a day or two, just enough to get some space and some air, think about us and what had happened.. Maybe do some mass murdering and some robbing. Yknow, clear my head." She shrugged. "But I always come back, don't I? Sooner or later I'm back to bein your Harley.." She paused.

"Besides if I wasn't with you it'd be so boooring. Ivy's fun to be with but shes just not the same as you. And like you said, her plants always come first.. It don't feel too nice to know that you can't even out look a plant, most people would psychoplogically choose the more attractive thing to them, so I guess that would instantly mean that I'm uglier than some vines." She furrowed her eyebrows together. That wasn't where she had meant to go with that..

She cleared her throat, shrugging it off and rolling over onto her side, staring at the window that seperated them from the driver.

Joker scoffed and blew a raspberry,

"It's INTIMIDATION, m'dear. SOME women can't STAND others being more attractive than they are so they SNAP LIKE A BRANCH and take it out on the other woman!"

This was his way of telling Harley he thought she was better looking than Ivy was, of course.

It was a good thing Harley was able to read between the lines of the mad way he spoke, otherwise he'd never get his just rewards for the complicated compliments he dished out for her!

"Now, pooh, Croccy gets a LEASH instead of a THANK YOU-"

(it was true that Joker had manipulated things to get Croccy in trouble with Batman and had ALSO imbedded it into Batsy's sub-conscious that he needed to be leashed to the wall with an unbreakable chain like the WILD ANIMAL that reptile WAS and it was ALSO true that Joker had gone dancing down to the sewer afterwards, with his big polaroid camera and had done an exclusive shoot with Croccy himself)

Right on cue, Joker pulled the polaroids out of his jacket pocket and tossed them out to land scattered over Harley's chest. As she was playing with his fingers and rings, J only had one hand free and now used this (after the ceremonial tossing of the snaps) to play with her hair.

"-and Cobbles has been paid off, Pammy's been THANKED and Craney's currently locked up in Arkham..."

Joker let go off her hair and went to tapping his index finger on his chin, "As HIS thank you, we'll set him free!" Joker clapped and posed, waiting for Harley to praise him like the bonafide GENIUS he was.

Harley had leaned to press kisses to his hand innocently when he complimented her in that ltitle way that he did. She listened to him then, looking over the pictures as she gazed at the pictures, a grin coming to her lips. "That soundssss goooood.," She hummed happily. "We can go do that now right? Or do y'wanna wait and do that later on?" She asked excitedly. SHe tilted her head back to gaze up at him before she had moved to tuck the pictures back to him and moved to sit herself on his lap, beginning to play patty cake with his hands, her eyes resting on their hands movements as they moved together before she just began patting his hands. "Puddin, think we could go shoppin tomorrow? You need t'replace your old suit that got all bloody and I'm feelin some new make up n maybe some free ice cream." She hummed as she tilted her head cutely.

She was glad that Joker understood perfectly what she said before, about how she'd always go back to him, after all she loved him, she loved ihm so much and she always would, everyone knew that.

Joker cocked his head at her,

"All ice cream is FREE ice cream, Harley. We also have that restaurant's entire supply of ice cream, don't you recall? Bats was such a good sport, wasn't he? Helping us out like that! What a team player!"

Batman HAD, of course, been entirely distracted by the bomb, but this was a very minor detail to J.

He struggled, briefly, to remember what else Harley had said, playing around with his gun,

"We definitely need to get back to the asylum ASAP, kitten, otherwise the TEMPTING OF THE FATE runs out and then we just look COOL. It's simply not ENOUGH to merely look COOL, when you can play around with the beautiful irony all laid out and ready for the TAKING! Besides, if we don't go get Craney as soon as we can, he'll get all insulted and petulant and he's more annoying than YOU are when he get's like that!" Joker explained, not at all paying attention to the massively illegal U-turn he'd just caused Bloo to make when he'd mentioned they needed to go to the asylum. Joker pulled out his favourite switchblade and started to carve "SMILE" along with a smile just like his own into the blade (with another switchblade, of course).

For once, it hadn't ACTUALLY been Joker's fault that Harley's cheek had gotten cut when the car came to a sudden, lurching halt outside the asylum. Joker had only been perfecting his blade when the break had forced him forward.

With an irritated snarl, Joker leaned over, yanked the separator glass aside (forgetting Harley was on his lap, meaning she fell to the floor of the limo) and stabbed 'Bloo' first in the neck and then the side of the head again and again until he slumped forward and started the horn going.

Joker kicked viciously at the back of Bloo's seat until the corpse slumped sideways instead and cut the horn out.

J ducked down to the floor of the limousine, hiding from the guards outside the asylum. The guards didn't bother to come investigate and Joker and Harley were delayed because they decided to have sex on the floor of the limo before setting of for the asylum.

Once they were finally done, they snuck around in the trees and the forestry until they found the great big HOLE that led into the sewers (Croc's sewers) that the authorities didn't know about. Croc couldn't come bother them, this time, because he was all chained up! Such wonderful TEMPTING OF FATE.

Harley had been bouncing excitedly until they came to the sewers. The pouty girl crossed her arms, staring at joker. "I am sooo not going down into the sewer. Nope. Nuhuh. Not happening today puddin." She stated, reaching up to rub the bit of blood from her still bleeding cheek off. "And not with an OPEN WOUND! I might get a disease and end up some weird mutant creature like croc." She huffed, turning her nose up.

Of course this was just a tactic to make joker simply agree to carry her on his back. As it always was. She wasn't gonna trudge through the sewers in her favorite heels and with bare legs! What was he thinking? Probably wasn't thinking about that, actually? That was a more Harley cantered thought that only she would have. The girl took some steps back from the hole, staring at joker and waiting for him to either tell her to wait for his signal or to tell er to jump onto his back so that he could carry her.

Joker narrowed his eyes, a nasty snarl on his face. This girl...

J stepped forward and reached down her bra, rummaging around and giving the odd squeeze until he found what he was looking for and retrieved it. He applied the Hello Kitty plaster to her wounded cheek and picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

THIS entrance to the sewer luckily had no ladder they'd need to go down, and so Joker simply squeezed them through between the gates and carried on as jauntily as he could with a whiny, acrobatic blonde clown on his shoulder. Also - it began to ache after a little while, what with all the WRIGGLING and the KICKING said blonde CLOWN was assaulting him with.

Really, the THINGS he put up with!

Instead he dropped her without warning and caught her by hooking his arm underneath her knees, catching her just before she hit the ground. Joker swung her around and planted her on his back,

"You didn't complain when I pushed you off a SKYSCRAPER but come within three feet of this sewer and you will not SHUT UP!"

Harley had let herself be caught, huffing as she clung to him. "PEOPLE PEE DOWN HERE." She complained back. "You threw me out of a skyscraper but I didn't get covered in DISGUSTING PEE WATER." She huffed. "Besides I'm not wearing pants," she pointed out and nuzzled her nose into his hair to cover up the scent. "PLUS I am a woman of DELICATE SENSES and it ruins my sense of smell." She puffed her cheeks and held onto him again, quietly humming into his neck. She just wanted to get out of that sweet as quick as she possibly could. She knew joker didn't like when she complained about it but- could you blame her? Not many people would want to walk through a damn sewer and Harley was definitely one of the ones who DID NOT WANNA DO IT. "No more sewers after this, right mistah j?" She questioned him.

Joker rolled his eyes,

"I guarantee nothing," he said darkly - all cryptic like, and reached around to pinch at her bare bum cheek. Well, the kid hadn't been LYING, then. Delightful.

"Shall we go visit dear old Croccy and GLOAT and prod at him with a really, really long stick?" He asked, skipping along the path that ran right next to the dodgy, crummy water (it was used so often by criminals that there had been a special path made JUST for the like of them!).

This pathway was like their very own RED CARPET! And thus, The Joker treated it befittingly - waltzing his way down it with Harley on his back. He took the correct fork to go see Croccy, and gave the FURIOUS reptile a happy little wave,

"Croc-a-doccy! How's life treatin' ya?"

"Only you would be STUPID enough to come here knowing I'm MORE than ready to kill you."

"That's not... REALLY how manners work, Croccy."

"I'm going to tear your head clean off and feed the rest of you to THAT one." Croc's reptilian slits altered to Harley to indicate who he was talking about. Well at least he didn't FANCY her anymore.

"Positively charming, my good reptile."

"What do you WANT, beyond your own demise?"

"Well, Harls and I were JUST saying in the car that we were WORRIED about you down here, all alone, yet another VICTIM of BATMAN! Sooooo... we came to say hi!"

"You're a very good liar, but I can still smell it on you."

"Fair play! We came to gloat and prod you with a stick."

"And you thought you'd get out alive?"

"We're here to pay off a DEBT! You couldn't POSSIBLY murder two such individuals with SUCH good intentions!"

"So you're going to cut me free?"

"Who said anything about YOU?"

"You said you're here to pay off a debt."

"Yeeeees, but did I EVER say it was a debt to YOU? Did I, Harley?" Joker asked her, because he'd genuinely forgotten.

Harley had giggled a little as she sat snug on his back, shaking her head. "You didn't, mistah j." She assured him, patting at his chest. "And good LUCK tryna come kill us croccy! After all your leash ain't very long now is it?" She pointed out and rested her head on jokers shoulder delightfully happy. "I recall you bein the one afraid of mistah j earlier not the Otha way around." She was just teasing now. Kind of rubbing it in his face how amazing PERFECTLY STUPIDLY BRAVE AND FEARLESS her puddin was. Mostly to praise up him after complaining so much about the sewers. Maybe the next time she'd walk, but only if she was wearing pants, which right now, she wasn't.

She gazed up at joker then and bit his jaw playfully to snag his attention. "He's kinda like a.. Uh.. ZOO EXHIBIT ain't he? You think we could start a ZOO? Croccy here could b our MAIN ATTRACTION."

Joker gasped as if Harley had just announced she'd discovered the cure for cancer,

"I LIKE HOW YOU THINK, CUPCAKE! We could get that guy who's ACTUALLY half bat and then Bats would get all JEALOUS! And, and, AND we could get that MOTH GUY and the one who's the SHARK thing and it could be the world's creepiest, most dangerous and unhygienic zoo!" Joker was so overly excited by this idea that he almost forgot Croc was there and considered having his way with Harley right then and there. Luckily, the freaky reptile spoke up, and J was brought back to THIS of many, many realities,

"If you freaks are DONE, I just wanna ask if the girl actually knows how to walk."

"You really ARE very severely lacking in MANNERS, aren't you, Croccy? When you KNOW what someone's name IS you don't refer to them as a NAMELESS thing!"

"None of that made any sense to me, you whack job."

Joker brought out another one of the 'a dummy's guide to dealing with being a hypocrite' books and hurled it directly at Croc's head.

"You're only giving me more motivation to kill you."

"Croccy, you shouldn't be flirting with me in such an obvious way, you know. Harley is RIGHT HERE and she is VERY prone to jealousy. You shouldn't SAY these things to me in front of her."

And Harley, as if on queue to show she was quite the jealous little monster, pulled her gun out of fuckin no where, and aimed so she'd jus the crocs cheek, then fired it. Then, she simply hummed an cuddles back up to joker. "And FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I can walk it's just common knowledge that you can't let a PRETTY LADY walk threw such disgusting waters. Especially when she's not wearing pants. Especially then." She said, as if she was telling joker there was no way she was getting off his back even for a moment: "there's probably disease of ALL KINDS down heree-" she paused and bumped her nose to jokers ear. "Maybe we could turn the sewers into some form of TORTURE.. Stick em down here and block off all exits so they're just trapped with all the disease riddled creatures." She mused and then rested her head back on her jokers shoulder. "Croccy I wouldn't be so HOSTILE. You know puddin promised to KILL YOU once you stopped bein... Useful." She reminded, giggling as she raised the loaded gun to her temple, and then closed the eye closest to the gun, and imitated a little "bang" noise as she jerked the gun.

The girl was a bit too psycho for her own good.

Joker nodded very sagely at Croc, as if Harley was being very factual and nurturingly informative.

The pair of them came across as parents teaching their child it's wrong to throw rocks at bird nests. Croc's fury was clearly too much for him to handle, as he started to struggle about with the chain, yanking at it and roaring in outrage and just... BLEEDING everywhere.

Yuck.

Joker had reached up to stroke at Harley's cheek, still doing so as he watched Croc with the littlest of pouts,

"You'll get there one day, sport." He encouraged, almost :: :: because Harley had got him in some kind of affectionate mood. Croc roared at him and shook about so violently that Joker was surprised (disappointed) when he didn't break his own gigantic neck.

"Harley-poo, if we TRAPPED our beloved customers down here who would go out and spread the word and come back to spend MORE money, hmm? Who?"

Joker shook his head sadly at the sight before him. He sighed and chucked an electronic frag into the water, just for the spiteful sake of it all, and blew Croccy a kiss before turning on his heel and heading back up the path with Harley - heading off towards the asylum this time.

Harley nodded her head and hugge into his neck happily. "We gonna turn him into a zoo attraction or are ya still plannin to kill him, puddin?" She asked a genuine question. Both sounded like decent things to do, fun things. Joker actually did seem to genuinely like the idea of him well- you know, being a zoo creature. Her fingers stroked along his jaw, in gentle little movements. A smile on her lips as she did. "We could have sooo much fun with a zoo and it would attract TOURIST to out GORGEOUS town," she pointed out, tilting her head. "We could keep him for awhile just to HUMILIATE him until we got bored or the CUSTOMERS got bored of him; then you could kill him." She said as if thinking out an actual plot, her eyes sliding shut as they began on the path of their real and original mission. Harley almost had it forgotten.

Joker was skipping up the path, imagining countless skipping ropes ahead of him,

"I promise we'll look into the zoo thing, cupcake. Bats wouldn't be too pleased if we just KILLED the big reptile now, would he? Remember how long murder of other inmates gets you? Tooooo long, kitten. We've got drones to rule and bats to annoy and... whatever else..." Joker had quickly gotten distracted by the actual REAL LIVE bat that had just flown over their heads. He always wondered if SOMEHOW Bats had gotten all the little BATstards (that was an outstanding pun) on his side somehow. Even so, Joker shot it. Probably a little unnecessary, probably should have used a silencer, or something, but it wasn't like it was an OUT OF PLACE setting to shoot a gun! The guards all OVER the asylum would just assume it was one of their own firing at an inmate.

"Hmmm... whaddya say, Harls? LOUD or SNEAKY-SNEAKY?" He asked, two separate plans forming in his head.

Harley started thinking. "Let's start out SNEAKY OEAKY... And then get LOUD AS HELL?" She suggested, infiltrate and then let them know how EASY PEASY it was." He decided with a proud nod of he head before patting affectionately at his shoulder. "We almost to our entrance point, puddin? My thighs are startin to uh... Stick to your suit-" she hummed; wiggling a little uncomfortably as she did. Just to add emphasis. They weren't really starting to stick but it was gettin pretty uncomfortable down in that general area. "Maybe I shoulda worn some pant tonight-" she mused innocently as she tipped her head back to look around them. "Next time I'll definitely wear pants. Maybe I should get some more pants... New everything!" She hummed excitedly.

Joker found this to ring true, and seeing as his little Harley would likely be vaulting around and flipping about and breaking people's necks with her thighs pretty soon, he found it imperative that they find her some panties. Digging around in his jacket, he found a pair he'd... ripped off her the other day. Those would be... no... gooood.

Joker tossed them behind them and carried on until they reached the ventilation system. He watched as Harley... 'acrobatted' her way up into the vent and then grabbed the hand she offered to help him up.

He very quickly decided the whole no panties thing wasn't SO BAD, as he had an absolutely wonderful view from where he was crawling behind her. IN FACT, they had to stop just above the staffroom so that he could eat her out from behind, her moans and exclamations of "oH, MISTAH J!" filtering down into the staffroom compromised their sneakiness somewhat, but mostly just WEIRDED the staff out.

Joker snickered, blowing a raspberry to bring her to orgasm.

The things you could do in vents, these days!

They also had to stop just above The Riddler's cell so that Harley could return the favour. THIS exchange was a LOT quieter than Harley's had been, right up until The Joker shouted "YAHTZEE!" at the point of orgasm.

J was SURE he'd heard Nigma actually GAG, and had to allow HARLEY to clamp a hand over his mouth to muffle his insatiable LAUGHTER long enough to prevent them getting CAUGHT.

With all DISTRACTIONS aside, they made their way to Craney's cell and DRAGGED him up into the vents with them. ONLY after J had stolen some panties from the lost property bin on their way to the cell.

Harley had almost been outta breath when she'd been going back, of course, she was in front of joker, and Craney behind him, because, well, obvious reasons which had been the reasons for them taking SO LONG for them to get there.. She almost shivered remembering how he had eaten her out from behind- boy, that was definitely a new feeling! And it was fantastic- she almost cried! She had then, proceeded, to wiggle her hips in such a PLAYFUL MANNER. Joker was probably gonna punish her after this- but it would be s o damn wORTH It!

Harley was a bundle of quiet giggles when they dropped down from the vent, harley doing a acrobatic flip down into the staff area, throwing her hands up after. "Suuuuhhhhhprrrriiiiise!" She sing songed. "Were BAAAAHHHCK!" And then followed silence, the staff staring at her and Joker fell, oh so gracefully, from the vent and pulled Craney with him. Then came the panicked little murmurs as they began taking steps back. "Oh come on! Wheres the fight? The fun!? She exclaimed, and fiddled around until she had gotten her pretty custom gun out and shot a few fires at their legs.

Joker had kicked viciously back at Scarecrow a few times, constantly irritated that there was the slightest possibility he could see Harley's ass even from his position crawling behind Joker. So their journey back was punctuated with Harley's giggles and the occasional thump and frequent "ow!"s.

He honestly had no regrets.

And the HIP WIGGLING.

Harley-poo was not going to get off scot free with that one, but he had to admit he APPRECIATED it.

Joker landed with his arms out, posed to impress alongside Harley. He let her take center stage because she was doing SUCH A GOOD JOB OF IT! Really, he was PROUD. Scarecrow landed with a disappointing "oof" and Joker glanced back at him in disdain. He was RUINING it! If he didn't contribute to the combat, Joker would be forced to kick the guy right in the sack-face! It would be ALL HIS FAULT, too.

"Did you lot like the PRESENTS we left you last time?! Bombs in laundry baskets and toilets... faces on bulletin boaaaards..." Joker conversed happily with the staff as he shot them one by one right in the center of their foreheads and performed some FANTASTIC combo kills with his very own Harley. The staff were so bland and defenseless, too! This was due to old Craney's... gas... THING. Joker was a little disappointed he didn't have an excuse to kick the guy in the face so he kicked him in the knee, anyway.

"Come along, Harley! We've at least three more floors of staff to massacre! Keep up, kitten! Run as fast as you can on your little PAWS!"

Scarecrow made a distinct suffering groan-type noise and asked them to keep the PDA down. Joker smacked him.

Scarecrow looked surprised but couldn't exactly retaliate as his toxin thing didn't WORK on Joker and he was basically as good at fighting as a cooked NOODLE.

Harley had let out a little giggle as she quickly bounced along after her puddin, snagging his arm and boucning up to press a long kiss to his cheek. "You wanna MAKE A BET?" She asked him curiously. "Whoever slaughters TWENTY PEOPLE in FIVE MINUTES after we get to the next floor.." She began trailing off. "Well, we can decide on a prize for me- I mean, the winner, when it happens." SHe hummed and then she was darting off from him and up to the next floor, snagging a baton off the dead guard so that she could have all the fun of a bat without having her bat on her- it was still in the car. She shook the thought and rolled into the room-

literally.

Literally rolled in.

With shots firing! She shot a couple people in the chests, one in the head, then when she was out of bullets the girl resulted to PURE STRENGTH and began to violently beat people with the baton. She jumped up onto a table near by then flipped herself over onto one guys shoulders, bnalancing herself and letting out a laugh. "Look Puddin! I'm taller than you now!" She teased, before she tightened her thighs around the guy and began to make violent jerks to snap the guys neck effortlessly.

Harley's mistake had been resorting to the MELEE ATTACK the way she had. Joker's aim was BETTER than hers, anyhow. He'd spent MORE TIME on the firing range. He killed his 20th victim about a millisecond before she'd killed hers.

He rounded on Scarecrow and dragged the man over to Harley. He pointed a gun at the guy's head and-

Scarecrow was obviously used to this treatment. As if the gun wasn't even THERE, he stated,

"Joker won," and then continued to stroll through the security gate into the next section. Joker stuck his tongue out at Harley and darted off ahead of her.

"If you don't BELIEVE our COMPLETELY UNBIASED JUDGE, Harley-cakes, we'll dig up the PROOF from the CCTV room!" He cheered, skipping ahead. They joined hands and skipped off together while Scarecrow sighed and dragged his feet to follow after them. They were his ONLY HOPE of getting out of there.

He arrived in the CCTV room JUST as Joker was showing Harley the footage to show her he'd WON.

"I PROPOSE THE REWARD OF GARNERING THE ABSOLUTE HONOUR TO TATTOO WHATEVER I WANT ANYWHERE I WANT ON YOUR BODY!" Joker yelled at the top of his lungs. Scarecrow tried to hush the obnoxiously loud, bat-shit INSANE couple but they obviously couldn't comprehend anything beyond the two of them, so more security came running.

TIME FOR ROUND EIGHT!

"noTHIN ON MY FOREHEAD," She instantly retaliated, knowing a few times Joker had attempted to well, tattoo 'property of the joker' on her FOREHEAD. "Anywhere BUT THE FOREHEAD." SHe declared and then moved to press a kiss to his lips. "Anything anywhere else though!" She grinned and turned to casually KICK SCARECROW IN THE SHIN.

Turned out she seemed to have gotten over her fear of him.

Though just as quick as it happened, she spun and began to beat the absolute batshit out of all the guards who came her way.

annnnd one had made the mistake of touching her ass in an attempt of shoving her off him.

Bad bad bad bad badbadbabadbadmistake. Harley grew FURIOUS. BATSHIT. INSANE. She grabbed the taser from the guys hand and roughly jabbed it directly into his neck before she had brought her leg back and proceeded then to kick him in the head.

How dare he touch her partially exposed butt! Ho he!

Oh well, with a stamp on his neck a couple of times, he was definitely dead. Harley made her way on to one of the women who had a gun, kicking the gun out of her hand before she tackled the woman, sat on her chest, and began to bash her head in.

For the sake of being overly possessive and jealous and petty, Joker stopped to shoot the guy who'd touched her ass directly in the centre of the forehead. Apart from that, he let Harley take the guards who were at a closer range, while he took care of the ones further away. When he was done he kissed his gun and hip bumped Scarecrow who had just been... generally... wafting his... gas... THING... about...

Joker had no clue how the man was content with being so BORING. He literally had a potato sack on his head.

"Say, Craney, why DO you wear that potato sack on your head? You're a good looking guy! Isn't he, Harley?"

"PLEASE don't answer that, Harley," Scarecrow objected, knowing FULL WELL that if she said yes The Joker was likely to turn around and HURT him in some way. It was just...

Let's just say he'd been in this situation before.

Harley was a bundle of laughter as she looked up at Joker. "But if I do it'll be fuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnny.." Harley pouted, patting her chin. "well, you're not BAD LOOKIN but you're nothin compared to MY JOKER." She decided, be good enough to get Joker annoyed with Scarecrows very existence. She giggled then slipped away from them, her lower body was coated in blood from the many things she often did with her thgihs and her legs.

Briefly, could hear scarecrow murmur, "You ever nervous that she'll snap you in half with her thighs like she did here?" And she snorted. Sometimes, she thought about how he'd react if her legs got too tight around him.

She could probably crush his head between her thighs.

What power! She didn't really NEED it, but she new it. She was a bundle of little giggles again, fixing her pigtails and strolling towards the main lobby finally, and she took out the last few guards there before waltzing right out and then pausing. "Puddin.. I don't think we can let him get in the car," She said as she turned to him. "We didn't exactly clean up the MESS we made, yknow?" She was referring to the various new stains in the floor of the limo. "Plus the drivers dead-"

Joker tipped his head back and LAUGHED, patting Scarecrow a LITTLE TOO HARD on the back. Scarecrow winced and glanced around for more guards but it seemed that they'd killed ALL IN RANGE.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW FUNNY IT WOULD BE TO DIE LIKE THAT, CRANEY?! THAT WOULD BE A FABULOUS WAY TO GO!" Joker howled, clutching at his chest and wiping tears from his eyes.

He paused to consider Harley's points about the car.

Yeeeeessss... he hadn't really THOUGHT about how they'd get back. This was when Scarecrow said the FIRST helpful thing he'd EVER said EVER,

"I'll just get my guys to bring the helicopter."

THE HELICOPTER! OH, GOODNESS!

Joker let out an excitable cackle and ran over to scoop Harley up and bounce around with her,

"THE HELICOPTER, HARLEY! HE'S CALLING THE HELICOPTER!"

Scarecrow stared at the two of them, nonplussed. Somehow, he felt JUST like a single parent. God, he'd be TERRIFIED if his kids were ANYTHING like those two. He shuddered and pulled out the phone he'd retrieved from his items, locked up with the rest of his crap.

"Yeah.. bring the, uh, BIGGER helicopter, would you? We have some... guests..."

Joker bounced up to him again with Harley wrapped around him like an overly affectionate, extremely good looking snake,

"AND BRING SOME CANDYFLOSS!" He yelled into the phone, even though Victor had CLEARLY just hung up. He gave Crane a VERY serious, business-like look, "If he doesn't bring the candyfloss, I'm going to have to shoot him down while we're in the air."

Scarecrow SIGHED and called his heli pilot up again, telling him to bring candyfloss.

"YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, JOHNNY!" Joker shouted from up ahead.

Harley had giggled as she watched, Harley pressing little kisses to his neck and nibbling at his ear. "Whatt'ya got in mind for my tattoo, puddin? Anywhere but my forehead," She teased, giggling as she nuzzled at him. Harley was a bundle of little giggles as she tried to think about what he might tattoo on her.

The girl paused and reached up to touch the tattoo of a hickie he'd given her before. A snicker leaving her. What next, bite print on her butt?

She wouldn't put it past him.

She was sat happily on his SIDE now, almost like a child as she clung to him with a wide smile on her lips. She was so horribly in love with her Psychotic serial killer, and she knew that he returned it- why else would he tattoo that he owned her all over her body?

She remembered how much he'd gotten jealous that night, smile turning to a smug grin.

Joker jutted his lips out at her, eyes focused on her lips. He pouted at her, lips drifting closer to her everytime he took a step. It would be far too easy to get... sidetracked...

Joker blinked. Where was he?

A...S...Y...L...U...M...

No. NO.

"Harley... Quinn..."He murmured, eyes seeking her out and staying locked on her as the only form of comfort he had.

They'd... escaped...?

Escape. They had to do that. A little bird such as Harley shouldn't be trapped up in a CAGE.

NO SIREE.

Joker detached Harley from his side and threw her over his shoulder,

"Round and round and round and round and ROUND like a carousel it goes. Where does it end? Nobody knows... EEEEE-TERNAHLLY doomed to walk the corridors of not ONLY this place but of our MINDS... always twisting, always turning, always, always, always... there's no getting off this train..."

Joker didn't even have the slightest of clues WHERE he was going. He just needed to be OUTSIDE. He needed to GO. J needed to be...

No-one would kiss his ring here. Nobody bowed to him here.

Harley had squeaked as she found herself on his shoulder, laughing as she held onto him, playing patty cake by herself with his back. "Where's we goin puddin?" She asked him, her voice quiet n gentle. She just wanted to be with him, she didn't care where they went, who they were with as long as THEY were together. Them. Just them. Foreve tem.. She sighed happily and moved to nuzzle herself into his back, simply letting him carry her as he peased, she didn't mind. Her eyes looked around after as she got an idea, jerking up. "Puddin! We should.. We should... Go to a MOVIE! We haven't watched one a them in a LONG LONG TIME!" She suggested happily. "Somethin GOREY?" She suggested as she turned her head to look at him with quirked eyebrows, a grin on her lips.

Joker frowned, picking up on the sound of someone scurrying along behind them like a demented, skittish rat.

Scarecrow. What was Scarecrow doing-?

How LONG had he been there?

Clearly, Joker had completely forgotten their reason for being there.

"Harley... why is Craney here? You HATE Craney?"

Scarecrow at least had the DECENCY to look offended - though sack-face was obviously already aware of this. SPEAKING OF WHICH-

Joker lowered Harley to the floor and kicked at Scarecrow's shins so that he would fall to his knees. Joker held his hand out and waited for Crane to kiss the infamous 'J' ring - eyes fixated on him.

Harley watched him, giggling delightfully. "We helped him escape as a thank you for helping us control the town, puddin." She reminded him quietly with a small smile on he lips. Harley was beyond happy to be back with joker. After all they had been seperated for quite.. Quite some time. Which was te absolute worse- she wasn't use to being away from him. She quickly moved herself to joker again, latching herself onto him again. "Puddin." She cooed innocently. "Do we still have some REUNITING to do involving a tattoo pen...?" Tattooing usually ended in sex too.. Lots of their things ended in sex.

They were a very physical couple an it was bad and good.

No one but them enjoyed it.

Her eyes watched as crow slowly but surely kissed the j ring that he wore, a bundle of giggles left her.

Her king. And she was his queen.

Joker didn't react to ANYTHING at all until Scarecrow. KISSED. THE. RING.

Which he did... by pressing his weird potato sack mouth against it. Joker snarled momentarily and then switched to immediate SUNSHINES AND ROSES. He patted cheerily at Scarecrow's... sack... and grabbed both Victor and Harley by the hand and dashed off with them to the exit.

HARLEY WAS RIGHT. TATOOS AND REUNIONS WERE IN ORDER.

It was funny how he could remember that part with perfect clarity...

FIRST WAS THE HELICOPTER.

Scarecrow was clearly regretting this particular decision and ALSO vowing to NEVER ever let them use his helicopter again. It was ODD but Craney was weirdly SUAVE when he wasn't all demented and hooked on killing Batman. Weirdly... sane... tooo...

Joker narrowed his eyes at sack head.

Harley and Joker were a nuisance. They hung off the sides and sung too loud and danced on the open bit and made out there, too.

They were dropped off by their apartment, though. Craney seemed to be eager to confine them to a SPACE.

Which was fine. Which was good. Which was KOSHER.

Harley grinned nice and wide for him, a laugh falling off her lips once they were home. Harley dashed off to grab the tattoo supplies and even STRIPPED EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING OFF! She stood, completely and totally naked, before her joker. The girl shifted her weight to one foot and moved to place her hands on her hips, perfect body out on display for him. "Oh puuuuudddiiin~" she sang happily as she trailed her hands up over her stomach, a grin on her lips as she did. What a doll!

She was itching for his attention again, especially after the show he put on in the vents by eating her out from behind! What a hottie!

Harley giggled and raised the gun. "Whatcha plannin mistah jjjjj?" She questioned him happily.

Oh the ideas were comin and now sh was curious about what exactly the ATTRACTIVE PSYCHO was going to do to her, biting her lip and moving closer and closer.

Joker stopped short and frowned at her, taking it all in,

"Now... THIS..." He snarled and stepped closer, hands out in front of him as if he didn't know what to do or where to start with what he thought of her body. He often got stuck like this. Sometimes it just... overwhelmed...

Joker cocked his head, taking on a critical view now. What... did... he... want... to... print...

She needed to be his. It needed to be clearer. He knew this more than ever now, with her standing all stark naked in front of him.

He whined at the realisation he was only allowed one tattoo.

J drifted closer, tattoo pen in one hand, fingers wiggling in his other hand. This was ART.

But first... enough with the restriction. He stripped himself of his shirt and blazer. NOW THIS WAS FREEDOM.

NOW HE COULD THINK. VISUALISE. FEEL THE... NEEDLE...

Just like all of his plans came to him, Joker suddenly knew exactly what he was going to do with her. Rather roughly, Joker manhandled her about until he was between her legs.

THE LOOK OF HOPEFUL EXCITEMENT ON HARLEY'S FACE WAS ALMOST TOO MUCH.

J couldn't blame her. He had an ENCHANTING tongue.

Joker took his time with it and tattooed a trail of candy and lollipops and circus treats up the inside of her thigh, leading right up to the PANDORA'S BOX. It was like a trail of treats until you find the GOLD. THE TREASURE. THE HIDDEN JEWELS OF HARLEY-ISLAND.

What made it even better was that HE was the ONLY person with access.

So Joker tattooed his favourite sweet things as part of the trail.

"If you go up Harley's legs TODAY you're sure of a big SURPRISE, if YOU go up Harley's LEGS today, you'll DEFINITELY LOSE YOUR EYES!" Joker sang, his manic laughter piecing the tranquility of their apartment.

Harley had laid herself out for him with his rough help, legs spread nice and wide to invite him between her thighs, though of course, usually he was only between her legs when he did something to her.. So she was starting to get wet.. She stayed quiet for the most part as he gave her the tattoo, biting her lips as she let out a tiny whines. The girl was loving the touch of him, loving the fact that he was tattooing her like this.

So maybe Harley never minded losing. She always enjoyed him tattooing her. It was just something that she loved-..

A grin came to her lips as he sang to her, laughing out in her own, eery way. "Oh pudDIN!" She laughed out. Tugging him up by his collar to press a rough kiss to his lips. Harley hardly ever gave him ROUGH KISSES. Her's were usually more on the softer side unless he initiated them. Jokers kisses were almost always rough. Her fingers danced along his jaw, along his neck and shoulders, rolling her her hips playfully up into his with little bursts of laughter before she had wiggled out from in under him.

Maybe she felt a little playful.

The naked, newly tattooed Harley wiggled her hips playfully before she skipped off to the kitchen in the other room, a grin on her lips knowing that it would frustrate her mistah j with how she was behaving;.

Joker GROWLED at her absence. He trailed after her, looking up at her from underneath his lashes with an undeniably DARK look.

The grin he sported (as always) was twisted and COMPLETELY lacking in good intention. With one hand, he unbuckled his belt and pulled the belt away from his trousers, collected up in his fist so that it was clear EXACTLY what he was going to do to Harley when he caught her.

Not many had as high a pain threshold as Harley Quinn. Not many ENJOYED it the way she did. ELECTRIC SHOCK THERAPY turned that girl on...

Joker would know, after all.

He was the reason for her pain kink in the first place. HE merely couldn't resist experimentation.

With his free hand he caught Harley by the wrist - hand wrapping around her like a VICE and yanked her back towards him. Standing menacingly behind her, he yanked her back until her back hit his chest. J snaked his arm around her possessively, hand securing itself on her neck.

"Kitty knows better than this," he growled into her ear, and then forced her to bend over the dining table.

Joker placed a hand on her lower back, angling his head to take in the sight of her rear exposed to him in such a way, and frowned.

The ALABASTER skin was too PERFECT. It was sane. Normal. BLANK.

He HAD to fix that.

And so he did. He raised the belt and brought it down HARD once, twice...

A third time. A fourth time. Again and again until her legs were trembling and she fell to her knees.

Exactly according to plan, that was. Joker sighed down at her and slowly unbuttoned his trousers, letting his erection spring free. She had been reduced to that position on the floor for a reason.

Joker stroked back her hair as if petting a cat and watched her with a careful kind of sinister consideration,

"You wanna win the chance to tattoo the King?"

Joker held his hand out for her to kiss the ring, and then let his head drop back as she started on his arousal.

Harley had squeaked, but she had obediently complied to his actions. Loud squeaks and whines fluttering eyes back. "Mistah j!" She cried out delightfully almost.

He knew she liked it.

And then she was on her knees, sat there gazing up at him, taking his hand to kiss his ring, eyes shutting for a moment because she KNEW... Knew it made him happy. Then she was working on his erection. Harley's fingers traced along his length slowly, and then traced her fingers action with her tongue slowly. Her tongue tracing I've the slit slowly before she closed her lips around the head of his cock, bobbing her head slowly, fingers curled around him and pumping in time with her bobbing, Harley slowly venturing to take him further and further into her mouth, until she could take most of his length into her mouth, removing her hands from him to rest them against his hips, bobbing her head a bit faster and doing what she could to avoid gagging.

Joker could focus on it for the first few minutes, but the sound of a bird squawking just outside drew his attention away.

It went a little something like:

Harley.

Bird? Bird. Seagull? Swallow? Robin?

ROBIN.

Dead.

Batsy.

HARLEY.

BATMAN.

THE JOKE.

.

The joke must go on.

He brought a deck of cards out of his pocket and began to shuffle them with his eyes closed, lips parted and head still tipped back towards the ceiling. His harlequin was GIFTED with her mouth.

After he'd come, he simply took his trousers off and grabbed her by the forearm, yanking her up to be level with him. His face was serious, almost angry until she was standing up - at which point he BEAMED and held the cards out in front of him.

"One game of SNAP. Winner gets the same reward as LAST TIME."

Joker knew she was better with her reflexes. This was her reward. He just didn't want to hand it to her directly.

Harley had swallowed his load as he always wanted her to. Then she rose happily off her knees and listened to him closely, she grinned delightfully and nodded her head happily. She already knew what she wanted to tattoo on him. "Alrighty then puddin." She agreed and nodded her head, tugging him to the table.

She sat, but winced and quickly lifted herself off the chair and tucked a leg under her so she wasn't say directly on her butt. After all his belt had left quite the PRETTY mark.

She watched him carefully as rested her head against the palm of her hand. "Let's get the game started then, mistah j!"

Harley couldn't wait to win, win and get to tattoo her joker. A grin on her lips as she watched him closely, head tilted slightly while it rested there.

Joker let his grin spread and widen, causing his eyes to soften and drift a little,

"Ready, puddin'?" He asked her. He NEVER called her that. Only on the rarest, sweetest, giddiest, distractediest of occasions. J let the first card drop so that it was face-up and then Harley followed and so on and sO ON!

He wasn't even hiding the fact he was letting her win.

THEIR version of SNAP meant smashing things AS WELL AS yelling the word. Harley had her bat in one hand, and Joker had a hammer. Lined up next to them were various object made of china/glass. It was ALL very thrilling. Joker had only broken one thing so far, and THAT was simply because sometimes he just needed to BREAK THINGS.

Harley had only one thing left to break.

Joker let her win and then toppled the little table over, jumping to his feet. He beckoned for her to follow him and waited for her to manipulate him about. All of Joker's tattoos MEANT something and HARLEY-GIRL KNEW that.

Harley had grinned nice and wide as she studied him then. Then she knew it. She nudged him to sit in a chair. She sat herself all proper on his leg, just one, her own legs spread so that his thigh was positioned right against her. Her hips rocked a little to get herself some pleasure, starting up the tattoo pen an studying him carefully before she had moved herself carefully. Leaned into him and moved to nudge his head so his neck was at her mercy. She moved to trail her fingers along his neck for a moment before she leaned up, and just under his jaw, she put a H and a Q together, obviously it stood for HARLEY QUINN. He was hers and she was his and she was marked to know that she was his but he had yet to be brandished with her name, and now she had done it, and she was beyond happy to hve brandished him with HER NAME! A smile on her lips meant that she was beyond happy with her work.

The cheeky little shit even added a small heart beneath it!

What a way to so it. Now they had matching hearts- they had matching hearts anyway, they beat it the same rhythm...

They were hopelessly in love and they would always be that way and their skin even told the same story. Same song and dance.

The needles always bothered him. They made him feel ITCHY.

It was easier when Harley did it though because he could FOCUS on her and anchor himself to getting lost in HER reality. If J was distracted enough he didn't even feel the tattoo happening at ALL.

The way kitty was working herself on his leg now...

Joker had barely any problem getting absorbed by her at all. He didn't even ask her what she was tattooing on him. There were times when J was SURE he'd allow her to just stab him OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN RIGHT IN THE CHEST-

and he would just let her.

J was suddenly exhausted.

It could never be said that the King and Queen of Gotham ever had a simple, quiet night out. IT WASN'T a NIGHT OUT for them unless at least THREE PEOPLE DIE.

Bats had to show up for the evening to just about become STELLAR.

Mm...

J wondered if Bats was dead.

Probably not.

He doubted it.

Now what to do with the freak?

Most would... unmask him...

But where was the FUN in that? No-one is ever who you think they are, anyway...

Harley finished up and sat back on his thigh, but she was still rocking her hips against him. After all, he'd gotten the chance to get off, but Harley was still :: :: from the previous rough behavior.

The pain kink was real in this one.

She set the tattoo pen aside and and moved to grab a mirror, holding it up for him so that he could see the little tattoo she'd given him, sat and continued rocking her hips to grind and rock against his thigh. Her lips were slightly parted as she did, breath shaky and attempting to not make a noise as she continued her movements. But then she was whining, moaning quietly as she rocked.

It was so good, so damn good. She couldn't even focus on the fact that he was going to be reacting to the pretty tattoo. She couldn't begin to focus. It was starting to fuck her up a little bit trying to. So she simply closed her eyes and tilted her head back, hips moving at a faster rate to try to get herself to an orgasm as quick as she could. She knew Joker didn't mind her using his leg to get her off, it wasn't even remotely the first time that she did it- afterall, this usually what she did to tease him too.

Joker didn't even look in the mirror. Didn't glance at it. Didn't CARE.

The girl had PROMISED and VOWED things at their CHEMICAL WEDDING. Harls wasn't LIKELY to stray.

J smacked the mirror out of her hand and grabbed her by the throat.

"Always, always, always going around and AROUND in circles, Harley... why do you ALWAYS move in CIRCLES? Even now you move... in... CIRCLES."

Joker threw her down to the floor and sat on her thighs to keep her legs down. He rubbed his hands together and then blew on them, maintaining eye contact with Harley the entire time. This was when he started to give her what she needed. He rubbed at her with his fingers at a velocity and speed most would call impossible.

Not for Joker.

nOT WHEN KITTIES WIND HIM UP TO THE POINT OF GIVING THEM SUCH EXPLOSIVE ORGASMS.

All whining and moaning and mewling.

Unfair.

HE COULDN'T THINK WITH ALL THE SEX.

Harley had whined when she was suddenly locked beneath him. She let her hands move to grip his thighs carefully, head tilting back against the floor as she felt his fingers working her and working her and WORKING HER.

God he was so damn good with those FINGERS.

"mh- Circles just FEEL Nice.." She whined out, her body wriggling and writhing against and under him, loving and enjoying the pleasure of it all. "Mistah- Mistah J.." she cried out, her eyes rolling back slightly and then it was happening just as quick as she started.

She released over his feelings and the small girl whimpered quite loudly as she did.

She always loved these moments with him. Loved the dominance he asserted over her.

Harley was a girl who NEEDED that. She needed a dominate personality. She needed a dominate partner.

Perhaps that was the reason she was attracted to Ivy, though her heart would always belong to Joker.

With a final grandiose gesture, he dismounted his Harley and stepped away from her, licking his fingers off like they were covered in sugar.

They WERE.

That had been it. The very LAST of his seemingly (but not so) endless bundles and BUNDLES OF ENERGY.

He'd used it all UP. He was DONE. SPENT. OUT OF WHACK.

J didn't even have the energy to pick up Harley, and was actually so consumed by the thought of sleep and the possible... THINGS... that... awaited... him...

He forgot Harley was sprawled out on the floor and walked like a zombie towards their bedroom.

Just below his jaw sTUNG and prickled like a prickly bush and YELLED AT HIM.

YOU'RE A FUCKING TATTOO. SHUT UP.

His tattoos always talked to him. He didn't even know what this one WAS. He hadn't looked at it.

Joker sat at the very edge of the bed and stared disconcertingly at the floor.

Harley caught her breath and climbed off the floor to go join him in the bedroom. She smiled at him. "Tired puddin?" She murmured gently and moved herself then to tug his pants off. She knew he didn't undress himself. Then, she tugged him up a bit carefully and tugged his boxers down too, patted his hip and then moved to crawl into bed first.

She always got in bed first because she had to get comfy, and once she was comfortable.. Then he could LAY STRAIGHT FUCKING ACROSS HER OR ONTOP OF HER..

And get comfortable and then go to sleep.

She kept the blankets off her, and smiled as she waited for him to come crawl in with her, body stretching ever so slightly as she yawned quietly. "Come join me babyyyy" She called out gently, grinning as she began patting at her belly knowing he always rested his head on her belly.


	5. Five: Baby Talk

Harley was...

Odd. Well, NO. THAT WOULD BE INACCURATE, YOU SEE. Harley-girl was ALWAYS odd. It was more like the APPLE of his eye was doing more... thinking than usual.

This was unsettling to Joker. Even when she was dancing she looked like she was thinking REAL hard about something. Sitting in his usual end of the booth, watching her dance with that same kind of disturbingly fixated look on his face he always did - Joker didn't allow any business to come through.

That in itself was STRANGE for Joker. It JUST... wasn't the fate of things for that day. When you gotta think then you THINK but then you can get STUCK in your mind. You run around and around in the mazes there and there comes a point where you realise you're never EVER destined to LEAVE THIS PLACE.

Joker had been stuck in his MAZE for as looooong as he could remember, and he was already the KING of it.

Harley had been thinking for a long long time bout some rather important things. Aka, children. She wanted kids. She desperately wanted kids. As Harleen, a sane women, she always imagined a family with a husband and a son and a daughter, as Harley, she never thought about it until they'd been shopping and she saw some... Kids with their parents. Infants an toddlers to be exact.

Her maternal instinct seemed to kick in and now she craved it- if wasn't like he wasn't ABLE to give her children...

Her eyes turned to joker and she slowly went to sit with him with a small sigh.

"Puddin.. Can we talk bout.. Somethin serious?" She asked quiety.

Joker could feel the instantaneous (knee jerk) need to shut down completely and deny her the chance to...

It was making him all ITCHY to know that even HE did not POSSESS the, uh, ability to know what Harley was thinking.

Some people claimed she was more insane than even he was. She was definitely more fearless.

Joker tilted his head at her very slowly, face betraying no emotion beyond coldness. He was preparing for that... STING.

He didn't say anything. He just watched her - daring her to leave him and break their CHEMICAL VOWS.

Joker's mouth unleashed this subconscious snarl.

Harley noticed, instantly growing nervous to begin talking about it. She shifted to sit with him properly. "Well puddin, we've been together for.. SEVEN WHOLE YEARS Yknow and I was just... Doin a lotta thinkin lately and uh.." She began trying to think of how to explain it. "You know, imma woman and I got NEEDS and FEELINS and INSTINCTS that you men don't, and uh... LATELY those have been EVERYWHERE and I've come to the conclusion that I think that we should.. Move our uh.. Relationship to the next level yknow? Kids... I'd like... I'd like to be a MOM. A GOOD one yknow? And you'd- you'd make such a GREAT dad and I mean- people like us, like you, kinda NEED to reproduce so our LEGACY continued an we don't stop existing after we die you know?" She murmured fiddling with her fingers. "I dunno what brought it on sO QUICKLY but I just- the last week I've just been BABY CRAZY. You haven't noticed? I've nearly thrown a fit Everytime we see a baby.."

Joker...

... Hmmm...

He was AWARE that somewhere, hidden... around... mazes...

He had this inkling he had daddy issues. Couldn't REMEMBER them, but he just... was... certain...

Daddy Issues...

So Harley was HORMONAL, then? She'd gone through this before. He'd turned her down. IN FACT - that had been the doozy that made him push her off the skyscraper.

Joker licked reflexively at his lips, tongue trailing slowly over his grills,

"Harley... baby..." He began, shifting about so that he could face her. His demeanour was that of a father trying to let his daughter down gently with the fact she wasn't going to be getting a pony.

LEGACY?

Why would-

She was... a point made... mazes... harlequins... CLUB.

Someone wandered into the booth looking to speak to him and without looking away from Harley, Joker shot the man between the eyes. J's face was that of an insane man's careful deliberation.

He'd need a son... for a legacy...

How could they INSURE that?

"Does the kid have to be OURS? Couldn't we, uh... KIDnap the kid?" Joker had been unable to break out the pun, and grinned at her.

The grin faded shortly afterwards and he started to tap his cane against the floor erratically.

"If we... how would..." Joker stopped himself short. He clearly hadn't been talking to Harley just then. This was his ever ongoing struggle to FOCUS and THINK about ONE THING.

"Kidnap? Nono Puddin it wouldn't be RIGHT it wouldn't be the SAME it wouldn't be YOUR LEGACY.. Itd be your ideas in another persons DNAs mind.." Harley told him and moved to climb into his lap, chewing her lips for a moment. "We gotta have the kids OURSELVES.. I mean- one at first obviously.. A boy.. But.. Maybe after that we could have a girl too.." She said thoughtfully before shaking her head and moved her hands to rub his chest. "It wouldn't take LONG puddin.. You nevER use condoms anyway.. You'd just have to avoid pullin out- remember how GOOD it felt to cum IN me, mistah j?" She whispered, pressing herself to him. "Please? We need a baby.. A son.. To continue your legacy.. I mean- batsy will probably have one too! And.. And he'll probably become bATKID and.. And it wouldn't be right if we didn have a JUNIOR JOKER to give bATKID shit like you give batman!" She used that too, another desperate attempt to talk him into it. "AND it'd make your Harley SO HAPPY! Sosososksoosos happy. Don't you want your Harley to be HAPPY?"

Joker practically fainted at the suggestion of his son fighting Batman's son.

THAT HARLEY GIRL MADE SOME GOOD POINTS.

They did this EVERY Friday, where she would just nag at him and convince and PERSUADE him until he gave in (which was usually very quickly because he wasn't good at saying no to her) - except Harley usually only wanted PURSES.

Joker growled quietly, scratching at his chin - horrid mouth tattoo moving about and contorting terrifyingly as a result.

J smacked himself harshly around the face so he could focus on THE DECISION and then let Harley attend to fixing his hair up while he THOUGHT and attempted the MAZES.

Who were more impressionable and easy to brainwash than the... younger generations? No-one HE knew - apart from maybe HARLEY.

He'd considered having an army purely made up of children before. BUT NOW... he envisioned them with GREEN HAIR AND MANIC SMILES-

Hm.

They wouldn't TURN OUT like that, though-

That could be FIXED LATER ON.

THE KID MIGHT WANNA DYE HIS HAIR BLUE INSTEAD! WHO KNEW?!

J HAD always said the world needed more of him...

So why not literally...

If there was ONE thing Harley Quinn knew how to do PERFECTLY, it was convince him to do things she wanted him to.

Joker smacked himself again - pretty viciously, and then threw a glass at the opposing wall. He sighed, closed his eyes - his head twitched to the side and then he opened his eyes, knuckles shaking and turning white because his grip on his CANE was so EXTREME.

HE NEVER DID ANYTHING IN HALF MEASURES.

"How do we MAKE IT a boy?" He asked darkly. This was ONE THING he had been certain Harley would never convince him to do.

Insane men never make THEMSELVES promises for a reason.

"Well," Harley started. She KNEW he would want a son FIRST AND FOREMOST. So she'd done her research. "We'd have to try mostly around the time I'm ovulating, male sperm are APPARENTLY faster than females but die real quick so that'll HELP.." She trailed for a moment. "And POSITIONS are always important no matter what. MISSIONARY-" Aka what Joker claimed to be the most basic sex position- "Is OUT THE WINDOW. Most people suggest on all FOURS or standing for DEPTH PURPOSES. I'd have to change my DIET to more redmeats and salty foods, and well, have ORGASMS which isn't an issue for us anyway, and we'd have to give up HOT BATHS AND HOT TUBS because male sperm apparently HATE HEAT. And- we could use the CHINESE LUNAR CALLENDER which takes some information and tells you what the gender SHOULD BE. COUGH SYRUP before sex is a old wives tale to help them get pregnant FASTER and the same goes for you drinkin COFFEE right beforehand."

Yes. Harley had done lots and lots of research! She needed to if she wanted to convince Joker to have kids with her..

"And could you IMAGINE what a CHAOITC LITTLE FELLA he'd be? We've got PLENTY of time to create a name and fOR NOW we could just refer to him as JUNIOR."

Joker HATED rules. He ground his teeth together and shook his head, very, VERY slowly. This was an indication for Harley to STOP talking.

None of this was a PLAN. THERE NEEDED TO BE A PLAN AND THE JOKE HAD TO CONTINUE ON AND ON.

A kid who knew the joke would be a start.

Eyes travelling across the club as if panning, his look only darkened as he went through the HEAVY, OVERBEARING process of planning for something he half HATED. Sharply, he jerked his head to the side. Harley was, FOR ONCE, being silent.

J gave NOTHING up for ANYTHING. Never had. Never will. NEVER COULD.

The mazes he ruled over weren't CO-OPERATING.

NO MORE FUCKING AROUND. HE'D MAKE HIS OWN PATH. CARVE RIGHT THROUGH.

HE WAS KING. HE LIVED IN A WORLD OF HALF-CERTAINTIES AND IT WASN'T :: :: .

How was a man supposed to THINK with sO MANY VOICES NOT ONLY INSIDE HIS HEAD BUT AROUND HIM?

He curled over into himself, eyes closed, fingers hammering on his kneecaps, rocking backwards and forwards in an extreme foetal position.

Suddenly, he snapped back up to a sitting position and clapped once, clicking with one hand and holding a finger aloft,

"IVY!"

Ivy could MAKE a... solution...

She wouldn't, though. Maybe if tricked... trapped... no other way... no way... out...

YES. MANIPULATION.

Harley watched with some sort of anticipation. She chewed at her lips and then he was coming up with an idea. She blinked curiously. "Ivy..." She trailed before she got it. "She could probably come up with.. A POTION of the sorts.. To guarantee it's a boy," she said and nodded her head. "But it would take... A lot of.. Tricking. Especially after our LAST ENCOUNTER with her." She sighed, leaning back against the seat in thought before she had realized it.

Was that a yes? Was joker telling her they could have kids?

She moved to grip him, body spinning to land on his lap. "Wait waitwaitwair wait! Is that a YES? Does that mean we can? HAVE A KID?!" She asked excitedly. The girl was practically BOUNCING on his lap! She couldn't even sit still! She was so damn HAPPY!

She was grinning so wide now. A baby! They were gonna have a BABY!

"But we shooould trick her into it SOON and uh.. Cause.. You know.. There's a fairly SMALL WINDOW right now that's gonna be SHUT FOR A WEEK in about.. Well.. A WEEK."

Joker leaned back into his booth seat, hand with ugly mouth tattoo dragging down his face. It had a very disturbing effect.

"KEEP. YOUR. VOICE. DOWN."

This was just another VULNERABILITY. Joker rolled his neck, stopping only when he heard the satisfying CRACK.

How to trick Ivy...

Plant-brain was annoyingly CLEVER AND OBSERVANT.

But when it came to plants...

Torch the greenhouse. BOOM. FIRE.

GREEN DOES NOT GO WELL WITH RED.

Get her... locked up...

How to make her MAKE the right thing-

She just wouldn't. Even with different MOTIVES and TARGETS she'd probably make a POISON instead.

So he had to make sure she knew it was for Harley...

RED wouldn't poison BLONDE.

This had to be BIG. He'd have to blow up... a... forest...

SWAMP. GOTHAM SWAMP.

It had a NAME. MOST THINGS DID.

Who cared, though? Ivy did. That was THE POINT.

So threaten the swamp...

Enough plant life...

Yes. Maybe. POSSIBLY WAS THE ESSENTIAL.

Give GREEN NO CHOICE.

She can't poison Harley.

Can't let that MANY plants die.

CORNER TRULY PINPOINTED.

Harley giggled excitedly. They were doing this! He agreed! They were gonna have a baby! She giggled and moved happily to begin peppering kisses along his jaw. "We gonna do this?" She asked, a little quiter. "How are you thinkin we trick Pammy into making it though? She HATES you. She doesn't want me to be with you so god knows she wouldn't condone me having your child," She mumbled, leaning up against him as she thou0ght. "It would have to be some SERIOUS blackmail to get her to agree. Very serious black mail. A lot of green would have to be threatened before she would buckle under the pressure and did it.." She mumbled and chewed her lip a little until she relaxed into him. "But I gotta be the one to ask her for it, I mean she'll still say NO to me until the blackmail part is brought into play but she's not gonna be so HESITANT with me as she would you-" She hummed quietly and chewed her lips.

So they were going to have..

A kid

Kid.

Baby..

Harley was getting a bit too excited, more excited then she meant to be, but could you blame her?! She'd wanted a BABY FOR SO DAMN LONG! The last time that she had brought up the idea of them having a family together- he'd thrown her off a skyscraper.

And now he was thinking about how to manipulate Ivy into helping them have a BOY! Whatta romantic! and a boy they would have! Harley had bounced off the couch then, doing a little twirl. "Can we start the PLAN tonight?"

Joker slipped out of his pensive staring in order to grin darkly down at her,

"You are the VENUS to my flytrap, Harley-girl. It's like you read my THOUGHTS!" Joker was allowing himself some excitement, though it wasn't CAUSED by anything, it was just the way his mood ROLLERCOASTERED ABOUT. Joker traced an affectionate finger along and across her jaw,

"DID you, sweetheart?" He cooed in his creepy drawl.

J tipped his head back and cackled maniacally.

"THE PLAAAAN STARTS TONIGHT!"

BESIDES, they were on a time frame!

Joker clapped twice and his main henchman came A-RUNNIN'!

"Grab Ivy. Set fire to her GREEN PALACE and find her a niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice, REAL special place in The Funhouse if she doesn't agree to what Harley has to say, got it? ONLY do this if I deliberately DROP MY CANE, BLOO."

Bloo was the most intelligent. He'd get it.

Harley was beaming excitedly. He was- they were having a BABY! Harley beamed and pulled her phone out, dialing Ivys number. She waited for her to answer and smiled. "Hey PAMMY! Were gonna be payin you a visit. Some BUSINESS needs to be done, you home?"

"Yes, Harley. I'm home- leave your PET in the car would ya?"

"Whatever Pammy! See ya sooooooon!" She hung up and then tugged at jokers hand, kissing his jaw lovingly. "Let's get goooin!"

Them they were off.

Harley didn't bother asking joker to stay in the car. Dragging him into Ivys LAIR. "PAMMY!" She called and ivy appeared basically on demand.

"I told you not to bring clown."

"He's part of the business." Harley shrugged and clasped her hands together as she thought. "So, Pammy, were gonna be tryin to have a KID. But it's gotta be a BOY Yknow to carry on PUDDINs legacy," already ivy was annoyed. "So we were thinkin who better to make a BOY MAKIN SERUM other than queen of elixrs? So- could ya.. Could ya make something that INSURES I have a boy?" She asked, and, as expected ivy shook her head.

"Harley you KNOW I don't want you with this FREAK. Do you really think I'm going to help you REPRODUCE WITH HIM?!"

Joker was leaning against a particularly large vine. He saw Ivy glance his way and had the blessed, CLOWN FORESIGHT to step away from the vine before she withdrew it. Joker was a man who was ALWAYS up for some physical comedy, but only on HIS TERMS.

He found himself aggravated every time Harley said "kid" or "baby" or "boy" or "ivy".

Though the last one was basically compulsory.

He ground his teeth together and paced around the greenhouse. J could FEEL plant-face's venomous eyes tracking his every WHICH and WAY - HIS EVERY MOVEMENT.

She was right to.

If he got an answer he disliked he'd burn down her fucking GREENHOUSE.

Joker took a moment to compose himself and straightened his suit out in the places it was SUPPOSED to be neat and slicked his hair back.

Harley sighed unimpressed. "I'm sorry, Ivy, but it was only a question once," She said after a moment. "See, if you DON'T make the potion for me.. Then, welllll..." She trailed off, leaning up on her tippy toes. "You SEE.. We'll have to burn a LOT OF PLANTS! And not to mention you'd get a trip to the funhouse- Puddin has been just ITCHIN to have you in there for AGES you know? just ITCHIN for it! I'm sure he can't wait to test ALL SORTS of painful things on ya!" She smiled, a fake, sickingly sweet smile as she turned her eyes to her Mistah J. She knew he'd love to just torture Ivy. "And then of course eventually kill you."

"Harley, you wouldn't dare let him-"

"Oh, but Pammy, I WOULD! this whole situation is VERY VERY important to me! And you're really the only one who can HELP and if you don't plan on helping soly because I would like to do it with JOKER than.. Well," She tapped her chin. "Ya aren't much of a good friend to keep around now are ya?!" She grinned.

Oh, Joker was probably back there being PROUD of her black mailing aND emotional manipulation.

"See, a family has alwaaays been such a BIG THING for me, and I just ADORE KIDS, and lately its been PRETTY DAMN BAD, and it would just make me SO HAPPY.." She sighed and raised a hand to her chest. "And it would make me EXTRA HAPPY if you'd just... COMPLY instead of having to make us BURN all your precious plants-" She paused to gesture to some henchmen, and Joker. "See Puddin has these boys trained so that at a certain signal one of these men will alert another man to set fire to gotham swamp.." She smiled. "And then they're to grab you. And then you'll be taken to the funhouse, and youll have LOTS of unpleasant fun.." Ivy was starting to get annoyed.

"So you can either make me this oNE simple thing and we'll be on our way, orrrr... We could torture you and set fire to things, you knowwww..."

Ivy huffed and shook her head. "Alright FINE. But on ONE CONDITION."

"Yes of course,"

"He stops PRANKING ME... And the kid has to call me Aunty."

"Done deal."

Of course Joker would still prank her and odds are the kid wouldn't call her aunty.

But Harley would say anythign to get what she wanted.

So, Ivy nodded and went off to get to work.

Joker snarled.

Oh, how he'd longed to set the JUNGLE ABLAZE.

He wanted to hit her and electrocute her and make her bleed and watch PLANTS DIE and-

Ivy was a thief. First she stole the colour GREEN and then she stole HARLEY and now she'd STOLEN AWAY HIS CHANCE TO TORTURE HER.

If she wasn't actually as USEFUL and manipulatable as she was, Joker would have seen her dead AGES AGO.

There was still hope.

OH, AND HIS LITTLE HARLEY!

LOOK HOW SHE SHONE AND HOW SHE BIT AND BITE AND FORCED AND GOT HER WAY!

A certain SOMEONE sure had trained that kid WELL!

Joker's grin was enough to make Ivy change her mind, apparently.

"Wait, Harley. No. I changed my mind. No."

Joker reached into his jacket and pulled out a lighter and sparked it up, holding the flame alarmingly close to the nearest plant. He mouthed "THE SWAMP" to Ivy and saw the overgrown daffodil QUAKE WITH RAGE.

OOOOH, SCARY.

"FINE! FINE. UGH. I CAN'T BELIEVE-"

"I'd tell you to cut a path through your mental maze, Ives, but I doubt you'd enjoy the metaphor."

"Shut your mouth."

"There can STILL be bye-bye greenhouse."

"What happened to 'The Joker never breaks his promises'?"

"HARLEY made you PROMISES, Pamela. I SIMPLY STOOD HERE ALL PRETTY."

"I hate you."

"You're part leaf."

Harley had giggled as she watched the banter between the two. She was happy that she could agree.. But she couldn't help the outragous laughter that escaped her. "Part leaf! Thats a good one!" She giggled. She then ran a hand through her hair and leaned against her puddin, placing little kisses to his jaw. 'So how long will it take to uh.. GET the thing?" She asked Ivy.. "you see, we uh, we got a bit of a TIME FRAME currently. As in ONLY A WEEK to get started and I am OVULATING in this week and uh, then, you know.. we gotta WAIT.." She told her and Ivy rolled her eyes. "Are you going to stay until its done?" "That was the plan." "Fine. give me an hour."

And she didn't seem impressed that they were staying.

So, Harley grinned and tugged her Joker to follow the woman rather closely. And, in an hour, well. It was done!

"So.. You're sure this will guarantee a boy?"

"Yes, and it'll also make it easier for you to get pregnant."

"Fantastic!" Harley beamed and took the couple vials that she had made. 'Thank you, Pammy!"

It was a different story when she got back to Joker.

"Tell bloo to set the swamp afire." She said simply. She was :: :: with how much convincing it took to get Ivy to agree.. Far too annoyed.. She needed to be taught a LESSON.. That she couldn't say NO to Harley..

Harley wouldn't let her keep behaving the way she WAS..

Maybe she was a little hormonal. Maybe she was just stuck in crime boss mode.

Who knew.

When the henchmen instantly opened the phone, she went to the limo and one pulled the door open for her obediently. Her eyes flicked to Joker.

"If she behaves that way with me again, J, then feel free to have your way with her in the Funhouse." She said simply, before she had disappeared into the limo, waiting for him to join her.

Joker had left his lighter on in one of the plant pots, anyway. He'd just DROPPED it there when Ivy wasn't looking. Really, Queen of the Triffids made it AAAAALL too easy.

She was practically ASKING J to set her greenhouse on fire!

And with HARLEY'S request...

It was WELL KNOWN that Joker struggled to say NO to his Harley. She was always such a GOOD GIRL.

So now the swamp was going to BURN and the greenhouse was going to BURN A LITTLE BIT and Ivy would LEARN A LESSON in treating those above you with RESPECT.

What kind of a CRAZY, MAD, INSANE :: :: MESSED WITH A HORMONAL WOMAN, ANYWAY?

Joker slid into the limo next to Harley and let them drive off for a little bit but whistled to the driver to get him to stop when they were just abouts within range of hearing.

Ivy had clearly put the TEENY TINY FIRE out and was mourning her... plant...

She stepped into her actual HOME and SCREAMED IN PURE RAGE. Joker writhed and giggled and cackled in glee. While they had been keeping Ivy occupied in the greenhouse, some of the henchmen had been about Ivy's house, covering the walls with pAGES AND PAGES from Joker's infamous book: "a dummy's guide to dealing with being a hypocrite".

Ah, first promise ALREADY BROKEN.

It was fun to break Harley's promises.

Harley still seemed to be in a mood. Even hearing her dismayed cries after a plant had burned. Harley didn't have the energy to care about little things like that. Her mind was ticking at the girl was annoyed, fingers tapping her bare thigh, teeth gritting together slightly as her eyes rested on the window.

Perhaps the little show Joker and Ivy had put on, that brought allll the nasty things Ivy did to her and STILL degraded her Joker for doing the SAME DAMN THINGS.. She was shaking with rage now. Her eyes flicked to Joker and she hummed quietly.

"Dooo you think the punishment was TOO LIGHT?" She sighed in thought, fingers rubbing against her thighs now. "I feel like she needs to REALLY KNOW that she caN'T talk to me the way she does and still pretend that she.. That she treats me properly." She grunted quietly and moved to cross her arms beneath her bust, obviously annoyed. "I'll perhaps pay a visit to her tomorrow and if she's still acting out I'll get a couple henchmen to uh.. Well.. Drag her back to the funhouse. I think I'm getting pretty ANNOYED with the scent of flowers." She huffed, her eyes rolling back into her head.

The girl was on a rampage.

Ivy was going to pay.

Joker cocked his head at Harley, landing in it's desired position on the BEAT of Ivy's next scream of rage. He whistled, eyes still on Harley, indicating to the driver it was time to GO.

Any longer and they'd have VINES GROWING OUT OF THEIR CHESTS.

Joker didn't MIND the thought, it's just that you can't LAUGH with vines in your chest.

Harley-girl was... in the dark place he LIVED in...

This would be FUN. But they'd have to do it... anonymously...

The business part of his mind reminded him it wouldn't be good for their image to break their promises and wreck their own deals. Even with plant-freak. His gaze was calculating but also just that bit TOO intense, like it always was. He never toed the line between eccentric and cREEPY. HE OWNED THE LINE. HE :: W A S :: THE LINE. He was the SOLUTION and also the PROBLEM.

"We can dish OUT the chaos, but the CHAOS CAN'T HAVE OUR FACE! HARley... PEAches... you see what we gotta DO, don't ya? We get Pammy SENT to Arkham... then we BREAK Pammy OUT of Arkham... and then we THROW THE TRUST PIE RIGHT AT HER GREEN, GREEN, LEAFY FACE! MANIPULATION, HARLEY! MANIPULATION!" Joker cackled and cried with laughter, smacking at his seat and writhing with the hilarity of THE JOKE.

AH, THE JOKE!

They HAD to burn a LOAD OF PLANTS, TOO.

ESSENTIAL.

.

Harley puffed her cheeks as she thought about what he was saying, nodding her head, before she was pushin her annoyance aside and casually climbed onto her lovers lap, straddling his hips. "But..." She trailed off, her hands trailing down his arms slowly. "Right now, we've got more important things to be doing.." She whispered softly, leaning her body into his carefully, eyebrows raising as she gazed up at him with a small grin on her lips. "We went through allllll that yrouble to get these serums... We better out them to use, yeah?" She cooed. Her moods changing instantly. She was more than happy now- could it have been his laughter? She loved his laugh...

Perhaps.

Her eyes fluttered to look up at him, leaning herself to place little kisses along his jaw in a tauntingly slow manner.

Joker stiffened up, laughter quickly turning into a loud SNARL.

THERE. WAS. NO. CONTROL. IN. THIS.

TOO MANY OPPORTUNITIES-

No. Nonononononononononoono. She had to STOP.

With a harsh shove, Joker threw Harley to the floor of the limo and barked at Bloo to take them to the club. DID SHE NOT UNDERSTAND? DID SHE NOT? DID SHE? SHE? S H E ?

Joker was trembling with his rage.

Kitty knew better than this.

She did.

So why did she PUSH? HIM?

Sometimes Harley was the only solace J could find among all the STATIC and the NOISE that was his mIND - and SOMETIMES she was only ADDING and ADDING TO THE CHAOS.

People would have seen her. SEEN. Harley can not be SEEN.

Not HIS Harley. THAT part was all for him. DOES? SHE? NOT?

They arrived at the club. It had been closed shortly after the two of them had left to go deal with (and thoroughly manipulate) Ivy. That meant it was empty. That meant it was safe. That meant it was for THEM.

Harley puffed her cheeks a little, but when they came to a stop, the girl bounced out of the limo. She looked around, it was odd to see it so empty. "I'm not use to seein this place so... Uh... EMPTY." She mused as she looked back to the car to watch as joker exited.

She had to take a moment to look him over.

God he was such an attractive man. Such an attractive weird clown man. She was BLESSED with the fact she could TOUCH HIM!

Harley had bit her lip a little and moved over to him. "Mistah j..." She started, taking his hand. "Have I ever told you how GOOD you look in this suit?" She grinned as she backed up, tugging him with he as she made her way to the club.

Joker glanced down at his suit, letting her take the arm that was holding his cane.

A R M

Y

That was what he'd heard a henchman call her a few weeks ago. He was pRETTY sure the SAME GUY was nothing more than a piiiiiile o' BONES in Croc's sewer.

Either that or he was DUE to be.

GINGER BEARD. The guy had HAD one.

Joker cackled to himself.

The suit? Ahhhhh, yEs, the SUIT. Harley LIKED this one. Harlequin ALWAYS mentioned that she did.

"Every time I wear it, sAH-WEETheart. Without fail."

Joker offered her a savage grin, head swaying from side to side a little with the giddiness of IT ALL.

Harley had grinned widely at his words. "I just can't hELP myself." She cooed, leaning up against him as they walked. "You just look so DELICIOUS." She purred and moved to press a couple kissed along his neck as the unlocked the club and entered it, Harley parted from her lover and moved to flick on the lights excitedly, bouncing over to jump up on one of the stages, fingers curling around the pole and sWINNGING her body around so she could look at him.

"You gonna play with your kitten?" She cooed innocently. She was so.. Excited to start this little plan of theirs. So excited. Too excite. She couldn't breathe! She sighed out happily and hopped down from the stage, sat on it all cute n pretty like.

Joker watched her silently, eyes a little wide, grin all KINDS of sinister.

"Kitty, you KNOW I don't play by the RULES..." He spoke darkly, stalking slowly around the stage, eyes never leaving her. He liked giving people the feeling they were trapped, that they were STUCK, that they couldn't ESCAPE him. In truth, tHOUGH, they COULDN'T!

Joker tapped the stage with his cane, "But if you ask VERY NICELY, Harley-girl, I could make a, uh, EXCEPTION..."

He shot her his Cheshire Cat smile, fingers wiggling about as he brandished them towards her as an offering. She knew what would happen if she took his hand.

"And Haaaaaarley-baby... if we're pah-LAYING by the RULES, then you'll have to take the LEAD."

Harley had grinned as she watched joker with expectant eyes, her body lighting up with excitement. God he was so-

Harley couldn't even breathe right around this god of a man.

She grinned an moved to take his hand, slowly sliding her her body down off the stage and curling her body so that she was pressed directly against him; eyes alive with desire as she looked up into his eyes. "And what if I don't WANNA play by the RULES?" She cooed slowly, her fingers tracing along his hand, over the veins in his wrist, up his arms slowly, teasingly.

She'd already taken the serum.

She licked her lips slowly, pressing closer to him. "What happens then..?" She purred curiously.

When did either of them wanna play by the rules?

Joker slowly let his head drop to the side in a tilt, eyes scouring her face. He pouted a little in thought.

"Earlier... you said..." Joker pushed her hair back from her face with both hands, "... there were rules we had to follow... in order to... make a BOY."

Joker slowly let his head fall to the other side in an opposing tilt. In ALL truth, the thought of an heir was EXCITING. He just didn't want to deal with the BEGINNING bit. THE BIT WHERE THEY HAD TO RAISE THE THING.

He was going to think of it as the loooongest brainwashing session he'd ever taken PART in.

And wouldn't THAT be fun?

Harley could keep the kid ALIVE. She seemed to KNOW how to do THAT.

J just had to make the kid wORTHY. And with GENES like this and JEANS like THAT-

Little J would be JUUUUUST FINE.

"Well..." Harley murmured. "We've got that.. Elixir now.." She purred quietly, allowing herself to caress him. "I already took it.. So.. Less time to waste.." A grin was settle on he lips as she moved to sit upon the stage, taking him by his hands and pulling him against her. "I want you," she started. "I want you really, really bad.." She grinned and tugged him so that he was flush against her, pressing little kisses along his neck, before she leaned away and took her shirt off carefully before simply tossing it off somewhere. Where it landed, she didn't care.. She just wanted his hands on her.

To start their plan and start the tries at getting pregnant.

Oh.. She couldn't wait.

More than one of the many, many, many parts and many, many, MANY versions was hesitant to do this.

He didn't want a KID. The spawn could only bring WEAKNESS FOR THE LONGEST TIME. But... the thought... the ALLURE... of a legacy... it was a little too much to resist, for Joker.

THERE WAS ALSO THAT COMPLEX HE HAD THAT STOPPED HIM FROM DENYING HARLEY THINGS.

Damn woman KNEW that.

USED it to her advantage.

Joker snarled lustily and threw her with a flourish over his shoulder. THE BOOTH. He spent all his time in there thinking about how much he wanted to fuck her whenever she was dancing. Fucking-

Fucking IMPOSSIBLE.

Ripped clothes were strewn everywhere. Who gave a fuck about their clothes? Both Joker AND Harley had multiple versions of the THREADS they'd just DESTROYED.

SAVAGED.

Just like he'd savage her.

And so he did.

Made himself... ... on it... so that... nOT thinking aBOUT...

NO. SHUT IT OUT.

LEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACYLEGACY-

"LEGACY!" Joker cheered as he came - aH YES AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE HE STAYED INSIDE.

So he did.

Like a good boy.

A. GOOD. CLOWN.

Harley had never enjoyed herself do much! An it was unusual for joker to totally.. Completely focus on it while they... And he did it so.. So gooOOD! Even remembered to come in her! Fantastic.

Harley had finished her loud moan, before she'd completely laid herself back against the couch and began to pant a little. Out of breath from the sex they'd had.. Her body slowly stretched out, quivering still from the orgasm joker had given her, naturally though because Harley didn't go through a session with that man where she didn't orgasm..

She let out a pleasant hum, hands dancing down her body to where they were connected, dragging up over his after and whining quietly. "You're so.. Sooo good," she whined and slowly sat herself up, kissing at his neck.

Of course missionary wasn't suppose to be a position they would have to use to insure pregnancy but Ivys present was suppose to make it extra easy.. And she was ovulating! It shouldn't take MUCH!

She'd be pregnant in no time!

Right!

Her hands caressed him, pressing a kiss to his lips after wards, "i think this was the first time you've fucked me in here..," she mumbled on his skin. "Definitely something you've thought of for a long... Long time though, huh...?"

Joker was just slicking his hair back. He kicked open the booth seat (Harley had no idea it OPENED) and started to rummage around for new clothes. He'd envisioned this happening. PLANNED FOR IT, even. And SOMETIMES he got blood on his clothes in here.

Joker swiveled to shoot her an indulgent snarl-type grin. He was like a sated WOLF and he was reveling in it,

"MORE mind reading, dear, DEAR Harley?"

Joker snickered, dragging himself into his Arkham sweatpants (replica) and left himself all shirtless. J didn't WEAR anything on his torso apart from smart, SMART DRESS SHIRTS.

He didn't have the time, PATIENCE or NEED to put one on now.

Harley didn't bother getting dressed yet, marvelling in the feeling of being naked- naked and SATISFIED. "It ain't HARD to tell with how you watch me when I'm dancin puddin," she purred, rolling her body to lay on her belly, legs kicking in the air. "You can harddddllllyy take your eyes off me.. N you're always so PHYSICAL after. I bet if you could you'd fuck me after every dance huh?" She grinned, resting he pretty little head on her hands as she watched her puddin. "I bet all those guys watchin me makes you reaaaalll eager to put your hands on me..." She was just playing with the scene now. She knew her joker too well.

"I can always dance for you when were alone Yknow, mistah j," she grinned. He'd never asked her for a dance just for him. If he did, Harley would obviously gladly oblige. He loved to watch her after all.. An then there would be no one else watching her:

Joker grabbed up his cane from the floor and smacked harshly at the seat he'd opened up.

It's time to get DRESSED NOW, kitten...

Kitten apparently did NOT want to play ball. He prickled, placing both hands on his cane and posturing himself to simply watch her as she attempted to TEASE and TEMPT him.

J had ALWAYS hated the word CONNOTATIONS because it was BLATANTLY (there wasn't even A COVER UP) just your mind taken on mORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE PATHS.

Instead of reacting outright negatively (the CONNOTATIONS of what she was reminding him of had placed him sLAP BANG into a foul mood), Joker averted his eyes to the seat she was draping herself all over.

"You know, I've lost COUNT of how many I've KILLED in this club." He murmured, haunted look on his face. Not because of the LIVES he'd taken, oH NO. He ALWAYS looked a little like tHIS whenever Harley's words had mISSED THEIR MARK and had the opposite of the desired effect.

EMPTY SPACE IN THE BED TOMORROW.

CLOTHES ALL GONE.

CALLS GOING TO VOICEMAIL.

GONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONEGONE-

Joker hISSED in pain and clutched at his head.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

Harley frowned at him, instantly moving over to him and placing a hand to rub his arm gently. She knew it was best not to question him. So she decided to toss his attention elsewhere.

"You know puddin, I heard batman got uh.. PRETTY BANGED UP after our last ncounter." She said, and then moved to get herself dressed. "People were sayin there was parts of his uh.. Mask.. All about the diner! No sign of him though.. Paramedics took the guy to the hospital and before they could uh.. IDENTIFY him.. He was GONE! For a bat he's pretty damn slippery huh?" She cooed. "If you wanted to we could go try to LURE him outta his cave and see the damage for ourselves. Would that make ya HAPPY?"

That was what was important to her. If joker was happy. He was always better happy. His head didn't hurt when he was happy...

She hoped the idea that they could get batman out and about would pick his mood up. "Oooooor we could head home.. Play DARTS with the neighbours."

This meant stringing up some random people and making their loved ones play DARTS with that persons body.

Joker usually used knives instead of darts. But Harley liked actually using darts and seeing how much blood such a little thing could bring.

Joker staggered forward and draped himself over her, forehead resting against her shoulder,

"You can't find a Bat if you don't know where his CAVE is..." he enthused into her bare skin. Mm... No...

If Batsy had sURVIVED a bomb and it had been Joker's fault... Bats would come FIND him when he was rEADY. B-man was one of the few J didn't BOTHER pursuing. That pesky fREAK showed up all the damn time, anyway, bLESS HIM. Like a little wrapped up gift, just DROPPED ON HIS DOORSTEP.

Joker narrowed his eyes at Harley.

Why did he feel so...

He didn't want her near KNIVES OR DARTS.

His gaze slipped to her bare stomach when he pulled back, lips pursed (still a nasty curve to them that indicated a grimace lying in wait) and eyes narrowed.

"... No... no... no... that won't do..."

Joker didn't want Harley near the knives.

Joker didn't want Harley near the darts.

Harley blinked a little. Joker hardly ever passed up a game of darts. She raised her eyebrow, studying him as she pulled a shirt on. "No?" She murmured. "Well if ya aren't in the mood for darts..." She patted her chin trying to think.

"Is there anything specific you wanna do puddin?" She asked. "We could always go play with croccy a little bit more. Course going into a sewer doesn't sound the best but it's fun to agitate him.." She pursed her lips. "Or! Or we could just cause general chaos! Rob a couple places and shoot em up!" She suggested excitedly, bouncing on her heels.

Harley hadn't noticed the glance to her stomach. She hadn't expected joker to go into this protective little shell so damn quickly..

She didn't know.

Her head tilted and she leaned on her tippy toes to slick his hair back properly. "Aaannnnythin you wanna do mistah j. You've already given your Harley what she wanted," a grin came to her lips, pressing a thankful kiss to his cheek. She was glowing with excitement already.

They'd have a kid in roughly nine months from now. A bouncing baby boy. And joker would PROBABLY make a good dad. Probably.

Joker unleashed the GRIMACE he'd been working on,

"When will we KNOW?" He asked darkly, trusting she would (she ALREADY had baby brain) know what he was referring to.

The problem WASN'T that Joker didn't just want Harley away from knives and darts-

HE WANTED HER AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

She was too-

Kitten was RECKLESS. FEARLESS. BRUTAL. ACROBATIC. .

Kitten was aLSO due to be FRAGILE. AT. HER. OWN. INSISTENCE.

It was up to hIM to control her. Ohhh, Daddy would take GOOD care.

GOOD CARE.

Ivy would NOT make them that serum again. She'd just fucking SLAUGHTER them instead.

THAT WAS IT-

Harley would sURELY SETTLE FOR MANIPULATING HER (former) BESTIE!

Joker clapped his hands together and then splayed them out either side of him,

"HOW ABOUT THIS, HARLEY-MINE; POISON IVY'S, UH, RETRIBUTION!"

Harley giggled. Her impatient puddin.. "WeLL.. My period is in a week soooo if I miss it then that's sigh number ONE. and then it'll be a couple weeks after that I'll start gettin sick and all hormonal n stuff. That's when we'd have to either see a doctor OR just get a test from a store but we'd still need DOCTOR VISITS to make sure the little fella is all HEALTHY." She murmured to him with a nod of her head.

But mom Harley was gone and annoyed Harley was instantly back at the mention of ivy. It seemed the girl was holding the grudge better the time.

"How do you purpose we get her locked up?" She asked him, moving to begin leaving the booth, picking her little handbag up off the ground as she went, exiting to the limo that was still sat waiting for them outside.

What a good bloo!

Even though his real name was Andrew.

Poor Andrew.

"THAT part's easy, muffin!" Joker cheered, trailing along behind her. Once they were sat, he (without realising he had) took her hand in his and gestured about with them linked as he spoke, "Our DEAR FRIEND, Pammy, is an eco-terrorist! The only reason she's not LOCKED UP ALL THE TIME is 'cause she's a hARD ONE to contain. BUT! But, but, but, but, bUT- Pammy's strengths are her weaknesses, and LUCKILY FOR, UH, US! ONE! OF! HER! WEAKNESSES! IS...! CAN I GET A DRUM ROLL, MISS QUINN?" Joker clapped loud, excitement flitting constantly across his features, "SHE TRUSTS YOU! WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT TRUSTS A LOON MORE BONKERS THAN THEY ARE?"

Joker burst into a fit of maniacal cackles, ending up half perched on Harley's lap.

"So you see, my dear... we simply have to give them the means to contain her and then we fake-break-her-OUT and then we beTRAY her and leave her reminded of WHO. IS. IN. CHARGE!"

Harley hummed and listened closely to what he had to say, noddin her head along to his moved to begin playing with his nice green hair, nodding her head as she hummed again this time in approval of his words. "Alright then.. Let's get started on the uh... Lockin her up section of this plan."

Harley was quite obviously in a mood, fingers tapping against the seat with te hand that wasn't currently playing with his hair. "She'll definitely learn not to act like such a stuck up bitch. Personally I think she got one of those SPIKEY VINES stuck up her ass one day when she was... EXPERIMENTING." She grumbled.

Harley didn't notice her doing it, but the hand that had been tapping moved to slide along her stomach through the fabric.

Annoyed. Still annoyed but calming.

"She should know that subjects aren't allowed to disrespect their QUEENS."

Joker's grin turned dark and broody and possessive. With a snap of his teeth he ventured forward and secured her annoyed pout in a kiss.

J never knew what to DO with angry Harley. Usually he fought with her or IGNORED her. Today he needed her HAPPY, ADORING ATTENTION AND SHE COULDN'T GIVE HIM THAT IF SHE WAS ALL ANGSTY AND MAD.

Joker pouted into the kiss, patting Harley's cheek when he withdrew himself. If THAT didn't sort her out then WHAT WOULD?

J tried to think over what she would love most, but-

THERE WASN'T ANYTHING SHE LOVED MORE THAN HIM, WAS THERE?

No. Joker already knew he should nOT VENTURE DOWN THAT PATH. His mind got REAL dark when it took him there.

A lot of people DIED when he ended up there.

No.

Thinking.

Dogs. Cats. Canaries.

Harley hated TURTLES, for some reason.

'They're all judgemental!' was the reason she'd given.

Blips and blops. Just LIKE his memory.

Abruptly, Joker tugged Harley onto his lap and pushed her hair back from her face again, frowning at her.

"When did it SWITCH?" He questioned. J was referring to Harley's view on Ivy. The, uh, CURIOSITY was getting him all ITCHY.

Harley blinked a little at his question, giving him a slight shrug as she relaxed into his chest. "I uh.." She trailed off, eyebrows knitting together. "I guess it started to shift during the fight we had with her," She admitted. "How she could still act like such a pompous bitch after she KNEW that she did ALL THOSE THINGS.. She did things to me that you wouldn't dream of." She mumbled, furrowing her eyebrows a little tighter. "She saw me as a stupid doormat. Thought me to be a blonde bimbo. Didn't think I had the brains behind the beauty, yknow? And she didn't even really think I was all that beauty either.. I don't entirely know what I was for her but it uh.. It wasn't brains or beauty.." She mumbled, shrugging again. "She constantly wanted to one up me. Prove that more men would want her over me. That if they were given the choice she'd be the obvious choice each.. and every.. fucking.. time.." She was starting to get tense now, shifting uncomfortably. "And I uh.. I could beg her not to do things.. Things that.." She shook her head. "Puddin she has these THINGS.. Hormone type things that plants do that make people attracted to her. It ain't playin FAIR when she basically HYPNOTIZES them into wantin her.. And there was this one time that she wanted.." She fiddled with her fingers. "She was gonna go after YOU too. She already had EVERY MAN in Arkham, but it wasn't enough for her.. It wasn't enough to RUB IN MY FACE.. She needed to have you too.." She sucked in a breath. "And I cried and BEGGED her.. Not to do it.. Because she got those THINGS that I don't think anyone can resist.. Those HYPNOTIZING PHORMONES.. Or whatever its called." She started to shrink in his lap. "And she.. she knew.. she knew I'm horribly head ova heels for ya.. And she... She was still gonna do it.." SHe sighed. "But she got tricked into thinkin that they didn't work on ya so she got her ego hurt and didn't try it and thats the only reason.."

"She didn't care about me. Not in the relationship we had or in the friendship.. You said it yourself, she, her plants, they'll always come above me. My happiness should matter to her as someone who considers me a friend.. My wellbeing should matter to her and she ACTS like it does with how she gets all MOODY bout how you can get sometimes, acts like shes ALL ABOUT PROTECTIN me, but she ain't. She don't care at all.." She trailed off.

"And then I guess what really set me off was that I presented her with this ONE ITSY BITSY FAVOR that would make me BEYOND HAPPY and would be EFFORTLESS for her to do and she- she said no purely because she didn't agree with me being involved with you. That was it. That was IT.. It took threatening those STUPID FUCKING PLANTS to get her to actually do something that would make me happy.." She shook her head slowly. "She deserves to be taught a lesson. One about how those SUPERIOR need to be RESPECTED."

Joker had no idea what to do with all of this... emotion. It was ALIEN to him.

The words just... they kept... coming...

But Harley-girl had a way of cUTTIN' THROUGH ALL THAT STATIC WITH HER VOICE.

BESIDES - he LOVED, LOVED, to hear old plant-face's gOOD NAME gettin' draaaaaaagged through the unfertilised MUD WHERE IT BELONGED.

BUT THE EMOTION!

THE EMOTION HIS HARLEY WAS OOZING WITH!

It was so alien to him. It startled him. He'd never-

What-

Who-

HOW-

How does one just... talk about one THING FOR SO LONG?!

He couldn't help but listen, though. It was HARLEY talking about someone UPSETTING HER.

OF COURSE HE HAD TO LISTEN. He was also simultaneously coming up with various, eXTENSIVE, long teeeerm punishments...

He gagged and threw up a little in his mouth when she mentioned Ivy had wanted to seduce him.

WHO WOULD WANT TO GET ALL SAUCY WITH A BROCCOLI-WOMAN?

Not THIS clown!

"Harley, Harley, Harley, Harley, Harley, Harley..." J murmured, voice a little gruff. He petted awkwardly at her.

Probably best just to let her get on with it. The woman DID have the key to his legacy, after all.

Harley was starting to tear up, sniffling quietly as she cuddled up into her puddin. She let him pet at her, her hands trailing along his jaw slowly. "Puddin.." She started quietly. "You wouldn't ever choose the likes of HER over your Harley would ya?"

She knew the answer. She always knew the answer.. But she couldn't... She couldn't help but need to ask/ after all, her mind was spiralijg slowly and she knew that ivy would do it in a heart beat to rub it in her face. She just needed to hear him say it. That she would always win out when it came to her and ivy. That joker would always want her. Just her.

She sniffled a little and laid agains his chest, resting her head against his shoulder carefully and closing her eyes, hand resting against him too. She was soaking up the affection he was letting her have.

If she got pregnant... When she got pregnant, sh hoped she'd get LOTS AND LOTS of affection!

Joker almost threw up in his mouth again.

JUST THE THOUGHT-

THE WOMAN PROBABLY TASTES OF BRUSSEL SPROUTS!

Now THAT was something he'd have to ask Bats...

Joker sCOFFED. OUTRAGE.

"I don't even want to shake the asparagus' HAND!" Joker sneered, nasty grin spreading as he ran through various undesirable VEGETABLE nicknames he could call Ivy when they next saw her.

"I don't REMEMBER dinner times, but I PROBABLY NEVER ATE MY GREENS, ANYWAY!" Joker hooted and started up with his insane, infectious laughter again.

Harley sighed out in quiet delight and moved to nuzzle up into him. "Oh puddin," she murmured quietly. "I love you." She told him. She did too! She loved him so damn much, and he was so fantastic, and he always was onher side in these situations...

She sighed and shook the thought and placed a smooch to his cheek before she sat back and began to play with his hands. A game of patty cake coming along the lines somehow or another.

"So what means do we need to give them to keep her contained?" She asked. "I want er to be locked up. Well wait a day or two to leave her in there to pretend like we only started plotting when she got out away. Also because stress isn't good for me right now Yknow? And also to punish her again." Harley decided and laughed a little as she tired her head back then.

But then she wa goin back to curling up into him, yawning all tired and cute like. "Plus.. Plus your Harley's allll outta gas.."

Joker rolled his EYES extravagantly.

On and on and on and ON this kid could TALK.

LIKE A MERRY-GO-ROUND, TOO!

CAROUSEL!

The dark places in Harley's mind called out to LURE the dark places in his and it sOON showed on his face. There was a REASON, after all, that Harley was HIS QUEEN.

"Get this! An anonymous tip is given to the GCPD that one Pamela Lillian Isley is growing ILLEGAL PLANT SUBSTANCES IN HER GREENHOUSE! The police come out in DROVES to crack dOWN on the crack dEN and OF COURSE Ivy will FIGHT TO PROTECT HER PLANTS! Before loooooong, Pammy's murdered a couple dozen PIGS and they havta call on ol' BATSY TO LOCK HER UP!"

Yeeeeeees. This was already sounding bEAUTIFUL!

And they could leave CHARGES dotted around the place... make some plants just BLOW UP... Ivy would no dOUBT just ASSUME the PIGS HAD DONE IT.

It was a masterpiece.

HIS masterpiece.

Harley listened closely to him, nodding her head and grinning nice and wide. "Oh puddin!" She cooed happily. "You're so FANTADTIC!" She told him and kissing his nose happily. "I love you! I love your fantastic plots and plans! she cooed happily. "That's a good good good plan!" She grinned happily and moved to jump off his lap, sprawling across the seat happily. "So well plant the bombs and tHEN GIVE THE COPS A CALL!" She calle and giggled kicking his legs slightly before she jumped up to a sitting position.

"I can't wait!" She tapped at the window. "Ivys green house, Darcy!" She ordered him happily, grinning as she slid back and moved to slide back onto his lap, kissing his jaw and hugging his neck. "I love when you come up with plans like this puddin. My GENIUS MISTAH J!"

Joker was frowning and pouting, prickling uncomfortably under the excessive affection Harley was suffocating him with.

He was trying SO HARD not to lay a hand on her.

DID THE HARLEQUIN HAVE TO MAKE IT THIS DIFFICULT?

NO. NO SHE DID NOT.

But she wouldn't be HARLEY if she didn't PUSH HIS BUTTONS.

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. HIS. BUTTONS.

"Harley..." Joker spoke through clenched teeth, knuckles shaking and turned beyond his alabaster WHITE they were gripping the nearest thing so HARD, "Daddy. Needs. You. To. Stop. That."

He shuddered once she had removed herself from him.

NOT. ENOUGH. SPACE.

NO. CONTROL.

LACK. OF. CHOICE.

INABILITY. TO. THINK.

SICKLY. AFFECTION.

TOO. MUCH. CONTACT.

These were all things his mind was scREAMING at him.

Harley obediently climbed of his lap and say herself next to him, cuddling herself up on the couch. "Sorry puddin... I just get a little too excited," she apologized. She knew she pushed him a bit too much.

She sighed a little and tilte her head back carefully. "Okay, so. Do we have those bombs in the car with us? she asked him happiy. She just wanted to be with him. BUT she also wanted to toeture ivy and teach her a lesson... And so she'd do that WITH him..

She shook the idea and moved to look about til she found a bottle of root beer and began to drink it. Throat dry-

Soda wasn't healthy. Wasn't good for babies.

She frowned and instantly move to open the slot between them and the driver and tossed the open bottle up with him.

"I need WATER AND JUICE BLOO." She huffed before she say back on the seat and huffed annoyed again.

But the switch happened instantly again. "And want me to uh... Give the cops that ANONYMOUS TIP now or after they're planted?"

Joker spread his arms wide, head tipped back and swaying indulgently from side to side,

"The MAIN EVENT'S already being taken care of, dollface! We just have to... SHOW UP!" He granted, shit eating grin speading across his face as he thought over the possibilities for mayhem.

There was such BEAUTY in the chaos...

Imagine if the KID was called CHAOS-

NO. MIDDLE NAME. HAH.

Harley would not be likely to let HIM name the kid. He was good for his DNA and NOTHING ELSE.

The kid would like be kept FAR away from him as it grew up.

And that was pERFECT! That was HOW HE WANTED IT!

All of this would work out... swimmingly...

HE'D HAVE TO GET BATS INVOLVED SOMEHOW.

BATS COULD BE MADE LEGAL GUARDIAN-

THAT would make him more HESITANT to lock em UP! He'd have to talk care of the evil SPAWN while they were banged up in the ASYLUM!

The potential that lay ahead with all of this was... glorIOUS...

The limo arrived at the desired destination and Harley, Joker and a couple of henchmen hastened up to a rooftop close enough to watch the goings on with IVY. Joker held the detonator in his hand and a HORRIFYING grin on his face.

Harley was bouncing on her heels next to him, watching with wide, delighted eyes. Oh, they'd have lots of fun with her old Pammy... Teach her a good lesson. Make her pay for what she did.

Harley almost cackled.

She grinned widely, patting jokers back delightfully. "I think this is the best plot you've came up with all week!" She praised him. "It'll seem like were te good guys when we break her out... But then... The betah-RAYAL!" She threw her hands up and her body tetered backwards a henchmen nudging her to stand up straight because if she fell joker would probably get mad at them.

They didn't like when joker was mad at them. Harley let him straighten her up, bubbling with laughter.

Joker bent down and, from nowhere, picked up a sniper rifle. He didn't notice or TAKE NOTICE of the shocked reactions of everyone around them, he simply just loaded it and turned to the nearest henchman.

DARCY WINCED AND LOOKED LIKE HE WAS BRACING HIMSELF!

Joker's grin was SAVAGE.

He held the rifle up as if aiming right at Darcy's head AND WATCHED THE MAN BEGIN TO CRY.

HIS HENCHMEN WEREN'T ALLOWED TO BE SCARED O H.

Their lives were on the line for HIM.

AND. FOR. HARLEY.

And the... thing.

IF THERE WAS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION THE GOON COULDN'T CRY OR BEG FOR MERCY IF IT WAS HIM OR JOKER.

Needless to say, Joker shot Darcy in the head.

He tilted his head at the corpse, lips curled down. To the rest of his henchmen he turned and spread his arms out, sniper rifle clutched in one hand, "What do we say to the God of Death, folks?! NOT TODAY!"

AS EXPECTED - they all cheered and clapped. SATISFIED, J handed the rifle off to the next henchman and gave orders to detonate the bombs with the gun if the detonator didn't work.

OH, AND DO SOME GENERAL DAMAGE CONTROL WITH IT TOO.

Harley had to hold a hand over Joker's mouth to stop him from CACKLING too loud and giving their position away.

Ivy was milling about taking care of (YOU GUESSED IT!) her plants. How BORING.

WHERE WERE THE POLICE?

COME OOOOOOON!

Harley giggled quietly as she covered jokers mouth, patting at his arm as she saw flashing lights, then she heard the sirens... Next was the proper arrival. "Oh LOOOK! They're here!" She beamed excitedly and moved to whack the nearest henchmens arm. "Ain't this gonna be FANTASTIC, BLOO?" BLOO, on cue, nodded his head quickly and even laughed to please the SHORT QUEEN. Harley grinned and moved to pat his head after.

Her eyes went to the road and she watched as the chaos began.

Wait til ivy knew of the little chaos beginning in her stomach.

Harley couldn't help her squirming, giddy giggles as she watched what was going on. She was so- so excited!

Especially when ivy began fighting back against the police, right according to plan. Oh... Her plants were going sUFFER for her behaviour.

She shook her head, that violent, wide smile spread across her lips in a shit eating manner. Her eyes looked over at joker, grinning. "Things are going alllll according to plaaaassannnnnn~"

Joker angled his head downwards a little, watching from beneath his lashes. The excitement was written ALL OVER HIM.

That would be the WORD OF THE DAY, he reckoned. He'd scrawl it aaaaall over his little notebook later on.

.

Harley still had her hand on his mouth.

T

Joker licked at her hand and snaked an arm around her to stop her from squirming. He slipped the detonator into her hand and covered her hand with his own, guiding her to press the button.

THERE.

NOW IT WAS ROMANTIC!

AH, TRUE ROMANCE!

Joker was allowed to laugh at full volume this time, as the sound of the bombs COVERED THE MIRTH.

OH, AND IVY! I V Y !

He couldn't have DREAMED it to be any better himself!

The power that woman held...

It was practically CRIMINAL!

OOH, THERE WAS BATS!

Joker smacked at Harley's arm excitedly and pointed at Batman like an excitable little FANGIRL.

"DUCK!" He hissed to the crew, and they all DUCKED just as Bats turned to look up at the roof, Ivy all handcuffed and knocked out in his grasp.

Harley said something like " A duck? Where?!"

So Joker quacked at her.

Aaaaaaah, the vegetable's demise had been DELICIOUS! And just to be SPITEFUL...

Joker set the detonators off for a second time.

The plants went up in FLAMES.

Bats whipped around to look at the roof again, but they'd all DUCKED.

Joker quacked again.

Harley giggled.

Bats sighed and left with Ivy.

BRILLIANT.

PHASE TWO WAS IN ACTION.

Harley was bubbled with laughter as she bounced back to her feet, throwing her hands in the air. "Yes!" She exclaimed. "Victoooory!" She exclaimed and moved to take her jokers hands, bouncing excitedly. "Yes! Fantaaastic!" She grinned and then moved to part from him to begin making her way to the steps, her excitement making her do some fancy little flips and cartwheels. The henchmen following and waiting by the steps for Joker, never going first. Harley bouncing down them first.

She was a bundle of delight now. Not ONLY did she get her WISH and managed to talk Joker into having a BABY, but she'd teach Ivy a FANTASTIC LIFE LESSON!

And it was going all perfectly according to plan. "Pudddddin!" She called, placing her hands on her hips as she stood by the car. "are we goin home now? I wanna get some ICE CREAM." She hummed and patted her belly to symbolize that she was hungry.

She was, quite hungry, butttt Harley awlays basically wanted to eat sweet things alone. AND it was pretty hot out so naturally she wanted to go on and eat ice cream. SWEET AND COLD! Her FAVORITE TREAT!


	6. Six: Pregnant

Joker could always, always, ALWAYS TELL when SOMETHING was going to happen.

BAM. THE FEELING WOULD JUST HIT HIM.

Sometimes it would actually just be BATMAN hitting him. Physically. Literally.

But nOT TODAY. Today he was sat at his desk (why is a raven like a writing desk?) and SOMETHING. WAS. MISSING.

HARLEY.

HARLEY. WAS. MISSING.

Frowning, Joker kicked off from the desk and spun and spUN until he came to a stop. THE SPINNING HELPED HIM THINK BECAUSE HE WASN'T REQUIRED TO FOCUS ON ANY ONE THING. ISN'T THAT JUS ?

HAH!

Joker was staring shrewdly at Bloo - lip curling.

Bloo's eyes behind his shades were dilated a little. His breathing got a little ragged. He started to sweat.

THIS was why Joker LIKED Bloo so much - THE GUY WAS SUPER RESPONSIVE. AND Joker LOVED responsive.

Tilting his head now as he glared, Joker let his eyes travel about; listening. It was VERY. SUSPICIOUSLY. QUIET.

WHERE. WAS. HARLEY. QUINN.

"Where is she?" He asked Bloo through the means of a growl, expression all shades of dark. If anyone who knew him well enough (HARLEY) looked closely - he looked a little fearful too. WHERE WAS HARLEY QUINN?

Bloo broke into a more noticeable sweat but kept his cool when he replied,

"She never- She didn't leave the bathroom after you did, boss."

"... Why NOT? It's not like she'd want to BATHE. The girl's obsessed with following... her... RULES..."

Hmm. ON THE SAME TOPIC-

Joker abruptly (and very viciously - causing Bloo to gasp) threw himself up out of the ridiculously expensive desk chair and stalked off to the bathroom, attending to slicking his hair back while he did so.

J didn't bother to knock on the door, simply pushing his way in and looking about the bathroom with a clenched jaw until he spotted Harley on the floor by the toilet. She was practically DRAPED over it.

A tick went off in his jaw.

POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?POISON?

IVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVYIVY-

"Harls..." he growled possessively, stalking over to hover over her protectively, "Who DID this to you?"

HE had, of course, but he didn't KNOW that.

Harley had gotten sick. In fact she'd been sick off and on every now and then for the past week or so. She hadn't said anything to Joker because well- she wanted to make sure it wasn't some weird COLD at first. But now she was sure. She'd missed her period, she'd been sick, tempermental.. All the signs! She was now draped across the toilet, when he'd come barging in. Her head lifted, eyes heavy but happy, she'd been sweating a ltitle, hair stuck to her forhead. She sniffled, hand reaching up to rub her eyes. "I'm uh- I'm okay," She assured him, moving to carefully, shakily pick herself up and flush the toilet before she moved to wash ehr hands and brush her teeth. When she finished, she placed her hands on the counter. "I'm uh.. I think its time we pay the store a visit to get a couple pregnancy tests.." She said quietly, nodding her head, a smile settled on her lips.

"I missed my period, I've been sick.. Moody.. I don't have a cold or the flu and god knows I'm not posioned.. so.. The only answer is.. That I'm pregnant," Her voice was quiet, shaky from the previous vomitting she'd done.

Harley looked to the mirror to examine herself, moving to fix her hair properly. "Could we just send bloo down to grab one? I still don't.. Feel the best," She told him, turning to lean her butt against the counter. "I think I'm better off staying a bit closer to the bathroom in the mean time so I don't end up throwing up on someone."

Joker

did

not

know

how

to

react

whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat-

howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow-

whattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodowhattodo-

HARLEY.

HARLEY. WAS. SICK.

In a slightly dazed state, he called out to Bloo, but stood in front of the door to prevent him from going in. Harley-girl was VULNERABLE. Nobody was ALLOWED near Harley now.

"It's D-Day, Bloo." Joker grumbled/growled. Bloo knew what this meant. He bowed his head and turned to... LEAVE... to get the...

Urgh. JOKER FELT SICK.

OkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkayOkay-

He took a moment to clench his jaw, grills grinding against each other, and clutched at his head. He smacked himself once, twice, a third time. FIVES TIMES IN TOTAL.

WOOH. OKAY.

HARLEY. HARLEY. HARLEY.

He stripped his dress shirt off and returned to the bathroom topless. Both of them were mOST comfortable when it was skin to skin.

J sprawled himself down on the floor and crossed his legs like a school child and beckoned for Harley to join him. He collected his damaged little harlequin up in his arms, rubbing at her back.

Harley smiled at the sight of him when he returned to her. She crawled into his lap and curled herself up in his chest, resting her forehead against him. The feeling of his skin against hers soothed the pain that was beginning to grow in her head from the illness she'd gotten the morning. Oh, it would be worht it. It would be so worth it when she had their BOUNCING BABY BOY in her arms come nine months. Their baby! Their son.. Nine months..

Harley sighed out and rubbed at his arms a little, leaning back to look up at him with her soft eyes. "I guess that serum that Pammy made us was real strong huh? We only tried once.." She mumbled before she grew uncomfortable. She wiggled herself around to curl herself completely up in his chest, trying to stay calm, to not get sick. SHe rubbed at her stomach, the notion combined with Joker rubbing her back instantly calming her down.

She remained quiet after that, happy to be cuddled up with him, slowly coming out of the spurt of morning sickenss. Just as bloo returned too! She looked up at the knock and smiled a little, "Guess that'd be my test huh?" She mumbled and moved to get up carefully, sniffling slightly. She was almost nervous.

Joker didn't let her leave. His arm snaked around her to bring her BACK DOWN.

He reminded HIMSELF of...

And the thought was GONE.

JUST. LIKE. THAT.

Joker made a noise that was something like a mix between a jaguar and a mama bear. Bloo was TOO CLOSE. He snarled silently, mouth formING THE SHAPE.

He refused to leave the room even as Harley was doing the test. Instead he PACED and called Batman.

"Bats?"

"Who is- HOW did you-"

"You're far too easy to hack, Bats."

"Joker? Why-"

"I'm at a fork in the road, Bats. The QUESTION is do I get TUGGED down it or do I SKIP down it?"

"I-"

"You wouldn't UNDERSTAND, Bats. You haven't had any bat-spawn, and nO YOU CAN'T COUNT SIDEKICKS!"

"What did you just- Joker-"

"Batsy-baby, ciao!"

"WAIT-"

Joker hung up with a sigh and turned to stare at... whatever HARLEY was doing. His teeth were clenched and his hands were planted on his hips.

Harley had gone about doing the test properly, and now she was sat on the floor staring at it and waiting for it to give her an answer.

And then there it was. a POSITIVE SIGN.

She was pregnant.

Harley was pregnant.

She and J were gonna have a baby.

Harley felt tears come to her eyes as she stared down at it in her hands for a few moments. A sniffle left her and by the time she'd brought herself to her feet she was full on BAWLING.

She quickly moved her small body over to wrap it around Joker, face tucked into his chest as she cried. It was hAPPY TEARS though! She was pregnant! Finally she'd get the chance to have a baby, to be a mom, and with Joker too! He'd make such a fantastic dad once he got past the whole ordeal an became more use to the idea. she knew he'd be a good dad.

She nuzzled her nose into his chest and began sniffling again.

"Were havin a BABY puddin!"

Joker froze up like a STATUE.

A REAL, AUTHENTIC, BRUCE-WAYNE-AT-A-PRESS-CONFERENCE STATUE. A CLAYFACE LEVEL STATUE.

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

She was...

It was actually...

Joker's head sPUN RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD, BABY-

LIKE A CAROUSEL.

DADDY. ISSUES.

He was conflicted because the little pink sign on the test looked jUST LIKE CANDY AND HOW COULD ANYTHING AS DELIGHTFUL AS CANDY BE SO HORRIFYING.

IT WAS LIKE A DREAM. A DREAM HE WASN'T SURE ABOUT. HOW DID HE FEEL ABOUT THIS DREAM?

Maybe he was still undergoing shock therapy at Arkham. .

AND WHY WAS HARLE ?

HADN'T SH THIS? HIM FOR IT?

WHY WAS THE KID CRYING?

Joker was still frozen, arms outstretched but stuck. Harley didn't seem to mIND NOR NOTICE! The girl seemed content to bawl into and clutch at a STATUE'S chest. Joker felt as if he could die-

He ALWAYS felt like that.

This was-

This was DIFFERENT.

He hummed out loud, still frozen.

RATS.

She'd actually gotten PREGNANT.

WELL, THIS IS FOR THE LEGACY.

Harley pulled herself together quickly. "This calls for some celebatory ICE CREAM!" She sang as she danced out the door, pregnancy test left on the floor as she quickly moved to the kitchen. But, then Batsy was flying in through the door.

"What is going ON here?" He questioned.

Harley stared at him. Thats right, Puddin had given him a call just before she found out she was pregnant.. Right.. True.. Harley beamed innocently at him.

"Wellll Batsy.." She started, trailing a hand over her belly. "I'm PREGNANT!" She said happily before disappearing into the kitchen. Though when she found there was nO ICE CREAM, she whined, quite loudly and barged out of it, kicking at the nearest henchmens leg.

"go get me soME ICE CREAM DARCY!" She ordered, still kicking at his shin.

Darcy in question, had nodded his head and quickly fumbled off to get HER MAJESTY the ice cream in question.

"Puddin should be.. Comin down soon. I think he's still in shock that hes gonna uh.. be a DADDY. It's all about his little legacy though, this little fella will be just LIKE ihm when he's older!" She sighed happily, fallingup against BLOO who had previously been upstairs. Who instantly went wide eyed and started to sweat, hoping she'd move before Joker came down.

Joker's timing was always flawless. He strode into the room, a fixed, haunted look on his face. He didn't even react to BATMAN getting past ALL THEIR SECURITY.

Of course he had. Why would J want security that kept out BATMAN?

J's eyes widened and his nostrils flared angrily at the sight of Harley cuddling up with Bloo-

"REALLY, A WOMAN BECOMES VULNERABLE FOR ONE SECOND-" He yelled and grabbed her baseball bat, pushing at Bloo until the man was far enough away from SAID PRECIOUS CARGO that Joker could swing at him, "AND THE VULTURES COME, UH, SWEEPING IN!"

Joker beat the man to death, aND THEN, just for good measure - he shot Bloo in the head. Darcy and the others came ah-rUNNIN to clean up the mess. J PAUSED.

SOMETHING WAS OFF.

WHY WAS HE NOT GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE?

WHY WAS BATS JUS THERE?

J HAD JUS SOMEBODY-

Joker walked up to Bats and smacked at his cheeks,

"Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy Batsy-" He chanted until Batman pulled himself out of his shock and swatted his hand away. Even with all the UNECESSARY AMOUNTS OF KOHL EYELINER AND THE BLACK MASK AND STUFF - BATS WAS CLEARLY SHAKEN UP.

"QUINN," Batman had gone to speak to Harley but had accidentally shouted it. Joker stepped towards him and he composed himself, "Quinn. PLEASE tell me this is another JOKE."

Joker tapped conspiratorially at the side of his nose and sidled over to wrap an arm around Harley as if she were a prize he'd just won,

"I thought you, of ALL people, Batsy, would have UNDERSTOOD by now, that EVERYTHING IS ONE GREAT BIG JOKE!"

Joker glared down at her ASS - which BELIEVE ME was a VERY difficult thing for him to do.

THEN he glared at BATS. The man had brought out his sPECIAL BAT HANDCUFFS.

"Now, now, now, now, NOW, Bats... just WHAT are you gonna do with THOSE?" He murmured darkly, arms curling around Harley and pushing her about until she was behind him. Joker raised his lack of eyebrows and spread his arms out either side, face tilted a little upwards - mouth a little open. The 'DAMAGED' on Joker's forehead SCREAMED at Batman.

Bats HAD been the reason he'd lost all his TEETH and GOTTEN the tattoo in the FIRST PLACE.

"You have once chance to surrender," Batman told the entire room.

CROOKED BATS.

"Aaw, come on, Bats! You're gonna arrest a couple'a parents-to-be?"

"... Yes. That baby needs to be taken proper care of and kept safe."

"Oh, pooey. I'm still REELING from the news! This isn't a FAIR FIGHT!"

"I don't care, Joker. You just killed a man and your girlfriend is pregnant. You're going to be a father. You need to prepare for that in Arkham."

Harley had cleared her throat carefully as she watched Joker beat Bloo to death. He hadn't been that touchy about her being physical with the henchmen before. Her head tilted, confused as she observed him. She noted he also seemed to get EQUALLY AS AGITATED when Batman accidentally yelled at her..

Strange.

She shook her head and cuddled up to her Joker. "Nah Batsy, its ::true!:: I'm PREGNANT!" She grinned and began pressing little kisses to Jokers jaw. "And were gonna have a BOY. Thats what Ivy's little serum was suppose to ENSURE." She explained and patted at Jokers chest delightfully, tracing along the laughter on his shoulder and chest. "Puddins gonna make such a FANTASTIC DADDY! Though I think he mentioned he wanted YOU to be a uh.. Legal guardian.. Uh.. God father. Yes! Godfather. You'll be little J's godfather!" She nodded, the woman ha ddecided it already.

"Hows that sound puddin?" She didn't bother asking Batsy. He'd say no anyway.

The man was standing there in shock for gods sake!

"If ya don't believe me bats wait til I start SHA-OWIN! IT WONT BE TERRIBLY LONG~" She giggled delightfully and moved her hand to rub her belly happily. "A coup;le weeks at most! I think.. Yeah, that seems about right unless I don't get TERRIBLY big which I don't see happening as theres some myth I heard about if your morning sickness is bad then you're gonna be HUGE!"

Joker's eye twitched, his GRIN faltering. The, uh, JOKE wasn't so FUNNY when COLD. HARD. FACTS. WERE INVOLVED.

The only REASON he could bear any of it was THE REACTION BATS WAS GIVING THEM! HOOHOOH!

THE MAN WAS ACTING LIKE HE'D JUST FOUND IT H E WAS THE FATHER HIMSELF!

How did he think JOKER felt?

With a scoff, Joker pulled Harley closer to his side, puffing out his chest and letting her fawn over him,

"You know what, Bats? YOU CAN BE ONE OF HIS MIDDLE NAMES! LITTLE J BATMAN CHAOS QUINN!"

"The name sounds so PERFECT laready!" Harley told him, grinning as she pressed a kiss to his neck. But then Darcy was showing up with her ice cream and the girl zipped away from joker to snatch the ice cream from him, the henchmen INSTANTLY STEPPING BACK so he wasn't too close to her, knowing that Joker would probably SHOOT HIM DEAD. Harley thanked him excitedly and bounced back to the kitchen, returning with a HUGMONGUS BOWL OF ICE CREAM!

Batman instantly looked unimpressed.

"I uh- I can't be the godfather- Quinn, why on earth do you have a huge bowl of ice cream?"

"... CAuse its CELEBATORY?"

"You can't eat like this anymore."

"BUT BATSY."

"It's unhealthy."

She instantly put on a pout, stared the man directly in those LITTLE INTENSE EYES and SHOVED AN ENTIRE SPOONFUL INTO HER MOUTH.

hah. Take that.

Joker tilted his head very slowly at B-man. Was he feeling THREATENED? Did he have a THING FOR HARLEY?

... NO... he'd punched her in the FACE too many times for THAT to be true.

SO THEEEEEN...

WHAT?

WHAT WAS IT?

Why was old Bats SO-

The kid?

The kid.

Batsy was a sucker for kids. WHAT A PANSY!

Joker rolled his EYES and clasped his hands together as if in prayer, looking up to the cEILING FOR HELP.

THEY COULDN'T EVE WITH BATS ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'D REFUSE TO GO AGAINST THEM!

POO-EY! NO FUN!

Joker crossed his arms and glared at Harley's stomach. HE HATED THIS THING ALREADY.

Harley squinted then in thought and turned to look up at Joker, asessing his appearance. "D'ya think the little fella will come out with green hair?" She said thoughtfully. "Or blonde..." She looked to her stomach. "maybe brown.." SHe trailed off in thought head bobbing side to side thoughtfully. "We'll have to find out later!" She said and moved to SCARF HER ICE CREAM DOWN before she bounced over to the darts they had.

They had a real dartboard too. Just when they were waiting for more neighbours.

"Hey BATSY wanna play a game of DARTS?" She asked and looked through the henchmen for a proper board. "You! Grahmcracker. Be the board."

'GRAHMCRACKER' looked terrifiedd with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth. "But- Miss- Miss Quinn-"

"BOARD." She repeated, louder.

"Why can't JOHN be the board? He's been slacking alll week.." he tried to reason.

Harleys eyes darkened and she started at the one she labeled grahmcracker.

"If you don't make yourself into a dart board I'm going to shove this dart into your eye

and turn it into eye-on-a-stick and make you eat it."

Joker dRAGGED himself out of his VOID OF NEWLY PARENTAL MISERY and snatched the darts away from Harley.

"Harley..." he warned her, complete lack of eyebrows raised. WHY. DID. SHE. NOT. HAVE. ANY. SENSE. OF. SELF. PRESERVATION.

J would have THOUGHT that spending as much time as she had with Ivy would have AT LEAST made her mORE-

"Quinn, are you going to be a hazard to yourself and that baby?" BATMAN SPOKE UP OUT O E-

WHAT? D?

Had the freak MET Harley? THAT WAS THE POINT!

Joker and Harley both blinked at Batman.

Batman sighed.

"Please- Just- Don't-" BatsY LOOKED SO UPSET!

It was enough to make ANYONE wanna adopt the poor, overgrown fREAK!

"Please just TAKE CARE OF THE KID?" Batman looked oH, SO DESPERATE!

Yeesh! Why don'tcha just MARRY the thing already!

Harley had blinked and stared up at joker, then stared at batman. "I'm not going to end up throwing a dart at my stomach, guys." She huffed and looked back to joker. "You're both actin weird! First puddin won't let anyone stand too close to me and now ya both lecturing me about DARTS." She puffed her cheeks.

These boys are weird. They're already babyin HER. why? Harley could HANDLE HERSELF.

"I don't plan on doin something that could put m'baby at risk. Not after what I did to GET it." She told batman specifically and moved to tuck herself into jokers chest with a little pout on her lips. "So how far are my restrictions goin huh? Am I not gonna be able to cut my own food too?" She wuestioned, the henchmen looking relieved that joker and batman stopped the little fireball from playing darts with his face.

Joker snarled, eyes narrowed but fixed obsessively on Batman.

They TRIED to fight, of course, but...

He was BATMAN. The GOONS were all knocked out in SECONDS and he and Harley hadn't been TOUCHED violently, but the TRAUMA was there, yOU KNOW? Joker tried to bite Batman as he was escorted out to the Batmobile. Bats smacked him upside the head!

RUDE!

"If I get put into another straight jacket I WILL strangle them with it." Harley announced, cheeks puffed out with annoyance as they were escorted to the asylum. Harley had stayed close to joker, cuddled up into his side with a little huff. "And ya can't seperate us this time!" She told bats, who sighed loudly in agreement.

At least tey wouldn't be separated.

Harley smiled nice as wide and stretched the best she could. She would be fine as long as they were kept together. She didn't want to be away from joker during her pregnancy. Not like that. She wanted to be next to him. She wanted his comfort... She sighed ou a little and looked up at joker. "Well just break out when were boRED anyway!" She giggled.

Ah, all too true and batsy knew it. They could NEVER keep them locked up an when they tried to escape this time it would be much worse because he could see already that joker wouldn't let Harley be touched by any guard.

They'd all be slaughtered.

Joker had his eyes SET steadily on Batman's in the rearview mirror. He and Harley-cakes were all bundled up in the back.

B-man did his best to IGNORE Joker, he could TELL the freak was, uh, TRYING, but when the Joker wanted ATTENTION - he GOT it.

"It's against the law to put a pregnant woman in a straight jacket," Bats monotoned, driving up through the big dREADED gates to the asylum, "You'll be in a cell together but don't get your hopes up about escaping. I'll be staying to guard you and to prevent unnecessary slaughter."

Joker angled his face accordingly and spat so far it landed right on the mirror. Batman grunted in annoyance.

Joker found his SMILE again, tipping his head back and swaying about as he laughed. He leaned on Harley and rested his cheek on her head,

"We'll get out, Harley-mine. Don't you worry about THAT," he promised darkly, growling around the words. Savagely, he GRINNED, once again catching Bats' eye in the rearview mirror once he'd cleaned off the pERFECTLY AIMED (if he did say so himself) SPIT.

They were shepherded into Arkham - Batman keeping a hold on Joker but keeping his space from Harley. For the most part the freak seemed to just trust she'd follow as long as he had Joker in his grasp - which she did.

Anybody who tried to step in and help either cowered and backed away after seeing the LOOK JOKER GAVE THEM, or backed off because Batman warned them not to touch Harley.

Harley had bounced alongside joker, looking up at him and smiling a little. "I know puddin." She told him and wiggled in her restraints. She moved to lean up against him, causing bats to step to walk on the other side of joker so he wouldn't be near her. He knew joker would throw a fit if he touched her. Once they were in their cell, the restraints were if and Harley lightly rubbed at her belly, moving to pepper kisses to joker, hugging into him. "At least were together, mistah j," she mumbled into his chest and looked out through the window at the people outside, bats telling them that Harley was pregnant. That they weren't to touch her at all ever because it agitated joker.

Harley instantly had a good idea in her mind, she'd probably get physical with a guard. Get joker AGITATED. she liked that: and batsy wouldn't b able to do AnythING! Why? Because he WARNED THEM!

Joker stood there. SOLID. PROTECTING. S A F E.

Except NOT. RIGHT. IN. THE. LION'S. DEN.

Sure he didn't have to WORRY about HARLEY this time, because (by sOME BAT RELATED MIRACLE) they'd been placed in a larger cell together. There were even... facilities... and... privacy curtains...

Joker shuddered. Why did they BOTHER to DOMESTICATE AN ASYLUM?

Something niggled at him, then. Joker jerked his head to the side, trying to ignore it, he jerked his head upwards away from his collarbone, grimacing. SOMETHING WAS OFF AGAIN.

OFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFF-

WHY would they domesticate a LARGE cell? They must have-

It was like-

IT WAS LIKE THEY KNEW-

Joker roared in outrage and ripped himself away from Harley, throwing himself viciously against the glass,

"BATS!" He called out in his furiousl yell, "WHICH LITTLE BIRD :: :: YOU AND HOW DID THEY :: :: ?" He DEMANDED.

THIS WAS OUTRAGE. THIS WAS-

THIS-

BETRAYAL.

Only the HENCHMEN had known. Ivy wouldn't have BOTHERED. Ivy would have kept QUIET FOR HARLEY.

SO THEY HAD A RAT AMONG THEIR MASSES OF SNAKES.

IT WAS WELL KNOWN SNAKES ATE :: :: FOR BREAKFAST.

Joker SNARLED and banged again and again and again and again at the glass, hair falling out of place and landing in disarray around his face. If Joker's skin was CAPABLE of it, he would be RED WITH RAGE.

He stopped his assault on the glass only when Harley wrapped herself around him. He let her comfort him, chest rising and falling, eyes darting around like a CAGED ANIMAL.

AND HE WAS!

Batman came up to the glass,

"You're too proud with your plans, Joker. Robin was waiting around to arrest Ivy when the two of you showed up and forced her to make the serum."

Joker banged his forehead against the glass and left it there, quaking with his fury,

"So it WAS a little birdie..." Joker growled, "remember when I clipped the WINGS of your OTHER birdie? Your FRAUD? SHE WON'T WALK AGAIN, WILL SHE?" Joker roared happily, dropping back to the floor by Harley so that he could LAUGH.

AH, YES. BARBARA GORDON. SHE'D BEEN A FUN ONE TO TORMENT. IT WAS SO EASY! JUST TAKE HER DAD AND SHE'S YOURS!

Harley had sat with him on the floor, carefully smoothing his hair back and curling up into him with a little hum. "We'll get out, mistah J" She said softly and moved to curl up in his lap. Everything was out now, but they were together, and that meant nothing would happen. Nothing. Because they were TOGETHER. SAFE. Harley carefully stood up from his lap and moved to casually pull the curtain across and then sat herself down with him again, nuzzling his jaw. "Just think about it to our advantage," She started. "They wont dare do certain things now. They wont get physical. They'll be.. easier to take down." She told him softly, hands rubbing his arms. "So easy to take down. They're more volunerable now becausee they're going to be too nervous to do the things they normally would in fear of making you angry." She pointed out.

"Batman is gonna stay guard for us, apparently, but alllll we gotta do is wait for him to run off to do his BATSY thing and then we can easily take the guards down and get out." She whispered. "These curtains make it SO EASIER." SHe told him, patting at his cheek. "So much easier, puddin." She assured before she tugged him over to the bed, the girl sprawling out on it, tugging him with her. "But for now.. We just gotta wait til one comes into the room." She said softly, grinning.

Oh, Harley would just make the guard touch her in some way. Get too close ot her. Then they'd be fine and dandy to get out because Joker would likely go on rampage and kill the guard and then the other guards would come and more would die and the line would go so easily like that.

Joker listened in raging silence, chest still furiously rising and falling.

No straight jackets this time. Harley. He had HARLEY. Bats would be nearby. Easy. It would be EASY.

THE THING WAS, though-

Bats would likely just come get them again. The freak seemed HELLBENT on keeping them locked uP.

Joker stared fixatedly at Harley as they lay there, too stubborn to look at anything else. He'd only ever bROKEN OUT in the past to BE WITH HARLEY, anyway. She was right here.

AND PREGNANT.

Joker felt nauseous again and shut his eyes.

A full body shudder ran through him and he smacked at the side of his head viciously again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and-

Harley caught his hand and sTOPPED HIM.

That was RIGHT.

HARLEY WAS RIGHT HERE.

In acTUALITY...

There were no weapons. No rivals to hARM HER WHILE SHE WAS VULNERABLE.

No VULTURES to swoop in while she was vulnerable.

A sinister grin spread across Joker's face.

This just made it tHAT MUCH EASIER to keep Harley locked away and all to himself.

She didn't even have to SPEAK to other people. There was NO going out to VISIT HER FRIENDS.

OH, NO. SHE WAS ALL HIS.

There was no escape.

There never would be.

Joker picked up a strand of her hair and twirled it around and around his finger until it forced her to move closer to him.

"We'll be out in no time, puddin." Harley said as he pulled her closer. She leaned to press a kiss to his lips and grinned delightfully. "We'll be able to go home and have a proper bed." She glanced at the one they had now. "This one aint too comfy." She announced and moved to press a kiss to his lips, a soft small one that she hoped made him a little calmer. "And at least we got our privacy huh? And uh.. We're TOGETHER. No straight jackets for either of us.. And SLEEPING will be a LOT EASIER because we aren't in separate rooms.." She mumbled.

She didn't expect him to want to stay there. She didn't exactly know that he wanted to keep her away from everyone and everything.

Except for him.

She hummed and nuzzled into him, humming happily before she paused. "D'ya think I'll still be allowed to eat ice cream or is batsy gonna take that from me too.." She trailed off with a little pout. "A little ice cream wouldn't hURT." She complained and pushed her face into his neck, simply staying there after, her hands holding his side, dainty little fingers curled into his shirt.

For once, Joker just let her be. He extended his arms out robotically and brought the little harlequin into his embrace.

Yes...

...

WEEKS later and they were STILL. THERE.

The BAT. JUST. DID. NOT. LEAVE.

He had his little bird do all the ACTUAL WORK FOR HIM.

Joker was MOODY and CLINGY and UNCOMFORTABLE with all the GUARDS AROUND THEM.

Harley was starting to sHOW A LITTLE AND H IT.

SHE WAS A WALKING TARGET.

And also he couldn't hold her without the THING getting in the way.

BUT MOSTLY IT MADE HER VISIBLY WEAK.

Both of them were getting a little... STIR... CRAZY...

CRAZIER THAN BEFORE.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

HOW?

Didn't SOMEONE owe them?

Didn't BATS have enough ENEMIES?

RATS AND TRAITORS.

HE'D HAVE ALL HIS HENCHMEN KILLED WHEN HE GOT OUT.

He WOULD.

He'd hire MORE henchmen first-

AND THEN HE WOULD.

Joker was all curled up on the floor by the glass, rocking in a foetal position. One of the doctors he'd flirted with (and possible caused to fall in love with him- wHOOPS?) stopped by with a gASP and dROPPED TO HER KNEES! (no innuendo intended, but-)

Like a damn ROMANCE NOVEL, the woman placed her hands on the GLASS and stared at him all forlorn and hEARTBROKEN.

Boy, was THAT a mistake.

"J..." she spoke sadly.

Joker just stared at her.

Did she not understand she was a pawn?

Did she not realise she'd just signed her own death sentence?

Did she not SEE the hormonal and INSANE, crazy jealous PREGNANT woman standing nearby?

Often, J thought that the doctors at the asylum were more insane than the actual INMATES.

HIMSELF INCLUDED.

Harley was a SHINING EXAMPLE.

Harley was growing anxious, angsty. Especially when that stupid, annoying doctor came along and behaved in such a manner. Harley would kill her first she decided. Her body trailed carefully over to them, eyes glaring deeply at the woman through the glass before she sat next to her joker and began to stroke his hair slowly, before she leaned down and slowly pressed a few kisses allong his neck, til she could kiss his lips slowly.

Then, quietly into his mouth, she mumbled.

"I'm going to rip that bitches tongue out the moment we get out of this :: :: room.." And then she lifted her head to stare into the eyes of the doctor that was standing there, or rather, kneeling there. Her hand fell to her stomach for a moment, rubbing against the swelling mound. Her head fell to an awkward angle after a second, eyes dark, her insanity lurking inside them.

The scariest thing about Harley was she knew how this place worked inside and out, and she was SMART. Probably one of the smartest criminals who were clinically insane. Annnnd she had some interesting thoughts on torture.

Her lip curled back over her teeth in a small snarl. Similar to that of what Joker got like whenever one of the male guards eyes would linger too long on Harley as they passed.

She raised her hand, flipping the girl a finger before she moved to casually, drag the finger across her neck to signal a cutting sensation before she limply let her head fall to the side.

Then the laughter came.

Joker bashed his forehead against the glass again and again, metal teeth bared - smile like a SHARK. He had NEVER done anything to make this woman think she was more than a pawn. Who did she THINK she WAS?

HAAAAAAAARLEY?

ahhahahahahahahahahahahha~

WHAT A GREAT JOKE!

As the thought came to him, Joker rolled back, all curled up in a ball - his arms linked around his legs as he rocked. Frantic, maniacal laughter filled the cell, coming across to the outside as all muffled.

THE. EFFECT. WASN'T. AS. DESIRED.

Joker GROWLED like a wild cougar, swiveling round to snap at... what was the, uh, DOCTOR'S name?

He didn't even know.

His mind was... VACANT. REACHING. ECHOING.

IT WAS... A CHASM.

And the Doctor's name just was not in there. J just... hE HADN'T PROCESSED IT.

"Doctooooooooooor~" Joker sang, bashing his forehead against the glass again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again again and again-

The EGO-MANIAC woman looked suitably horrified and was slowly recoiling

"Come ALONG, Doctoooooooor~" Joker growled the first and sung the second part, "Give Daddy a little sugar."

He splayed his hands on the glass then, still thumping his head harshly against the glass, but he was laughin slowly, now.

This could gO, uh, TWO WAYS, see-!

Either she TAKES THE BAIT and steps into the cell OR she REACTS.

The FIRST offers MURDER and the second offers ENTERTAINMENT.

Both were INEVITABLE.

Harley pushed her jealous nature aside when she noticed his little game, a grin coming to her lips before she got off the floor and trailed back towards the bathroom section, pulling the plittle privacy curtain they had there across too. But she just stood there, hands fiddling, cracking her fingers nice and SLOW as she waited. Her tongue flicked across her lips, waiting to hear her voice. Hear her in the room. Oh, she could feel it. She definitely would come into the room. How did Harley know..? Well.. Harley was that doctor seven years ago.

And just like Harley expected, the wwoman bit her lip, glanced side to side to check for other people before she unlocked the door with her handy dandy key card and quickly entered the room. She closed the door behind her, moving then to Joker. "Oh J," She started sadly. "You must be so AGGITATED stuck in here.. All the time.. With no one but Miss Quinn and I'm sure she can't be much fun with the whole.. Pregnancy thing." She mused quietly as she moved closer to the white skinned man.

Oh, that :: ::.. Using Harleys PREGNANCY, the fact she was carrying their LOVE child as an excuse to get into HER PUDDINS pANTS! What an ungreatful, stupid, oblivious skank.

Harley couldn't blame her though.. She'd been a doctor here, and she'd fallen so head over heels with Joker.. He had that trait. He could some how, trick everyone into lOVING him! He was charismatic, charming when he wanted to be..

It was so easy to fall in love with him.

Harley almost had to pause to fall in love with that man all over again, hand resting on the little bump on her belly, before she'd turned to peak out through the curtains.

Joker moved his eNTIRE body (still all curled uP and a'rockin' like a rocking chair from a horror movie!) to track her movement.

OOOOH, SO SHE WOUL IT!

A teeny tiny, weeny winy part of him was IMPRESSED. The majoRITY, though...

Heh. HehehehehehehHEH. He sounded the gasping, trailing off WHINE at the end of his laugh within his head. This, uh, so called dOCTOR was lookin' to just SLIP right off this mortal coil!

Instead of showcasing his amusement, Joker looked up from the floor, right at Harley from under his lashes. His gaze was dark and menacing and the two of them communicated in the brief exchange with nothing but their eyes. They'd been together for sEVEN YEARS!

WHAT. A. COMMITMENT.

Joker could read Harley like his favourite book. AND HE HAD AND WOULD! OVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVEROVERANDOVER-

Doctor whatsherface was... HURRYING (?) over to him?

From his BRIEF, brief, VERY brief mental discussion with Harley, J knew he was to play... the... bait...

Maybe THIS ONE had a key card...

That would make her good for SOMETHING, then, hmmm?

Joker kept his knees to his chest, cocking his head coyly at the Doctor,

"Doctor... such lengths you go to just to see little... ol'... ME..." Joker flashed his teeth at her, grin charming on the surface but completely disingenuous, "One might think... you were... in LOVE with me, oh, DOCTOR..."

YES, YES, YES! PLANT THE THOUGHT IN HER HEAD!

LOOK AT HER CRAZY FACE! SHE BELIEVES IT!

Harley had convinced Batman earlier to give her a cup. The idiot gave her a glass cup. s. A GLASS. He gave a psychopath a GLASS. But that was also because she cried and cried and CRIED until he handed it over to her. Harley always got what she wanted.

So, the girl had already broken it. That way if this did happen there would be NO noise. Nothing to alert the woman. Harley snuck, quiet as can be, up behind her while the doctor stared at him with slughtly parted lips.

Harley once had the same look.

She slid her tongue over her lips before she roughly grabbed her pony tail. She ripped violently at her hair, roughly dragging her head backwards. "Doctor.. Doctor.. DOCTOR.." She snarled quietly. "You'd think with your degree in psychology you'd know to study your patients a tiny bit more. My file, if you looked, would tell you that I'm an extremely paranoid jealous pregnant lady who will literally kill aNYONE who looks at her puddin, let alone.. FLIRT.." she snarled into her ear. "HIS would tell you that hes a sadistic, charming, charasmiatic psychopath who has a THING for making doctors and pretty stupid interns into FAAAALLING in love with him, and then.." She dug the glass into her neck slowly. "He uses them." She whispered. "And the joke? YOU.. You are the joke." She whispered lowly, before she roughly ripped the glass across her neck and sliced it open before she let her drop.

"Stupid whore," She grumbled quietly and moved to begin looking through her things before standing and offering up a keycard. "HERE YA GO!"

Joker watched keenly, head swaying slowly from side to side, angled downwards a little.

"I've only got the ONE for keeps, cUPCAKE!" He leered at the doctor right before Harley slit the woman's throat. J could have sWORN HE WAS IN LOVE WITH THE CRAZY LOON.

If she wasn't sO... he would haVE...

"Bye-bye!" he waved to the doctor as she bleed out.

AH, PRETTY, PRETTY CRIMSON.

TALK about pah-RETTY CRIMSON! Joker darted forwards to kiss HARLEY'S RED, RED, BLOODY RED LIPS OVER THE DEAD DOCTOR.

WHO EVEN HAD SHE BEEN? WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHO?

J was an OWL.

HAH! A CUCKOO!

He'd ALWAYS adored those cLOCKS!

"Come ALONG, Harley-miiiiine~" he sung, dancing over to swipe the key card.

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER DANCED A-RIGHT THROUGH TO THE SECURITY ROOM WITH HARLEY-GIRL AS MANY STEPS BEHIND HIM AS HE DEMANDED.

OOOH, SHE WAS :: :: - THAT GIRL!

Harley grinned delightfully and happy trotted behind her lover, head cocked slightly to the side while she looked around them, sliding her tongue across her lips and humming quietly. "That was almost TOO easy, Puddin. SOOO eaSY! Not one complication, she behaved eXACTLY AS EXPECTED!" She hummed and her hand fell to rub against her little bump. Harley was once more annoyed by how that bimbo used her pregnancy as an excuse for the Joker to be aggitated.

Well. He was probably agitated by her pregnancy. But she still had NO RIGHT TO SAY IT!

Only Harley or Joker would be allowed to say it. Only them. Only ever them.

She bounced a little with excitement. "Oh! And I heard Batsy had STEPPED OUT TODAY! So he wont be here to throw us abck into our celllll.." She sing songed for him with a grin on her pretty lips.

The ones that thankfully hadn't been lonely since they were taken into the asylum. Thank you batsy, for putting them in the same room!

harley couldn't imagine how bad it'd be if they were seperated.. Joker would most definietly had thrown a fit. Even more so now that she was VOLUNERABLE in his eyes.

Joker was clearly in the bEST of his ever interchanging MOODS.

He skipped back a few steps so that he could pAT ADORINGLY AND PINCH FONDLY AT HARLEY'S CHEEKS.

AHHHH, TODAY WAS A :: :: DAY! HE HAD A WHOLE LOTTA BODIES TO GO INTO THE FUNHOUSE NOW THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE'A THEIR GOONS WAS DUE TO GET IT.

Joker whistled joyously, not at ALL caring who he was drawing towards them. BATS wasn't there - so WHO could even STOP THEM?

NOBODY, that's who, folks!

Joker straight up just KNOCKED OUT the first guard to come running around the corner (still whistling) and scooped up the baton, too, starting to BASH THE BASTARDS PIG HEAD IN IN IN IN IN IN IN IN-

(still whistling)

IMAGINE THE POOR FOOL WHO TRIED TO TOUCH HIS HARLEY!

Harley was a bundle of giggles. She watched with delightful eyes as the man got killed by her pUDDIN! She grinned, nice and wide, a bundle of giggling. "Oh Puddin y'so hoooot when you kill people~!" She cheered happily and bounced over to him, looking down to watch the gorgeous.. Mess of mush. Fantastic. Harley loved it. But then of course another came around the corner and, harley being the closest, he grabbed her. Good god. Really, really?! REALLY?!

She rolled her eyes back as the guard called for back up. "You're gonna uh.. GET ya self HURT like this..." she glanced at the name tag. "BOOBBY.." She sang as she simply wiggled free from him. Boy, this one didn't have much of a grip.

Though, she turned and grabbed his tazer, ducking one of the attempts he made at grabbing her, and tasered him.

Right in the groin

.

Joker's bREATH caught in his throat and his eye began to twitch, his head began to jerk about of it's own accord and sUDDENLY HE WAS SUFFOCATING.

VULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLEVULNERABLE-

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. ALONE.

SHE. IS. THE. ONLY. ONE.

Joker's eyes widened far beyond what would be considered normal and his grin was not a healthy one. He was RAGE and UNHINGED and INSANE and FALLINGOVERTHEEDGE ALL. AT. ONCE.

Joker's reaction alone made the guy fall sILENT and start to shake with FEAR. He let out a strangled whimper as Joker grabbed a hold of the guy's throat.

HANDSHANDSHANDSHANDSHANDS-

GET THE HANDS.

Joker hEADBUTTED THE GUY (WOOOOOOOOOOOO) - cackling, and then swung down with the guy to sit directly on his chest. He tore chunks and CHUNKS of the PIG'S hair out vERY METHODICALLY - while Harley was off grabbing him a knife.

AND THEN HE HAD THE KNIFE-

AND THEN HE WAS STABBING-

AGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINANDAGAINAND-

RIGHT. IN. THE. FACE.

J took the time to chop the guy's hands off and tHEN he chopped THOSE into little pieces, tOO!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA-

OH, HOW HE LAUGHED! HEAD TIPPE -

Joker had gone BEYOND losing it.

Even HARLEY was UNEASY with the STUFF he was doing to THIS GUY-

Joker ignored her. She didn't GET. IT.

A R T .

OOOH, THE RED. MORE. RED.

HE STABBED AND STABBED AND STABBED AND STABBED AND CUT LITTLE SMILEYS INTO THE SKIN AND GORE AND-

"CROOKED... COPS... TRYNA... GET... THEIR... PIG... TROTTERS... ON... MY... HARLEY... AND... MY... KID... ALLL... PIGGIES... TURN... RIIIIIIGHT... INTO... BACON..." Joker SUNG as he WORKED.

Harley was clearly disturbed, pawing at him and trying to get him to LEAVE.

HE. WASN'T. FINISHED.

Humming an unknown nursery rhyme, J gathered some blood up and wrote: "CROOKED... COPS... TRYNA... GET... THEIR... PIG... TROTTERS... ON... MY... HARLEY... AND... MY... KID... ALLL... PIGGIES... TURN... RIIIIIIGHT... INTO... BACON..." RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE CUT UP PIECES OF GORE AND PULP THAT WAS LEFT OF THE GUARD. There wasn't even visible skin. It was alll just bEAUTIFUL RED MUSH.

Harley was watching with wide eyes. She'd never SEEN him get so demented before.. So violent.. Touching her really set him off, hadnit it..? Why? She was capable of protecting herself.. It was the same as always- and Joker only wanted the baby for his LEGACY. He didn't even seem to WANT THE LITTLE FELLA so much. She swallowed thickly, licked her lips and then quickly moved to tug at his arm a little. "C'mon Puddin, lets just go yeah? We don't wanna spend too much time here and get thROWN back into our cell by Batsy isn't that right? It wont be long until they tell him that we've escaped.." She told him quietly, keeping her voice hushed so she would attract too much unwanted attention.

She'd never seen Joker so violent. It was kind of scary. She was kind of scared.

But why should SHE be scared? It was him protecting HER that made him DO IT..

She was safe from getting mutalated.

By him at least.

"Are we springin Pammy out this time too or is this just to get ourselves out until we have henchmen back up?" She questioned, hand falling to hold her little bump.

Just wait until Ivy saw that she was ALREADY PREGNANT! She'd probably throw a FIT.

As long as she didn't say or try to touch Harley, then there would be no issues.

Joker was staring transfixed, chest rising and falling erratically as he tilted his head from side to side, studying his MASTERPIECE.

Harley was... BLATHERING ON, as usual...

He spun on his knees to look up at her, lips parted, hair dISHEVELLED and covered (in places) in blood. He was PANTING and just sTARING up at her. IVY? WHY WOULD THEY-

"Broccoli... doubtless... never... not... in... this... lifetime... wishes... to... see... us... AGAIN..." He panted out, a sickening grin spreading over his features at the memory of their games with Pammy.

Oh, DEAR PAMMY!

THANKS FOR THE KID, his mind growled DARKLY.

"THIS IS JUST YOU 'N ME GETTIN' OUT, KIDDO! LET'S GO HOME!" Joker cheered, waving his arms about to gesticulate like a circus master as he spoke, and then jumped up to his feet and grabbed Harley's hand in one hand and a gun in the other.

His aim was FLAWLESS.

GEE!

BOOM. HEADSHOT. BOOM. HEADSHOT.

COUNTLESS HEADSHOTS!

They got out without a scratch.

Joker stretched luxuriously once they escaped and threw a good natured arm around Harley, not even nOTICING when she flinched at his touch.

"Now, Harley-mine! Now we go HOME!"

Harley flinched a little. He had been so mad. He'd literally just made mashed potato outta that guard. Why had it upset him so much? It wasn't like she had gotten hurt.. She shook the thought quickly and slowly allowed herself to become comfortable with him once more. Her eyes trailed up to rest on his profile, the girl remained quiet as she simply observed him, his face, his characteristics.. He had blood on his face, on his clothes, in his hair.. She sighed, her eyes going soft after a moment as she moved to pat at his chest gently. "We gotta shower, Puddin." She told him quietly. And it was true, they needed to shower. Harley knew she definitely needed to shower, and Joker was coated in blood so it was most definitely him that needed it than she did. Not to mention now she was uh.. Well she was getting more uncomfortable in the clothes the asylum gave her. Her stomach was hidden beneath the baggy clothes, something she requested because she knew Joker didn't like people looking at her bump. He was s o protective over her now. More so than ever before and she couldn't exactly say she didn't like it, becuase she did. She marveled in the attention and the affection that the protective nature he'd taken on allowed her to feel. Joker really was getting into the father role well, but she knew that his violence would only get worse and worse and worse and woRSE AND WORSE as her pregnancy continued. By the time she was nine months pregnant no one would be allowed to breathe around her unless they asked permission.

She sighed and leaned against him. "Do we gotta walk home? m'feet hurt already." She complained quietly. The girl's feet ached constantly now, and it got worse the bigger she got. Harley hoped she didn't get terribly big because she'd probably break her own back.

Without breaking his stride, Joker leaned down and simply sCOOPed Harley-girl up like a big old SCOOP of that ICE CREAM she LOVED SO MUCH. He even pressed a giddy little kiss to her cheek, making his way jauntily around to the forested area.

They didn't have LONG until old BATSY would show up. The freak had eyes like a... HAWK...

Hmm. Not a BAT?

.

J had snatched a phone (it was also coated in blood but hey what can ya do?) from one of the guards they killed and he handed it to Harley for her to ring up Bloo and order him to bring them a car. HIS hands were FULL OF HARLEY.

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA.

His hands were ALWAYS full when it came to HARLEY.

The good natured humming continued until a shot sounded from sOMEWHERE BEHIND THEM and Joker let out a scream of rage and agony, accidentally dropping Harley (she was an aCROBAT SO SHE WAS FIIIINE) and falling to the floor.

THE FOOT! THE FOOT! NO- WAIT- THE LEG! IT WAS THE BARMY LEG!

The cries of pain quickly dissolved into giggles and he rOLLED around as Harley took care of the attacker.

WELL, THEN! He'd never been shot in the LEG before!

What UNFORTUNATE aim that guard had had before she DIED.

When he dropped her, Harley used her hands to keep her up, legs flipping her to stand. Her puddin was hurt. Her puddin was bleeding... Her eyes harden and she let out a shrill, annoyed scream. "Don'tcha know how much of a COWARD MOVE ITIS TO SHOOT SOMEONE FROM BEHIND BITCH?!" She yelled, scooping up the gun. Her aim was perfect and messy all at once, Harley pumping the stupid stupid STUPID BITCH full of BULLETS! And then she was down. She made sure to pump the approaching guards full too before she turned and droppe down next to joker, looking over his injury before she was moving to use the glass in her pocket to slice a bit of her suit off, wrapping up his leg to protect him in a sense. Nose nuzzled into him before she moved then to crawl closer to his face, slicking his hair back a little as she called up BLOO.

"Bring the car to the asylum NOW or I'll personally make your now short life HELL before I fiNALLY END IT." She snarled. Actually SNARLED into the phone before hanging up without confirmation.

Her attention went back to joker, her eyes studying him carefully. "Are ya okay puddin? You okay?" She asked quietly as she let her hands scope over his face before he eyes dropped to his leg and she frowned deeply. Her puddin was hurt.

Joker was still rolling around (which had made it... DIFFICULT for Harley to attend to his leg) and eVEN STILL laughing very faintly.

DELIRIUM. POSSIBLY.

He grabbed at Harley's pigtail, swimming in aND OUT of consciousness~

WOOOHOOOOOO~

HE WAS FLYING!

LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY BIRDS!

WAS HARLEY SEEING THESE BIRDS?

COULD TH -

THE KID.

THE KID?

TH .

Joker abruptly began to writhe about as if he were being attacked and SCREAMED, eyes wIDE but not LUCID and skin PALE, PALE, PALER THAN NORMAL.

THE KID.

HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A KID.

NO.

N O .

Scars and belts and leering and shouting and snarls and SCISSORS and CLOWNS and NO DEFENSE and THERE HE WAS. HIS FATHER. THE MAN WAS OBESE AN AND FULL O .

And there was NO-ONE his father had hated more than LITTLE J. NONONOONONONONONONONONOONONONONONONONO-

I. AM. NOT. HUMAN.

I. WAS. NOTHING. BEFORE. THIS.

THERE. WAS. NO. OTHER. ME.

GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD.

Joker smacked and smacked and pounded at his own head, screaming. Harley's cries and desperate please fell to deaf ears. HE. WAS. NOT. IN. THIS. REALITY.

NOTHING. WAS. REAL.

BATMAN ALWAYS HIT HIM THE SAME WAY HIS OLD MAN USED TO.

NONONONONONONONOONONONONO-

I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. REMEMBER.

Eventually, the screams and the hysterical onslaught of tears and self directed violence came to an end as he was just TOO WEAK to carry on and he curled up into Harley's lap, cheek resting against the bump, and J started to sob softly, curled up.

AND THAT WAS JUST WHAT HE WAS. HE WA K.

C.

HIS FATHER HAD ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT.

LOOK AT HIM NOW. LOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK-

There were just TOO MANY VOICES.

HE DIDN'T WANT ICE CREAM.

THE RED LEVEL IS THE ONE TO PULL!

MR DONNELLY'S WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

HARLEY WAS PREGNANT. (YESYESYES HE KNEW THAT ALREADY).

THERE WAS SOME SORT OF ENDLESS THROBBIN COMING FROM HIS LEG!

WAS IT EVE ?

J didn't know anymore. He couldn't take it anymore. So he passed out.

Harley actually felt tears prick her own eyes as she tried to calm him down, but to no avail. Eventually her lover just curled in her lap and passed out with his head against the little baby bump. Harley sniffled quetly, and slowly moved to caress his hair gently, slicking it back and kissing his head gently. she just hoped that whatever had gotten into him just then would be done and over with once his leg was all fixed up. She didn't like seeing him in this state, she ahted it. That wasn't her puddin. Her puddin was entirely different..

It was only a few minutes later the henchmen showed up in a limo. A couple jumped out and rushed over to help get J into the back of the limo, where they rushed them home once Harley was safe inside too. At their house, J's most trusted minion had come to help patch his leg, left the bullet in because it was usually SAFER to leave it in there. It wasn't near the bone or nothin, so it was left. And then he gave J some stitches to patch it out- thank god he was still out cold

because he would've been throwing a fit the entire time.

When they all were done patching up J, Harley stood and with dark eyes moved to take up one of the nearest gun, and shot a couple of the men that she had been told refused to try to go help them because BATMAN would be around. She made sure to shoot them all in BOTH legs, so they would suffer the pain her puddin did too.

She watched them fall with emotionless eyes.

"You'll get way worse than that in the funhouse." And then she snapped her fingers and a couple other henchmen came in to drag them off.

Joker awoke some time in the evening to the sound of Batman crashing about in their apartment.

What the HELL was that crazy bastard DOING? ROBBING THEM?

J was sure it WAS him even without hearing nor SEEING the guy. He just KNEW BATS!

It took the freak-dressed-up-like a bat a while to FIND Joker but when he did he stalked in and then came to a CRAZY ABRUPT HAULT.

TH !

J frowned at the grown up man dressed as a crime fighting bat and the grown up man dressed as a crime fighting bat stared right back at him.

"The reports were right, then. You HAVE been hurt."

Joker cackled, his head lolling deliriously from side to side - he propped himself up on his elbows. He'd been ABOUT to DESTROY Bats with the WITTIEST of one liners, but something was ABSENT from the scene and it was BUGGING HIM.

WHERE WAS HARLEY QUINN? Joker whipped his head around, a nasty snarl taking place on his face,

"Where's Harley?" He half barked, half growled at Batman, face contorted into a nasty grimace, angled slightly downwards.

"Quinn's asleep in the other room."

"... So... the... Bat brigade has come to bring us bACK TO THE LAP OF JUSTICE, HAS HE?" Joker howled, surging upwards from the surgical table (where had this even COME FROM?) and then fell back down to his previous state, laughing and coughing and choking.

"No. More... adjustments need to be made to the asylum in order to HOLD the two of you."

"What is even the POINT, Bats?" Joker was still howling and choking with laughter. Batman narrowed his eyes.

"Joker... the things you did to that guard..."

"Who, STANLEY?"

"No. The one we can't identify because he's nothing more than a pile of bones and gore. There isn't even anything left of his skin."

"Yeesh! How did THAT happen to him?"

"Joker, you need HELP. That was BEYOND..."

"Well THAT'S always been true!"

"Not everything is a joke-"

"AH! THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, BATS! THAT'S THE THING! IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG JOKE AND THE PUNCHLINE DOESN'T KICK IN UNTIL YOU KICK THE BUCKET!"

"I'm coming back tomorrow."

"Miss you already!"

"Take CARE of her, Joker."

"Do I ever NOT?"

"Yes."

Joker just tipped his head back and laughed, watching Batsy through narrowed eyes and a big grin until he left. "HARLEY!" Joker barked, listening out for the sounds of her waking up and skittering about to run to him.

Harley had woken at the sound of him calling out for her. She crawled off the couch and bounced into the room, instantly going to his side and pressing little kisses along his neck, peppering his face in kisses too. "ooooh pudddddinnn.." She said quietly, hands caressing him gently, nuzzling his nose into his skin and sighing happily. "I was sO WORRRIED!" She told him, examining his face after before she looked down to his leg. "Bloo said that you should be able to walk in NO TIME! OH!" She remembered, finger pointing up. "One of the uh.. OLDER henchies told me they'd been attEMPTING to break us out but batsy proved to be an ISSUE. Sooooo the reason Batsy was gone was because a couple had gone to cause chaos to draw him out. Figured we'd find a way to get outta there once Batsy was absent. THE OTHER TRAITORS who refused to HELP are currently locked up in the FUINHOUSE allll waitin for ya." She told him with a grin on her lips, stroking his jaw.

Harley was happy that she could talk to him again, gripping at him slightly, but being gentle about her movements so she wouldn't agitate his wound. "are ya in pain, puddin?" She asked him, moving to lift her daitny little body up onto the surgical table with him. One hand caressing his arm and caressing his back, while her free hand was gently rubbing her belly.

Batman had been there for awhile and had FORCED HER to eat some healthy steamed veggies when she'd made a dash for the ice cream.

How rude!

So she'd eaten already, but her stomach still ached because well.

Harley was never satisfied without sweets.

[ time jump 2 months forward bc i ran out of ideas for what to write next ]

Joker was sat at his (how is a raven like a writing) desk, tugging on his own LUMINESCENT HAIR in frustration.

They'd been STUCK in their own apartment for...

HOW LONG HAD IT EVEN BEEN-

Joker was getting worryingly SANE/INSANE.

WHAT. WAS. THE. DIFFERENCE.

\- was what J would like to KNOW.

For once, Joker really did NOT want to know where Harley was. All they'd done recently was FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT and then she'd lock herself aWAY FROM HIS MENACE in one of the... OTHER... ROOMS...

J had asked the henchmen MONTHS ago to take up stations outside any room she was in just to make SURE J didn't HURT the kid. WAIT. NO. Joker hadn't done that. BATS had done that.

BATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATS-

Somebody had to keep HARLEY-GIRL in line. That girl was getting too... CONFIDENT...

J wouldn't. Couldn't. WANTED to. Couldn't.

COULDN'T.

GOD, BUT LIVING WITH THE BITCH FULL TIME WITH N WAS DRIVING THE INSANITY EVEN CRAZIER.

They'd gotten through an extreme amount of henchmen in the past few months SIMPLY because J had to take his FRUSTRATIONS out on SOMEBODY and because it couldn't be HARLEY when HARLEY was driving him so CRAZY with all her PREGNANCY BULLSHIT - it would just have to be THEM.

The Clown Prince never thought he'd be SICK of seeing BATMAN.

HIS OWN ARCH NEMEIS. FANCY THAT!

Joker growled an at the caped crusader as he appeared in the open window across from him.

"Problem, Joker?"

"Oh, Batsy, Batsy, Batsy..." Joker growled out, mimicking a darker version of how Harley always greeted him, "you REALLY don't know even the HALF of it."

Harley had fumbled out of the room she'd been in, mood fully restored since their last fight. She was wearing one of his shirts since.. well.. NONE OF HERS FIT ANYMORE. Three of the henchmen outside of said room, followed closely behind her as she slid into his room, hand resting on top of her belly, the bump sticking out quite a bit now that she was two months pregnant. She was hormonal and she knew she drove Joker crazy with it and she knew that him being stuck her drove him even crazier.. So they fought constantly and well uh, Joker often had resulted to slaughtering their henchmen.

She had trailed her hand against her bump and moved her body over to lift herself up onto the desk carefully, crossing her legs and looking to watch her Puddin carefully. "Hey, Mistah J," She started quietly as she rested one hand behind her on the desk and let out a pretty little hum.

"Think we could uh.. Go out tonight?" She asked him, knowing that getting out would likely calm both of their nerves enough that they could stand being in the house together a week again together.. Hopefiully..

The main reason they hadn't gotten out is because Joker refused to leave Harley alone and Batsy refused to let them leave. So.. Well.. They were confined there but if they went together, she geussed, if Batsy just.. SUPERVISED..

Maybe watched from the car

Then that should be okay and they'd be allowed out of their house and they could actually properly enjoy themselves.

She glanced to the window to look over at Batman, but brushed him off and looked back to her Joker instead, tilting her head slightly as she reached out to fix his hair back into its perfect manner.

Joker shivered under her touch in the way he did to let her know that he'd MISSED HER.

Even though a part of him LOATHED and HATED her - he'd still missed her. He ALWAYS DID. Cooped up in the penthouse apartment all this time and stil for the gal. She was the eNTIRE FRUIT BASKET of his EYE.

The APPLE wasn't ENOUGH.

With an indulgent hum, J ran his fingers fleeting up her leg to rest on her hip, his other hand securing a hold on her chin to draw her closer, closer, closer... ...

BUZZING. ALIVE WITH EXCITEMENT. ELECTRICITY. SPARKS!

J kissed her, licking at his lips after pulling away and jumping up from his seat, clapping to indicate his good mood,

"You want the DEATH RATE to go dOWN in this apartment, Bats? ESCORT US OUT ON A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN!" He cheered to Batman. Once again his mood had FLIPPED in the blink of an eye. It's cause was what it ALWAYS was and THAT was Harley.

Harley grinned happily and hopped down off the desk and placed a hand on her lip, a grin on her lips as she delightfully watched Batsy. He stared at them, thinking deeply. He let out a loud sigh and nodded his head carefully. "Alright, alright fine." He agreed slowly. "Go get yourselves ready."

Harley beamed and pulled her Joker into a happy kiss. But then she was pausing, eyebrows knitted together. "Puddin i ain't got nothin to wear." She said after a moment. "None of m'dresses fit anymore. Hence why I've been sorta uh.. LIVIN in ya shirts." She gestured to the BATMAN THEMED SHIRT she was currently wearing FOR THE IRONY OF IT ALL.

Also because it was the biggest, softest shirt he owned.

"Were gonna need t'go SHOPPIN before we go out." She announced, placing her hands on her hips firmly and Batman groaned lowly.

"Can't you just wear something you already have?" He questioned her.

She wippped around to face him, pulling the shirt up to show off her LARGER BELLY.

"DO YOU THINK THIS CAN FIT INTO ANYTHING I USE TO WEAR."

everything Harley owned before was already faiRLY TIGHT.

Joker SNARLED and yanked Harley's top down. Batman wasn't ALLOWED to see her so intimately. He didn't have the RIGHT nor the PLEASURE.

He never would. Not while Joker still LIVED and BREATHED and LAUGHED.

He'd already RUINED Joker's beautiful smile. He'd already been the reason joker had gotten 'Damaged' tattoed on his forehead.

"It's MY place to deny Harley things, Bats! Not YOURS!" He chided and snaked an arm around his insane, colourful little baby mama.

The CAR. They would take the CAR.

FROST would drive and Joker would sit with Harley IN HIS LAP in the PASSENGER SEAT. He REFUSED to have it any other way. Bats could... follow in his weird, freaky, TECH CAR - or he could CLING ONTO THE ROOF AND GO FOR A RIIIIIIIIIDE!

"Step on it, Jonny!" Joker roared.

Jonny Frost was Joker's most trusted henchmen and was CLOSE to being his right hand man. He was ALSO the LUCKIEST and most TREASURED henchman with the HIGHEST of pay. J even REMEMBERED THE GUY'S NAME!

Harley giggled and cuddled up into her Joker, nuzzling his neck gently, eyes shut grinning happily. "so we gonna do some shoppin puddin?" She asked happily as she curled up in his lap, hand on her belly and pressing kisses along his neck lightly before she paused. "I ain't gettin too heavy am I?" She asked him quietly as she tilted her head so it rested against him, a small pout on her lips.

she didn't want to be a pain on his lAP. Of course. She didn't want him to feel like he was carrying around an elephant.. Which is how she felt a lot of the time now that she was starting to get bigger and biggeR AND BIGGER!

But that was how pregnancy worked, she had to remind herself, that you got bigger in order for the baby to grow, and she really wanted this baby so that was how things were going to go.

Joker cocked his head at Harley, still somehow in that GOOD MOOD of his.

MIRACULOUS, RIGHT? JOKER COULD KEEP CALM! WHO KNEW?

His eyes travelled down to her swollen looking stomach. The KID was in there. THE THING. He tried not to think about it even though it was all pressed up aGAINST him.

"Have you ever known me to a be a man to BURDEN myself?" He asked her, eyebrows (or lack thereof) raised to add effect to his question. It was a GOOD OLD POINT, WASN'T IT?

No arguing with THAT one.

There. Baby mama satisfied.

There was a THUMP on the roof of the car - BATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATSBATS!

Joker CACKLED with excitement. OH, HE COULD APPRECIATE A BAT IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD!

Harley smiled at his words, nodding her head and cuddled up into him once again, before she began to laugh at the sound of BATSY on their roof! Oh boy, why did he always do this!? It was fun! Funfunfunfufnufnfunfun!

Her grin spread across her lips and she moved to snuggle up into her puddin. "OOooh just like ooooooooooooooooooooold times!" She cooed excitedly as she wiggled on his lap. They drove and drove until they came to a mall and harley hopped out of the car so he could join her. She rested her hands on her hips and grinned as she looked at the mall. It'd been too long since they'd gone to do some shopping. After all, they'd been cooped up and Batman never let them go out!

She began off towards the mall, bounce in her step as she did, giggles falling off her pretty lips and she could hear Batman telling Joker they had to actually pay for the stuff.

Joker made a 'pfffft' noise, waving a hand dismissively in the general direction of the overgrown BAT.

Who CARED? LOOK HOW HAPPY HIS HARLEY WAS!

"Come ALONG, Batsy... you know I could just... KILL them instead..." he offered his implied threat up on a SILVER PLATTER just for his arch nemesis. Bats took the BAIT, too!

"Not on my watch, you won't."

"No, no, no! On YOUR watch, I won't KILL but I won't PAY. This is my compromise, Batsy..."

Batman groaned and pinched at the bridge of his nose, glaring at Joker.

"FINE. If you promise not to kill or hurt anyone, I'll allow you to not pay."

"Catch me if you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan~!" Joker sung out to Batman and ran off to catch up to Harley, dancing along as he did so.

AH, HE WAS IN A /GOOD MOOD/.

THIS WAS OH SUCH A /RARE/ THING FOR HIM!

THE WIND THROUGH HIS HAIR FELT BETTER THAN SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF IVY'S LITTLE MINION GIRL!

Harley was a bundle of laughter as she entered the stores with Joker, going straight to the nearest clothing store and began to look at the dresses. The shirts the pants, Harley was putting article upon article into Frosts arms, before she had bumbled into the changing room to begin trying all of them on.

She treid on everything, tossing some stuff back out that didn't fit, but for the most part it did. And then she exited with one of the new, black dresses a grin on her lips. Tag ripped off already and then she piled frost up again with what she wanted to take. "Alrighty, this is what I'm getting. We still need some new shoes." She decided happily and moved to go back over to her joker, holding her arms up to show off how she looked. "How d'I look, puddddddiinnnn?" She asked happily as she put herself on display. The bump was OH SO VISIBLE in the dress but she didn't care, she actually quite liked to show it off, even if Joker didn't much like it.

"Excuse me, ma'am, you have to pay for that.." The cashier had said simply and Harley narrowed her eyes at it. "Do I really? Because I don't think I do." She announced in that SPOILED BRAT voice she had.

"Ain't that right, puuudddin?" She grinned and wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning into his body delightfully while Batman stood there, out of place and holding his nose.

Joker clapped once and spread his arms out either side of him, gesturing at her like the thing of BEAUTY that she was.

OH, HIS PREGNANT LITTLE FIRECRACKER!

Joker blew her a kiss,

"Beyond COMPARE, Harley-mine," he cooed to her, casually bringing his gun out as he did so to aim at the cashier's head with a lovely little SMILE. "Who do you think you are to deny my Harley things, hmmmmm? Don't you know that's MY job?" He asked sweetly.

J had, of course, PROMISED Bats that he WOULDN'T kill anyone - but when had Joker EVER kept the promises he made Batman? NEVER!

Well, he didn't know that he WOULD this time, but the night was still as YOUNG as his unborn legacy!

"Joker." Batman warned from beside him. Joker waved him off. Gosh, it was like the Bat didn't TRUST him, or something!

"S-She can t-take the stuff- No worries-"

"WHO?"

"Y-your lady-"

"That's right! MY lady. Goodnight, good sir!"

Joker stepped away from the man, lowering his gun and clicking at Frost. J offered his arm to Harley like a GENTLEMAN and escorted her out of the store. NOW THEY COULD GO /OUT/!

Harley giggled as she watched the scene unfold before she took the crook of her puddins arm, a grin settled on her pink little lips as she relaxed. "Where we gonna go puddin?" She asked. "Dinner than a mooovie?" She asked once more, knowing that Joker always had a plan the moment they decided they'd go out. Not always did he discolse what he was going to do with her, but she always enjoyed the workings of what they would do, Harley always got what she wanted, even when she didn't know what she wanted! Joker knew her TOO WELL!

Batman seemed to groan from behind them and Harley had huffed, turning her head to stick her tongue out at him and blow a raspberry. Now, harley was the petty one.

She looked back to her joker and grinned a little as she tilted her head to rest her head against him. "It's suuuuuuuuch a nice night! We chose the besssst night to go out!" She decided. "Didn't we, frosty?"

"Indeed we did, Miss Quinn."

Harley beamed happily, happy that she was recieving attention from ALL THREE OF THEM. Batman was well.. hER GUARD of some sorts, Frost HAD TO BE NICE to her, and Puddin was in A GOOD MOOD!

The night couldn't get any better.

Joker leaned down a little to pucker his lips at Harley and to pinch at her cheek,

"Anything you want, Harley-girl. This is YOUR night."

Joker straightened up and ran a hand over his hair to make sure it was still all in place. Harley seemed to realise what he wanted and brought a little compact mirror for him to examine his HAIR IN.

OH, THAT GIRL WAS A WONDER! SHE KNEW HIM SO WELL!

What WAS it she'd wanted? Dinner and a movie? How about BOTH at the same time, hmm?

Only an hour later they were sat in a completely empty cinema, seats ABOLISHED to make more room around them and a TABLE brought in for their food to sit on.

AH! HERE WE GO!

Joker gestured grandiosely to the arrangements,

"How's this, Harls?"

Harley beamed excitedly at the sight of what he had done for their night out. Oh, what a romaaantic! "Oh Mistah J~~~~~~" She sang, moved to pull him to a passionate kiss. They hadn't done much of that since there'd been too many fights for them to kiss at each other or share affections too much fighting.. Too muhc.. "You're such a romaaaNTIC!" She cooed delgihtfully when she parted and pressed a happy kiss toh is cheek. "This is just pAH-ERFECT!" She exclaimed and threw her hands up into the air.

The girl was beyond happy. Then again, it wasn't hard to make Harley happy. Attention and sweets usually made her happy as all hell. And now that she was pregnant, the sweets was ESPECIALLY what made her ebyond happy.

She took his hand and kissed the ring that sat on his finger, just because she knew that made HIM happy..

"You're such an AMAZING boyfriend~" She teased him, kissing his nose before she had moved to take the water.

wAter and Juice was the only thing Bats let her drink now. No coffee. No soda. Nothing TOO SWEET or that had CAFFINE IN IT because it was BAD FOR THE BABY..

She missed her coffee and milkshakes.

Joker smirked broadly, eyes slightly too wide to come across as a NORMAL expression.

Pfft. 'NORMAL'. What a hoot! NORMAL!

Who would want to be THAT?

As they had been FIGHTING all the time, now that they were FREE of their PRISON - J had nothing but affection for his little harlequin and was more than ready to spoil her and lather his doting affection on her and let her do and have whatever she wanted.

He even let her fuss over him in that WAY that she did.

OH, AND SHE KISSED THE RING! SHE WA - THAT ONE.

Joker clasped his hands together like a proud parent (DON'T EVEN GO THERE) and gazed after her with a maniacal little sigh. His little pooh-bear was so adorable when she was spoilt.

"Joker," Batman growled out beside him; ruining the moment, "Is this really all you're planning on doing tonight?"

J tapped the SIDE OF HIS NOSE veeeeeery conspiratorially at Bats, knowing it would make the FREAK ALL PARANOID.

THERE WAS THE JOKE FOR THE NIGHT! KEEP OL' BATS THINKING YOU'RE UP TO NO GOOD THE WHOLE TIME!

Joker made a beeling straight for the alcohol, pouring himself an extremely large glass of bourbon (ignoring Batsy's parent like tutting) and GULPED IT DOWN

WHO COULD BLAME HIM? HE NEEDED IT.

Harley grinned happily and snuggled up into her Joker, laughing at the look Batman gave him after his little tap on his nose. Well, Joker always kept batsy on his toes, and she knew he wouldn't, likely, kill anyone or do anything too illegal. She moved herself to lean up against puddin happily and kissing at his neck delightfully. "I love ya puddin," She told him happily. "This night is pAH-ERFECT!" She told him delightfully and nuzzled into him. She enjoyed that she was getting to snuggle him. She was lacking in attention recently, and it was driving her nuuuuuts!

She leaned on the table after and happily began to eat the sweets that she had been given, even if Batman would get mad at her, but she had been eating healthy the entire time! A little uh.. Cheat day, would be fine fine finefinefinefine! She grinned and happily ate her ice cream ebfore she leaned back and rested her hands on her swollen belly, sighing happily beefore she paused. "I gotta go for a uh.. ULTRASOUND soon don't I?" She mused, to which Batsy instantly answered with. "Tomorrow afternoon."

Joker, of course, wasn't at all (or even remotely) interested in anything to do with the kid, and so his MIND decided to take him elsewhere and DISTRACT him. It was, uh, FORTUNATE for everyone in the room that they happened to be in a hUGE cinema, and that a fairly... action packed...

Joker couldn't think.

Nothing was processed.

Nothing.

It was like being bRAINWASHED.

Little tiny men on the big, bIG screen... blowing each other... uP...

J could APPRECIATE something like that. But he also... wanted... to... focus... on... more...

Harley had probably been trying to grab his attention for a while when Batman intervened and smacked Joker around the face. Joker, OF COURSE, immediately responded by HEADBUTTING HIS ATTACKER.

WHO WOULDN'T?!

YOU CAN'T JUST APPROACH A MAD MAN AND SMACK HIM WHILE HE'S UNAWARES! THAT'S JUST FIGHTING DIRTY! IT'S CHEATING! IT'S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Joker spent the rest of the film/dinner event handcuffed at old BATSY'S insistence. Not even Harley's perpetual WHINING could set him FREE. She was immediately remedied, though, when J ordered that she fed him. She had NO problem with that.

Harley beamed happily as she looked up at him. She had NO problem feeding him. When did Harley have any problem doing anything for her Joker? Not very often, that was for sure! A smile sat on her lips as she helped him eat til everything they had was gone and Harley was snuggled up against him to enjoy the movie, bubbles of little laughter leaving her lips as she watched the movie placed on the screen before them.

Then, the movie ended and they were bouncing off again. She looked up at Batsy and gave him a pout. "noooooooow can you let him outta the cuffs? We're just gonna be in the CAR. He ain't gonna do much in thERE." She pointed out, patting at her love. Batman didn't seem to want to, but with the girl tearing up before him he grumbled something out and uncuffed Joker.

"No funny business."

"We are funny business." Harley giggled and took Jokers hand, holding it happily as they bundled out of the theater, eyes dancing across, looking up at Joker after.

"tonight was FANTASTIC, puddin."

Joker paused so that he could lean down very theatrically and plant the most aFFECTIONATE (for a psychopath, that was) of kisses on Harley-girl's cheek. That kid ALWAYS got him outta predicaments. She was still USEFUL, it seemed, even with the... THING inside her.

The ride back was strictly uneventful - Frost drove, Joker remained in a good mood, Harley was ecstatic and Frost was forced to let the both of them pinch at his cheeks as he drove. The guy was used to it.

"Aaaaaah, HARLEY-GIRL!" Joker exclaimed, stretching all grandiosely after they'd exited the vehicle. His grin faltered and then set into a frown at the sight of the apartment. He was rEALLY starting to HATE THE PLACE. Determined to remain in his insanely high spirits, J turned to Harley and continued what he was saying, "Harley, Harley, Harley, Harley..." he chanted, "are you gonna be a GOOD GIRL for Daddy from now on? You're not gonna, uh, DRIVE HIM UP THE WALL?"

He hovered, eyes wide and scoping every minute change in her expression while he waited for an answer.

Harley listened to him, head swaying back and forth slightly beefore she moved to simply pull him down into a kiss to give him an answer. Of course Harley never MEANT to drive him up the wall. It was just that SHE didn't have complete control over her emotions anymore, the hormones were unbalanced and all over the place and the smaller of the two didn't always know how to deal with it. It often resulted in her acting out which Joker didn't enjoy at all. The brightside being none of their fights had gotten phsyical since the start of her pregnancy. Thankfully.

When she parted, she brushed her fingers across his jaw affectionately. "I'll try my best, Puddin." She told him softly with a smile.

"m'soooorrry for bein so.. ANNOYIN lately it's just I don't really always know what to do. Don't have cOMPLETE control of my emotions like I did before."

She never had complete control.

"Everythins ALL OVER THE PLACE n it gets me kinda aggitated yknow?"

The girl leaned forward to playfully stage whisper. "Doesn't help that Batsy took all m'ice cream."

She grinned as she leaned back on her heels, hand rested on top of the little bump on her belly.

"BUT if BATSY lets us go out now more often since we've proven that we can PRETTY MUCH BEHAVE... It shouldn't be HALF AS BAD!"

Joker clasped his hands together by his chest and cooed to her,

"That's my GOOD LITTLE GIRL!"

Batman made a distinctly uncomfortable noise somewhere behind them, clearing his throat and gesturing for them to keep walking into their apartment.

Joker turned on him with a BIG OL' KNIFE in his hand. WHEN HAD HE GOT THAT, YOU ASK?

DINNER. FROST HAD MANAGED TO SLIP HI BIG KITCHEN KNIFE!

Joker danced over to Batman, brandishing his new knife at the fREAK and LAUGHING ALL SHRILL AND EXCITABLE!

Batman glowered at him, hand on his utility belt,

"What if we DON'T WANT TO GO HOME, BATSY?"

"You don't have that choice. Either go home or go to the asylum."

"I'm not a MAN who obeys the RULES SET BY OTHERS."

"You are while your girlfriend is pregnant."

Joker snarled, rolling his eyes and throwing the knife off to the side, letting it clatter and spin across the pavement,

"I do hope you understand I'm going to be sUCH A HUGE NUISANCE WHEN THIS THING IS OUT. I GET A FREE PASS, TOO, BATS!" Joker announced as he stalked off towards the apartment.

Stupid kid.

Stupid Bats.

GLORIOUS Harley.

Had he mentioned recently that he liked Harley?

HArley giggled at the sight of Joker dancing about with the big knife, though of course Batman had to ruin the fun. It was true though, Joker mostly played by the rules since she'd gotten pregnant. She knew he didn't really WANT the little fella.. He just wanted to have a legacy. He just wanted to set his ideas in the kids mind and have him turn out juuuust klike him. HARLEY was the one who really REALLY wanted the little baby..

She caressed her stomach a little in thought. It was nice for him to not do anything to harm the baby. Harley was happy that he was being good. Even if it wasn't the best look on him it made it feel moderately normal.

And also like he wanted this baby as much as she did.

She smiled happily and bounced off to the apartment with him. Once inside the girl went straight to the bedroom and put herself in another one of his shirts, nothing abnormal or unusual because she always wore his shirts now. Joker was probably digging through her clothes trying to find his most of the time.

[ time jump to the next day ]

Joker threw a shoe at the piano.

"Give UP on your magical HAPPY FAMILY FANTASY, HARLEY! I don't CARE about your doctor-baby thing! Just GO and get it over and DONE with! Frost will go with you!"

Joker and Harley had been screaming at each other over this all morning. Harley had been pacing around and being all drAMATIC AND PETULANT WITH HER MOVEMENTS (lucky loon got to be all theatrical) while Joker had been forced to handcuff himself to the radiator, throwing things at OTHER THINGS instead of at her. BATMAN didn't trust his temper and JOKER didn't even trust his temper and both (SOMEHOW THEY AGREED AND WERE CIVIL?) that it would be best if J was attached to the wall somehow.

Harley had the key.

SHE ALWAYS HAD THE FUCKING KEYS TO EVERYTHING.

His psyche. His apartment. His bank. His cars. His closet. His heart. His LEGACY.

THAT FUCKING LEGACY.

That THING was more TROUBLE than it was worth.

Harley's cheeks had puffed in annoyance before she got an idea. What was one thing that would make sure that Joker would WANT to attend with her? After all, she did want him to be there that wasn't going to be something she was gonna give up on.. Jealousy. His jealous, possessive, protective nature would be wHAT she had to clue into.

She sighed dramatically, nodding her head. "It's just.. I wanted you to meet my DOCTOR you know? HE'S a rEAL NICE FELLA. He always makes the whole process PRETTY RELAXING yknow? He always RUBS MY BELLY before he begins." She explained, nodding her head. "BUT I MEAN... If you don't WANNA go, then I'll just head out with FROST." She hummed and tossed the key to the cuffs he had to the nearest henchmen, who bumbled quickly to get it.

"MAYBE you'll meet HIM in another situation. I just KNOW you like to know they're TOP QUALITY, but I'm sure FROST can always let you know HOW GOOD HE IS WITH ME." She hummed.

Oh, this would be perfect. This would get him revved up. Harley always loved seeing him jealous so why wouldn't this be the ABSOLUTE BEST IDEA?!

He always god this murderous look and gROWLED and SNARLED and she LOVED IT! His growling and snarling was always something that excited her. BUT OH WELL! She was more itnerested in getting him there to get his FIRST LOOK at their baby! BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO! So she had to result in throwing her doctor under the bus.

Joker JERKED FURIOUSLY against his restraint, eyes wide and twitching and MURDEROUS. It was somewhat similar to the way he looked right before he'd completely annihilated that GUARD who'd touched Harley during their, uh, ESCAPE.

Joker licked at his lips, trembling with jealous fury. OH, THIS WAS A GUY HE JUS TO MEET!

"I'm free to make a VISIT, RIGHT, FROST?" He asked through clenched teeth, twitching and quivering with his barely veiled rage. Frost had been off to the side desparately trying to signal to Harley to stop beCAUSE SHE WAS DEFINITELY GOING TO GET HER BABY DOCTOR KILLED.

Frost deflated and gave his affirmation.

Harley waddled over and set Joker free from his handcuff, ducking out of the way when he freaked out and threw an entire armchair at the pIANO.

"LET'S GO SEE THE DOCTOR!" Joker cheered, clearly PISSED and slightly TOO LOUD to be FINE.

Harley smiled smugly at the reaction she'd gotten. Oh, she had him wrapped riiiight around her finger now didn't she? It was so easy for her to get him to do what she wanted- especially now! Oh, especially noooow.. She grinned delightfully and moved to wadddlllle her way out of the room and to the car, hand rested upon her belly.

Of course this might result in her uh.. Doctors death... And then they'd have to find another one.. But.. It was deifnitely worth it with the fact that her Joker was coming and gonna see their baby!

Of course they wouldn't be able to tell for sure yet if it was a boy.. But Harley just knew that it was aboy. She had a fEELING.

And her feelings were always right, after all.

Frost seemed to be on edge, knowing JOKER was on edge and whenever thigns were like that...

People died.

Joker walked very stiffly down to the car, fists clenched at his side, eyes fixed stubbornly on Harley as if falling over the edge into over protective territories already. Nobody had even laid a hand on the girl yet. But they WOULD.

THEY. WOULD.

Joker hated the knowledge of that. He couldn't stand it. It made him ITCH and TWITCH and lots of other things that ended in 'CH'. He kept having to roll his neck and snarl upwards, protuding his chin in order to escape his collar. It felt too confining. Too much like a-

STRAIGHT. JACKET.

Joker growled a little to himself, foot tapping restlessly against the floor of the car, leg fidgeting about, fingers tapping erratically on the window he was staring out of, teeth grounding together,

"We gotta be CLOSE now, right?"

They'd only been driving for three minutes.

"We only just left the apartment, puddin.," Harley told him with a small snicker, snuggled into the seat with her hand rested softly against her belly. About twenty minutes later, though, they arrived and harley skittled into the hospital with the two close to her. Joker more so than Frost. She checked in, and waited for a moment until she was directed into a room where the girl hopped up onto one of the bed-type things they had there, laying back and looking down at the growing bump in her belly.

"Shouldn't be LONG now. He's usually PRETTY QUICK." SHe told them with a nod of her head, even if Frost already knew. He attended her meetings on Jokers order because he didn't want her going alone.

She was right too, the doctor entering moments later, a younger fella with dark hair and chocolate eyes, a warm smile on his lips. "Miss Quinn," He greeted. "How are you doing this morning? You're definitely growing." He commented about her belly, not really paying midn who was in the room, moving over to turn on the machines, his hand reaching out to lightly rub the girls belly. "Two months now, right?"

"Right," Harley hummed happily, relaxing at the rubs.

Joker had been watching the man darkly ever since he entered the room. Not only was this... 'doctor' a man who THOUGHT HE WAS AT LIBERTY to just get away with manhandling HIS Harley, but he was a mAN WHO IGNORED THE JOKER'S VERY PRESENCE!

A grave mistake. And yes, that HAD been a pun.

The doctor's hand touched Harley's stomach and The Joker begun to laugh, maniacal, unhinged, disturbing, DEADLY.

Oh, he had NO IDEA how many lines he'd just crossed.

Joker had a hand to his chest, his head thrown back at the HILARITY of it all!

Did this guy not GET IT?!

NOBODY TOUCHED JOKER'S THINGS. THEY WERE ALL MARKED AND INFAMOUS FOR A REASON.

As abruptly as it started, the laughter cut out and Joker brought his head back up in an extremely eERIE fashion in order to fix DOCTOR...

Joker's snake-like eyes darted down to the name badge.

DOCTOR HENRY WILKINSON!

DOCTOR. HENRY. WILKINSON.

Doctor Henry Wilkinson looked like he regretted the very day he was born.

Joker's glare was hard and calculating as he circled round the exam bed Harley was lying on, two fingers tracing along the edge of it - eyes never leaving DOCTOR HENRY WILKINSON.

He came to a stop right before the gOOD DOCTOR and stared right at the man for a few wORLD SHAKING MINUTES.

Doctor Henry was sweating.

Doctor Henry looked like he wanted to cry.

Joker held out his hand. Frost has to tell Doctor Henry to kiss the ring. Doctor Henry was vERY QUICK TO KISS THE RING.

As soon as he'd done it, Joker SMILED and placed a hand over the place he knew Doctor Henry's heart to be in his chest,

"Oh, DOCTOR... I'm ever so... SICK," he crooned, "So utterly and tragically SICK. Can you help me, Doctor? Can you?" Joker drew himself closer and closer, never once breaking eye contact with the man. J was probably going to drive the gOOD DOCTOR insane.

What a generous man J was.

Doctor Henry licked his lips, "I- I w-wish I could, sir-"

AH, SIR. GOOD MOVE, HENRY!

Joker slid his hand across Henry's chest like a SNAKE and clapped him on both shoulders with both hands,

"I'm not a WELL man, Doctor. You can SEE THAT, right? So why would you just... go around... TOUCHING THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS?" J questioned very, VERY darkly.

Henry had instantly regretted it, of course. "S-sorry sir it just helps c-calm my patients down." He explained quickly. "Pregnant women.. th-their bellys are typically very s-sensitve and rubbing usual-usually works to help relax the mother.." He said quickly, stumbling over his words, shaking beneath his touch.

Harley watched with amused eyes and hummed quietly as she reached out to tug at his jacket. "C'mon puddin. It's jsut apart of his JOb." She told him with a small coo. "Let him finish the session." She requested, though it didn't really leave much room for him to fight with her about it. "I wanna see how our baby is doin." She told him happily.

Harley was excited to get her first proper look at what her baby looked like. Even if it wasn't much developed right now at only two months. Harley couldn't wait for her to be eight and nine months where she could see lots of details about her pretty baby boy.

SHe knew it was a boy.

Her fingers moved to roll her shirt up to rest just beneath her bra, knowing that it needed to be there in order for it to WORK.

Then, she looked up at Joker, and with the cutest little pout, asked.

"can you hold m'hand puddin? Frost always does it when you don't comeeee..."

Joker pivoted slowly to fix FROST with a glare, now.

Oh, the BETRAYAL. A low snarl emitted from him, hunched over slightly like a cornered hyena.

It had only just occurred to him that he had been TRICKED into attending this... baby... THING...

Ugh. HE LOVED THAT WOMAN. Consider him very thoroughly TRICKED.

Fair play, Harley-girl...

Joker paced over to Frost and slapped him hard around the face and then returned to Henry to give him the same treatment. Clearly in a better mood now that he'd realised how much of a DELIGHTFUL TRICKSTER his baby mama was, Joker clapped and pointed to both Frost and DOCTOR HENRY WILKINSON.

"Alright, folks! I want NO HANDS ON HARLEY unless they are my own. That CLEAR?" He growled. Both gave their immediate affirmations. Frost was undoUBTEDLY GOING TO BE A KISSASS FOR A WHILE TO MAKE UP FOR THE HAND-HOLDING.

HAH! THIS WAS BENEFITTING HIM LARGELY.

Joker brushed his purple leather coat down and flicked the tails of it out behind him very theatrically as he took a seat. He EVEN LET HARLEY HOLD HIS HAND... as he... gLOWEREd at the...

WHAT WAS THAT THING THE DOCTOR WAS SQUIRTING ONTO HARLEY'S BELLY?

AND WHAT WA -

Joker watched it all unfold with a weird, disgusted kind of suspicious fascination, unable to tear his CLOWN EYES away.

So THIS was what Harley did at these... THINGS.

Huh. He thought there'd be more CAKE AND BABIES.

Joker glanced around suspiciously. Where were they hiding all the BABIES?

J really had no idea how any of this worked.

Harley shivered a little as he squirted the gel onto her belly, squeezing Jokers hand softly. But her eyes were wide with excitement. She couldn't WAIT to see her baby. She watched carefully as the doc moved to gently rub gel in with the little.. machine.. thingy. His eyes were on the monitor so he could find the perfect spot to get the baby. Then, he paused.

"Well, would you look at that.." He said slowly.

"What? Everythins okay right?" Harley asked quickly, instantly growing worried about her baby by the tone that he had, looking from her belly to the doctor, who nodded his head, a bit quickly so Joker didn't kill him for upsetting Harley.

"Everything is fine, Miss Quinn, it's just thaat it seems like you're going to be a mother of two. You're having twins," He announced, and moved to carefully tilt the screen so that both Joker and Harley would get to see the two fetus that she was carrying. "See," He started, pointing up to one. "This would be one baby," and then he gestured tot he one that seemed to be separated by something. Harley didn't know what the word was right now. "And this would be another. Twins."

Harley's eyes were wide, mouth slightly open, her head turning then to stare at Joker to see how he'd take it.

"This would also explain why you're a bit bigger than most people at two months."

Joker had shut down, falling somehow into a deeper state of disturbed insanity.

They were supposed to have a BOY. ONE. BOY.

WHAT THE FUCK DID IVY DO TO THEM?

Joker SNARLED, uncurling from his seat, hand snaking out to grab the gun from his waistband, pressing it to the side of DOCTOR HENRY'S head as his other hand came up to squeeze THE DOCTOR'S cheeks together very harshly.

The GOOD DOCTOR STARTED CRYING.

Joker rang his tongue up the doctor's cheek, taking in some of his tears.

"You're lying. WHY. ARE. YOU. LYING? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? ARE YOU A VEGETABLE? DO YOU WORK FOR, UH, I V Y ?" Joker ranted. Paranoid. Freaked out.

"N-NO! I work for you! I'm your wife's baby doctor!"

"WHO'S wife?"

"YOUR wife, sir!"

"I don't HAVE a wiiiiiiiiiiife, Henry~" Joker sang, crocodile like grin spreading across his face, eyes narrowed and then wide and then narrowed again in alterations.

"S-sorry, sir. I just meant your, uh... your girlfriend?"

"TITLES, TITLES, TITLES, HENRY! WHY IS SOCIETY SO FIXATED ON TITLES?"

"I don't know, sir-"

"NOBODY knows, Henry! That's the TRICK! AND SEEING AS NOBODY KNOWS, HENRY, HOW CAN THERE BE TWINS? HMMM?"

"I can't answer that, si-"

Joker shut Henry in the head, kicking at the gOOD DOCTOR'S corpse to make it fall back with a dramatic thud against the floor. Frost sighed somewhere behind him.

NAUGHTY FROST.

FROST WAS ON THE NAUGHTY STEP.

Joker turned to Harley, panting, face still contorted into insanity,

"You are NOT having twins."

Harley watched him closely, eyes wide slightly as she watched him murder pooooor doctor Henry! He was just doin his jooob! But the little girl blinked up at him. Telling her they weren't having twins. The girl moved to point the monitor to her then instantly. "But puddin," she said slowly, "that's them there. There's two." She said quietly, shifting slightly. "Uh.. Maybe we didn't need to get the pregnancy inducing part of the serum uh... Considerin it was enough to get us to have TWINS..." Her eyes went back to the monitor and she watched it. It had taken the picture already if her belly... Her two babies.

"So I guess we ARE having twins... And.. That means some extra planning will have to go into what I've already got done... N I'll have to redo the nursery idea so it fits two..." She furrowed eyebrows and reached up to touch the monitor, what were they gonna to with twins?

"There's not much we can uh.. Do..."

Joker didn't answer. Couldn't THINK. Couldn't BREATHE.

TWO? WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TWO?

At least one was sure to die within the year. He was not MEANT to be a 'father'. Who's example would he follow? HIS father's? Joker tipped his head back and cackled at the thought.

"Get her home safe, Frost. AND NO HAND HOLDING." Joker snarled and then stalked out of the hospital.

He walked all the way to Ivy's. Really. He really did. He didn't care that Harley and Frost were following along behind him in the car, bEGGING him to get in. J was full of FURY. He needed to MAKE IVY ANSWER FOR THE INJUSTICE.

.

Too much BURDEN. The cabbage KNEW how he hated a bURDEN.

It was why he'd killed Henry. It was why he killed useless gOONS.

Joker kicked at the entrance to the warehouse.

nO IVY!

OH, BUT LOOK! THE LITTLE LEAF WAS ATTENDING TO THE PLANTS!

What was her name again? Noofy? Nora?

... nOVA!

"Oh, shi-" she managed to get out before J caught her by her hair and yanked her head back.

"Where's your, uh, bOSS at, LEAFY?" Joker asked. The widening of Nova's newly green eyes told him he looked jUST AS INSANE AS HE FELT.

GOOD.

ALL THE BETTER.

Nova wriggled and tried to hIT HIM WITH A VINE - BUT HER POWERS WERE A LOT WEAKER THAN IVY'S AND SHE COULDN'T ATTACK HIM PROPERLY WHEN HE WAS HOLDING HER HAIR LIKE THIS.

Joker smiled at her as pleasantly (nastily) as he could manage. Harley LIKED this one. J wasn't ALLOWED to kill her. He sighed and was about to bring out a gun to hold to her head when a hUGE VINE HIT HIM OVER THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND CABBAGE FACE APPEARED,

"What makes you think you can touch my property?" Ivy questioned coldly, shooting out a vines to bring Nova to her side.

Joker narrowed his eyes at the little leaf. YES. That girl was clEARLY INSANE BY NOW. HAH!

Good for HER.

Joker gave a mock bOW,

"Remember who's in chaaaaarge, cabbage?"

Harley sighed as she quickly climbed out of the car and waddled as quick as she could into the house and moved to hold the mans arm gently, her eyes gazing up at him with her eyebrows knitted slightly. "Puddin please, don't start nothin.. It's not THAT big of a deal.."

She was growing anxious, her Joker was annoyed by the fact they were having Twins, but it wasn't like HE would have had to get uh.. well... Pay attention to the kid, as much, and he wouldn't be doing toooo terribly much with the kids, it would, for teh most part, be her and well.. Batsy and Frost who would care for the little things.

Ivy was growing even more annoyed, glaring at Joker AND Harley. "Whats this about, Harley?!"

"He's uh- He's kinda mad cause we're uh.." She paused looking to Joker, than to Ivy. "Expectin twins.. And he's uh.. Not to THRILLED about it." She explained quietly, rubbin at her puddins arm. "It's okay, Puddin. You're uh.. You're not gonna have to DEAL with em that much."

'Puddin' was trembling with barely muted rage, eyes locked with Ivy's.

SHE'D DONE IT. HE KNEW SHE HAD.

The green monster only raised an eyebrow,

"I tried to make it WEAKER. It's not MY fault you're hyper-sterile, or whatever." Ivy gestured loosely, dismissively towards the greenhouse around them and Nova was there at her side, nodding all imperiously.

Joker threw a cactus at Nova's head.

It was just what he DID, though. He picked out the weaknesses and eXPLOITED them. IN THIS CASE - NOVA WAS THE WEAKNESS.

"Any more, uh, sURPRISES, leaf-face, and your perfect little LEAF SIDEKICK GETS IT!" Joker threatened, nudging his blazer aside to demonstrate that he was packing - his gun shining impressively from his waistband.

Joker didn't give himself time to realise it, but he was exHAUSTED. READY TO GO OUT JUST LIKE A LIGHT.

IT WAS LIKE HE WAS RIGHT AT THE TOP OF THE ROLLERCOASTER, RIGHT ABOUT TO FALL...

He didn't, though. Not while he had bUSINESS to attend to.

A joke. Maybe a joke would help.

"Hyper-sterlie.. like.. SUPER SPERM." She hummed out with some mock innocence.

But then she knew how to calm everything.

She whizzed around so she was in front of her Joker, hands gripping his biceps carefully. "Listen puddin it ain't even a complete chance that we'll actually END UP WITH TWINS." She said quickly. "It's a GOOD chance that one of them will die IN THE WOMB. It's VERY VERY COMMON for people to start out in their early terms WITH TWINS, but quite often one will EAT THE OTHER." She said as she looked up at him. "Therefore we might not actually HAVE twins. It might just be the ONE yknow? And how cool would iot be to tell people that your uh.. SON ATE HIS BROTHER!?" She started quickly.

Maybe this would calm him. Maybe that would calm him down. Maybe. Hopefully. She was aiming for it.

It did sound pretty bad ass.

Hey, my kid ate my other kid inside my woMB!

Yes. She would be okay with saying that.

Yes. She would be okay with also just having twins.

Joker cocked his head to the side, ignoring Ivy's outraged threats and posturing.

He considered for a moment, his expression grim. The entire greenhouse was silent and tense as everyone watched him with bated breath.

HOW WOULD HE REACT TO THIS?

"WHAT AN ICEBREAKER!" He declared elatedly, arms spread out either side of him like a circus master (which hE WAS).

"Talk about POWER! No kid of mine is gonna compete for power! Of course that's what will happen! How eXCITING!" He cheered and skipped right out of the greenhouse.

Ivy and Nova looked downright DISGUSTED.

J WAS IN A DREAMLAND NOW AS HE SAT IN THE CAR WAITING FOR HARLEY-KINS.

A KID THAT WAS A CANNIBAL EVEN BEFORE HE WAS BORN! WHAT A CLAIM TO FAME!

Harley laughed quietly at his reaction, waving at the group before she quickly bounced out after him, hand on her belly as she tried to relax. Oh her puddin, he was an interesting one, he was. Oh, so interesting. She loved him so much. Such a wonderful man!

She loved him. she was more than glad to be with him.

She quickly moved to him and curled up in his side happily, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Ya feel better now puddin?" She asked him, patting at his cheek.

"But were gonna have to find me a new doctor now. You killed Harrrvvvvyyyy..." She pointed out, her hand running back through her hair.

Joker tutted at her, waggling his finger and rolling his eyes at her admonishingly,

"The doc's name was HENRY, Harls. At least REMEMBER THE GUY'S NAME if you're gonna pretend to be upset I killed him, kid," Joker informed her in a business-like fashion, but also in the way that a teacher might talk to a student he was scolding.

His Harley was a TRICKSY one but she wasn't quite a mASTER OF IT YET.

Oh, how he dOTED ON HIS HARLEY.

Joker clasped his hands together against his cheek, drawing close enough to Harley in the random swing about of the car as Frost drew them to press a kiss to her cheek. AH, HE WAS IN A GOOD MOOD NOW.

CANNIBALISTIC KID.

WHAT A LEGACY!

IMAGINE POOR BATS HAVING TO COME TOE TO TOE WITH A GUY WHO'D EATEN HIS OWN TWIN IN THE WOMB! WHAT A HOOT!

Joker couldn't WAIT to see it. He rubbed his hands together like one of those cLICHE VILLAIN TYPES and he gRINNED.

Harley put on a fake little pout as she gazed up at her Joker. "I don't caaaaaaare about hiiiiiiiiiiiimm puddddin.. I care about having a doooooooooocccccccccctor." She cooed delightfully, leaning up to place a sweet little kiss against her lovers lips before she leaned back and got into the car when it was ready, cuddling up to Joker and humming, hand rested on her swollen belly.

"You know, I think I should start doing some proper shopping. Seven months are gonna FLLLLLLLLY by and then our little TROUBLE MAKER will be here and I wanna have uh.. All the things we need ready for him." she patted her lip with her index finger, thinking., "The nursery is ALMOST done, just needs some more things and uh.. Batsy said there had to be some things baby proofed in the house because its.. UNSAFE.." She said as she tried to think, shaking her head and resting it against his shoulder, taking one of his hands and simply holding it up so she could examine it, tugging it close to her face so she could place a soft kiss to the J ring that sat on his finger. Her lips lingered there, her eyes fluttering open to gaze up at him through her lashes.

When she was done she decided and moved to place a kiss at her lips, the loving notion lingering on his skin there too.

"Think Batsy would be okay with us uh.. Goin to the club for awhile?"

Joker watched her in complete and utter bemusement. What was she even SAYING?

NOBODY BOTHERED TO LEARN THE LANGUAGE WHEN THEY CAME HERE.

Joker's upper lip curled, his eyes narrowing a little,

"Batsy would nOT, Harley-girl, which is precisely WHY WE HAVE TO GO!" He cheered, prompting Frost to turn the car around and head for the club. Just as Harley was about to get out , however, Joker threw an arm across to block her,

"We don't LEAVE THE BOOTH, Harley." He demanded very seriously, glaring at her, metal teeth bared to her. He was sERIOUS.

AND J WA SERIOUS.

Harley blinked a little and studied him carefully, she bit her lip slightly and nodded her head, leaning up to press a small kiss to his lips. "Alright puddin.. We'll stay in the booth.." She agreed quietly and nodded her head, before she climbed out of the car and stretched her little body out, hand rubbing down over her belly hand fluttering back through her hair happily, turning to look at Joker.

why was he so serious anyway? There was no reason for him to behave this way..

But he was just a bit protective, she guessed. He was always like this now. she wasn't to be around any knives or guns or weapons in general and she wasn't allowed to be around people Joker didn't approve of,

which was everyone, by the tway.

She didn't understand why. But she put up with it anyway, it was kind of attractive to see him so protective. Especially when he wasn't even completely, into the idea of having their baby.

She bundled off then to go into the club.

Joker quickly caught up with her and dragged his very own PURPLE CROCODILE LEATHER JACKET off of his very owN TORSO to wrap around her.

The bump wAS A WALKING TARGET, AFTER ALL!

And yeesh! Talk about stealing the clothes right off his back!

He then led the small entourage inside - goons gathered around Harley enough that she was barely in sight, with Joker at the spearhead; back to the club as he led them through like the world's DARKEST MARCHING BAND.

Now THERE was an idea~

They proceeded like this until they reached the booth - at which point (as rIGOROUSLY INSTRUCTED) all of The Joker's men fanned out around the booth itself, protecting it from all and every sides.

Joker tucked Harley-girl under his arm and smuggled her over to their signature seats.

"Looks like the KING AND QUEEN are BACK!" Joker roared to the empty booth around them - and on cue, all the henchman started to applaud.

Then Joker did something which was cRAZY.

I KNOW, RIGHT? JOKER? CRAZY?

BUT HE DID! OH, HE DID!

J ran a hand over Harley's bump, narrowed eyes trailing over it at the same time,

"And tHE CANNIBAL LEGACY PRINCE, TOO!"

Harley allowed herself to be covered and then hidden. Once safe inside the booth, the girl, wrapped up in his coat. Her eyes opened a bit wider when he touched her stomach, but her entire body melted underneath his touch. Her hand moved to rest gently over his then, a wide smile coming onto her lips, gazing up into his eyes, leaning then to kiss his lips lovingly. "That feels real nice, puddin.." She hummed, referring to him touching her belly.

She thought that was the first time he did it since she started showing.

"The doc wasn't LYIN when he said it help relaxes me." She hummed, her eyes tracing his face before dropping to look at their hands on her belly.

They were having a baby. They were having two babies. Harley could barely contain herself, her body like melted butter beneath his touch, leaning into his hand.

"And it feels reaaaaaaallll nice when you do it." She murmured, a sickingly sweet smile on her lips. She never expected him to touch her belly. Never expected him to do it intentionally. And to call their baby their prince... The girl was so damn happy! He was rubbing her belly and calling the baby the prince...

She was beyond happy.

Joker snarled abruptly, retreating.

There was too much... affection?

No. He was... he could handle the affection. No, no, no, no, NO. It was the-

He ha g.

Joker stood and did a full body shiver, just like a dog would, and stalked around the booth, trying to figure it out.

What was WRONG? Elements and factors and intricacies to his club that made it up but he just couldn't-

He couldn't work it OUT. What was out of place- what was skewed? A painting? No. No paintings. The dancers? No. They were moving fine.

That was when he KNEW.

Joker whipped his head upwards, craning his head and moving with the speed of an agitated SNAKE. He grit his teeth. There, RIGHT there - just perched like a fucking PARROT on the booth top was BATS. Joker offered him a nasty smile, always glad to see him. He gave a deep, mock bow,

"BATS. Come to join the fun? I'd offer you a seat, kid, but who KNOWS where you've been with your-"

"Why are you HERE, Joker?"

"Not sure if it came ACROSS as apparent, Bat-brain, but I OWN the joint."

Harley had watched him with curious, cautious eyes. SHe was curious about why he seemed so off. There was something that just seemed to be off for him.

And then he was showing what it was edxactly. Batsy perched on the booth like the bat he was. She gazed up, before her eyes flicked between him and joker, constantly doing as such. WAs something bad going to happen? She hoped he wouldn't cause a fight, they might be forced back to arkham and she didn't want to spend the next seven months of her pregnancy stuck in there. That would be the worse. Especially considering Joker had a habit of tricking the employees to fall in love with him and Harley would most definitely get more murderous as she got bigger and more hormonal and eventually irritated and impatient for these two little clowns to get out of her.

"Yes, but you were told to come straight home from the doctors." Batman pointed out before Harley cleared her throat.

"Batsy we had a uh... A long.. LONG DAY...We ain't here to do nothin BAD and Puddin said we ain't even gonna leave OUR BOOTH so.. Can't ya just let us stay here and uh.. RELAX?" She poiinted out, sneaking up to slip up under her Joker carefully. "We just want some TIME ALONE so we can RELAX. You BEIN HERE... Kinda.. KILLS THE MOOD." She hinted.

Though that definitely wasn't the reason they were there, she was sure it would, hopefully, be enough to drive Batsy off their back for a few hours.

Bat-brain didn't quite, uh, gET THE HINT,

"The agreement was that you don't have to go back to the asylum if you behaved and stayed under my guard,"

"Your GUARD is boring, oh Mother of Gotham! Harley-cakes and myself can get by just FINE without an escort, Bats! We're not jumped up teenagers you need to CHAPERONE!" J crowed, voice scathing and vicious but somehow still jovial and charming. BATSY FROWNED. AW. WAS HE DISPLEASED?

"I don't WANT to separate the two of you-"

All traces of cheeriness left The Joker's face and stance in an instant, darting to position himself directly infront of Harley instead of next to her. He let out a strange, loud animalistic nose, interrupting Batman.

"No, Bats... you WOULDN'T want to do that." He answered coldly, voice somehow like gravel and velvet and death all at once.

"If you keep endangering her, Joker-"

"WHO SAID IT WAS MY IDEA TO COME HERE?" Joker bellowed in mock outrage.

"You still AGREED."

"Oh, phooey."

Batman glared at him for a moment and then swooped down and dID SOMETHING WITH HIS CAPE-

Joker blinked and-

aND HARLEY WAS GONE.

WHERE-

He whipped himself around, breathing now ragged and frantic and desperate. NO. NONONONONONO!

He began to tug and tear at his hair but then caught sight of her safely on the other side of the booth. It was while he was sO distracted that Batman came up behind him and put him in a sleeper hold.

WHAT A ROTTEN, DIRTY, CHEATER'S TRICK.

Within the very same hour, Joker was taken back to Arkham Asylum.

Harley stood in front of Batman with her hands placed on her hips, eyes angered and cold. "Batman," She started. "He wasn't ENDANGERING ME you fucking lunatic!" She hissed, lips curling up into a snarl. "You know whose endangering me and this baby? You are. YOU. The one whose so HIGH AND FUCKING MIGHTY, trying to keep us safe, and you're only MAKING IT WORSE." She stated. "Don't you know by now how BOTH of us get when separated? I get blood thirsty Bat.. I get mad, and blood thirsty, and I go looking for blood in the meantime of thinking of a way to get him out, WHICH I WILL STILL DO. Do you want me going out there and slaughtering innocent people? It'd be your fault, you know. And by FORCING US to stay COOPED UP under your watch makes us both antsy and angry and stress is not good for a pregnant lady. I wanted to go to the club, TO RELIEVE SOME STRESS. The AURA of that place is RELAXING for me. Puddin wouldn't do anything that would put me in harms way at this point. The guy WONT EVEN LET ME WALK AHEAD OF HIM AT THIS POINT. I can't go to another ROOM without ten of our best guys with me. I can't show off my stomach because he's worried someone might use it against us, or use it as a TARGET. You're only making things worse."

Harley was startging to get hyper aggressively, roughly pushing his chest. "Take him back out of that FUCKING asylum or I will personally murder everyy single person in this FUCKING town." SHe snarled. "And then, BATSY.. I'd chain you to the bonnet of my car, bring it to the water, and put a brick on the gaspedal.. And let your ass drown." She snarled before she turned and took a few steps away from him.

"Get him OUT of Arkham or I will make your job the hardest one you've ever taken on."

Take a WILD guess where Joker woke up.

OH, and he WAS WILD. WILD with RAGE. WILD WITH ENERGY AND OUTRAGE AND NOISE AND FURY.

NOBODYNOBODYNOBODYNOBODY HAD THE RIGHT TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM HARLEY WHEN SHE WAS SO VULNERABLE.

He'd be FINE if she were at her pEAK again. If she was slim and TONED and able to fLIP ABOUT AND BONK PEOPLE ON THEIR NOGGINS WITH HER BASEBALL BAT - J WOULD BE CONTENT TO JUS AND JOKE AROUND.

But THIS time-

His eyes stung. His skin itched. His chest ACHED.

He hOWLED until the guards came to shut him up. They beat at him againandagainandagain until he was bLACK AND BLUE AND PASSED OUT.

When he woke again, he was handcuffed to his cell bed and Batman was watching him from the other side of the divider. Joker's eyes travelled up to him slowly, his entire, sinewy frame quaking with the insane fury he held inside of him.

"Quinn is-"

Joker ROARED and THREW HIMSELF SO HARSHLY TOWARDS THE GLASS THAT HIS HEAD COLLIDED WITH IT AND HE KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT.

This time was DIFFERENT, was what every staff member at Arkham was saying. He's RESTLESS this time. He's not trying to be charming or IN CHARGE or dominant or disturbing. He's FREAKED. He just will not calm down at all. He throws himself about. The clown is COVERED in bruises.

J didn't hear any of this. He was too busy constantly screaming and yelling and causing uproar inside his cell.

Harley was also on a rampage. The woman had thrown plate upon plate and glass at Batman every single time she saw him. Sometimes she threw knives.

Joker wouldn't approve of her being around knives.

She was outraged! Suffering. She felt that horrible ache of wITHDRAW that came with not being close to her Puddin.

About a day later, Harley had decided she'd had enough of waiting for Batman to do her bidding. So she decided to take matters into her own hands. Batman wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING to her, at all at this point because there was always a chance of hurting her. Hurting the baby. That's not what he wanted.. And the guards..

Well.. After the incident with uh.. Lets call him Robert. After the incident with Robert, none of the guards wanted to touch her. The woman quite literally strutted in through, dressed still in Jokers purple leather jacket, hanging off her body perfectly, but she still had her stomach on display, which was even MORE reason for the guards to avoid touching her. They mostly went after the henchmen that she brought with her.

Fifty of them, to be exact.

They took out the guards without an issue.

Batsy would be the issue.

She came across a dorkish looking doctor. She gestured for Frost to hold him at gun point.

"Wheres my Puddin?"

Everyone knew who it was.

"S...Second floor..." He stuttered..

"Lead us." She ordered.

The man did as told and lead the group, cowering under guns, to the cell where Batsy stood.

"Shoot him."

And so he was shot. She stared directly up at Batman who apparently, wasn't even aware of what was going on downstairs, but was stood outside observing Jokers behavior. When she got close enough, the girl pulled back, and roughly slapped him with the sleeve AND HER HAND. Ouch! That definitely had to hurt.

"What... Did... I.. Tell you... About letting him.. OUT..?"

Joker was still screaming and throwing himself about the cell like a caged, rabid hyena. He laughed and screamed and roared and choked and sometimes he passed out from lack of breath or exhaustion or just the vELOCITY OF HIS FURY.

Batman stood there. He always just STOOD there and watched him and tried to talk to him about Harley.

HOW. COULD. BATMAN. BE. TAKING. CARE. OF. HARLEY. WHEN. HE. WAS. STANDING. RIGHT. THERE.

THIS enraged Joker all the more and he managed to bREAK THE CELL BED OFF OF THE WALL.

THEY'D put him in a straight jacket after that, and eVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH J HATES A STRAIGHT JACKET.

THIS ONE WAS TOO TIGHT. ILLEGAL. .

Still, there was no containing him.

He did this day and night again and again and he did it in solitary when they placed him there and he did it in the new cell and in the old one when they moved him bACK there and he did it until he heard HER voice.

Joker finally STOPPED - his back to the separator glass, and LISTENED.

OH, HOW HE HATED TO LOVE AND LOVED TO HATE THAT VOICE.

BUT THIS MEANT BATS HAD VERY SEVERELY DISRESPECTED HIM AND PUT HIS HARLEY IN DANGER.

WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS LEGACY, TOO.

Joker turned aroun slowly, face like DEATH itself. It had NEVER been this incensed or insane or furious. This was a whole new look.

Even BATMAN looked scared,

"Joking around with you..." Joker began in a voice that caused one of the few nearby staff members (that Harley HADN'T killed) to burst into tears, "... is just no FUN anymore..."

J delivered all of this to Batman in a way he knew would STICK with the freak and HAUNT him in his dreams and possibly even make THE BATMAN fear for his VERY LIFE.

It would have done that to anyone. That had been Joker at his darkest. His most terrifying. He'd only done that once before and within the next hour the guy had hung himself.

That had been Doctor Woodrow. Poor Doctor Woodrow.

Poor BATS.

Harley looked over to stare at her battered up J. Her eyes softened and she moved to lightly touch the glass deviding them. Her eyes were soft. She wanted to be able to touch him, tell him that she missed. him...

But then her anger was back and she was swivvling to sMACK Batman again. "LET HIM OUT." She barked the order, eyes glaring at him. "Do it now or everyone in this place will either be released or killed." She told him. "That includes you, Batsy."

Harley knew ways to kill Batman. She knew simple ways to kill him. She could've killed him. The girl could do lots of things! Spike his drink. The guy slept around her, at this point, for gods sake! It was SO EASY for her to end him.

She kept him around because J found it fun to mess with him.

That and Batman was almost family to them.

Almost.

But she'd end him.. She'd end him.

Batman seemed torn. He stared down at Harley, then glanced to Joker.

On one hand, if he didn't let Joker out, Joker would become more hostile. More aggressive. And harley would too.. And she was pregnant and it was dangerous for HER to be DANGEROUS.. On the other hand, if he lets Joker out he might go on a SPREE and he could endanger Harley and the baby..

"Joker," He started, turning to the glass. "If I release you, you plan on behaving yourself?"

For the first time ever, when he spoke to Batman, Joker did not smile once. J didn't even speak. Didn't respond. He jus in that terrifying, horror movie fashion. Bats had to look away. Joker still did not smile. Did not crack any jokes or even laugh. He was way beyond that. He simply looked like Death. Joker was severely battered and bruised all over and not JUST because of the many beatings he'd received, either.

OOHHH, NOOOOO.

Even as Batman let J out of his cell, Joker said nothing, did nothing but limp forwards - wincing with every step. He was FEELING it now. Before he'd had his fury to sustain him and distract him, but now he wasn't moving or ENRAGED the way he had been - though he was close.

Joker had to lean on Harley, but quickly decided he couldn't do that to his pREGNANT GIRLFRIEND-

ANOTHER GLARE IN BATMAN'S DIRECTION BECAUSE THIS WAS ALSO HIS FAULT.

And J insisted on having Frost carry him. He didn't say much at all. Joker silently requested that Harley hold his hand and only spoke aloud to order Frost to carry him.

He was traumatised. He was exhausted. He was bruised and battered and he was starving.

Joker had been met with a fair amount of abuse.


End file.
